[so_depressed]

I lost my girlfriend of 6 years 2 years ago, we were engaged, had a house, and were planning a family, she cheated on me and ended it after she decided to go off with this other man. I was cut up badly, more than I ever thought possible, thoughts of suicide entered my mind, and if it wasnít for talking to friends I seriously donít think I would be hear now, everyone persuaded me to get on with everything. I have a decent job and earn good money and have a very good set of friends and so I knuckled down with my job and try to stop thinking of the pain. However after 2 years I still cant stop thinking of everything that went wrong, Iíve been with other women since, none of which were anything on her, but then I starting seeing another women that I thought could finally pull me out of the hole I am in, she was everything I could want in someone, I thought finally I had turned the corner, I started being the person that I once was, happy, full of life and drive. Then 3 weeks ago she ended it all, once again she had been seeing someone else. Iím now in situation where I cant see any way out, thoughts of suicide have entered my head again. I just cant handle another 2 years of being so down, so low, where everything seems meaningless. I had a plan when I was younger of being married with kids, stable job and enjoying settled life by the time I reached my age now, but instead I sit at home and turn to the bottle for an escape, and cant seem to lift myself out the hole that I have been put in. My friends are still there, but they donít seem to understand, its easy for someone to say ìstop drinking, and get on with lifeî when they are happy themselves. Iím sick of the hand I have been dealt in life, and I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel that doesnít involve drink or ending it all, but at the moment thatís all I can see....

[crystal]

You really have my sympathy.

Please don't think of yourself as a failure because your lifeplan hasn't worked out so far. You probably still have time to make things work with another woman. And even if you failed in this plan - maybe there are other things to do with your life that might make it worthwhile.

Talk to some people who you think you have nothing in common with - people who have taken a completely different path to you and yet regard themselves as successful. For instance, a gay person who has opted never to have kids but has built an amazing career, utilising all the free time that not being a family person has allowed them. Or someone who is proud of the fact that they are a serial monogamist and can tell all sorts of wonderful stories about their various different partners and has children from several different relationships that they still see.

You could always try getting up one morning and deciding to be someone else and seeing what happens.

Statistics show that being unfaithful is something that a lot of people in relationships do. It really is commonplace - you are not unusually unlucky to have had this happen to you. Nor are you necessarily doing something wrong.

I do think you may be choosing the wrong sort of women though. Why not go for someone shy and homeloving with a very absorbing and unsexy hobby? I bet they don't get the chance to be unfaithful! Conversely, if you date a lapdancer I would say you don't stand a chance of her ever being faithful. Where were your ex's on the scale between 'Shy sewing teacher in a girl's primary school' and 'topless bar-maid in swingers' club'.

As for the drinking - if you are not an alcoholic then try going on a month's alcohol fast. You should find this no harder than giving up potatoes. If you find it completely impossible then you are an alcoholic. In which case it is probably best to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I met a woman who turned her life around by going to those meetings. It provided her with a good social life full of non-drinkers too. She also benefited from the chance to talk and get attention.

I hope you find my advice helpful but if you don't then don't despair! There are people with better advice than me.

Crystal

[so_depressed]

Thank-you Crystal for your words of support, its always nice to hear someone elseís view on a issue that I have spent too long thinking about and dwelling on. You are completely right, I think I have spent to much time worrying that my life plan is not going like I wanted rather than embrace what I have got.

I do have a problem with drink, thatís something I know and cant keep on thinking I donít, Iíll try my very best to stop on my own, but Iím promising myself that if I cant I will seek help on the matter, Iím certainly not proud on admitting to other people that I have a problem but if it comes to it then I hope I can be strong enough to do it. I like to think I would be able to.

I think your probably right on selecting the wrong type of person, I have this exterior of being a right ëladí , but I know deep down thatís not me at all, and in fact I am way to sensitive about everything, and I suppose if Iím thinking about it itís the ëladí side of me that has attracted my exís and then once they get to know me Iím not really the person they fell for and on both occasions the people they have gone off with have been like my exterior self. I cant fix being sensitive, thatís me, but I suppose I need to fix me on the outside, and stop attracting the wrong type of women, and yes you are right, neither of them had traditional office type jobs, and were in environments where they would meet lots of other blokes. Iím not a bad person I know that, but I suppose the image I give out wouldnít be attracting the type of women that I want to meet, the fact of the matter is that I think I set my standards too high and have this image of the perfect person I want to be with, and that person is my first ex, I need to change that perception and be happy with someone that likes me for me, rather then me for the image I give out. I not doubting that the ex I was to married to loved me, as I know she did, but she wasnít the ëoneí and no matter how much that upsets me I need to get past trying to replacing her like for like, there must be someone out there somewhere that will love me for who I am, and maybe they are not my normal type of women but I need to get past judging them on the past and look toward the future.

Again thank-you Crystal for your words, they have lifted me on this normally dull and depressing start to the week.

[crystal]

Thanks for being so nice about my reply - it gave me confidence in my opinions. Something I really needed right now as I get no respect from my family or my partner's.

From your last post, I can tell you that I find your account of your true self far more attractive than the idea of the person you project yourself as.

