[jo1974]

Hi Benjamin

I am a therapist and I bought your book as I am always looking for new ways of backing up my existing skills and thought my clients may benefit from some of your ideas. Well that was a laugh! Your book is fantastic but now I feel like itís me that needs the therapy! I fear that I may have now opened up a can of worms for myself that I never even know existed!!

I feel very happy in life, quite stable and very fortunate and so felt that I was not really affected by any particular past traumas. Now I am not sure what I think. I have done time lines before as part of my training, however was never asked to do one of my whole life and in such great detail. Having done the first exercise in your book and completing a detailed time line, I realised how shocked I was by how it looked on paper!

The issue that I am really struggling with at the moment is my relationship. We have been together for 5 years and have two lovely little boys, aged 2 and 3. My partnerís past is a whole other show as they say! To cut a long story short his father died when he was 11 and he became involved in a relationship with a woman 10 years his senior when was just 17. They married and had 3 children (now teenagers and in their early 20ís). She later went on to have an affair and took the children and moved away making it really difficult for them to have contact. He has had very little contact with them over the years and really only has a relationship with one of them. Later on he met someone else who sadly died, and we met not too long after this (great timing). I suppose it isnít surprising that he carries a lot of anger with him and I seem to get the brunt of it!

I feel that I have never really done anything to deserve the treatment that I sometimes get. I suppose our relationship has always been difficult but I have stuck with it as I felt that it was worth it ñ now I am not so sure. There are a lot of issues and there isnít time to go into all of them, but the main problem for me is the fact that we are never able to discuss anything. I am never aggressive towards him but he will never engage in any discussion and becomes angry if I try to challenge that fact. He will revert back to teenaged behaviour and tell me to f*** off and sometimes even resorts to name calling.

One of my most recent concerns is the lack of respect with which he speaks to me and often in front of our small children. Sometimes if he is having difficulties with one of them I may begin to make a gentle suggestion as to what may help. This will result in me being told to ëshut my trapí or worse! He worked all his life and is highly skilled but two years ago decided to take time out after the birth of our second son and has not returned since. In the beginning he had the money to do it but obviously this is now having had a major impact on our finances and has forced me to take on more work, when I would rather be at home with my boys. He has an excellent relationship with the boys and is a real hands-on dad, but it is not what I signed up for. I have tried to discuss this with him but he is not interested in what I have to say and seems to feel that he owes me nothing. I am a mum, part time worker, part time student and hold all the financial juggling responsibilities ñ lucky I have endless amounts of energy! Whatís more he complains all the time and blames me for everything!

I have completely run out of ideas on how I can handle this situation as my partner just does not want to engage. Thing is, he is a fairly decent guy underneath and I can no longer tell whether these difficulties are due to his unresolved issues or my inability to deal with his behaviour.

You speak in your book about our conscious and unconscious mind. What I feel has happened to me is that my conscious mind says that I need to stay in the relationship to provide a ënuclear familyí and secure environment for my boys (yes that old one and as a therapist should know better!). However my unconscious mind is telling me very strongly that this is not working and I am beginning to become more and more detached.

If I could encourage my partner to find a new job then I feel this would at least be a positive new start for us. However our last discussion (if you could call it that) ended with him throwing a cup through the kitchen window. It is inevitable that because of his bad temper he gets away with too much. He knows that I donít want the children to witness any of these outbursts. Also he forgets the outbursts in a minute and returns to normal leaving me wounded!!

I am also not sure if I am projecting a lot onto him as when I was younger I was witness to my dadís bad temper. I am sure that if a client came to me with this situation it would be easier for me to decipher, however because itís me I canít tell.

Any ideas ?

Sorry as this is probably the longest post in the world! Any help will be appreciated.

J C

[jo1974]

Hi Benjamin

You did not have time to reply to my post previously but I am pleased to say that I was able to attend your seminar this Saturday, which I found to be really helpful. I just wanted to thank you and congratulate you for your very excellent seminar. I very much enjoyed your book but it was nice to have the live version. I felt that you delivered what could be a very serious subject in a sensitive yet humerous way. I also would like to thank you for the advice you gave me and I have taken on board all that you have said.

Looking back at my last post I said that I have stuck with this situation because I felt it was worth it. I now understand this differently and believe it is more that I have subconsciously entered this relationship in order to create a situation that enables the thawing out of my past trauma.

I feel that I am able to understand the projection side of things in a much better way and I am sure that this will really benefit me personally (and maybe even those who I work with). I have taken on board what you said about making a list of the conflict situations that I remember with my dad. However, things with my partner have gone from bad to worse - in one day, can you believe it? When I came to your seminar I took the car keys with me by accident, therefore he could not take the boys out as he only has a two seater. He was furious and left me two very abusive messages on my answerphone ( whilst I was at the seminar). I can understand him being a little anoyed, but they had not really planned to go anywhere. He has refused to speak to me since! I acknowledged that although I understood why he was upset, I could not understand why he was so angry that he could not even speak. This is the kind of reaction I would expect if I was found out to be having an affair! This is an example of the extreme behaviour I was talking about. Anyway, I have rambled on enough and think I must accept that there is little I can do as it takes two to tango! Perhaps you were right and I ought to speed up the process but it is difficult because of our two little boys.

I am considering seeking out further support in the form of therapy to help me through some of this. Hopefully this situation will not be as difficult for me as it may be for some. I agree with your theory on the subconsious and to an even greater level. I believe in spiritual law and that we create these situations even before we are born. I agree even more that these situations enable us to experience what we need, even if it does not seem to be what we want at the time. Hey Ho!

Thanks again for your support.

Jo