[Dave1977]

Hi Benjamin,

Firstly I would like to apologise as I havenít actually read your book yet but would really appreciate your advice as to how / where I can take my life. I must admit I am fascinated watching your work and the changes people get on Spendaholics.

Anyway, about me, I am a 30 year old guy who is single (never had a girlfriend) , and I flit between what I perceive as happiness or contentment to depression. I have several issues going on but feel overwealmed as to how to begin getting over this. Firstly my self esteem is rock bottom , put simply if you asked me for an honest answer I would say I didnít like myself as a person. Iím always told I am a lovely guy and can sometimes be the driving force in groups of getting an atmosphere going etc but deep down when it comes to it I have zero self confidence or self belief.

I was bullied at school as I have quite a large forehead and can be a bit clumsy and therefore school was hell. Also, my parents had an obscure relationship in so much as they always argued and I guess would be ënervy peopleí. I was the 3rd of 4 children and my parents totally doted on my sister 4 years younger than me. I always felt like they would give me a hard time and would get told off for no reason. Subsequently they have now been divorced (about 2 years ago) yet surreally I feel I have to almost have their acceptance in everything I do (Particulary my Dad). Yet my Dad was a bad father and never did the usual Dad ëthingsí.

Moving to the present day , I have accumulated £23K of debt with nothing to show for it and it depresses me that there seems no way out from it. I have CCJs against me so cant look to balance transfer etc but equally I work in Insurance so the bankruptcy route would put paid to my career. My spending literally is on books, CDS, DVDs. I also have spent fortunes in lapdancing clubs , often going there on my own.

Another problem I have is that my diet is terrible , I eat microwave meals daily !. Im not sure if its connected but I have had numerous trips to the Doctors for blood tests etc and scans to be told I only have IBS. However for the last 3 years I seem to have become a total hypochondriac and any illness however minor I have obsessed into a life threatening one. I just donít know how to stop it.

The only good thing on the horizon is that I may potentially be offered a job on more money however I am sick and tired of the same me and the way my behaviour makes me feel. I just cant understand it and I guess it sounds weak but I donít know how to change or whether I can change. There is a girl I work with who I like a lot but wouldnít dare say anything as I would assume she would say Im a nice guy but never bf material.

Overall it seems I have a subconscious voice that wants me to remain as I am.

Sorry for my rant but any guidance would be appreciated. I will buy the book in due course but at the moment my money is so tight I have to be careful.

Thanks
Dave

[Benjamin Fry]

Dave1977, on May 8 2007, 01:26 PM, said:

Overall it seems I have a subconscious voice that wants me to remain as I am.

Sorry for my rant but any guidance would be appreciated. I will buy the book in due course but at the moment my money is so tight I have to be careful.

Can you see the connection between these two statements? You really do need some help, but the only way that you are going to get it is by getting it.

I'd recommend that you start by researching the 12-step group SLAA and seeing is there is a meeting that you could attend. This would be a great way for you to start to explore your issues. You will need other people to help you through this and to reflect back to you that you are not a bad person. These are the people that can help you to open up to your pain. If you can't find a suitable group like this then you might consider talking to a professional. You should be able to make a considerable improvement in your quality of life if you are able to bear the short-term discomfort of exploring your past and your feelings about it.