[Chuckster]

Hello, I am at my wits end and decided to search for a forum to help.

I am in sales and make a decent living, typically we need about $5000/month to pay bills/mort/etc. If I earn more I can save it. My wife works a part time job earning about $500/month clear no taxes.

Over the past 5 years I have wiped out $80,000 in savings trying to pay bills, Took a 2nd mortgage to get rid of credit card debt she racked up and still have a $37,000 balance on that loan. The only thing I succeeded in doing was not allowing any more credit cards.
Before I wrote this as an example, I just looked at all the expenses that were NOT mine on our checking account for the month of May. She spent almost $3000!!! Not including her own pay!! There are like 2 or 3 transactions a day! This is a monthly occurance more or less..

Seems that the the more I make the more she blows through. I can't win. I have $12,000 one month and the next month it's gone.

She has secretly gotten a Master Card which is has about $1000 of unpaid debt. We get collection calls for it all the time.
Has a Victorias Secret Account overdue and getting calls on it.
Every single chcking account she has had by herself (in my attempt to get her under control) had ended in failure and massive OVERDRAFT charges. One account she racked up $700 in charges in 6 months.

One year I paid over $7000 in Overdraft on our joint checking account for the year.

the worst part about it is we have NOTHING to show for it.. She does it in dribs and drabs.. $30 here $60 there $100 here.. cash from from an ATM machine. All day long on the days she is not working. We fight over it constantly and she tries to justify every purchase by saying "We NEEDED it"

I love her dearly but I can't live like this. It's one thing when your bills are more than you make.. But I make plenty and live like I am on welfare. Please help... what can I do. Fighting does not help. She realizes she put us in debt but fails at EVERY attempt to fix it.

[Benjamin Fry]

Clearly your wife is an addict but the interesting question here is what part you play in her addiction and how that could change; and what that might bring up for you emotionally if it did change.

You should have a look at the resources for Debtors Anonymous. Also try to think about how your behaviour is "enabling" the addict. That may sound harsh, but it is an area that is well worth looking into to understand the subtle dynamics that can exist in these relationship. You could also look for resources on co-dependency for more information on enabling. Good luck.

[Chuckster]

benjaminfry, on Jan 18 2008, 01:21 PM, said:

Clearly your wife is an addict but the interesting question here is what part you play in her addiction and how that could change; and what that might bring up for you emotionally if it did change.

You should have a look at the resources for Debtors Anonymous. Also try to think about how your behaviour is "enabling" the addict. That may sound harsh, but it is an area that is well worth looking into to understand the subtle dynamics that can exist in these relationship. You could also look for resources on co-dependency for more information on enabling. Good luck.

Thank you for your response..

I agree that some part of me has a soft spot and caves in each time she apologizes and promises to do better.. I I have thrown thousands at her problem to get her "Back to Square one" Then it happens again.. Similar to an Alcoholic.

I don't fight with her anymore since I posted originally. I have since moved my direct deposit salary to an isolated account that she has no access to at all. While she tries to make me believe that I am "Squeezing" her by making her live on $1000/month I am not falling for it anymore. That is $12,000/year to go do whatever she wants. I take care of EVERY other expense..

In fact not sure if this is related.. She is currently on Adderall and Clonapin and sees a Dr. for anxiety. The Adderall originally prescribed for low energy is now being touted by the Dr for Adult ADD.. Either way she is addticted to both the Adderall and Clonipin. Each and every month she Overuses her meds and cries to the doc that it's not her fault.. that she had an unforseen crisis or things were rough and she used too much.. mostly its used up a week before she is due for a refill. She is unbearable without it and sometime he caves and gives her enough to get by.. She has gone online and gotten meds overseas.. sometimes I get letters from US Customs saying they intercepted an illegal package and are holding it. By ingoring it they toss it and let it go. She swears up and down she never ordered it.. of course I do not believe her..

So she overuses her meds and her money..

The last shot at getting her money under control is to give her cash.. in the past I put $1000 in her bank account once a month. Within 15 days it would be overdrafted.. by the end of day 30 she is negative $500 with most of it being overdraft charges.. The next time I put $1000 in wshe has $500 net.. and it does a death spiral...

I now figure giving her $1000 in cash keeps the overdraft charges away and is sort of like her having twice the money. I will know more how this works out on Jan 31st.

[pacotheus]

Chuckster, whatever happened to your situation?

[jackreed33]

Chuckster, on Jan 18 2008, 09:54 AM, said:

In fact not sure if this is related.. She is currently on Adderall and Clonapin and sees a Dr. for anxiety. The Adderall originally prescribed for low energy is now being touted by the Dr for Adult ADD.. Either way she is addticted to both the Adderall and Clonipin. Each and every month she Overuses her meds and cries to the doc that it's not her fault.. that she had an unforseen crisis or things were rough and she used too much.. mostly its used up a week before she is due for a refill. She is unbearable without it and sometime he caves and gives her enough to get by.. She has gone online and gotten meds overseas.. sometimes I get letters from US Customs saying they intercepted an illegal package and are holding it. By ingoring it they toss it and let it go. She swears up and down she never ordered it.. of course I do not believe her..

So she overuses her meds and her money..

Her spending habits are directly related to using Adderall and Clonipin. Both are addictions that she needs to get under control. The clonipin are clouding her judgment and allowing her to make rash decisions without really thinking them over and the adderall gives her the energy to run all over the place. The spending habit goes along with having too much energy and nothing to do. If she takes care of the drug problem that should also take care of the spending problem.

[FinVik]

we have all together reverse scenario. iam earning good (after a struggle of 6 years). i make a decent earnings. when i say decent i mean i cab afford a luxury car now. my mortages are absolutely going on time. she doesnt let me spend! she is a Miser.
dont know what to do

Vik