[Irish]

My wife has a problem with spending too. When ever she knows I have extra money she quits her job so that she can "stay home with the kids" (16 months and 11 years) instead of putting the youngest in daycare and doing her part in earning some good coin.

She often keeps me from talking about financial matters, because she gets angry at me if I tell here we are spending more the "we" (actually "I") make the more she spends. Since I am the only person with a college degree I work 40 hour weeks and have considered taking up a weekend job so that we can meet our budget requirements. Not to mention all of the financial stress in running our household it is affecting my job performance and I will be lucky if I ever get a raise again.

Although my wife has been a job hopper for a long time we are eventually going to run out of money unless she gets off the couch with her three 750 ml. bottles of wine and smokes half a pack of cigarettes a day. These stupid habits costly and COULD amount to hefty hospital bills stemmed from cancer or liver disease, when I will say, "I told you so." I often go to bed way before her and she stays up late and sleeps in late to support her evenings of binge wine drinking; this drives me nuts, because I am devilling into my retirement money to keep up with her drinking and smoking habits, car payments on the car she drive, etc. etc. etc.

The whole deal when I married my wife is that she would be our second source of income and she always enticed me with comments on a pending lawsuit that would earn her a million dollars for a situation she had at a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant she managed before she met me. Although we were together for five years of and on before I started making good money as a business administrator she always tried to tell me things to get me to propose to her and finally I did when we moved in together. Ever since she and I were married she thinks that I am making her my "ball and chainî and whines when ever she doesn't get her way. One time before we were married I thought I broke up with her for sure and she came over to my home several days after the break up and said she was pregnant with my child in order to rekindle the relationship. Turned out she just wanted my full attention while we were broken up so that I wouldn't shut her out.

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife, but when she and I have to talk about financial matters it only makes things worse because she turns the whole thing into a personal issue and gives me the silent treatment and acts moody. Don't worry about having any more kids though, we aren't very affectionate anymore. I have heard that is typical in a marriage after a number of years together.

Did you see the summer 2007 show Big Brother? They guy that won would have killed the girl that poured bleach on his hidden boxes of cigarettes with out him knowing. My wife is reacts much the same when if comes to wine and cigarettes; she gets upset. I think that the luxurious costs of her drinking and smoking is unnecessary especially since I am paying for it on borrowed money every time she asks me to transfer money into our joint account, makes me pay for the groceries and gas for her car. I am trying to get OUT OF DEBT not SPEND MORE on money that I am borrowing.

All in all my wifeís spending habits are out of control and one of these days we (but, I hope not) will have to separate because I am going to say ether the smoking and drinking quit or is lessened to a minimum or I am going to have to ask her to fend for yourself. She will choose the drinking, smoking, and probably half the house we live in and try for custody of the kids over my nagging to ether get a job or quit making me spend money on the things that are eventually going to leave us BROKE !

Wow I am glad I vented here. Praying that things improve. Hard to talk to my wife about so hope people can give in their two cents here.

Irish

[Benjamin Fry]

In a strict sense you are enabling an addict. Therefore you need to look closely at what's going on for you that you continue to allow this to happen. You provide the money, therefore you sustain the problem. What's at stake for you if you stop, and why can't you do that yet? Solve this issue before you consider tackling your wifeís. Google "Al-Annon" for more resources.

Benjamin

[Deb]

Hi Irish,

I feel half exasperated and half sympathetic. Exasperated because going out to work and supporting your family is your job. If you didn't want to do that then you shouldn't have married and had kids. And surely a 16 month old child is better off with a parent who loves him or her than being stuck in a daycare all day long while the parent, who should know better, is off chasing money instead of doing what they should be doing and caring for their pre school aged child? Wouldn't you rather your wife had a car than inflict the cost and delays of unnecessary public transport travel on your family?

