[warmlady]

Because of inadequate parents, I was in and out of care from the age of a few months. Records I have obtained have shown many many moves up to the age of five and then I went to a long term foster home.

However, this was the 1950's and my foster parents were not monitored. Iwas abused by them verball, physically and eventually, sexually.

I was abused verbally by being called a guttersnipe and compared to animals. My real parents were also verbally abused by the foster parents.

I was locked in a room at night and very often for long periods during the dayu. The longest I was locked in the room was for a week one summer holidays. The home was a remote farmhouse so they could do these sorts of things undetected.

My emotional trauma was immense, and I made friends with the animals on the farm and got some comfort from the beautiful surroundings in the countryside. The worst event was when one pet lamp which was unable to walk very well and had been bottle fed by me, became very ill with a maggot infestation. My foster mother got a farm worker to kill him with a brick. I have never got over that.

I could write for pages about my life, but I guess all will have a general idea now.

I am an intelligent, seemingly articulate person with a high IQ. However, I have never achieved all I wished I had and am full of anger and a longing for a family I never had. How do others cope without any blood relations at all and the ache I have for a family circle. I was unable to have children myself and did not want to foster or adopt. I sometimes physically ache for a family I can't have and feel angry at the abuse I suffered at the hands of people who abused their power over me.
I feel that I am a haunted person, and yet I am a self employed shorthand tutor. I am planning some personal development to take a TEFL cert. to teach English abroad, but I so often lose courage at the last minute and worry that I will gain the cert. and not have the guts to take up work abroad, despite the very strong support of my husband.

[Delh2]

What a terrible childhood. See your doctor for regular counseling appointments for awhile. Perhaps you could also join a group therapy session with people with your same traumas. Talking about this with others seems to help ease some of the pain, I understand.

My best to you.