Hi, I am back on here after an absence of about 12 months, things in my life are totally upsidedown, and a million miles from where they were.
I hope that by writing my story may help others, not 100% sure that it will, but I will write anyway!
Bit of background:
Had a marriage that was built on some rocky foundations I guess. I met my (soon to be ex) wife back in 1997. She was married, and she left her husband and 2 children to be with me. I was never totally sure at the time that she would do it, but she did.
They got divorced, and just after decree absolute, he had a brain aneurism and dropped down dead outside McDonalds. So, overnight, I went from being a weekend stepdad to a full time one overnight.
I had debt problems that I was not totally open with her about, which was not a good thing to do. During the divorce, the father got the kids to be pretty unpleasent, misbehaving, stealing payslips and bankstatements, making up stuff about us should there be a custody battle, you know the kind of thing.
Anyway, I got another job that went OK, and we started living as a family, but there was always tension around the kids. I guess I was jealous of them, and there was always a split through the family, me on one side, her and the kids on the other.
We got married, but there were always unresolved problems that were pushed under the carpet, arguements, fights and the like. I was constantly told that my feelings would be different if the kids were mine, and I felt I could not win.
All came to a head getting worse and worse in Jan 2005 when she got a new job, further away, longer hours, more travelling, less money. I ended up working all day, cooking, kids were older and needed running around all the time, and we saw each other less and less, argued more and more.
Things took there natural course and we split in July last year. I moved out, and rented a room with a friend.
Things were hell to start with, but slowely time does give you the opportunity to put things into perspective, and you see the reasons behind what you did years ago.
I know now that I am stronger than I was, and though obviously I miss the life I had, I do not want it back.
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Difficult decisions End of a marriage, and the future...
#2
SteveG 
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Posted 26 March 2006 - 11:13 AM
OK, Slept on it, re-read what I wrote last night....need to add some things.
Firstly, I have always used alcohol as a tool to bury my head in the sand, to make problems go away, which probably lead to my debt issues, as well as being overweight.
I have always been one to jump from one relationship to another, without really spending any time on my own, probably because I was a late developer when it came to these things, and didn't have a real relationship til I was at university (And there is another complete post to be wriiten about that one!!).
One thing I didn't mention was that once the real bad times started, I sat down to try and work out why things were going wrong, I bought a copy of Benjamin's book, and that showed me a few things, if not all.
In the books, Ben talks about using an experience now to deal with the trauma of the past.
I am the youngest of 2, and you know what mums are like, always did everything for me, protected me etc, which meant that as I grew, I tended to leave her to do things, and always had an issue around taking responsibilty. My wife was similar, and took on doing things, arranging things, sorting things out, and naturally, I figured if she wanted to, then I would leave her to it. She resented this, and started to (what I viewed as) ng me into doing things. I guess I replaced my mum with my wife, not a good thing in a marriage, but a good way of dealing with my trauma!
As I said, the main issue/problem was my relationship with the kids, and the friction, jealousy that I felt and caused.
Previously I tried to deal with it, I went to a counsellor, but did not open up to her as much as I should have done, and only really scratched the surface.
My wife and I both thought there was going to be some 'magic bullet', something in my past that would explain all the problems, and addressing it would make them all go away. When we couldn't find one, then what was there left to do? This was the point she ended it.
Looking back, and living my life in the 8 moths since, I have learned many things about myself and the life I had.
i) I wasn't mature enough to take on another persons kids, and should have probably been brave enough to walk away when her ex died.
ii) I felt, and was forced to feel guilt for not feeling the same bond with the kids as if they had been mine.
iii) Drinking is not the answer, not that I ever relied on it, but I did use it more than I should,
iiii) And this is a big one, I want a family and children of my own!
The problem I have to face now is that I am 35, have pretty well no debt, but also no capital, so I am starting again with a clean slate, but hope I have not left it too late.
BUT, I have used this time to get back in touch with some friends from school, university, work from way back, pretty well stopped drinking (Apart from when I go out, which only every couple of weeks).
I guess among all this rambling, there is a message, and I think that what I have learned is that it is too easy to stay in a relatively comfortable environment, because it feels safe, even though it is not the best thing to be doing, and that after the heart crushing pain has faded (Although I do not think it will ever go away), then life is brighter, and the future is where you should be looking.
I will probably come back to this at some point, please feel free to contribute, argue, call me an idiot, whatever!
I think this helps just to write all this down in a semi-public way without spending money on a counsellor, and maybe no-one is even reading it!
Firstly, I have always used alcohol as a tool to bury my head in the sand, to make problems go away, which probably lead to my debt issues, as well as being overweight.
