I have recently recognised myself as a spendaholic, but it is not this that particularly bothers me. I have a happy-go-lucky attitude and always seem to make more money (which, I of course spend - but hey that's what it's for!).
My problem seems to be that I find it almost painful to pay bills. When I have money in my account, I almost cannot get it out to pay bills, and since moving four months ago it has become very bad and I now owe 4 months' rent.
I am three-quarters way through What's Wrong With You and doing the accompanying exercises, and I do find it brilliantly helpful.
My father and two brothers died just before I turned one and I grew up with two siblings and a mother who was physically abusive towards me and is still very cruel emotionally as well as manipulative.
She is also perfect with money: pays her credit card off in full, if she even uses it; has no mortgage; is "proud" to owe no one anything, etc. so I may well be attempting to be the opposite of her - and yet I am clearly hurting myself as well as others around me.
How can I simply reconcile my past and believe that I will have enough and can comfortably afford to pay and live responsibly and simply pay my bills?
My rent is due on 7th Feb again when my student loan comes in, but I am having a party on 8th. How do I let myself know that I have enough for both? It is as if a part of me believes that if I pay bills I won't have enough to live on and have fun (even though I know inside that I don't need money to have fun).
My father died at 36 and I have managed to live past that, so it's not as if I'm going to 'die tomorrow' - but try telling my mind that - or that is almost how it feels. Any help would be most appreciated. Thank you.
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In Pain of Paying Spendaholic
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 28 January 2008 - 04:00 PM
You are manufacturing debts that don't exist. This is the opposite of what makes your mother "proud". Sounds like you are punnishing her, but too afraid to do so directly. Could you find a safe way to talk to her about your feelings around your childhood with her? That might be frightening, but have a liberating effect on your financial planning.
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#3
Glen
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Posted 29 January 2008 - 08:18 PM
I have tried that in gentle, assertive moments, but she merely says, "...Only when you deserved it." Nothing I can do or say lets her know that it was wrong to hit a child. So I get nowhere and she makes me feel guilty.
The worst thing of all is I believe all the negative things she says about me and am struggling to accept and love myself as a result. But, hey, with the love of a good man, I'm trying. So far is not helping my money issues though.
The worst thing of all is I believe all the negative things she says about me and am struggling to accept and love myself as a result. But, hey, with the love of a good man, I'm trying. So far is not helping my money issues though.
#4
b_beth
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Posted 03 March 2008 - 11:29 PM
So Glen,
When do you think she will say 'Well done, I'm really proud of you and I'm really sorry I hit you'. Even if she looks back and thinks she was wrong to hit you I don't think she's going to admit it. You were a child, she hit you and she criticised you. If you manage to ask her about her childhood just in passing I think you might see where she is coming from, there may be some echoes in your childhood.
One article I suggest you look up on the web is '12 ways to cope with a disapproving critical parent'. Its a summary of how she is flawed, you are flawed, we're all flawed. But there's nothing wrong with that. There's just something wrong with how she has treated you.
Did your mother make a big thing of paying bills? Did she help you equate paying bills with going without or with her going without? Did she like to make a big thing of going without or of being perfect with money?
In my family we can remember who we owe a drink to and who owes us a drink from months ago. Although I recognise this as strange behaviour it is so engrained it's like a bean counter going off in my head. When I commented on this to my dad he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, but then his mother used to time the length of time lightbulbs were on. I don't tend to tell other people as they make a big deal of it. My dad tells me that I am very bad at asking for help but he tended to use money as an emotional blackmail tool so I try to avoid being in debt to him at all.
Benjamin suggests you try to talk to your mother about the issues with your childhood. Do try this BUT if you find her incapable of hearing what you are saying then it is time to look after you. Become your own parent, look after yourself and surround yourself with people who love you, care for you and are positive towards you. I have talked to my dad two or three times about his childhood
and my childhood but he doesn't/ won't hear some of it. He is still in a place where he has to be right and you have to be wrong and therefore he is better than you. I find the constant verbal sparring, criticism and picking of arguments very wearing. I am seeing a LOT less of him and a LOT more of positive friends. I feel a LITTLE bit guilty as it is clearly affecting him but a LOT LOT happier and calmer. I would also recommend a book called the Tao of Pooh which is the most calming lovely book I have ever read. Its not about trying too hard its just about being.