Just think! You don't have to change a thing about your inner personality to be appealing to women. You only need to start believing that it is safe to stop acting like a laddish, tough guy.

Be yourself! Have earnest conversations about things you believe in with women. Some of them will really, really like it. The majority of women want a relaxed, stable family life with mutual respect more than anything else in the world and will put up with all sorts of small disappointments in order to get this.

And why not go to Alcoholics Anonymous now. As soon as you can locate a meeting. Apparently they are really non-judgemental and supportive - even if you turn up somewhat drunk.

If you are an alcoholic then this is the biggest problem you have! I can assure you that, if you know you have a problem with this then other people will know about it too. Fix this problem and all sorts of other problems will start magically disappearing without you doing anything at all. Go for it now.

[so_depressed]

Wow, thank-you again, I cant tell you how much reading your comments have made me think about things and question myself, I never thought I would get anything out of posting things on the web, but the fact is that it is so very nice to hear someone tell me the things I suppose I have wanted to hear from my friends for so long.

Iíve been reading your post on the site, and Iím in the process of replying myself, but I would like to say quickly now that you opinions have given me a lift, something I can aim for, you certainly have given me a word in my ear that I wont forget, and for the first time in a while I think I might just be able to do this.

Iíll seriously consider going to an AA meet, itís a scary prospect have to openly admitting face to face that I have a problem, but then again at least I can admit to myself that I do, thatís got to be a first step. Iíve got a life ahead of me and Iím sure many more upís and downís and I canít rely on the drink to be the solution to them all, and as you said one problem at a time, and I seriously hope solving this one could be the catalyst to solving the other ones as well.

Again Crystal thank you so much for you kind words of support, I canít believe the impact of speaking to someone completely un-biased, someone that doesnít know me has had. I just hope I can take the positive mood I am in now to make it the driving point to change things in my life.

Thank-you

[Benjamin Fry]

Thereís a particular pain that I think youíve been experiencing. It is the loss of your dreams. It can be the hardest pain of all. Iím sorry that you have suffered so much.

However, there is a lot that you can do to help yourself, but only if you want to. You can do this on two levels. First, you need some new mental technology to start to be able to understand yourself and your life differently. Secondly, you need to address the external consequences of your situation; namely the alcohol addiction. Neither is easy on its own, but paradoxically, if done together they may be less difficult. I can help you with the former. For the later, do what Crystal advises and get down to AA. Youíll find no judgment there, just a lot of help.

Hereís a thing that happens all the time: people experience a terrible pain, pick themselves up and then almost by bizarre coincidence, the same thing happens again. You can see it even in the small number of questions on this web-site. It begs the question why? It was in answering that question for myself that I came to write my book.

The conclusion that I have come to is that we do it on purpose. Not consciously by explicit intent, of course. Actually we say that we are looking for the opposite. But by unconscious intent. The reason that I suggest that we are the agency responsible on some level is that the only common part of these stories is always the individual telling them. You have experienced almost identical external situations with two different women. These have left you with the same emotional state. The connection is you. Either itís a very unfortunate coincidence or we need to understand whatís wrong with you.

If Iím right that you are doing this yourself on some unconscious level, then there must be a reason (an unconscious one). I suggest that the reason can be found in the actual consequences of these events. Look at how these two splits left you feeling. It is within these feelings that you will find the answer to this riddle. Within that emotional wasteland of despair there is a door to an emotional resolution that your unconscious mind knows that you need. It will relate to a prior pattern of traumatic events or situations that have left you with a residue of unprocessed emotions. Your unconscious mind brings you back to this dark place in order to try to help you to reach and resolve those emotions. For, without this resolution, your life can only get so far. You have said yourself that you are somewhat faking who you are in life. This will probably be why.

The opportunity here is to think about the earliest time in your life that you can remember feeling this way, and to try to work on the original thoughts and feelings that set up the trauma in the first place. Often it was instigated in early infancy, and then worked on over and over again in life as new events and situations echoed the original wound. To get past this phase in your life, you will need to burrow back to unearth these primal pains. When you get there, you will be released of so much of your present suffering and your future will be much better than you had even hoped for before.

Bear in mind that it is not these women that you have lost, but the dream that you projected onto them. You could not really want these women; after all, who wants to make a life with someone who is already cheating on them? It was the construction you made from them that you grieve, not the individuals themselves. You might not believe me, but trust me enough to give it some thought. Iíve been there and have a wardrobe full of t-shirts.

In AA you will find a support network that can help you to start unearthing your deeper emotional issues. You will have to accept that your dreams were just that. Reality may be a hard bite to swallow. But the advantage of finding it, is that it doesnít evaporate, like dreams do. The plan has had to change; that much you already know, but donít worry to much about that. Instead, get to understand yourself, and why plans changing are so painful for you.

[Benjamin Fry]

I'm pleased that it worked out for you. Thank you for the feedback.

[carly]

[hi, dnt think so little of yourself everyone has failed relationships where they have been hurt bad,im only seventeen so i no what your thinking what does she know? but i can tell you this, reading what you have written says it all you have already said what i nice group of friends you have so by no means are you a failure, friends are a big part of your life imagine where you would be without one of them,then think thats exactly what they feel about losing you, although it may feel like you have no one to love you but you do more then you think.