I have always been one to jump from one relationship to another, without really spending any time on my own, probably because I was a late developer when it came to these things, and didn't have a real relationship til I was at university (And there is another complete post to be wriiten about that one!!).
One thing I didn't mention was that once the real bad times started, I sat down to try and work out why things were going wrong, I bought a copy of Benjamin's book, and that showed me a few things, if not all.
In the books, Ben talks about using an experience now to deal with the trauma of the past.
I am the youngest of 2, and you know what mums are like, always did everything for me, protected me etc, which meant that as I grew, I tended to leave her to do things, and always had an issue around taking responsibilty. My wife was similar, and took on doing things, arranging things, sorting things out, and naturally, I figured if she wanted to, then I would leave her to it. She resented this, and started to (what I viewed as) ng me into doing things. I guess I replaced my mum with my wife, not a good thing in a marriage, but a good way of dealing with my trauma!
As I said, the main issue/problem was my relationship with the kids, and the friction, jealousy that I felt and caused.
Previously I tried to deal with it, I went to a counsellor, but did not open up to her as much as I should have done, and only really scratched the surface.
My wife and I both thought there was going to be some 'magic bullet', something in my past that would explain all the problems, and addressing it would make them all go away. When we couldn't find one, then what was there left to do? This was the point she ended it.
Looking back, and living my life in the 8 moths since, I have learned many things about myself and the life I had.
i) I wasn't mature enough to take on another persons kids, and should have probably been brave enough to walk away when her ex died.
ii) I felt, and was forced to feel guilt for not feeling the same bond with the kids as if they had been mine.
iii) Drinking is not the answer, not that I ever relied on it, but I did use it more than I should,
iiii) And this is a big one, I want a family and children of my own!
The problem I have to face now is that I am 35, have pretty well no debt, but also no capital, so I am starting again with a clean slate, but hope I have not left it too late.
BUT, I have used this time to get back in touch with some friends from school, university, work from way back, pretty well stopped drinking (Apart from when I go out, which only every couple of weeks).
I guess among all this rambling, there is a message, and I think that what I have learned is that it is too easy to stay in a relatively comfortable environment, because it feels safe, even though it is not the best thing to be doing, and that after the heart crushing pain has faded (Although I do not think it will ever go away), then life is brighter, and the future is where you should be looking.
I will probably come back to this at some point, please feel free to contribute, argue, call me an idiot, whatever!
I think this helps just to write all this down in a semi-public way without spending money on a counsellor, and maybe no-one is even reading it!
#3 Guest_CJ_*
Posted 30 March 2006 - 01:21 PM
hi Steve,
It's obvious from your message that you have been undergoing a process of self-reflection lately in order to inform your future choices in life, which I would strongly encourage. However, I did want to add something that I perceive as a possible danger sign for you, in case you are unaware of it.
Obviously you were drawn into something that turned out to be a real mess and caused you a great deal of suffering with your ex-wife, and you have identified yourself that perhaps the choices that led you there were not the most rational ones. You have also identified that you have a strong desire to get a wife and kids of your own. However, I believe that there is a danger that the intensity of that longing might distort your perspective and lead you into further unworkable and miserable situations in future. It might even have been what led you into your failed marriage. You state that you want not just a partner but also the kids too. You want to be part of a happy family, perhaps because you believe that to be the right circumstances for a guy of your age to be in. Did that influence you feelings on getting involved with you ex-wife? At the time were you reasonably happy on some level to take on responsibility for her kids as well as her, in the hope that you could forge a happy family from it all? If any of that is the case then I am not suggesting any particular judgement on it - simply that it would be helpful for your to understand all you motivations that have been at play in the past, because they will most likely come out in force again in the future.
That is a slight digression though; what I want to emphasise is the fact that you may find it difficult to assess objectively any potential partners you meet in terms of their compatibility, because a part of you will be looking at them not purely as they are in themselves, but as to how well they would fit the role that you want them to play in terms of starting a family. It is also the case that you might become increasingly worried that you will miss the boat in terms of getting a wife and kids, and so be strongly tempted to 'lower your standards' - especially if you meet a women who feels the same way about the need to have a family. You could be united in the short term by your common agenda, but find in the long term that you can't really live together.
Life is such that we do not have complete control over the role we are destined to play in society. The family unit is held up as the ideal, but the sad truth is that there are so many things that can go wrong in the forging of a workable family unit, that very few people ever experience dream of getting it right. As you know only too well, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those that don't, a sizeable proportion will in some ways no doubt be lacking and unfulfilling for the participants. We simply can't all live out that particular ideal, and in fact when you think about it, its a pretty crazy notion that the same narrowly-defined type of lifestyle is going to suit everyone.
