[fluffy]

To cut a long story short i am 30 grand in debt, much of which was etched up in my early twenties when my confidence was low. Now i am 29, have a 6 month old baby and a loving husband, i couldn't be happier and am mainly battling with old debts and trying to raise my family.

I could so with some advice about how to tackle the heart of the problem. For years i had crippling low self confidence. I'd say until the age of 23 i lived like a mouse, had a low achieving job, no boyfriends etc as i thought i was unworthy. All of this has changed, i have a wonderful career, a fantastic husband and a lovely new baby. All of this makes me really happy and i don'[t spend to cheer myself up like i did in the old days. BUT, i do something and would like to break the mould but don't know how. My wages have dropped by 10k since returning to work and i live a frugal but happy life. However, i still seem to spend far too much money on my Mum.

Each time i vist her - about once a month - i spend between 100 and 200 pounds on her, money i just can't afford. I do it because i feel sorry for her, she has no income and on a very low wage. She is also depressed and when i visit even though she appreciates my company i feel like she sees me as a bit of a meal ticket. The same pattern has occurred with my brother and sister. One is bakrupt and the other on the way. I would follow if i weren't generating extra income to keep debtors at bay. The thing is, Mum has brought us up since we were 2 and 4 years old and has devoted herself to us. . Now we all feel burdened by our mum giving up her life for us. So now even though i am broke, i still buy her things i really can't afford.

i feel that she is at the heart of my previous spending problems - i am equally to blame for being greedy and wanting things i couldn't afford, but mainly i bought in the past because i felt ugly and wanted to pretty myself up. She has had self confidence problems and still does and i regularly remember her saying that she was ugly when we were children. She has never told any of us that we are beautiful and i also resent her for this as i feel like we have all poor self confidence. I have thought about telling her this but know she would not understand and cause an enormous argument. She has very blinkered thought patterns and would think i was telling her that she was a bad parent to us all.

I think i'm just asking for an objective response and any suggestions on what to do - i still spend money on her, birthdays and christmas are the worst. Money seems an important commodity to her whereas time with her does not. I'd like to stop spending money i don't have and could do with some constructive advice on doing this.

[GillyC]

Hi Fluffy.....I too was in a similar amount of debt, ( trying to buy myself a better image and lifestyle to give me some self esteem after being ill and having go give up work) .I had been helping at the CAB so couldn't ask them for help, but I then discovered the Counsumer Credit Counselling Service who have helped me deal wth my creditors and formulate a good spending plan that puts my own needs first and those I owe money to have what's left.
I also found Debtors Anonymous online and have that as a regular group to visit online every day,as well as now having a face to face meeting once a week.
This has totally changed my life. It's not easy,but after 3 years my debt is now reduced by almost half and I'm looking forward to being solvent once more .
Hope that helps - there is always help out there.
G