Addictions are a bit tricky. It's easy to say you are providing the money so enabling the addiction. I think that is simplistic, because, though you go out to earn your income, your wife, by staying at home, saves you things like daycare and after school costs, is there when your 11 year old comes home from school and possibly does things like cleaning the house, the supermarket shopping and cooking a meal each night. So she is putting in time for the family the same way you do when you go out and work 40 hours a week. Ask yourself this - who does the washing, the ironing, the supermarket shopping? Who cooks the meals? Who looks after the preschooler day in day out while you work? Who organises for the plumber, electrician etc to come around if need be? Who opens the door for the meter man when he or she comes? Who makes breakfast and washes up afterwards? Every single one of these activities takes time. Well, when people put time out for something, they want a reward. You take your reward as money. So does she. From where she is sitting, it's not "your" money - it's the family's money. She chooses to spend her share on alcohol and cigarettes. While personally I think her choices of addiction are a bit mad - smoking is a filthy, expensive habit and alcohol is a waste of money - the way you put it in your post makes it sound like you just want an unpaid skivvy, so that you can keep full control over whatever it is you earn and not give here anything at all out of the money.

It's depressing living with someone who is never satisfied, who is always nagging at you even though they have a decent job, two decent kids and a wife who is stupid enough to still stand by them. If you want things to improve why don't you just try being nicer to your wife instead of being so critical?

Don't get me wrong - alcohol and cigarettes are expensive habits. My husband has got a cigarette habit that costs around £40 a week. I've got a chocolate habit that comes in at around £20 a week. We can't really afford either. We're five figures in debt with no house to back us up. And I don't even have a credit card. Hence me saying I am half sympathetic. We've cut back a lot in the last few months and are now living within our means. But here's something I noticed - neither of us cut back on our addictions. You know why? Because they are something really pleasurable, that we both enjoy, even though we can't imagine taking on each other's habit. And that's in spite of their downsides - expense, a dirty habit, putting on weight etc. Different things have gone by the board - holidays, getting a second car, we've delayed buying a house.

My suggestion is to give her a fixed amount each week for her expenses - alcohol, cigarettes, petrol for her car. Whatever you estimate these things cost, and leave it at that. Once that money is gone, it's gone. She just has to wait until a few days later to get the next instalment, so to speak. She puts out for your family just like you do. She is personally entitled to some of the money that you are fortunate enough to be able to earn. So give it to her. A fixed amount a week, just for her. Let her get on with it. If she wants to smoke and drink herself to oblivion, that's her valhalla. Your best solution, for you and for her, is to stop criticising and nagging her and be nicer to her. But at least, by fixing the amount you give her, - and keep it separate from housekeeping money - you can live within your means. DON'T go and get a second job to finance all this. If you can only, after budgeting for everything else, give her £20 a week, then that's all there is. Just don't lie to her, i.e. by keeping £100 for you and only giving her £20.

[Chuckster]

Deb, I get the impression from your response that you yourself are a spendaholic. You are putting the cart before the horse by judging how he treats his wife.

What I read is that it's her disregard for the family security (regardless of whether she can control it or not) is the cause for his disappoinment with his wife.. His dissappointment has not caused her irresponsibility..

I can certainly relate to this gentlemans position as I posted about my wife also.. I have treated my wife like a queen since the day I met her in 1977.. We have been married for over 23 years now with 2 kids..

I posted all the details in this thread..

http://www.wwwyou.or...p?showtopic=791

Bottom line.. for the past 6 years or so she has be out of control.. I squeeze her and put her on a $1000/month CASH! in US Dollars budget this month on January 10th! She woke me this morning telling me she is out.

Tell me I am not supposed to be pissed off. Flip the scenario... Imagine I am the irresponsible head of the family.. What would she think of me? She'd have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way.

I love her DEARLY and tell her every day.. But the way she acts with OUR familys money makes me feel very distant from her. I look at her like a theif in our house...

A Spendaholic can destroy a relationship just as fast as an Alcoholic. My wife promises every time if I JUST give her a few $100 more she will be fine.. I cannot remember a SINGLE month in the past few years that she did not blow every cent and more...

[Irish]

Hey Irish here. Thank you for your perspectives from several different angles. My wife and I are competitive spenders. If I blow a 100 bucks on something my wife follows-up with another 100 dollar purchase; so I cannot spend money unless it is mortgage, gas, bills, and 'needed' groceries. Moral of the story is that we will go though our tax return and when it runs out I fear that I will have to foreclose on our house, unless my wife gets a job soon. This is the issue that is taxing on my stress level. As far as the alcohol and tobacco habits my wife endorses upsets me too (even though we had to cut back to reduce spending). The thing is that my wife knows what she wants and will end up screwing up our family budget. For a while there we were spending 20 buck A DAY on alcohol and cigarettes. Now we only spend that on weekends. This leads me to another conclusion which is we could cut our overhead costs (beyond food and gas) simply by eliminating bad habits. What is more important: feeding our addictions, or foreclosing on our house because we cannot pay the bills? My only hope is that our 1.5 year old will be two in July and my wife plans to take a full time job and we will put the baby boy in daycare. I know some people will be skeptical of day care and making the wife work, but that is the only way we can make it once our tax return money is sucked up to pay the bills that sustain our home. BTW I don't like paying cell phone bills even if they are handy to have in Emergencies and saving trips to the grocery store. Please feel free to add your comments on how to reduce debt. We are running a substantial, budget shortfall, minus the tax return; however let's hope that lasts until July when our youngest turns two. Please advise on how to cope. Thanks -Irish

