[stargate17]

i'm 26 and am with a man of 59 who is a great bloke don't get me wrong but i'm at the stage in my life now where i want to settle gown and have a family of my own.
I have fertility problems which are being investigated by a specialist but even if everything is ok my partner can't have children as he had the snip 15 yrs ago and can't have it reversed as he had a stroke 6 years ago and is prone to blood clots so it would be too risky.
i got married at 19 out of rebellion ans then divorced at 21 and haven't worked since that time due to anxiety attacks and depression.
Everyone tries ro assure me that i will have the family i long for so much but i think that i'm going to grow old alone and it scares me to think i will have no-one around.
I am thining of ending my life now to save the pain of it all but what if in the future i do meet someone else and have a family ? so i don't know whether to carry on and see if i do have the life i want or do i go with my gut instinct of thinking i will be alone and end it all?
I hate feeling like this normally i'm bubbly and love a laugh but i wish i could just look into the future to see what mine is going to turn out like.
i do love my partner but he doesn't want anymore kids he's had 3 and is now enjoying his granchildren who i adore as well but everytime i look at them i just think i'm never going to have that joy of bringing a child into the world so what has been my purpose in life?
I know i'm lucky to have my parents still and my partner but they are not going to be around forever and by the time anything happens to my partner i will be too old to have children of my own.
I'm so good at helping other people with their problems but who can i turn to when i have them?
If i say anything to my partner he thinks i'm over reacting and if i explain to him about wanting a child he doesn't listen.
I am unhappy and i'm overweight and smoke which doesn't help the fertility side of things so i know i'm the only one who can change that.
I have no friends and because of my partner's illness we don't go out anywhere.
We're living between two houses mine and his flat but spend more time at his so nothing gets done at mine and no-one comes round.
I just don't know what to do anymore i keep diaries of how i'm feeling and what i'm going to do to improve my life but i have no will power to carry it out.
I am scared of dying i will admit but i'm also miserable and could quite happily go now which i hate the thought of but i don't want to live alone.
I don't want to be one of these people that dies alone and goes un found it's sad.
if only someone could say you'll be ok and you'll have want to wish for but they can't no-one can.
If anyone has any advice please i'm desparate here thanks.

[Biscuits]

This is a really difficult situation as there appears to be a lot of layers to the confusion and hopelessness you are feeling, so I sympathise enormously. Where to start? A couple of main issues that jumped out at me were:
a) your desire to be a mother and have a full family life,
the loneliness that you were experiencing,
c) low self-esteem issues and
d) believing that things can't get better or change although it is clearly what you want.

Regarding the differences between what you and your partner wants, I presume you've had a discussion with him and communicated fully about your needs and hopes for the future; I wondered if you had contemplated, considered and discussed other options such as adopting or fostering. There are so many children that need the love and support of good parents. Would this be something you could both consider. It may be that your partner is being realistic about his health or age, but you've said that he loves being a grandparent so perhaps fostering or adopting an older child would be more suitable than raising a baby between you.

Otherwise you need to reflect on the other options and realities. It depends on what you really want. If having your own family is that important to you and your partner doesn't want a second family then you need to think about your future together. I was fairly open-minded on the matter when I met my partner, I didn't rule it in or out, but he was certain he didn't want children. What do I do instead? Luckily I have a lot of friends with kids and a number of nephews and neices and so get a lot of contact with children. But also have a good network of friends, and in truth I'm quite happy with the decision that has been made. I get to travel a lot and a full 8 hours of sleep a night (when I want it). Am I missing out on something - probably, but there are some compensations.

What struck me particularly is your loneliness and I wondered if you had considered looking through your address book and seeing if there are any past friendships that you could bring back to life. Talking to a friend might go some of the way to finding solutions to what you have described, or making new friends - I met a good friend through Greenpeace; have you considered joining a class or pressure group? It's really worth a try.

Otherwise, on a more practical level, when things get out of control on the homefront, i write down all the things I need to do and then organise them in order of priority, then produce a schedule on a large pad of paper that hangs in the kitchen. I then set realitic targets and try to manage as much as I can. There are some things that I can do but haven't got the time and so I pay someone else to do it instead (grass mowing, DIY), it can be quite cheap as there are a lot of very handy people out there that won't charge a fortune. On a day to day basis I set myself mini tasks (Monday bathroom cleaning etc) and that way things get the once over every week. There are some really good time management books out there.

Lastly, I would recommend the book relating to the recent series 'Making Slough Happy'. Just tiny little things can make you feel happy on a day to day basis - planting a few flowers in a pot, helping an elderly neighbour, a good read (oh yes, join a book group and meet up with others to discuss a novel once a month). Good luck Stargate. I hope you get the life you want.

Biscuits