When it comes to human connection, attachment styles shape how we love and relate. Among the four main attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised—the disorganised attachment style is perhaps the most complex and misunderstood. This style, often rooted in early trauma, creates unique relational challenges that can affect intimacy, self-worth, and emotional regulation. Understanding disorganised attachment and how to heal from it requires an integrated approach that addresses the mind and the body—particularly the nervous system. Boundaries and containment also play a crucial role in recovery and creating healthier relationships.
What Is Disorganised Attachment?
Disorganised attachment, sometimes called “fearful-avoidant,” is characterised by a profound inner conflict: the need for connection is deeply felt, but so is a fear of intimacy. This attachment style often stems from childhood environments that were both a source of comfort and fear—such as those involving abuse, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving (Main & Solomon, 1986). Children in such environments may not develop a coherent strategy for seeking safety and closeness, leading to chaotic or contradictory behaviours in adult relationships.
In adulthood, individuals with disorganised attachment might alternate between clinging and distancing, struggle with trust, and have difficulty regulating emotions. These behaviours are not conscious choices but survival adaptations formed early in life. To understand and heal disorganised attachment, it is helpful to look at the role of the nervous system.
The Role of the Nervous System
Trauma, especially relational trauma, imprints itself not only in our memories but also in our biology. According to The Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), the autonomic nervous system governs our responses to safety and threat. For people with disorganised attachment, the nervous system is often dysregulated—frequently shifting between sympathetic arousal (fight or flight) and dorsal vagal shutdown (freeze).
This dysregulation means that even minor relational triggers can provoke seemingly overblown reactions: panic, dissociation, rage, or numbness. Nervous system regulation becomes crucial for healing because it helps individuals develop the capacity to stay present, tolerate emotional discomfort, and build secure connections over time.
Trauma-informed practices and techniques such as breathwork, somatic experiencing (Levine, 2010), learning about triggers and vagus trauma-informed practices can support regulation. Importantly, working with a trauma-informed therapist can create a “co-regulating” relationship, helping the individual learn to calm their system in the presence of another—an essential skill for healthy attachment.
Boundaries: A Path to Safety and Autonomy
People with disorganised attachment often struggle with boundaries, and often flit between being extremely close and firmly distant, either enmeshing with others or erecting rigid walls between them and their partner. This is a learned response: when safety in relationships has historically been unpredictable or dangerous, boundaries become blurred or defensive. However, healing requires relearning what it means to have—and respect—clear, consistent boundaries.
Boundaries are not just about saying “no” but also about knowing what we are responsible for and what we are not. This creates a sense of agency and autonomy, both essential for developing a secure self. Learning to set boundaries can feel threatening at first, especially if we fear abandonment or rejection, but with time, boundaries become a source of empowerment rather than disconnection.
Boundaries also create emotional safety, which is essential for nervous system regulation. When we know our limits and that they will be honoured, we can relax more fully into connection, reducing the fear and hypervigilance that so often accompany disorganised attachment.
Containment: Holding Emotional Experience
Containment, in the context of psychological healing, refers to the ability to “hold” emotional experience without becoming overwhelmed by it. For individuals with disorganised attachment, emotional intensity often feels like a flood—unmanageable and frightening. Without containment, emotions spill out in destructive ways or get buried deep, only to resurface later.
In therapy, containment is partly provided by the therapist, who models emotional regulation and offers a safe space to explore difficult feelings. Over time, the individual internalises this sense of safety, learning to “contain” themselves. This involves developing tools for self-soothing, reflection, and emotional expression that do not rely solely on others for stability.
Containment also intersects with nervous system work: when the body is regulated, the mind is better able to hold complexity without tipping into chaos. This capacity allows for deeper intimacy in relationships, as we are no longer driven by unconscious patterns of reactivity or avoidance.
Healing Is Possible
Healing from disorganised attachment is not linear, nor is it quick. It requires a multidimensional approach that includes relational, psychological, and somatic work. Central to this process is developing secure attachment—a state in which an individual, through therapy and self-awareness, develops the capacity for secure connection despite an insecure early environment (Siegel, 2010).
Key elements of healing include:
- Therapeutic Relationships: A trauma-informed therapist provides a reparative experience, offering safety, consistency, and empathy.
- Nervous System Regulation: Techniques such as grounding, breathwork, and somatic therapy help build physiological resilience.
- Clear Boundaries: Learning to identify and honor personal limits fosters autonomy and reduces relational chaos.
- Emotional Containment: Developing the ability to process emotions without overwhelm increases self-trust and stability.
Each of these elements supports the others. For example, better regulation allows for clearer boundaries; clearer boundaries create space for containment; containment reduces reactivity in relationships. Over time, these practices lead to a greater sense of safety in the world and within oneself.
In Relationship: From Chaos to Coherence
Disorganised attachment plays out most vividly in close relationships, where unresolved trauma meets the vulnerability of intimacy. But relationships can also be the safest and most important place to heal. With self-awareness and support, individuals can begin to choose differently—to pause before reacting, to speak their truth with kindness, and to offer themselves the compassion they may never have received.
This is not about becoming perfect. Rather, it’s about becoming present. Healing disorganised attachment means becoming someone who can stay with their experience, who can regulate through difficulty, and who can relate to others from a place of authenticity and care.
Embracing Transformation
Disorganised attachment may be rooted in chaos, but it does not have to define our lives. Through nervous system regulation, the cultivation of healthy boundaries, and the development of emotional containment, healing becomes not just possible but transformative. The path from disorganisation to integration is one of courage—but it leads to a life of deeper connection, greater resilience, and true intimacy.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=556378
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern: Procedures, findings and implications for the classification of behavior. In T. B. Brazelton, & M. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy (pp. 95-124). Norwood, NJ: Ablex.
https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=1076926
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W W Norton & Co.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-04659-000
Levine, P. (2010) In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma. North Atlantic Books, Berkeley.
https://www.scirp.org/reference/referencespapers?referenceid=2656772
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
https://colegiopspchubut.com.ar/storage/2024/09/Daniel-J.-Siegel-M.D.-The-Developing-Mind-Third-Edition_-How-Relationships-and-the-Brain-Interact-to-Shape-Who-We-Are.-Bonus-Brilliance-Audio-2020.pdf