[KateR]

I have come across this site today and already feel better knowing I'm not alone. I have just cut up one store card and one credit card just sitting at my desk at work. A good start I hope.
I have lost count of how many times I have paid off my debts and then started them up all over again - a new credit card or a paid off balance is just an invitation to spend for me. As well as store cards with promises of 'points back' when you spend and my Next Directory - it's not like real money.
I guess I have about £5-6,000 on credit cards plus another £1,000 on store cards/directories and I owe my sister £1,000. Not a massive amount I know but I paid everything off once already this year, only in July so that means I have spent that much in 3-4 months.
I am a single parent and I live in a rented house. I earn £28000pa but I have no hope of buying a house because the money I got from my separation/divorce has been spent on paying off my debts. I have saved some - £6,000 which is in an ISA and a savings account - should I use it to pay my debts of leave it where it is?
I do budget for my bills and food etc. and I can managed on my salary. I even try to save £150 a month for holidays, Christmas, car tax etc. but I just keep getting the plastic out when I want something.
I spend for all the classic reasons - it makes me feel better (then worse), it's a social thing for me as I don't go out a lot, I love nice things and think that to buy the glamourous products makes me glamorous, I have spent in the past to keep up with a much wealthier friend and I love the attention I get for wearing nice things - clothes, make up, jewellry etc. I read all the glossy magazines and have to buy the 'must have' products. I even spend on my kids sometimes to boost their confidence and self esteem. I even regard expensive beauty treatments as what I am entitled to when i work so hard!
It's scary writing this down because it's so obvious it has to stop but I don't know how to do it or how to fill the gap. What will I do at the weekend if I'm not shopping?
I am already having counselling following my traumatic separation and 'not feeling good enough' is one of the issues I am exploring though I haven't talked to my therapist about spending - too ashamed even to tell her.
I am desperate to do something. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?
Kate

[harvey]

feel better knowing I'm not alone


lol. you are alone.

[b_beth]

KateR, on Nov 19 2007, 05:12 PM, said:

I have come across this site today and already feel better knowing I'm not alone. I have just cut up one store card and one credit card just sitting at my desk at work. A good start I hope.
I have lost count of how many times I have paid off my debts and then started them up all over again - a new credit card or a paid off balance is just an invitation to spend for me. As well as store cards with promises of 'points back' when you spend and my Next Directory - it's not like real money.
I guess I have about £5-6,000 on credit cards plus another £1,000 on store cards/directories and I owe my sister £1,000. Not a massive amount I know but I paid everything off once already this year, only in July so that means I have spent that much in 3-4 months.
I am a single parent and I live in a rented house. I earn £28000pa but I have no hope of buying a house because the money I got from my separation/divorce has been spent on paying off my debts. I have saved some - £6,000 which is in an ISA and a savings account - should I use it to pay my debts of leave it where it is?
I do budget for my bills and food etc. and I can managed on my salary. I even try to save £150 a month for holidays, Christmas, car tax etc. but I just keep getting the plastic out when I want something.
I spend for all the classic reasons - it makes me feel better (then worse), it's a social thing for me as I don't go out a lot, I love nice things and think that to buy the glamourous products makes me glamorous, I have spent in the past to keep up with a much wealthier friend and I love the attention I get for wearing nice things - clothes, make up, jewellry etc. I read all the glossy magazines and have to buy the 'must have' products. I even spend on my kids sometimes to boost their confidence and self esteem. I even regard expensive beauty treatments as what I am entitled to when i work so hard!
It's scary writing this down because it's so obvious it has to stop but I don't know how to do it or how to fill the gap. What will I do at the weekend if I'm not shopping?
I am already having counselling following my traumatic separation and 'not feeling good enough' is one of the issues I am exploring though I haven't talked to my therapist about spending - too ashamed even to tell her.
I am desperate to do something. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?
Kate

[b_beth]

Hi Kate,

Please ignore Harveys rubbish answer.

You are spending to cover something up. Pain? Sadness? From your childhood, or your marriage, or both? Its your treat because you've had a rotten time of it. But it doesn't really help you.

You need to work out what you are so unhappy, sad or angry about....and work out whether there are repeating patterns associated with this. There are a number of cheap options to help you do this.
Benjamin's book
People on this forum with similar issues to yourself - print them off, go through them and highlight the bits that resonate with you.
Look at Tanya Byrons collumn in the Times online on a Monday and do the same.
Use all of the above as a starting point for journalling. I think journalling will really help you. Help you work out why you feel 'entitled' to these treats. Work out whether you are trying to rebel from someone who tried to control you and control your spending earlier in your life.If you can afford it maybe go down to London and have a two hour session with Benjamin. It really helped clarify things for me.

Then there's the credit cards. Jay always makes people chop them all up. I've chopped them all up bar one. The one that is remaining is in a mug of water in the freezer. Try spending on that one in a rush!

Do tell your therapist about your spending - its simply another method of avoiding underlying issues. If you don't tell him/her about it you are not giving the full picture.

You could use your savings to pay off the debts. That is usually what is recommended BUT what is the point if you just start spending again. Also have a look on www.moneysavingexpert.com about snowballing - the quickest way to pay off your debts.

Good luck,
Beth

[Deb]

Do you get child tax credit (not child benefit - this is something else)? www.hmrc.gov.uk has a section where you can put in all your details, in a questionnaire format - very user friendly - which would tell you how much you are entitled to. It may not be much, maybe only £500 or so over a calendar year, but it all helps. The year end for the HMRC is April, so the calculator only tells you your entitlement up to next April, so if it seems low, keep this in mind.

The other thing I did with my kids, even for the youngest when he was only 6, is open up their own bank accounts for them. I pay in £5 a week each as an automatic transfer, which may seem a bit stingy but I wanted them to have it with no strings attached and I wanted to know I could afford it every week. It's been great. They love watching their money grow and they spend heaps less now they have to spend their money instead of mine. It's been lovely!

I wouldn't give up on your beauty treatments if you enjoy them and they make you feel good. Maybe just don't do them as often. So, if you do your nails, say, once a week, maybe try once a fortnight until you have eaten into some of your debts. It's really important when you work to pay yourself first - ahead of the house, the kids, everything. And doubly so when you are in debt. Even if all you feel you can afford is £20 a week, I think it would be good to set up a savings account, not for saving as such (that's what the ISA is for) but just to distance it from the money that bears the burden of expenses, credit card repayments, rent etc, and pay yourself pocket money, just like you would for the kids.