[Benjamin Fry]

To be honest it just sounds to me like youíve had a baby and now you are growing up a bit yourself.

Becoming a parent can bring an urgency to our own development and it may be that the impetus of needing to be the best person you can be for your sonís sake is making you stand up for yourself in other areas.

It seems though that the problems start with your fiancÈís son. Bear in mind that the kid is only fourteen, which is an age at which being a bit difficult is quite forgivable. Also this is a child from a broken home and now has to deal with the fact that his father now has a new son and will marry another woman ñ and therefore has a new family. This are difficult times for him and at a difficult age.

I think that you might want to look at why you want to leave whenever there is a problem with his son and what it is about ìthe pastî that worries you. Perhaps it reminds you unconsciously that your man has had a child before and not formed a family with the mother of that child? Are you worried about the same happening to you? Would it be easier to leave him or drive him away rather than to take the risk of him leaving you?

Clearly, if these are the kind of things that are on your mind, you must disentangle them from the presence of his older son. After all its not the kidís fault that his parents are not together. Perhaps you can begin to see this boy as a trigger of the feelings that you are storing up inside yourself, rather than the start and finish of the problem itself. Then you will have the double opportunity of beginning to have a deeper relationships with yourself, and a better one with your financeís son.

Invite who you want to your wedding but bear in mind that it will live with you forever. People remember these kinds of things and you might be angry now with your aunt, but later on if you mellow you will not have a chance to make up for not having her at your wedding.

Make it clear to your fiancÈ that you value your future together and that your wedding is not just a pawn in the game with your mother. You also need to make him understand the difference between being a strong woman and having a mental illness. You donít sound like you have post-natal depression. Rather Iíd say you have post-natal courage and are standing up to some people who have been bothering you for some time.

Along with this goes a responsibly to understand why they bother you and that you can work on yourself to begin to learn what it is that you are experiencing when they do bother you. The goal here is not to change others, but to find the insight and control to carefully identify and feel your own emotions without making others responsible for them.

Talk openly with your fiancÈ about your fears for your future and let your own emotions reveal themselves. Youíll find that if you do, his fourteen year old will bother you much less and you might even be able to help him too through this difficult time.

[Benjamin Fry]

Anger in itself is not a problem, but what we do with it can be. Try to recognise it as a symptom of underlying fears and talk about those fears. This makes for more constructive conversations than using it to throw insults around!

For example, saying "I'm scared of being on my own" is more likely to get your man to understand and to listen to you than saying "You are an arsehole".

Utmost in your thoughts must also be the welfare of your son. He will need a father whether or not you stay with him and you should exhaust all possible avenues of reconciliation before you give up on making a family for your little boy. Perhaps you could both attend some couple counselling?

A good technique for communicating without rowing is to write down five negative things and five positive things about each other. Then one of you reads his/her list while the other one just repeats it. No arguing! Then you do it the other way around. Finish up with a hour time-out where you just absorb what you have heard. Both of you need love and both of you are scared. If you can find a way to bridge the gap you will find that you have a lot more in common than it seems right now.

Remember that before a wedding many, many couples doubt the wisdom of their choice to marry. It's quite normal and a reaction against many of the unspoken insecurities that attachment and commitment bring up in people.

[Benjamin Fry]

Thatís very good news. It sounds like you are all being very sensible and responsible.

I have one parting thought for you: you say that every time something good happens to you (plural) that things flare up via their son. Please bear in mind that while you can relate to how the other woman might be feeling and therefore speculate on her jealousy, you may be missing how an emotionally inarticulate 14-year old boy might be feeling (all 14 year old boys are likely to be emotionally inarticulate).

The direct evidence is that as his father becomes more and more established with a new woman, in a new home and now with a new son, this adolescent child causes trouble for you. He is most likely simply acting out his pain and will focus it on attacking you because that is the normal dynamic of a step-family. You donít need a conspiracy theory to understand that!

The solution is to get him to try to express these very hurt and scared feeling directly to his dad. Itís not easy, but if his dad is really ready to listen, hear anything and not judge him for it, you might be amazed. It will be much easier for him to talk about now than in thirty years time.