[Vic]

I have just finished reading your book and have finally been able to make some connections between my past and my present situations.

I have tried to keep this short, but it still seems to go on a bit, so apologies!

I am generally happy with my life. I am happily married with three adorable children for which I feel very lucky. I am also close to my parents and two brothers and see/speak to them regularly. However, when it comes to my confidence and my career I am not so happy. These are two areas where I do not seem to be able to break familiar cycles.

Recently it has been suggested that I have specific social anxiety. I enjoy socialising and meeting people but certain situations trigger a physical reaction. Every time I go to a wedding / go to Parents Evening / go to dinner parties / take a class / go to a work meeting etc I get diarrhoea ñ I am literally afraid of these type of situations where I feel someone else is in charge but there is no reason why I should be. No amount of logical thinking seems to help. I donít let this stop me from carrying on with my life but it can make me pretty miserable at times.

When it comes to my career, I am unable to make a decision as to which direction to go in. I recently quit my job as a lawyer (for the 4th time!) that I hated but felt obliged to continue. I seem to keep ending up working as a lawyer because I canít stick at anything else.

So, how does this connect to my past?

I have a very domineering mother and I was brought up in a very academic environment. I was expected to do well and pursue a professional career. Although I was academically able, I had to work extremely hard to achieve good grades and I was miserable socially. My mother is very aggressive and I spent a long time as a child trying to pacify her and keep her happy.

In terms of specific incidents that might have ìtraumatisedî me, the following spring to mind:

* Aged 7 I asked my mother for help with my homework. She was so appalled at my efforts that she said she could not help me and proceeded to write an essay for me, faking my own handwriting. This is not what I had wanted, I just needed some guidance.

* Also aged 7 I was in the top class for my year and felt totally out of my depth. One day I needed to go to the loo in the middle of a lesson. I asked the teacher if I could go but he refused. I couldnít hold on, so I had an accident. When I was finally allowed to leave the class at the end of the lesson I was so ashamed and humiliated that I pretended I was ill. My mother then came to collect me and I carried on the pretence that I was ill.

* Aged 12, I was at yet another school that I hated. I didn't have much in common with the other girls and so didn't have many friends. It was a horrible hot-house environment. Half the girls ended up being anorexic and one tried to commit suicide. Anyway, I told my mother how miserable I was at school and how I wish I had more friends. Instead of the sympathy I had wanted, she suggested that there was something wrong with me as no one else had this problem.

My family does not really ìdoî emotions as such. We were brought up never to cry or make a fuss and to pull ourselves together and get on with things. My mother cannot deal with me being upset and refuses to talk to me about any problems. If I do stand up to her about anything then she takes great offence and stops speaking to me.

I have had some therapy sessions but have found it very difficult to get in touch with my emotions. The whole speaking to an empty chair thing does not work for me and I can't speak to my mother because she would not take it well. When I do get upset, then I quickly check myself and stop (even if I try to stay with the hurt or angry feelings). I have now stopped the sessions as I did not see any results.

My questions are:

1. Do you think that these incidences and my ìissuesî are connected?
2. How can I release these emotions?

I hope that if I can somehow let it all hang out, then I will no longer have to spend my life worrying about what other people think and trying to live up to their expectations.

[suzi]