I'm not saying that it won't happen to you. It may or may not, but I think the bottom line is that whether you do or don't marry and have kids is no true judgement on either your worth or success in life. If you can truly accept the possibility that it just might not work out like that for you, and not stake all of your happiness on that outcome, then the burden of desperation and dissatisfaction may be somewhat lifted from you. Then you will most likely be in a more objective mindset when it comes to assessing the prospective partners that you will encounter in future. If you don't have either an idyllic picture of family life or a sense of urgency in your mind, then you might be able to make more rational choices about your future. You should also make yourself concentrate on the person's flaws rather than brush them aside in the name of love, in order to try and weigh up how happy you would actually be in their company day in day out.
I don't have all the answers to offer, but I do know that satisfaction and meaning in life has to begin with the self, and cannot ever be staked on making another person conform to our agenda.
Best Wishes
It's obvious from your message that you have been undergoing a process of self-reflection lately in order to inform your future choices in life, which I would strongly encourage. However, I did want to add something that I perceive as a possible danger sign for you, in case you are unaware of it.
Obviously you were drawn into something that turned out to be a real mess and caused you a great deal of suffering with your ex-wife, and you have identified yourself that perhaps the choices that led you there were not the most rational ones. You have also identified that you have a strong desire to get a wife and kids of your own. However, I believe that there is a danger that the intensity of that longing might distort your perspective and lead you into further unworkable and miserable situations in future. It might even have been what led you into your failed marriage. You state that you want not just a partner but also the kids too. You want to be part of a happy family, perhaps because you believe that to be the right circumstances for a guy of your age to be in. Did that influence you feelings on getting involved with you ex-wife? At the time were you reasonably happy on some level to take on responsibility for her kids as well as her, in the hope that you could forge a happy family from it all? If any of that is the case then I am not suggesting any particular judgement on it - simply that it would be helpful for your to understand all you motivations that have been at play in the past, because they will most likely come out in force again in the future.
That is a slight digression though; what I want to emphasise is the fact that you may find it difficult to assess objectively any potential partners you meet in terms of their compatibility, because a part of you will be looking at them not purely as they are in themselves, but as to how well they would fit the role that you want them to play in terms of starting a family. It is also the case that you might become increasingly worried that you will miss the boat in terms of getting a wife and kids, and so be strongly tempted to 'lower your standards' - especially if you meet a women who feels the same way about the need to have a family. You could be united in the short term by your common agenda, but find in the long term that you can't really live together.
Life is such that we do not have complete control over the role we are destined to play in society. The family unit is held up as the ideal, but the sad truth is that there are so many things that can go wrong in the forging of a workable family unit, that very few people ever experience dream of getting it right. As you know only too well, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those that don't, a sizeable proportion will in some ways no doubt be lacking and unfulfilling for the participants. We simply can't all live out that particular ideal, and in fact when you think about it, its a pretty crazy notion that the same narrowly-defined type of lifestyle is going to suit everyone.
I'm not saying that it won't happen to you. It may or may not, but I think the bottom line is that whether you do or don't marry and have kids is no true judgement on either your worth or success in life. If you can truly accept the possibility that it just might not work out like that for you, and not stake all of your happiness on that outcome, then the burden of desperation and dissatisfaction may be somewhat lifted from you. Then you will most likely be in a more objective mindset when it comes to assessing the prospective partners that you will encounter in future. If you don't have either an idyllic picture of family life or a sense of urgency in your mind, then you might be able to make more rational choices about your future. You should also make yourself concentrate on the person's flaws rather than brush them aside in the name of love, in order to try and weigh up how happy you would actually be in their company day in day out.
I don't have all the answers to offer, but I do know that satisfaction and meaning in life has to begin with the self, and cannot ever be staked on making another person conform to our agenda.
Best Wishes
#4
SteveG
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Posted 30 March 2006 - 07:54 PM
Thanks for the feedback CJ.
Another thing I have come to realise that my life cannot be run by only one thing, one need, one desire.
I am also was aware that there is a danger that I will slot into the first relationship that comes along that I see that offers me chunks of what I think I want. However, I think I am a bit more self aware than in the past, and am more able to avoid dropping into them.
As an aside, I also think I am more picky when it comes to women than I have ever been in the past, not sure what that says about me!
Steve
Another thing I have come to realise that my life cannot be run by only one thing, one need, one desire.
I am also was aware that there is a danger that I will slot into the first relationship that comes along that I see that offers me chunks of what I think I want. However, I think I am a bit more self aware than in the past, and am more able to avoid dropping into them.
As an aside, I also think I am more picky when it comes to women than I have ever been in the past, not sure what that says about me!
Steve
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