[Dawn]

Dear Benjamin,
I read your book for the first time a couple of weeks ago and am now re-reading it as I could identify so much of what is wrong with me with what you say. I'll apologise before going any further as this is going to ramble on, I was even really anxious about doing this but here I am.
My parents had a baby on 27th January, 1953, she died of TB meningitis on 18th December, 1954, my mum was beside herself with grief and decided she had to have another baby to carry on, so on 29th December, 1955 I was born.
I never realised that the difficult way I lived my life was due to anything other than me until I became depressed about 12 years ago and since then through self help, psychologists, counsellors and myself I've arrived at the core problem which is set out above.
That baby was never discussed with me as a child. There was one photograph of her next to my parents bed that I can remember looking at but not understanding who it was if it wasn't me. My mum has since told me that she once tried to talk to me as a child but I got very upset about the dying part so she didn't mention it again. I never associated this baby as being my sister.
I can remember going to the cemetary as a child, the smell of the wallflowers, the metal watering can hanging on the chapel wall, the sound of the paper cleaning the headstone down. I think I was told off for running up and down the graves and so had to walk along the very edges. This was with my dad, my mum didn't go with us at that time. She was never talked about. When I asked about the grave I was told there were three spaces in there, the baby, mum and dads, and I can remember thinking where was I going to go.
In recent years, having realised what the problem stemmed from I found out some more information initially by researching the births deaths and marriages as I couldn't bring myself to ask my mum and dad. I then gave them a little questionnaire about the events and their feelings saying it was part of a course I was doing, that was partly true, but of course I also wanted the information. Their grief is as raw as it ever was they are devastated and the emotion unleashed is scary. Even my dad cried and he said that after the funeral which was just before Christmas he had to go to the butchers to "get something to eat", the butcher burst into tears as he was used to seeing my dad with my sister, its just too heartbreaking to contemplate. My dad said that after I and my brother was born he avoided cuddling us in case he made us ill. He'd had TB before the baby was born but had recovered but I suppose he must harbour a thought that it could have had something to do with him. My mum was so distressed she had some sort of coughing up blood episode and the doctor forbade her to go to the funeral so my dad went alone. Mum has said she cried all through her pregnancy with me and I can only imagine the anxiety that surrounded me as a baby at least until I had passed the age at which my sister died.
I can call her my sister now, but it still feels a lost entity. My behaviour as a person is one of trying to justify my existence by working as hard as possible and being very down on myself if I can't do this. I try to be as good as possible, otherwise I don't deserve my life. Whatever I do is never enough but only in my eyes, theres no pressure from anyone else, I suppose I get my kicks from people telling me I do too much and then feel a failure if I can't do what I think I should be doing. My feelings are that I should be able to take all that grief away from my mum and dad, but I can't because they won't let me, and as they get older I feel they are going closer to what they want, to be with my sister and I'm losing them. They are the sweetest people, mum has severe rhumatoid arthritis which I believe was brought on by the shock of the death, and my dad looks after her, and I recently found out that he secretly drinks in the evening, vodka so mum doesn't know "to cope with things". They have never or would ever hurt anyone, they are gentle people and I love them to bits but often feel they don't know that although they say they do.
I'm 51 with two wonderful daughters, a partner, a failed marriage before that and I work as a District Nurse,and I'm very good at Palliative care, is that a coincidence?! I have tried to air all this only a couple of times and then back off. I was once lulled into a false sense of security on a palliative care course and used my parents feelings and my sister as a subject to write about, my heart and soul were in there and the lecturer ignored all the feelings and criticised it for the content not being what was required, I was absolutely devastated by this.
Over the past few years I have been taking Prozac on and off to cope with the depression, currently on but I presume I can't get to the bottom of this whilst taking Prozac.
How can I identify the exact causes, I know in a roundabout way but I need them spelling out and how they relate to the effect which is me and how I deal with all that. How can I understand emotions for which I had no words to describe them as that baby or even the embryo in utero
I just don't know what to do with it. Your book has given me hope that I can do something but where do I go from here?
Thank you so much for reading this,
xx

[Benjamin Fry]

Death, depression and grief can affect small children a great deal because they think that the world is because of them, not separate to them. Your parentsí feelings would have become your own but you would never have understood them with words. And they would have been interpreted as your fault. It is interesting that you now help the dying. I would suggest that you are processing your own unconscious guilt about the death, even though of course it wasnít your fault. Such is the human (an particularly the infantís) mind.

You might want to talk this through with a psychotherapist. It takes time and trust to access these kind of early pre-verbal memories and itís not easy to do alone.

[Dawn]

Thanks for your reply, Benjamin, it has given me more food for thought!! I have posted some follow up ideas after finishing the book for the second time under the title Quick, while I have the thought, so will be interested to see any insights you may have on these as well.
I certainly think the unconscious guilt idea helps to explain a lot and I will be using this to try and get a better understanding of what is going on with me.
I have seen two pyschologists and have made quite a lot of headway but feel I have further to go, I have been discharged from the nhs ones as they both went on maternity leave!! So not sure what sort of person I should be looking for to help, do people specialise in the pre-verbal as I would like to get straight to the core if at all possible!!
Thanks once again,
you have been very helpful

[Dawn]

I've been thinking overnight and I was wondering if you could give me a few ideas about how I might be processing the unconscious guilt. How would I be exhibiting this in what I do and who I am? I'm positive you are right and this is going on but I think this is the crux of the matter in that I can't relate the processing to what I do so don't understand what I do! Also, how do I move it on as I seem to be repeating the behaviour over and over again, probably less than I did but its taking years, will it always carry on like this just getting better by small degrees or will it all suddenly fall into place? Sorry, you probably can't answer some of this as its to do with my psyche and should be my insight if only I could get a hold of it!!
Thanks once again,

[Benjamin Fry]

You are exhibiting the unconscious guilt in your choice of profesion and particularly linking the source of the guilt (death) with your speciality (caring for the dying). Proper psychotherapy should be able to help you alot. There is no way to predict how quickly or effectively it will work. The more often you do it and the more psychodynamically orientated your therapist is the better it probably will be. However the most important thing is that you feel that you have a good relationship with your practitioner.

[Dawn]

benjaminfry, on May 23 2007, 10:41 AM, said:

You are exhibiting the unconscious guilt in your choice of profesion and particularly linking the source of the guilt (death) with your speciality (caring for the dying). Proper psychotherapy should be able to help you alot. There is no way to predict how quickly or effectively it will work. The more often you do it and the more psychodynamically orientated your therapist is the better it probably will be. However the most important thing is that you feel that you have a good relationship with your practitioner.

Hi Benjamin,
Again thanks for the reply. I've been thinking a lot about what you have said. Through experience, I know it is difficult to find a therapist to trust. I feel I have found a good degree of understanding in both your book and this forum.
Do you think you would be able to guide me through this if I had a private consultation with you> Is this the sort of thing you think your particular methods might be able to help with?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best Wishes
Dawn

[Benjamin Fry]

We could certainly try. However I think perhpas something more regular would be more useful. I'd be happy to see you though if that is what you would like (book on my website). Or I can recommend someone for more regular sessions.

[Dawn]

benjaminfry, on Aug 28 2007, 04:51 PM, said:

We could certainly try. However I think perhpas something more regular would be more useful. I'd be happy to see you though if that is what you would like (book on my website). Or I can recommend someone for more regular sessions.

I've been having a bit of a ponder about this and would be interested if you could recommend someone for more regular sessions.
Thanks for your help

[Benjamin Fry]

email me at benjamin@smartpsyche.com and I will.