[Indenial]

I began writing this purely for my own purposes, i.e. to write down my thoughts and reflect back on them, hoping it would help see things differently. Itís amazing how much I wrote when I got started and this in itself may help me, I hope itís not too long to post here.

Iíve read a few (not all) of the posts on this site and many seem to reflect my wifeís position, so I though Iíd post what Iíve written to see what comments you may have.

The shocking part first ñ I found out recently she has credit card and loan debts of just over £67,000! Yes £67k. I was almost physically sick when I found out. She has an obsession ñ her appearance, especially clothes, but shoes and hair especially. As well as being a full-time school teacher (now assistant head), she also teaches fitness and aerobics and is probably the fittest woman I know. She regularly runs and cycles and is Karate green belt, working her way through the grades.

I feel partly to blame for a number of reasons which will probably become clear as I continue, but the immediate reason Iím kicking myself is because the warning signs were there previously. She has run up debts a few times before and I have helped her to clear these. This latest revelation though has really knocked me for six. Her income is no longer enough to cover her cc and loan payments and leave her enough for much else. Luckily I pay the mortgage, insurance (life and home) Council Tax and virtually every other household bill. I also save for holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc.

We have been married for ten years, but were together for 9 years before that. We have two boys under ten years old who we absolutely adore. Both my wife and I are doing well in our chosen careers and are earning good money. We are both well educated - my wife has a degree, I donít but have a number of academic and professional qualifications that would probably amount to as much. We elected very early on when we began living together that we would keep our own bank accounts, but contribute proportionally to our incomes to finance the family. This was important to my wife then as she wanted to maintain a degree of independence in her financial affairs. Perhaps on reflection this was a mistake, but I guess my point here for anyone else reading this is that this kind of problem can hit you no matter how smart you are if there are underlying emotional or psychological problems.

Itís at this point that I can imagine many readers nodding their heads in recognition of what I suppose are classic potential roots of the issue. Iím no expert, but I have had some training and exposure to such things as part of my job and I do tend to analyse people to the extent that I am able.

My wifeís father left her mum and her when she was 7 years old. She is an only child. Her mum had suffered numerous miscarriages before conceiving her and spent weeks in hospital leading up to her birth because of this history. Her mum was bitter about this for a number of years and my wife was very exposed to this bitterness, although her mum loved her dearly, doted on her and even depended on her as she grew up for emotional support. Although she saw him from time to time as she got older sheís never really been close to her dad. They clearly love each other a lot and I can tell she would dote on him if she would allow herself, they go for months without talking, nit because they fallen out, but because neither will take the step of calling the other, each believing the other should do so.

Her mum remarried and my wife tells me how scared she was of her step-father. He never hurt her physically, but his demeanour towards herself and her mum through those years she describes dominating and patronising. I have to say I did see this for myself when we started dating and for a number of years after.
My wifeís debt problems started when she was at University, like many students she lived off student loans and credit cards, although she cleared these within a couple of years of starting work. I feel though that the seed may have been planted then as it seemed such an acceptable way to live. We bought our first house 16 years ago and have moved twice since. The house we live in now is our dream house, we moved in almost 4 years ago. My mother-in-law was very proud of us and used to frequently pop in while we were working or on holiday and tidy up, frequently we found sheíd left us supplies like milk an bread etc and fresh flowers in the house when we came home from holiday. My wife was extremely close to her and they would regularly go shopping together, usually with the kids.

3 years ago my mother-in-law tragically died from a burst brain aneurism aged 56, the anniversary was the recent August Bank Holiday weekend. She was taken ill suddenly, although was in hospital for two weeks while doctors tried all they could to save her. That fortnight was extremely traumatic for all of us, my wife of course especially so. Although sheís got through it, I donít think my wife has come to terms with her mumís death. Sheís always wanted to deal with it in her own way without expert help, but I see the suffering in her almost daily. She has always been a complex person, but this has really exacerbated the situation.

I suppose there are some classics here. To talk about just a few I see the relationship with her father as one trigger ñ I often feel like she sees me as more of a father figure than a husband. Her relationship with her mum was a huge part of her life and there is a void that she canít fill. A big concern for her is that her mumís sister also died of a burst brain aneurism and she often remarks that it could happen to her at any time, possibly fuelling her reckless spending habit and a ìlive for today, there may be no tomorrowî feeling.

She most definitely suffers from a lack of self esteem, Iíve lost count of the times sheís bought clothes and tried them on again at home, not liked them and returned them, or had her hair colour changed, lived with it for a day and had it changed again, all at great expense. In her day job, teaching, and her work at the Health & Fitness Club her appearance is very important to her and she will never be satisfied with the way she looks.

This is almost crippling for us, although itís not the end of the world financially as I can see a way to control the debt and live fairly well albeit carefully for the next 10 years. This will only work if she can keep her spending under control and not spend more than we earn.

The concern I have is that even if we take the necessary steps (basically consolidating her multiple credit and store cards into one) she will fall into the same habit again unless the root causes of the problem are understood and accepted and a commitment made by her to change. I think we have a very long way to go, the problem is I canít get her to understand and agree that she needs help and right now I do too. I truly see this as our problem and not just hers. I married her because I loved her and respected her and I still do. I know I bug her with my analysis of her and our situation no matter how tender and sensitive I try to be. One thing I recognise is that Iím too close to her emotionally to fix everything. We need help.

I have tried and tried and she just wonít talk to anyone else about it.

My question to anyone who may have a comment is ñ how do I get her to accept we need help and to see a professional, either together or on her own?

[sunshinegirl]

Your wife is very lucky to have your support and love, many couples end up divorced because they can't communicate about the problem. Feeling shame about the situation is the big stumbling block for most people. I would advise you to ask her permission to cut up her credit cards while making a budget for her so she doesnt feel completely deflated or as if she is being punished in any way. She is a busy lady, goodness knows how she found time to run up that amount of debt, I'm sure with your kindness and guidance without taking away all of her feeling of being in control, then you will both find your way out of this worry. All the best.

[GillyC]

Hi ................I can certainly relate to your wife's situation..............The following is just a quick snapshot to save time, but my background is very similer in that I had a father who left me when I was young and I aquired a very controlling step father. I have spent the last 12 years estranged from my family as I couldn't handle their abuse and manipulation...my own father died about 5 years ago and I really miss him.
I sufferred from depression as well as other illnesses and when I gave up full time work I paid off all my c/c debts and vowed I'd never use them again!
Eventually I ran up 30,000 in credit card debts trying to boost my self esteem esp.after having to give up work completely through ill health . My husband pays most of the household bills as I am on benefits, but I still managed to have credit cards in my own name.

I too used to buy and buy only to then return everything, or sell it on in order to find the money for my credit card payments. I was frightened of telling my husband even though we have now been marrried for almost 28 years....I knew I was sick but couldn't bear to deal with it

I eventually got so desperate that I knew I needed help.I had already worked as a volunteer as the CAB so couldn't ask them ,but instead asked for help with the CCCS( Consumer Credit Counselling Service). I also heard a celebrity talking on TV about Debtors Anonymous.
I searched and found the online group of Debtors Anonymous ....and joined that to get online support , and I now also have a weekly meeting to attend where I can share stuff with other like minded people and begin to recover from this addiction.
I have now paid off almost half of my debts and have about 4 more years to go....but I know I'm on the road to recovery and my cards are all cut up and I use my money far more wisely . I am dealing with the roots of my problems and know that I can never have c/cards ever agin!

I hope this may be of help to your wife..............I do hope so!

Regards,
G