Dear Vic
I have read your post and am writing because I want to tell you that you are not the only one to feel like this. I also feel that you can get over this. Telling yourself you're stupid etc is not the answer. You're not stupid, it looks to me as if you're a highly emotional person unfortunately born into an unemotional family! It happens and it's not easy to deal with!
It took me 6 months with a lovely therapist to finally state,'I've spent a lot of my life doing what other people want instead of doing what I want.' It was a momentous statement and I was actually suprised when she cheered and said it's taken you months to see it for yourself. Maybe you can see it quicker than I could.
I had a very intelligent and successful father who was a rather distant figure in my life because of his work. I wanted to please so, like you, I studied hard to prove myself to him and unfortunately it didn't stop after university and I carried on for years, putting myself through all sorts of employment exams etc in order to 'shine'. This desire to please can be very destructive and left me with a fear of failing/embarrassment plus a fear of pressure and of authority figures. I suspect your fear of these situations you mention is because you worry that things will fall out of control and you will end up humiliated as you were in the lesson when you were seven. I can see an immediate link between the diarrhoea and the toilet episode. All those places/events you mention are ones where it would be dreadful to lose control.
The straightjacket of the school you attended at 12 was something which would have left you extremely stressed as you saw no way out. The fact you survived it, unlike the other poor pupils who fell ill, is testament to your strong sense of inner self which you have kept. I think that if you didn't have this strong inner self then you wouldn't be trying to put things right now.
I will say that when I had the 'awakening moment' in my therapy, I didn't then find my self going on to some magical job or interest that suddenly popped up. There wasn't any strong desire underneath (which was perhaps why I had clung so strongly to the path I was on) but I have done a lot of interesting things these last ten years but no 'great career' or fabulous job.
I think you will need to work this all through without your mother. This is for you but I am sure you have the ability to do it. It is possible to work these things through 'alone' - I did because my father was dead by then. I have no brothers or sisters so there wasn't anyone to discuss it with.
Take time to think through calmly those awful events of your childhood and gradually put them in a place where they happened but can't haunt you anymore. You want to move on and it's time for you to do so. I have to re-do this occasionally but you then go on.
I hope this helps.
Suzi.

[Vic]

Dear Suzi

Thanks so much for your response. It is so great to receive some support and read some useful advice.

I realise that I have been spending far too long trying to please other people. However, whilst I know this in my head, I still need to experience this in my heart.

I was really interested to hear about your own experience and in particular, the part about your desire to please leading to a fear of failure/embarrassment/authority figures. Also, it is very refreshing to hear that although you had a eureka moment there was no magic answer lying beneath the fear. This makes me realise that I need to stop thinking that everyone has one great calling and if they miss it somehow they have failed. Everyone is multi-talented and it is a better idea for me to explore my abilities and just enjoy myself!

I would be interested to know how you put any horrible events of your childhood into a place where they happened but can't haunt you anymore. That is what I am trying to do, but I am struggling with this.

Thanks again.

Vic

[suzi]

Dear Vic
thank you for your reply. I'm very glad you found it useful. I will tell you what I think about the idea of 'one job/one calling theory...I think this belief is an incorrect one. I think it comes as part of the baggage of trying to please - you fasten onto something which you think is going to be the ticket for you to get to the 'Promised Land' of success. The desire to be a success/acceptable to your parents has distorted your perception of the world of work. Unfortunately a job has become something which you assess for its suitability for the goal rather than whether you really want to do it or not. I found myself in a couple of jobs where I forced my brain to absorb masses of information which I hated but which I thought would lead me to the top. Needless to say my poor brain rebelled and I eventually gave in my notice. The relief and freedom I felt were enormous. Since then I have stood back from similar things if I felt I was wanting to put myself through such hoops again.
Putting the distressing episodes behind you is something which improves with time and practice. Once you start to do it, it gets easier. Going over these horrible times has in fact become a reinforcing scenario you have put upon yourself as you were stuck in a rut - the rut of feeling depression and failure.
Instead now, try sitting quietly and viewing that little child (you) in a detached way but seeing the distress. You can project sympathy and love to the little child but you are now an adult and would be able to speak out and act now if you were in such a distressing situation. You can even practise in your head or out loud what you would say now if you felt akward again. You don't have to worry about getting caught in such an embarrassing way. Some of this is about being assertive. Assertiveness needs practising. It's not easy, I know but I promise you get better the more you do. I realised how very unassertive I was - not saying what I really liked or wanted and it was in many different aspects of my life. Once I worked at it over tiny things (like expressing a preference for food or drink etc if I wanted something) then I found it easier in other areas to acknowledge what I did or didn't want. You don't have to do jobs you really hate.
Why don't you work on these things and see where you go with it? You may have little set backs and upsets but don't give up!
What things do you like? I love reading - it was a refuge for me and I always have to have some books on the go. I re-discovered acting and realised that I love directing plays. I love riding and I have learned to shoot.
Suzi.

[Benjamin Fry]

To answer your original two questions:

1 - yes, you've just told us that if you look at it.
2 - more of what you've just done. Any communication that helps you to build bridges in your conscious understanding between your present blocks and your past experiences will help to loosen the emotional ties which prevent you from automatically processing these stuck emotions.