[zoe]

Hi,

I'm only 17 and have had a job since August last year, I think I would be telling the truth is I was to say my wage is quite good for my age, earning close to £7 an hour, 20 hours a week. I'm also in full time education, this is why I only work 20 hours a week.

My problem is my spending is already quite uncontrollable, I can easily spend my months wages in a week which leaves me having to borrow money from family and friends. And the things I spend my money on are completely unecessary... clothes, shoes and bags. But mainly things for other people, such as whatever they say they want, they aren't 'toxic friends' though, I just feel the need to buy them things as I think they will like me more as a person if I do, but to be honest I think it pushes them away and makes them think I'm a little odd if anything, this doesn't seem to stop me though!

I really need to save money for various reasons, university and a car being two of the things. I've tried to have a standing order to go out into a savings account on my pay day but I just transfer the money and still spend it. I really don't know what to do to save money and stop myself from spending.

I'm worried that if I'm this bad with £500 a month, what am I going to be like when I get my grants and loans for university, and especially my dads inheritance that I get when I turn 18 which I want to do something useful with and certainly not spend it on designer bags, clothes shoes and stupid things I don't exactly need.

If I don't change my ways, come next year people will be encouraging me to apply for spendaholics!
So basically, What do you think I should do!?

Thanks in advance, spendaholics is a really good programme.
With regards

Zoe
x

[skyblue22]

Hi Zoe,

Well done for recognising you have a problem, that's the first step...

Best thing would be to work out a budget and stick to it strictly. Get help from the CAB. Stop buying things for people: they don't like it and you can't afford it. Sell anything you've bought that you don't NEED, and put the money in a savings account you don't have access to.
Tell your parents you've got a problem and need their help and support to sort it out.

Try and look back and remember when you first thought you could buy people's love; think about your parents' relationship when you were a child, and your other relationships then and now...talk to a counsellor if you need to.
HTH

[Benjamin Fry]

The great thing is that you are recognising this problem early and asking for help. That will avoid you having to dig yourself out of a bigger hole later in life. Well done.

The issue you identify is that you seem to be attracted to obsessive giving to other people. As you have noticed this makes them somewhat uncomfortable however nice the gift, therefore you have to look at this behaviour as something that you do for yourself. It suggests issues of guilt (which would be deeply unconscious and therefore you might not notice) and these gifts could be your reparations.

Guilt is often internalised in the early months and years of our lives without us having any awareness of it. Children tend to think of the world as revolving around them and therefore if anything goes wrong they often think that it is their fault. Perhaps you should think about the events in your early childhood, and the personalities that you were around, to see if there is anything there that you might have mistakenly taken responsibility for. If so, try to talk about that with someone relevant and to see if you can get a different perspective on it.

On a practical note, it would be worth considering approaching an adult that you trust and that you feel has your best interests in heart to hold onto your inheritance for you "in trust", which means that they have to agree that it is a good idea before you spend any of it. You could sign it over to them year by year, or until you were 21 or 30, or whatever feels safe. It could help you protect your inheritance for later in life when you might really need and value it, and might feel more capable of handling it. Your family solicitor may need to help you, or you can just set up a trustee bank account.

Let me know how you get on.

[zoe]

Aww thankyou for the reply!

What you said about events in my early childhood, really I can think of a few events, my dad died when i was 2, my mum moved me to portugal when i was 5, my mum was beaten up when i was 6 by a boyfriend she had then, again at the age of 13 my mum was almost killed by my brother and sisters dad, and then we moved back to england 4 years ago. So maybe your right!? Theres enough to go off but I dont know how they're my fault..

My grandma now holds my inheritance, which she wont let me have until she thinks I should.

I'm not doing too badly with my spending this month.. I did buy an ipod but not that much other than that.

Thanks again
x

[Benjamin Fry]

I wouldn't look much past the first few years of your life for the clues here. You and probably your family lost a lot while you were very young. Young children have an unfortunate tendency to internalise (unconsciously) responsibility for exactly this kind of upheaval. You may have done that, and now try to compensate by attempting to make others happy. But it is very hard to know since you probably have no memory of these events. It is the kind of idea that you could explore gently with some supportive counseling.

I'd like to be quite clear that nothing is your fault. It is just that very young children often misinterpret their reality.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to talk to someone about these events in your life? It could help you to get more comfortable with your relationship with money and in general set you up to be more in control of your future.