In our closest relationships, communication is often described as the lifeforce that sustains connection, understanding, and intimacy. Yet, for many, trauma can disrupt this vital flow, leaving partners feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally adrift. Trauma, especially when unaddressed, can stifle communication in profound ways—manifesting as withdrawal, reactivity, or even avoidance of conflict altogether. Understanding how trauma impacts relational dynamics and learning to build safe spaces for healthy conflict are crucial steps toward healing and deeper connection.
The Hidden Weight of Trauma in Relationships
Trauma, broadly defined as overwhelming experiences that exceed an individual’s capacity to cope, is rarely contained solely within the individual. As Judith Herman, a foundational trauma expert, explains in Trauma and Recovery (1992), trauma shatters a person’s sense of safety and trust, impairing their ability to regulate emotions and relate to others in healthy ways. This disruption inevitably affects intimate relationships, which rely heavily on trust and vulnerability.
Peter Levine, known for his work in somatic experiencing, emphasises how trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. In Waking the Tiger (1997), Levine argues that unresolved trauma dysregulates the nervous system, leading to hyperarousal or dissociation states that disrupt healthy and clear communication. When nervous system dysregulation occurs, even small disagreements can escalate into overwhelming conflict or emotional shutdown.
Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score (2014), expands on this idea by showing how trauma reshapes brain function, particularly areas responsible for emotional regulation and social engagement. He notes that trauma survivors often struggle with emotional expression and attunement, which can create a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and conflict avoidance in relationships.
How Trauma Stifles Communication
In trauma-affected relationships, communication breakdown often emerges in three primary ways:
- Hypervigilance and Reactivity: Trauma survivors may respond to perceived threats with intense fear or anger. This hypervigilance makes conflict feel unsafe, triggering defensive or aggressive behaviours that shut down dialogue.
- Emotional Numbing and Dissociation: To avoid overwhelming feelings, some may disconnect from their emotions altogether, making it difficult to express needs or listen empathically.
- Fear of Abandonment or Betrayal: Deep fears of rejection can cause individuals to either withdraw or cling excessively, neither of which supports healthy communication or conflict resolution.
Gabor Maté, a leading expert on trauma and addiction, highlights the role of early attachment wounds in shaping these patterns. In his work, Maté asserts that trauma disrupts the essential emotional attunement between caregiver and child, which lays the groundwork for future relational capacities. When this foundation is shaky, adult relationships often replicate those early dynamics, marked by mistrust, miscommunication, and conflict avoidance.
The Importance of Nervous System Regulation
Central to healing trauma in relationships is the regulation of the nervous system. As Levine and van der Kolk both note, trauma keeps the nervous system “stuck” in fight, flight, or freeze responses. Before meaningful communication can occur, partners need to feel safe both internally and interpersonally.
Nervous system regulation can be cultivated through practices such as mindfulness, breathwork, somatic therapies, and grounding exercises. These techniques help shift the body out of survival mode and into a state of calm readiness, enabling clearer thinking and emotional availability.
Bessel van der Kolk underscores that “feeling safe” in the body is a prerequisite for emotional openness. When partners can co-regulate—help each other return to calm—there is greater space for honest dialogue and the processing of difficult emotions.
Boundaries and Containment: Creating a Safe Space for Conflict
Healing trauma and restoring communication also requires clear boundaries and containment within relationships. Boundaries serve as protective limits that ensure each person feels respected and safe. Judith Herman emphasises the need for containment—creating a relational “container” that holds distress without overwhelming either partner.
Containment involves setting limits around how conflict is expressed and agreeing on ways to pause and self-soothe when emotions run high. This safety framework allows both partners to engage with vulnerability without fearing mistreatment or abandonment.
Boundaries also empower trauma survivors by giving them control over their personal space and emotional availability, which is often compromised by trauma. According to Gabor Maté, establishing boundaries is a crucial act of self-care and healing, enabling individuals to differentiate their own feelings from their partner’s and avoid enmeshment.
Building Space for Healthy Conflict
Conflict, while often feared, is an inevitable and necessary part of intimate relationships. Healthy conflict allows for the expression of differing needs and perspectives, fostering growth and deeper understanding. For trauma-affected couples, building space for such conflict requires intentional strategies:
- Prioritise Safety: Begin by creating an environment where both partners feel emotionally and physically safe. This might mean agreeing on “time-outs” when conflict becomes overwhelming or setting ground rules for respectful communication.
- Practice Nervous System Awareness: Check in with your body during difficult conversations. If you notice signs of dysregulation (racing heart, shutting down), pause and use grounding techniques before continuing.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame concerns in terms of your own feelings and needs rather than blaming or accusing. This reduces defensiveness and invites empathy.
- Engage in Active Listening: Reflect back what you hear your partner say to ensure understanding and validate their experience.
- Seek Professional Support: Trauma-informed therapy can guide couples in rebuilding trust and communication skills, helping partners navigate the complexities of trauma responses.
Conclusion
Trauma can feel like an invisible anchor weighing down relationships, stifling communication and making conflict seem like a dangerous minefield. Yet, with awareness and intention, couples can transform these challenges into opportunities for healing and growth.
By understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma as highlighted by Judith Herman, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Gabor Maté, partners can cultivate nervous system regulation, establish boundaries, and create containment. These foundational steps open the door to healthy conflict, where vulnerability is met with safety, and honest communication becomes the pathway to deeper connection.
Healing from trauma within relationships is not about avoiding conflict but learning to hold it with care, respect, and compassion. When partners commit to this work, relationships can move from adrift to anchored, from silence to dialogue, and from isolation to intimacy.
References
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-30136-000
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/waking-the-tiger-healing-trauma/
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
Maté, G. (2018). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2426971