[naritanick]

I noticed when the relationship is discussed, it ended with Heather, "when the natural course of the relationship ran out of steam". Yet with Scarlet who you projected a lot on it finally ended when you realised you were projecting on her.

How do you know when a relationship has ended naturally?


Background details
I am in a relationship where we are at each other throats. I react strongly 75% of the time and her 25% of the time. Its not a healthy relationship but we seem to stick with it. As a 34 year old its my first serious relationship (the first time a woman I liked actually gave me a chance) but for her she has returned from a gay relationship. Both of us have issues with our parents. We have been together two years.

[Benjamin Fry]

That's a really good question. Almost by definition it's impossible to know what's real and what's made up in a relationship. So in a sense it doesn't really matter.

What's important is not how much projection there is, but how you are working with it as a couple. If you can bear to own your feelings and not blame her, saying things like "I'm so angry right now and I know it's my stuff, but when you do X I can't seem to help feeling like Y", then you are working with your issues in the relationship. If instead, all you can say is, "You are a *&^%$£"! and I hate you", then it tends to be destructive. See some Mars and Venus exercises for more ideas.

A good relationship will be painful, because it introduces you to your pain. It's how you manage your pain in relation to the other person that matters. There's you, and you reacting to "us". So you are both in it all the time, and you are also always responsible for your reaction to both of you.

It's hard, which is why relationships are so tough. But if you get it right, it's very healing, nurturing and rewarding.