[Irish]

Benjamin (or anyone else),

My wife is excessive compulsive. To get me to marry her she used to say things like "I am about to win a multi-million dollar lawsuit for an incident before we were married", "I have jewelry that is worth over twenty thousand dollars", or "I am pregnant". She said this stuff to get me thinking that if we were married all of these problems would go away and I don't know how many times she has said that she would quit smoking, "The only way you will get me to stop smoking is if I get pregnant and have a baby," which never happened after the baby was born. My wife is also a competitive spender. Even though I need to look good for work by buying a Nordstrom outfit every once and a while she seems to think that she should have the same treatment by getting expensive haircuts at exclusive hair salons and buying clothes she never wears. Her response is, "Well I cut your and the two boy's hair, so I deserve a haircut too every three months." Or. "This marriage is 50/50," so even though I make 97% of all the money she seems to think 50/50 is money spent that we don't have since we have maxed out my credit to the tune of about 30,000 dollars. Which means anything we buy is on borrowed money. The good news is that she is currently trying to cut WAY back on smoking or drinking. Last night she did not smoke or drink like she usually does. She says only on Thursday (as of now). I feel like I have to keep nagging her for the excessive compulsiveness she has in her. Bottom line is that I cannot get any more money/credit to support her luxurious habits and she will not start working until our son, who is one and half, turns two and she says she "will start working full-time" when the baby turns two. I will be amazed if that ever happens. She just says these things to keep me from hounding her about spending money. -Irish

[Irish]

My wife went out last night after I went to bed and came home boasting that she went out with a friend and this guy danced with her and was all over her. She woke me up and asked to me to smell the guy on her clothes. She was slurring her words. I am writing the morning after and will see how true her story is when she gets up. Why is she doing things that make me mad? Maybe I shouldn't give a damn; she is manipulating me to do something drastic.... is it time for divorce?

[Irish]

My wife and I are constantly arguing about money, as most couples do, however last night my wife woke me up in the middle of the night boosting that she had gone out with a mutual friend and wanted me to smell a man she was dancing with on her clothes. This has me upset.

Now I have been contemplating having a divorce for some time now, but have seen how it adversely affects the children in the family. I have one step son, age 11, and one son of my own who will turn two soon. I do not want them to feel the torment of a divorce.

Some of the other factors that I do not get along with my wife is that she keeps promising to get a job and put the youngest child in daycare. The problem is that she has been promising this for months and in effect I have nearly maxed out my all of my credit cards and lines of credit. I pay for everything minus the book keeping income my wife makes for one client and one child support check that comes in the mail.

I guess I am appalled at the fact that when ever she talks about getting a job she has already thought of how she is going to spend her earnings before considering that I am maxed out in debt and need this income to pay the bills and get out of debt.

I dated my wife for five years before I proposed four years ago. She was very sweet back then and people suggested the reason why is that she wanted someone to take care of her and her little boy instead of living alone after her first failed marriage. The same person that said this said we will be lucky if the marriage lasts five years. I should have listened.

I just cannot afford the ongoing debt and my wife is only buying more time when ever she says she is going to get a job. I keep telling myself if things don't improve financially in one month that I will take action. I have been doing this for countless months ever since we have been racking up much debt and this is the source of 85% of our disagreements.

Other facts I have heard about marriage:
1. Who you marry is the most important decision you can make in your life.
2. Never get married.
3. Wait as long as you can to get married.
4. If you get a divorce keep the kids; it's much easier.
5. People who have had divorces say it easy to get married but itís hell getting out.
6. Make do with what you have. I'm not sure what this means.
7. People who have had divorces say, "DON'T GET ONE."

I need your help !