If you can go and see Benjamin I would recommend it although when I went to see him it was £150 for 2 hours which appears to be a bit of a bargain now! He is excellent at summarising issues really clearly.
Good luck,
Beth
When do you think she will say 'Well done, I'm really proud of you and I'm really sorry I hit you'. Even if she looks back and thinks she was wrong to hit you I don't think she's going to admit it. You were a child, she hit you and she criticised you. If you manage to ask her about her childhood just in passing I think you might see where she is coming from, there may be some echoes in your childhood.
One article I suggest you look up on the web is '12 ways to cope with a disapproving critical parent'. Its a summary of how she is flawed, you are flawed, we're all flawed. But there's nothing wrong with that. There's just something wrong with how she has treated you.
Did your mother make a big thing of paying bills? Did she help you equate paying bills with going without or with her going without? Did she like to make a big thing of going without or of being perfect with money?
In my family we can remember who we owe a drink to and who owes us a drink from months ago. Although I recognise this as strange behaviour it is so engrained it's like a bean counter going off in my head. When I commented on this to my dad he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, but then his mother used to time the length of time lightbulbs were on. I don't tend to tell other people as they make a big deal of it. My dad tells me that I am very bad at asking for help but he tended to use money as an emotional blackmail tool so I try to avoid being in debt to him at all.
Benjamin suggests you try to talk to your mother about the issues with your childhood. Do try this BUT if you find her incapable of hearing what you are saying then it is time to look after you. Become your own parent, look after yourself and surround yourself with people who love you, care for you and are positive towards you. I have talked to my dad two or three times about his childhood
and my childhood but he doesn't/ won't hear some of it. He is still in a place where he has to be right and you have to be wrong and therefore he is better than you. I find the constant verbal sparring, criticism and picking of arguments very wearing. I am seeing a LOT less of him and a LOT more of positive friends. I feel a LITTLE bit guilty as it is clearly affecting him but a LOT LOT happier and calmer. I would also recommend a book called the Tao of Pooh which is the most calming lovely book I have ever read. Its not about trying too hard its just about being.
If you can go and see Benjamin I would recommend it although when I went to see him it was £150 for 2 hours which appears to be a bit of a bargain now! He is excellent at summarising issues really clearly.
Good luck,
Beth
#5
Deb
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Posted 09 November 2008 - 02:14 AM
"I have tried that in gentle, assertive moments, but she merely says, "...Only when you deserved it." Nothing I can do or say lets her know that it was wrong to hit a child. "
I have had similar conversations with my mother, on the same topic, and I have come to the conclusion it's a complete waste of time. She either denies the abuse took place, or is uncaring. And thinking back, I don't think she really cared how I felt. She used violence and cruelty as a way of expressing herself.
If you can come through all of that and still feel like throwing a party and having fun, you're in a relatively good place. At least give yourself credit for getting to that point. There are important things to keep giving to yourself that are related to paying bills, though. Top of my list to keep up to date would be rent. Decent shelter is important to wellbeing and a sense of security. Abuse really undermines the sensation of being safe. I've been homeless, and I have lived in dives where cockroaches scuttled across the floor as soon as the lights went out. If you have a nice place to live, it's worth keeping the rent up to date.
I have had similar conversations with my mother, on the same topic, and I have come to the conclusion it's a complete waste of time. She either denies the abuse took place, or is uncaring. And thinking back, I don't think she really cared how I felt. She used violence and cruelty as a way of expressing herself.
If you can come through all of that and still feel like throwing a party and having fun, you're in a relatively good place. At least give yourself credit for getting to that point. There are important things to keep giving to yourself that are related to paying bills, though. Top of my list to keep up to date would be rent. Decent shelter is important to wellbeing and a sense of security. Abuse really undermines the sensation of being safe. I've been homeless, and I have lived in dives where cockroaches scuttled across the floor as soon as the lights went out. If you have a nice place to live, it's worth keeping the rent up to date.
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