[elsie]

Benjamin

Having been interested in the work that you did for Spendaholics I looked for more information on the web and came across the book. I initially bought it about 10 months ago, and started reading it just before my father died.

My initial interest was based upon the fact that my boyfriend's circumstances seemed very similar to (yet different from) yours and I had hoped to gain an improved insight to the depression and trauma he would have been dealing with over a long period of time.

However, as I read on I found that the book relates just as well to anyone. I have never doubted the care I received as a child, but am also aware that I too am dealing with old issues on a daily basis. My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease when I was 8 years old - an age where you understand the words that people use, but not necessarily the implications.

In retrospect I can see that on a practical level I detached from my father at this point, not being able to trust that he would be around - having been told that he was ill - and as a result missed out on some amazing opportunities to get to know him as an individual and forging a pattern of independent behaviour that is both a blessing and a curse!

I now find myself in a relationship with a mostly wonderful man who is even more unwilling than I am to be vulnerable, a trait that manifests in seemingly uncaring behaviour that is terribly difficult to excuse to the outside world, but that I continue to trust in, to the exasperation of my friends and family.

His background is desperately sad in terms of growing up with an alcoholic mother and finding himself on the receiving end of some dreadful incidents, along with a day to day lack of care that has created another seemingly independent and resilient individual. The key difference between us is that I am now in a position where I am ready to face the past and get to grips with my traumas whilst he is not there yet.

Currently he is experiencing a severe bout of depression and we have not seen each other for three months. I am torn between asking for answers about the state of our relationship and giving him the space he needs to work through his "stuff". I love him but am aware of the need to set boundaries in terms of what I want for myself.

I have just finished reading your book and have to admit the support and understanding that came through was fabulous. I have bought a copy for my boyfriend and sent it to him, in the hope that it will help him separate from the embarassment he feels about being an outwardly alpha male yet having the mental equivalent of the M25 for thought processes. He is also struggling with his finances which only serve to offer another blow to an already fragile ego.

I'm not sure on one reading alone that I have any more answers than ever before, but at least I have a framework now for the questions!

As I am sure you can see, as I do, the two of us do seem somewhat tied up in this together and that brings me to the most valuable point (for me) in the book, that our subconscious mind helps us to seek out the people that will help us resolve things.

I remain hopeful that this will indeed be the case for us.

Thank you again for your book -

[Benjamin Fry]

You are welcome. Thank you for your feedback. You seem to have taken on the main points very successfully.