The phrase “opposites attract” suggests an almost uncontrollable or unconscious magnetism between people who differ in personality, interests, or energy. While this can lead to passionate, exciting connections, maintaining relationships with this dynamic may be complicated. When past traumas emerge, sustaining healthy intimacy depends on some important relational aspects, including communication, boundaries, understanding, and nervous system regulation.
Deep understanding and emotional safety are vital in keeping loving relationships healthy, sustainable and thriving.
The Allure of Opposites
People are often drawn to traits in others that complement their own. The introvert may feel invigorated by the extrovert’s boldness. The detail-oriented planner may admire the free-spirited spontaneity of their partner. The anxiously attached are often attracted to those who are avoidant. According to psychologist Helen Fisher (2004), attraction can stem from differences in brain chemistry and behavioral traits, forming natural complementarities.
But while opposites can spark romantic interest, sustaining a relationship between differing nervous systems, especially when trauma histories are involved, requires mutual regulation, intentionality, and safety.
The Nervous System and Relationship Dynamics
The nervous system is central to how we respond to intimacy, conflict, and connection. Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our autonomic nervous system scans for safety or danger, shaping our ability to engage socially or withdraw under stress (Porges, 2011). When couples operate with very different nervous system responses, for example, one partner shuts down under stress while the other seeks closeness, it can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, stress and even triggers.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (2014), emphasises that trauma survivors often live with hyperactive or hypoactive stress responses. These can manifest in relationships as overreacting, emotional numbness, or difficulties with trust. If both partners are unaware of their own nervous system patterns and the effects of trauma, they may misinterpret each other’s behaviour, triggering a cascade of reactivity rather than co-regulation.
This is why nervous system regulation is foundational to long-term relational health. Without it, communication breaks down, boundaries get blurred, and the understanding needed to bridge differences becomes nearly impossible.
Communication and Regulation
Healthy communication isn’t just about saying the right thing, but about expressing from a place of internal regulation. As trauma therapist and educator Deb Dana (2018) notes, we must “befriend” our nervous systems to access the social engagement system needed for open, honest dialogue. When partners are dysregulated, showing anger, numbness, or anxiety, communication often becomes defensive or shut down.
For example, if one partner has an anxious attachment style due to early relational trauma, they may see their partner’s neutral tone as rejection. If the other partner is avoidantly attached, they may seek aloneness in the face of emotional intensity. Without awareness and self-regulation, both partners end up reinforcing each other’s wounds rather than healing them.
Mindful communication, which includes pausing to self-regulate before responding and validating our partner’s experience, creates a space for curiosity instead of conflict. Trauma-informed communication means we speak not just to be heard, but to connect and heal.
Boundaries – Building Bridges
In supportive relationships, boundaries are not about control or distance; they’re about clarity and safety. For people with trauma histories, boundaries often feel threatening. They may associate setting boundaries with abandonment or being “too much.”
However, healthy boundaries actually increase true intimacy. They help each partner stay safe without being overwhelmed or shut down.
Boundaries can look like:
- Taking a pause during heated arguments
- Agreeing on respectful communication practices
- Being honest about needs and limitations
- Respecting each other’s time, space, and autonomy
When both partners are committed to honouring boundaries, trust builds. Opposites can learn to appreciate each other’s pace, needs, and sensitivities without feeling overwhelmed or rejected.
Understanding and Empathy
Understanding is more than intellectual agreement; it’s empathic attunement to another’s inner world. This becomes especially important when partners differ in how they relate, communicate, and self-regulate. As Dr. Gabor Maté (2011) explains, trauma is not what happens to us but what happens inside us in the absence of an empathetic witness.
Being that empathetic witness for a partner, especially one who processes the world differently, requires curiosity, humility, and patience. It means asking:
- What shaped my partner’s emotional responses?
- How do they protect themselves when they feel unsafe?
- What calms or soothes them?
- How do I show up under stress, and how does that affect them?
This kind of reflective practice shows differences in a new light. It makes room for nervous system diversity, acknowledging that one person may need solitude to regulate, while the other needs closeness, and affirms the value in both.
Co-Regulation: Healing in Connection
Regulation isn’t just a solo journey. In relationships, we co-regulate. Our nervous systems synchronise with others, especially in close partnerships. Eye contact, touch, tone of voice, and presence all help create a felt sense of safety.
Trauma can disrupt our ability to co-regulate, making vulnerability feel unsafe. But with practice, couples can learn to soothe each other, sometimes even wordlessly.
Moments of co-regulation might include:
- Holding hands during difficult conversations
- Offering a calming breath or pause when things get heated
- Staying present and grounded when the other is triggered
In trauma-informed relationships, the goal isn’t perfection. Its presence.
Conclusion: Opposites May Attract, But Safety Sustains
While attraction may be based on contrast, thriving relationships are built on mutual respect, clear communication, healthy boundaries, and a deep understanding of each other’s nervous systems. Trauma-informed relational practices are not just for those with trauma histories, but benefit everyone by allowing space for emotional intelligence, resilience, and repair.
When opposites come together, they can challenge each other to grow. But without nervous system awareness, even the most magnetic connection can become complicated. By learning to regulate, speak with compassion, respect each other’s boundaries, and stay curious about one another’s inner world, couples can turn their differences into strengths.
Because in the end, it’s not how similar or different we are that keeps love strong—it’s how safely we can be ourselves with one another.
References
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company. https://catalog.nlm.nih.gov/discovery/fulldisplay/alma9917307643406676/01NLM_INST:01NLM_INST
Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Company. https://catalog.nlm.nih.gov/discovery/fulldisplay?docid=alma9912076133406676&context=L&vid=01NLM_INST:01NLM_INST&lang=en&search_scope=MyInstitution&adaptor=Local%20Search%20Engine&tab=LibraryCatalog&query=lds56,contains,Sexual%20Behavior%20–%20physiology,AND&mode=advanced&offset=80
Maté, G. (2011). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Vintage Canada. https://www.academia.edu/89900118/Gabor_Mat%C3%A9_In_the_Realm_of_Hungry_Ghosts_Close_Encounters_with_Addiction
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company. https://archive.org/details/polyvagaltheoryn0000porg
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf