Beth
Thank you for sharing your stuff with us. It sounds like you are doing some real work and getting somewhere. I will definitely have a look at that book when I can. I'm still trying to work on my 'parental' issues. I've been going to a group and settling in more. Feel worried about Christmas and what will happen if I go to my Mum's. Wish I could just avoid the whole thing. I think that book sounds really helpful, it's always good to get a different perspective to prevent self blame I guess. What you said makes sense. I'm sorry to hear about your car accident. When I read what your brother replied in the email to be honest I am slightly envious. Neither of my brothers acknowledge any anger towards either of my parents. I feel sorry for them both in that way! But also a bit lonely.
Do you ever feel jealous towards other people? That is what I am battling with at the moment. I have this habit of really berating myself sometimes when I see something I admire in a friend. I will start thinking 'you will never be like that/ feel that way/ have that happiness'. I'm working through it at the moment and glad I can talk about it at the group.
What you said about your Dad made sense to me. There is so much potential for parents to abuse their power. I can totally see that some people enjoy inflicting a power on those weaker than themselves, and who is more vulnerable and dependant than a persons children. Ben talks about that in his book when he talks about how parents project there own issues with their parents onto their children. It is interesting that you are consciously deciding to spend less time with your Dad and feeling better for it.
I find my whole relationship with my Mum difficult to comprehend. Today for the first time I had more of a picture of how she would like things to be - for my Dad to remain in the past and be irrelevant. Maybe I feel this way as I am letting go of grief for him. Still I wonder where that leaves my relationship with her. If she really thinks that it is something that I should resolve privately and that she has no role in helping with... then my feelings and behaviour (for much of the last 25 years) have no validation. I think it's sad.
Anyway, I'm prattling on, just thinking out loud!
Hope things are ok with you
Helen x
Making yourself 'unlovable'.
#17
b_beth 
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Posted 05 December 2008 - 10:03 PM
Helen,
My brother's girlfriend was talking to me at the weekend about having strategies for Christmas. So rather than just chewing over and worrying about how you will cope with Christmas, plan how you are going to do it, or have a number of plans. I may go to a friends on Christmas day and see both brothers at my dad's when the eldest is over on the 28th. If my dad wants me to cook it may be too suffocating so if he asks I will offer to do and bring some desserts. Try to look after yourself and have some control.
Maybe you need to build support networks from your wider family or from friends. There's only one friend I'm really envious of. She has really led a charmed life with a family like little house off the prairie. Most other people, there are elements of their lives I am a bit envious of but I wouldn't want their life so it kind of stops there.
Do you think your mother has/had some conflict with your relationship with your father? Maybe she was envious of that? Maybe your necessary processing of it just seems to her to rub salt in the wound of her relationship with him or her relationship with her father? Your feeling will always have validation, they are your feelings, they are real. They may be problematic in relation to your mother but they are still real and valid.
This weeks therapy session for me focused on the confusion in my early life with everyone ignoring what was going on. My mother's coping mechanism for my dad's anger was to completely ignore it. This effectively left us as small children in a complete state of confusion - what was real, what was imaginary, was this really happening? It is very confusing and quite unsettling in relation to my identity. Don't be too hard on yourself, if I was confused it must have been much more intense for you in your situation.
Beth
My brother's girlfriend was talking to me at the weekend about having strategies for Christmas. So rather than just chewing over and worrying about how you will cope with Christmas, plan how you are going to do it, or have a number of plans. I may go to a friends on Christmas day and see both brothers at my dad's when the eldest is over on the 28th. If my dad wants me to cook it may be too suffocating so if he asks I will offer to do and bring some desserts. Try to look after yourself and have some control.
Maybe you need to build support networks from your wider family or from friends. There's only one friend I'm really envious of. She has really led a charmed life with a family like little house off the prairie. Most other people, there are elements of their lives I am a bit envious of but I wouldn't want their life so it kind of stops there.
Do you think your mother has/had some conflict with your relationship with your father? Maybe she was envious of that? Maybe your necessary processing of it just seems to her to rub salt in the wound of her relationship with him or her relationship with her father? Your feeling will always have validation, they are your feelings, they are real. They may be problematic in relation to your mother but they are still real and valid.
This weeks therapy session for me focused on the confusion in my early life with everyone ignoring what was going on. My mother's coping mechanism for my dad's anger was to completely ignore it. This effectively left us as small children in a complete state of confusion - what was real, what was imaginary, was this really happening? It is very confusing and quite unsettling in relation to my identity. Don't be too hard on yourself, if I was confused it must have been much more intense for you in your situation.
Beth
#18
Helen30
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Posted 18 December 2008 - 08:49 PM
Hi Beth
Thanks. Unfortunately my Mum has moved from where we grew up and I don't know anyone there who I can see over Christmas (one friend who lives nearby isn't going to be there at Christmas). So it's hard to know how I can structure it as there are no obvious escape routes. I have suggested to my Mum that she invite some other people over, friends or family, to make it more social. That will make it less pressurised for me and more likely that it will be a polite occasion. I think my Mum was a bit suprised that I suggested it. Also, I'm staying for as little time as possible and have set myself some 'tasks' to do while I'm there. The main reason why I get fed up probably is that my Mum kind of ignores me so I get completely bored and fed up.
Yes I probably do need to set up more support networks. The group I'm in helps with that. Most people there also have family issues which make Christmas difficult.
Yes I am certain that my Mum had conflicts with my Dad - they were divorced before he died although from what I have heard it sounds like she still loved him, although maybe it was love-hate by then. Maybe she was somehow jealous. She is definitely resentful that I still love him/want to remember him. It really annoys me. I was thinking that I will always love him no matter what he did. She doesn't seem to understand that. Although we hardly ever talk about it any more (she doesn't want to!).
Yes I see what you are saying about denial/avoidance of anger. To be honest I think my Mum is very similar - she certainly avoids any anger from me or anyone. Although again recently I've realised that I also seem to do that - placate people who are angry and avoid them. e.g. with an ex-boyfriend. I spent so much of the relationship avoiding him because he was angry otr I was angry. It's a difficult one. I certainly know what you mean about confusion about what is and isn't real.
Well, I do hope you enjoy Christmas (if that's possible!). Thanks again for your mails.
Helen
Thanks. Unfortunately my Mum has moved from where we grew up and I don't know anyone there who I can see over Christmas (one friend who lives nearby isn't going to be there at Christmas). So it's hard to know how I can structure it as there are no obvious escape routes. I have suggested to my Mum that she invite some other people over, friends or family, to make it more social. That will make it less pressurised for me and more likely that it will be a polite occasion. I think my Mum was a bit suprised that I suggested it. Also, I'm staying for as little time as possible and have set myself some 'tasks' to do while I'm there. The main reason why I get fed up probably is that my Mum kind of ignores me so I get completely bored and fed up.
Yes I probably do need to set up more support networks. The group I'm in helps with that. Most people there also have family issues which make Christmas difficult.
Yes I am certain that my Mum had conflicts with my Dad - they were divorced before he died although from what I have heard it sounds like she still loved him, although maybe it was love-hate by then. Maybe she was somehow jealous. She is definitely resentful that I still love him/want to remember him. It really annoys me. I was thinking that I will always love him no matter what he did. She doesn't seem to understand that. Although we hardly ever talk about it any more (she doesn't want to!).
Yes I see what you are saying about denial/avoidance of anger. To be honest I think my Mum is very similar - she certainly avoids any anger from me or anyone. Although again recently I've realised that I also seem to do that - placate people who are angry and avoid them. e.g. with an ex-boyfriend. I spent so much of the relationship avoiding him because he was angry otr I was angry. It's a difficult one. I certainly know what you mean about confusion about what is and isn't real.
Well, I do hope you enjoy Christmas (if that's possible!). Thanks again for your mails.
Helen
