[barkingmad]

I've just read Bens book (well most of it).

I found the book incredibly useful and fell like my traumas are Thawing after 22 years being frozen. It was as though for those 22 years my emotions have been locked up in fort knox and I hadn't really felt anything for all those years. Each emotion was boxed up and sent in to the building and filed away but never really felt or delt with and I didn't have the key to get in and deal with what was there.

I just went round and round and never really knew what was wrong with me, but some how knew things weren't quite right.

Well the book has given me the key and now Finally I can get inside and start dealing with the mess that is in my head at the moment. And Oh What a mess it is!

I can see why I behave so strangely some times. I had a Eureka moment last night. In the 5 years I've been with my partner (He's my husband now) I always resented him visiting his family every weekend and every wednesday. Last night I joined the cause to the effect. When I was 11 my dad had a girlfriend (my mum died when I was 4) and he used to visit her every weekend and most wednesdays. I felt rejected and pushed out as it was like my dads girlfirend was more important than me. I never told my partner that I resented his visits to his parents just tried to ignore it but all the time it was simmering away underneath. Now I understand where the feelings are comming from it doesn't bother me as much.

I have found the cause of my emetophobia (sickness fear). When I was 11 My dad and I were staying with my granny over christmas. One night my dad didn't come home, being that my mum had died in a car accident when i was 4 well I was in a right state that now I was an orphan and my dad had been killed or something. Anyway I was physically sick during all the worry and panic and ever since I have had a phobia of me or other people being sick. In fact the last time I was physically sick was when I was 11 thats how strong the phobia is.

So far so good however I'm havig a problem dealing with my parents deaths. as already mentioned my mum died in a car accident when I was 4, I was also nearly killed and my dad was able to get out of the car with just a cut to the forehead. I don't have any REAL memories of my mum just what people have told me (more repressed stuff me thinks). My dad Died when I was 17 and I didn't really grieve, I was relieved when he died as my relationship with my dad had been terrible from the age of about 12 until he died. the relationship was emotionally abusive with LOTS of issues I even tried to take my life a number of times. So I kind of feal guilty ove my dads death as though I brought it on, had a relative practically accuse me of killing my dad after he died (He had a bad heart and aparantly I didn't help enough round the house, never mind the emotional torture he subjected me to but he was sick man so I should have put up with all that)

Should I get some therapy to help me deal with the unresolved issues now that I can finally get in to fort knox and deal with the emotions?

[lagavitsa]

Hi,
It seems to me that loosing your mom at such a young age in an accident that you were present must have been quite a trauma. Then everything that happened with your dad build on that trauma.
I think that if you have the time, money and will to address these issues it will help you.
Don't feel that you are "mad" though. You seem to have yourself together and thats good!
Take care.