Relationships form the foundation of human experience, providing a mirror for our internal worlds and a container for growth and healing. Yet, navigating life’s inevitable challenges within these bonds requires more than good intentions—it calls for emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and a regulated nervous system. One of the most vital skills in relationship health is the ability to express oneself proportionally. This means responding to conflict, stress, or discomfort in ways that match the intensity and context of the situation—neither minimising nor exaggerating our internal experience. Proportional expression fosters trust, intimacy, and resilience in relationships, particularly when grounded in trauma-informed practices, nervous system regulation, and healthy boundaries.
Understanding Nervous System Regulation
At the heart of proportional self-expression is nervous system regulation. Our autonomic nervous system—specifically the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) branches—plays a central role in how we react to stress (Porges, 2011). When dysregulated, even small relational stressors can trigger seemingly outsized responses: anger, shutdown, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory offers a roadmap for understanding this. It emphasises the importance of the vagus nerve in promoting safety and social connection. When we feel safe, we are more likely to remain in the ventral vagal state—a state conducive to calm communication and curiosity (Porges, 2011). In contrast, unresolved trauma or chronic stress can keep us in dysregulated states, where self-expression is either suppressed or overwhelming.
Cultivating a regulated nervous system—through practices like deep breathing, somatic awareness, mindfulness, and co-regulation with trusted others—enables us to respond rather than react. This physiological foundation is essential for expressing ourselves in ways that are congruent with reality, not distorted by past wounds.
Trauma Healing and Its Impact on Expression
Trauma, particularly developmental and relational trauma, distorts our capacity to evaluate emotional threats accurately. It skews our perception of others’ intentions and hinders our ability to trust ourselves and others. Trauma survivors often vacillate between hyper-expression (overreacting or oversharing) and hypo-expression (withdrawing or shutting down), making proportional expression challenging (Van der Kolk, 2014).
Healing trauma involves reconnecting with the body and integrating past experiences into the present narrative. Techniques such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can support this process (Levine, 2010; Schwartz, 2001). These methods help individuals process old pain without projecting it onto current relationships. As healing progresses, individuals are better able to identify their needs, articulate emotions clearly, and set boundaries that preserve both personal integrity and relational harmony.
Boundaries: The Blueprint for Healthy Expression
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where we end and others begin. They are not walls, but filters that allow us to give and receive love safely. Proportional expression is impossible without clear boundaries—both internal (with oneself) and external (with others). Internal boundaries help regulate impulsive reactions and maintain emotional containment. External boundaries guide how we communicate needs and limits in ways that respect both parties.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is not a sign of disconnection; rather, it facilitates deeper intimacy by clarifying roles and expectations. Brené Brown (2012) notes that “clear is kind,” emphasising that clarity in communication—especially about limits—is one of the most compassionate things we can offer in a relationship. By expressing ourselves within the container of strong boundaries, we reduce the risk of emotional flooding and relational confusion.
Containment: Holding Our Emotional Experience
Containment refers to the psychological ability to hold intense emotional experiences without acting on them impulsively. It’s not about suppression, but about metabolising emotions until they can be expressed in constructive ways. Containment is especially crucial during conflict, when unprocessed emotion can erupt and cause disproportionate harm.
Therapist and author Pete Walker (2013) discusses the importance of developing an “inner nurturing parent” to help contain and soothe overwhelming feelings, particularly for those with complex PTSD. This internal resource allows individuals to validate their emotions while delaying expression until they can do so from a grounded state. In doing so, they reduce emotional volatility and promote relational safety.
Expressing Yourself Proportionally: Practical Strategies
- Pause Before Responding: When emotionally triggered, take a moment to breathe, ground, and assess the situation. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling, and what does this situation actually require of me?”
- Use “I” Statements: Instead of accusing or blaming, speak from your own experience. For example, “I felt hurt when you didn’t respond to my message” is more proportional and less likely to escalate conflict than “You always ignore me.”
- Check for Triggers: Consider whether your reaction is about the present moment or a reenactment of past wounds. If the latter, it may be wise to seek support before engaging in further dialogue.
- Practice Co-regulation: Use calming touch, eye contact, or a supportive presence to regulate your nervous system with another, especially during difficult conversations.
- Honour Emotional Complexity: Proportional expression includes nuance. You can feel disappointed and grateful, hurt and hopeful. Communicating this complexity helps prevent all-or-nothing thinking and deepens relational understanding.
The Long-Term Benefits of Proportional Expression
Over time, practising proportional self-expression transforms relationships. It builds a foundation of trust, where both parties feel safe to be authentic. It also strengthens individual resilience, as the capacity to feel and express emotion without losing control is a sign of emotional maturity.
Strong relationships are not devoid of conflict, but rather grounded in the ability to repair ruptures. Proportionality in self-expression supports this repair process, allowing for vulnerability without volatility, assertion without aggression, and connection without codependency.
Conclusion
Navigating life’s challenges in relationships is a complex dance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and authentic expression. By grounding ourselves in nervous system regulation, healing from trauma, setting clear boundaries, and cultivating emotional containment, we can express ourselves in ways that are proportional, precise, and powerfully connective. In doing so, we not only strengthen our relationships but also contribute to a more compassionate and resilient world.
References
Brené Brown (2012) Daring Greatly. New York: Gotham Books. https://site.ieee.org/sb-nhce/files/2021/06/Brene-brown-book1.pdf
Levine, P. A. (2010) In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books. https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=2656772
Porges, S. W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: Norton.https://dokumen.pub/the-polyvagal-theory-neurophysiological-foundations-of-emotions-attachment-communication-and-self-regulation-978-0393707007.html
Schwartz, R. C. (2001) Internal Family Systems Therapy. New York: Guilford Press.https://cdn.oujdalibrary.com/books/386/386-internal-family-systems-therapy-new-dimensions-(www.tawcer.com).pdf
Van der Kolk, B. (2014) The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking.https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing https://archive.org/details/complexptsdfroms0000walk