We often associate the word “trauma” with major, life-threatening events: war, abuse, or natural disasters. But many people carry the weight of less obvious injuries: being shamed as a child, chronically ignored, or growing up in a home where emotions weren’t safe to express. These experiences are sometimes called small‑t trauma, but the term can be misleading. Just because the events were “small” in appearance doesn’t mean the emotional impact, or the triggers they leave behind, are small at all.
In relationships, these unprocessed experiences often show up in subtle but powerful ways. A missed text may feel like abandonment. A disagreement might flood someone with shame. And if we don’t understand the roots of these reactions, we risk dismissing our partner’s pain or taking it personally.
Understanding small‑t trauma and its effects is essential to building emotionally supportive relationships. This article explores how to recognise small‑t trauma, how to support a partner through their healing, and how boundaries, containment, and nervous system regulation play vital roles in the process.
What Is Small‑T Trauma?
Trauma specialist Peter Levine reminds us that trauma isn’t defined by the event itself, but by how it overwhelms a person’s ability to cope (Levine, 1997). Experiences like being humiliated in class, frequently dismissed by a caregiver, or living in a high-stress household, can create deep wounds if the nervous system doesn’t get the chance to process and recover.
Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk echoes this idea: “the body keeps the score”. Emotional pain can live in the body just like physical injuries, and the nervous system can get stuck in patterns of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, especially in relationships (van der Kolk, 2015).
While big-T trauma is often recognised and validated, small‑t trauma may go unnoticed or minimised by society, family, or even the person themselves. But its impacts can be just as enduring.
Triggers: Old Wounds, Present Reactions
One of the defining features of trauma is that it creates triggers. These are intense emotional or physical reactions that seem disproportionate to the present situation. But these responses are not about now; they are echoes of the past.
According to trauma researcher Judith Herman, trauma shatters a sense of safety and control. Until it is processed, the past can intrude into the present with “no beginning, middle, or end” (Herman, 1992). For example, a raised voice or a cold tone may unconsciously remind someone of being yelled at or emotionally neglected as a child, even if their current partner means no harm.
The mistake we often make is judging the trigger by the apparent “size” of the original trauma. But small-t trauma doesn’t always mean small‑t trigger. A minor comment can feel like a major threat when it activates unresolved shame, abandonment, or fear.
Supporting a Partner Through Their Baggage
If you’re in a relationship with someone carrying small‑t trauma, it can be hard to know how to help. Here are key principles drawn from trauma-informed approaches:
1. Don’t Pathologise Their Pain
It’s tempting to say, “You’re overreacting,” or “That was years ago.” But invalidating your partner’s experience often makes the wound deeper. Instead, try to stay curious: “Can you help me understand what that brought up for you?” This builds trust and invites your partner to reflect, rather than defend.
2. Containment, Not Fixing
Containment means holding space for another person’s emotions without absorbing or solving them. This is crucial in trauma work. You don’t have to “fix” your partner’s pain — in fact, trying to may feel controlling or overwhelming. Instead, be present. Offer calmness and validate their experience. According to Herman (1992), the healing of trauma happens in safe, supportive relationships where the survivor can regain control of their narrative.
3. Respect Boundaries: Yours and Theirs
Boundaries protect everyone’s emotional well-being. A partner healing from trauma may need space to process, and they may also need reassurance. You, too, need boundaries to avoid burnout or codependency.
Supporting someone doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs. Clear, compassionate boundaries, such as: “I want to talk, but I need 10 minutes to calm down first”, create a sense of safety for both people.
Regulating the Nervous System: A Foundation for Connection
When someone is triggered, their body reacts before their mind catches up; heart pumping, muscles tensing, thoughts racing. In this state, rational conversation becomes almost impossible.
Peter Levine’s somatic work emphasises that healing requires helping the body complete stress responses that were frozen or interrupted (Levine, 1997). Simple actions like breathing deeply, grounding through physical touch (feet on the floor, hand on heart), or co-regulating with a calm partner can soothe the nervous system and bring someone back to safety.
As a partner, you can support regulation by:
- Staying grounded: Speak slowly, breathe deeply, soften your body language.
- Offering co-regulation: Gentle presence, a reassuring tone, or even silence can help.
- Not escalating: If you get triggered too, pause and tend to your own nervous system before continuing the conversation.
The Role of Self-Responsibility
While it’s beautiful to support a partner’s healing, it’s also important to remember: you are not their therapist. Encouraging them to explore therapy, somatic work, or support groups can help them develop tools outside the relationship. Trauma healing is deeply personal and requires ownership.
Relationships can be containers for growth, but only if both partners are tending to themselves. Over-functioning for a wounded partner can lead to resentment and burnout.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing from small‑t trauma doesn’t mean triggers vanish overnight. But over time, with care, self-regulation, and relational safety, they can lose their charge.
What once felt like an earthquake becomes a tremor. What once caused a spiral now invites a pause. And what once felt shameful becomes something you can name, share, and move through, together.
Conclusion
Small‑t trauma may look invisible, but its impact is real, especially in relationships. Triggers don’t need to be justified to be valid. They simply need to be understood.
If you’re supporting a partner through their emotional baggage, know that your presence matters, but so do your own boundaries. By practising containment, honouring your needs, and supporting nervous system regulation, you help co-create a relationship where healing is possible.
Love doesn’t mean rescuing someone from their pain. It means walking beside them — with steadiness, empathy, and respect.
References
Herman, J.L., 1992. Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. New York: Basic Books. https://archive.org/details/judith-herman-trauma-and-recovery-the-aftermath-of-violence-from-domestic-abuse-
Levine, P.A., 1997. Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books. https://med-fom-learningcircle.sites.olt.ubc.ca/files/2015/04/Waking-the-Tiger.pdf
van der Kolk, B.A., 2015. The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Penguin Books. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf