[Krissie]

Hi Benjamin

I've just finished reading your book for the second time and there is so much in there that I can identify with , especially in the extracts form other writers on this forum. One person I indentified with in particular was a girl who felt she had lost her way in life after she went travelling. I feel that this has happened to me. I feel a desperate need to be settled in my life but it just never seems to happen. I started working as a teacher abroad a few years ago, and have worked in a few countries, but up until now have never stayed longer than a year and always end up going back to live with my mother, then going away again to work somewhere else. I never seem to find a place where i'm happy to stay long term.

In the first few months of my current job i thought i'd finally cracked it. I liked my job, had a good social life and I thought that people here liked me. I actually felt content and couldn't see what could happen to change this, but afer returning from the Christmas break I've felt the same feelings of loneliness that seems to have plagued me my entire life. I feel let down by one friend in particular and spend most of my free time on my own. A few months ago I had an argument with someone else who, among other things, told me that i bring a negative 'aura' with me when i go out in the evenings. I was really upset about this, as i thought this was someone i got on with, and i always thought I was having a good time when i was out. I think this person feels bad now (last time i saw him he was laughing hysterically at all my not-very-good-jokes!) but it doesn't change what he said or the fact that he's not exactly the first person to say something like this. It's made me think that I really need to do something to change.

I seem to have spent my whole life trying to overcome my shyness and lack of self esteem. When i was little i was always being described as 'quiet' or 'miserable'. As i child I was always crying for one reason or another, usually after some argument with my family, hence my reputation as the moody or miserable one. I always felt this was unfair and that i was being misunderstood by my family, who it seemed to me were making me feel this way. When i tried to explain this to them once they laughed. Another repsonse was to tell me how ungrateful I was, which i think makes it hard for me to tell people my problems now, as i just feel that i should be grateful for what i've got. I never felt my feelings were taken seriously and although i can now see that my childhood tantrums could be extreme, it still makes me angry that my parents never seemed to question why I was that way. I think because my brother wasn't like that they assumed it was all down to me.

I've always had an odd relationship with my parents. On one hand I know i depend on my mother too much, but sometimes i'm so angry with her and find myself balming her for alot of my problems in life, particularly my shyness and lack of confidence. Most of my memories of her when i was little are of her shouting at us,crying and generally being uptight and stressed. There were also a few moments in particular wher she seemed to be going a bit crazy, saying some odd things, and i was frightened of being on my own with her. I know she couldn't help it. She was always very shy herself and suffered from depression when I was young. I think that maybe she still does. But after reading your book i have also wondered if some of my anxiety might have stemmed at least partly from when I was separated from her just after my birth. I'm not sure how long it was for, it might have only been a few hours but she needed some treatment shortly after i was born and i know it was a while before she saw me again.

I was also wondering if i could have been affected by my paternal grandfather's death when i was about 1 or 2 years old. Growing up i never missed him because i never knew him and because he was my grandfather i always just assumed that he must have been really old. My dad never really spoke about him so i stupidly thought he couldn't have been that badly affected by his father's death. But when he died six years ago i realised that my grandfather couldn't have been much older when he died and my dad could've only been about 30-odd (my age now), and he had two young children to look after. Maybe it had an affect on the way he parented us. He was a nice man but never really took much interst in anything we did. Most of the time i just felt irritated by him , though i do remember prefering him over my mum when i was youngas he didn't get angry with me as often as she did.

One really odd aspect to my relationship with my father is that i couldn't stand him touching me. I have no idea why, but if he ever tried to give me a hug or even just put his hand on my shoulder i'd just shrug him off. I couldn't seem to help myself . When i got older i started to feel bad for him and reaslised how upset he must have been so i'd let him give me a hug if he wanted, but i still hated it. I feel terrible about it now, especially now i can't even say i'm sorry but i still ask myself why.

Nowadays i'm constantly craving affection. I've never had a proper relationship and while i'm not a virgin, like the girl I referred to at the beginning of this post, i do have problems with sex and trusting men. When i was a teenager i was worried that i never had a boyfriend but my friends were all late starters too so i could take some comfort that in not being the only one. But eventually they all found someone and i'm still on my own. Some people have told me i put barriers up and so men think i'm not interested. It might be true but i have no idea at the time that i'm doing it so how can i change?

I feel like i've been lieft on my own, with no real direction in my life and i don't know what to do. I've signed up for another year in my current job, mainly because i feel like i can't keep moving from place to place, and i know that the company are pleased with me and there could be a chance for career development later on, but i can't feel enthusiastic about this. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing. i know i need to work on my emotional problems but i also need to work to live and i couldn't get a permanent job in my profession in the UK. I'm coming back for the summer, and have enquired about some councelling while i'm there but i don't really know what it is I need and i'm reluctant to spend money on something that may not be of any use.

I do realise how much i've rambled on in this post and you can't sort my life out for me but I'd be really grateful for any advice or comment you may be able to offer.

Thank you

[Benjamin Fry]

I think that the events in your early childhood are well worth investigating. You can do this with family members asking what they remember. You can also do it with a professional; I'd recommend a psychodynamic psychotherapist.

Certainly your internal malaise is likely to have nothing to do with your present life, so resist trying to change that for the sake of it while you make some deeper investigations.

It is interesting how much criticism affects you now from a friend. This shows that deep down you agree with it. This in turn shows that someone made you feel like that was true very early on in your life, which could have been when you were missing your mother at the beginning. From then on, if you were unable to express this and were constantly misunderstood when trying to, then things just get worse.

It's time to stay with what you are doing, and let go of what you are feeling.

[Krissie]

Hello

Thanks for the reply. Since my last post I have sought some pefessional help which has helped me to see things a lot more clearly. I am beginning to see what I have done by repeating the same life patterns which began in my past, but I am having a slightly hard time trying to work out where that leaves me in terms of my relationships with other people.

In particular I have/had a friend who I feel has been using me as a shoulder to cry on when ever she has an emotional problem (which seems to be most of the time!) I wouldn't mind but that seems to be the only time she wants to know me, and she never seems very interested me or even care whether i'm there or not , she just rants. Often she will invite me to do something with her then dump me when she gets a better offer or just say she'll let me know what's she's doing then doesn't, so i'm left wondering. I realise that I helped to create this situation by not telling her everytime she's upset me and by being so keen to act as an agony aunt in the beginning, which makes me think it would be unfair to cut off contact with her completely. However, I did once tell her nicely how upset I was and we've nearly fallen out on another occasion and though she apologised nothing changed.

Also, I know she has annoyed some of her other friends with how she behaves but as alot of them are men, when they tell her she's annoyed them she thinks its because they're all in love with her, and that they're jealous when she spends time with anyone else. She also got sacked from her job for being unreliable but thinks she is hard-done by because of that.

Anyway, my point/question is, while i can see that I am to blame for getting myself into this situation, when other people are also getting fed up with the same person, surely it can't be entirely down to my own projection? How do you know if/when its time to give up on someone?

[Benjamin Fry]

I think you just told me that you do know it's her and not you. You've considered it carefully and done a reality check. The only question is, can you find it useful to keep her in your life even if she annoys you from time to time? It might be just the kind of unpleasant stimulation you need...

[Krissie]

Hi

Thanks again for replying to my last post. I've been thinking about what you said and i see your point but i still feel a bit confused about how to deal with people who are at times annoying or hurtful . In your book you talk about not taking your feelings out on the other person and looking to your past to understand why they have affected you so much. But on the the other hand you talk about letting your feelings go and not pretending to be ok when your not. So, how do you release your emotions when you're upset without taking it out on the person who has triggered this reaction? Also,sometimes other people really aren't nice, or more likely just have 'issues' of their own to dealwith, so if you refrain from getting upset with them and maybe waiting until you're on your own to get angry/burst into tears then are you not only denying yourself the release of emotions you need but also sending a message to the other person that their unpleasant or hurtful behaviour is ok?

[Benjamin Fry]

You raise a really good point. The key is to acknowledge where the feelings are located and therefore who is responsible for them; i.e. you. The other person may have a role in the causal relationship but they are not responsible (it just sometimes feels that way!).

You need to get skilled at saying things in a way that "owns" your stuff, such as "when you do X, I feel Y and I just want you to know. I'm not trying to change you."