[thebrother]

Today discovered my brother tried to commit suicide. My parents and his girlfriend got back to his flat to find him. Thankfully he was still concious and they got him to the hospital. He's fine now, physically, and is recovering as i type. Hopefully I will get to see him tomorrow - i would like to have seen him sooner but i live literally the other side of the country and he needs time to rest.

The thing is it just came from nowhere. Even his girlfriend didnt see it coming. We've always known he was rubbish with money, but never knew that he'd got into serious trouble. Without too much detail - it had gotten so bad he had been taking money from work - a 5 figure sum.

When i eventually got to thinking straight your program was one of the first things that came to mind. So i came on here. I dont know what else i can do to be honest, and i just wanted to be proactive rather than sitting around.

Now the concern for me isnt the money. Its the psychology behnd it that has led to this. Its obious that from watching spendaholics there obviously a deeper rooted pschologoical reason for getting into that situation in the first place.

Essentially my quesiton is this; how can i best help? How can i approach the subject of what maybe at the root of all this? You know how the stereotype is - two blokes talking about "feelings". I feel however it is down to me - he's very guarded when talking to our parents - i think maybe he tries to protect them. And although I love my brother, we're not all that close, mainly down to geography, and admitedly, taking each other for granted to always be there.

Like i say, managing the debt he's in doesnt worry me oo much. I myself got into a large amount of debt (about 18-20k) soon after i graduated about 8 years ago. But Im now almost into the black after cutting up credit cards, and even one christmas making all the presents. I know i can help him in that respect. But its the deeper psychological aspects that scare me shitless (for want of a better phrase).

I'd like to know if anyone else out there who can offer some advice, or perhaps just point me in the rght direction as to how i can help.

cheers

[alison]

Hi. Your brother is certainly not the only one who has attemped (some successfully) to commit suicide over debt. I'm sure Benjamin will give you lots of good advice on the possible psychology behind it. With support your brother can pull through this. If you have read my post you will know that I too am up to my eyeballs in debt, and despite my best intentions I still can't own up to my husband although the cutting back and debt repayment side of things is going quite well. I too have thought about suicide in my darkest moments but knowing what effect it would have on my family and friends has stopped me from doing anything stupid. Your brother needs to know he is loved and to understand what effect his suicide would have on his family and friends so he can see past his immediate debt problems. I hope your brother is feeling better and with your help can start to sort himself out. You say that you yourself have also been in masses of debt. Well done for getting out of the mess but I was wondering if there is some connection, something common to you both in your past? I know that it is pretty much impossible these days to be a student and not get into debt but even so your debt still seemed large. My problems also started at university, although on a much, much smaller scale. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[Benjamin Fry]

The fact that you are scared ìshitlessî of the psychological side is not a very encouraging sign. It suggests that ìtalkingî on a really honest level is not a forte in your family. This is very normal in England. However it causes real problems when there is something that someone really needs to talk about.

In your brotherís case he has internalised his stress and fear to such an extent that the only way that he could see to escape (or to get noticed) was to attempt suicide. I think we all know that we feel better when we talk about something, however we donít all know how or to whom to talk. If you can offer him the latter then he can learn to practice the former.

Suicide represents a deep lack of trust and security in ìeverything being okî in the end. Many people who have been frightened for one reason or another in their early years find it hard to believe that life can be nurturing and support them. Instead they see it as a very difficult game. If the game goes against them, they often canít see a way back and therefore want out.

It is also a very bleak frame of mind to be in and represents great suffering. Your brother needs compassion for his pain as much as space for understanding. He has gone to a very dark place and needs love as much as he needs psychological help.

Debt can seem like a lifelong trap. The practical easing of debt will reduce the stress, but the underlying emotional architecture that turns debt into stress into suicidal ideation will remain. That needs addressing with a professional.

[crappotheclown]

Hello there,
Firstly I wanted to say that you are very sweet trying your best to help your brother. He's clearly in deep water as far as debt goes and probably feels like there's no hope and no way out, and he should feel lucky that he has someone like you that wishes to be there for him.
As far as talking goes, no matter how painful it is, you seem to need to do it, so good luck. I'd suggest going somewhere that is outside to avoid the distractions in the home and so it doesn't get too heated, just start off casually and then start asking questions and really listening to the andswers. If you can't help, it's ok, just say you don't know what to do but you're still here to listen and make suggestions. I wish you the best of luck, hopefully you'll see this as a hard time that has past in years to come.
xxxxx