[skyblue22]

Hi Benjamin and everyone,

Since I first wrote in this site (in the Ask Benjamin Fry thread under Depression/Anxiety, which I have brought to the top of the list) I've been using your book and working with a therapist, and over time have uncovered some trauma in my past, working back to positing a babyhood trauma, which may be reaponsible for the way I feel now - ie unbearably depressed and anxious, unable to sleep, eat or enjoy anything in life, very lonely and sad, and can't picture any positive future for myself.
I'm wondering how I can recover more fully from these traumas, if that is indeed what is causing my problems. Here's a small example - the other day my dog nipped my hand, and instead of just washing my hand and ignoring the incident, I sobbed and cried uncontrollably and went to my mother (age 89 with whom I live, and who I care for, though she also cares for me since I've been unwell). This recalled to me when I was attacked by a dog as a child and how my mother comforted me then. However, this awareness didn't bring me any relief from my current depression, even though, as a "frozen trauma" it has been stuck in my mind and body, and has now been brought in to consciousness.
What else can I do to bring about my own healing and return to the world, which I really feel I have lost in my current state of depression...
I don't know if that's even the right question, I'm just looking for a way out. I've had suicidal feelings, sometimes strong. but haven't acted on them I just feel my life is so unbearable I don't know what to do with all my sadness, pain and depression and get to feeling some kind of "normal"

[Jaco]

Hi Skyblue

I truly feel for you. The mental state you are in at the moment is horrible I know. I am not an expert in any mental health field, but I have experienced the emotions you are talking about shortly after my father died.

The feeling I experienced then was not directly brought on by his death, but rather by the stress of taking over the family business that was not prepared for his death, even though he was sick for 6 to 10 years.

At that time I remember feeling helpless and angry at him and it made me physically sick with depression and I too had severe suicidal thoughts at one time with a gun in my hand. The only reason I did not go through with it was the guilt of leaving my family behind with all the problems I did not think I could deal with. How were they going to deal with it and my death?

I just yesterday finished Benjaminís book and I realised what went missing from my life. God... I have never discounted God's existence but I think after my father died my thoughts of what God is changed from the Christian upbringing I had to a more acceptable new age belief.

I never gave it much thought but after reading about Benjaminís experience in the desert I realised that I too was angry at God and therefore I must have changed my projection of God to suit and shield me from the trauma that God caused me, when my father died.

As I say I just finished Benjaminís book yesterday but I do feel as if I found a part of me again.

I think in the place where you are now it might be helpful if you could try to reconnect with God. Please donít get me wrong I am not a religious person, I donít go to church and I donít subscribe to a religion, but I do acknowledge that there is a higher power. I just lost the will to communicate with that power, due to my anger.

I now feel much better and life makes more sense, I again see the bigger picture. Take Benjaminís advice and go somewhere where it is possible to be closer to nature and ask God (whoever he/she might be for you) for help and support, and I know you will feel better.

Do this with your eyes closed and before asking for the help relax by breathing deeply and try and see yourself sitting there, as if looking from outside your body down onto yourself. Try and move this image futher and futher away so that you can see the whole park and then the city etc. Then ask for the clarity to see the bigger picture. Why your life means so much to the world.

All the best.

[Benjamin Fry]

It is a hard place to be in. You probably donít know if you are going mad or getting better. Thereís a reason that we repress so much of our feelings: they feel awful. As a result, it sometimes feels worse when we are actually starting to get better. It may be that your good work in beginning to shift some of your emotional baggage is triggering your emotional defences (which then try to shut you down and depress you). It may be though that the depression is part of simply becoming more aware of how you feel.

The anxiety may be a key. It is fear, and fear is often the primal reaction to events which result in all sorts of feelings and trauma. Fear will stop you from sleeping, eating, enjoying anything. It will also make you depressed as you try to fight it.

There are only a few ways out; you can go back, around or through. Only the last one works for good. You may not be able to go back, and you know where that leads anyway. This would be the path of avoidance through behaviour such as drinking. You can get help to go around; this would be with something like an anti-depressant. It will help relieve the symptoms, but the core problems will remain. It is possible that if you feel better, you will have more success tackling the core problems, but it is not guaranteed. You also run the risk of complicating your state of mind with reactions to and withdrawals from the drugs. Or you can go through. To do that, you do one simple thing; you hang in there.

Remind yourself that every feeling, and every reaction to your feelings, is valid, part of you and needs to happen. (Read the theoretical parts of my book as often as you want or can to drive this point home to your conscious mind.) It is, of course, unbearable. Thatís why you didnít bear it and instead turned it into trauma. If you want out, then you now have to bear it. To do that you need some safety, support, courage, but above all, a reason. If you can believe that bearing it, letting it happen, and doing that without guarantee or time-limit will release you, then you can do it, however hard it gets. Thatís what I wrote my book to communicate. It is what I believe. It is what worked for me.

The nub of it is to be able to observe your suffering and let it be. This is different to the usual state of mind of wrestling with your suffering and trying to mend it. You can only get into that relaxed, observing state of mind if you are comfortable with the reasons for letting the suffering go on unobstructed by your conscious mind. This comes with practice. Believe it or not, I used to read my own book to remind myself to do this. I had to. That is how elusive this state of mind is.

You are always going to face emotional difficulties. They will (eventually) come and go, less frequently and less frighteningly. However they will never disappear. The trick is not minding. Once you get that, then everything takes its natural path.

One good way to get some instant emotional relief is to write down what you remember, how you felt about it and how you feel today remembering it. Keep a journal. Write for an hour every day. Commit to doing it and then you may be able to do so even when you really feel you canít, which is when you need it the most.

You should consider exercise, meditation and yoga as methods to calm your mind, so that it is possible to take seriously the idea of not panicking about how you feel. Go to nature. Go to a church. Remember any environment or ideas which you feel nurture you and make yourself get there. Ask your counsellor to recommend a group so that you can talk to others about how you feel and what you remember.

If you canít get there on your own and are desperate, you should ask your GP for some medication to give you some respite from the depression and anxiety. But use it as a spring board for these other techniques, not instead of them. You need to turn round the panicked commentary on your state of mind. You need to find instead a place of calm from which to observe it, not mind it and let it get on with its emotional housekeeping.

It might take ten minutes, or it might take ten years, but as long as you have someone to hold onto you in your lowest moments (and perhaps because of it), you will get better in the end.

[skyblue22]

Dear Benjamin, dear Jaco,

Thankyou both for your compassionate. Yes Benjamin, that's exactly how I feel, as if I've gone mad! Not a nice feeling, and everything in my life seems to have gone downhill.
It's hard not to mind feeling awful, when I wake up every day with this dreary feeling of depression and hopelessness, underpinned by "anxiety" which you are right is FEAR - I feel frightened, quite irrationally, of anything and everything, and feel it has taken over my mind to the detriment of everything else.
I've been going to a support group, having counselling, doing a course in CBT Raising Self-esteem, and today started a Pilates class, so I seem to be doing the "right" things, but why don't I FEEÄL any better??
I've also been to church a few times, to try and contact my spiritual side, but nothing seems to be shifting. As you say in your book, I've been going round like a headless chicken trying to find the answer, but I don't think I know what the question is!!
Thanks again for your helpful replies Benjamin, please keep in touch,
Skyblue22

skyblue22@hotmail.com

[Benjamin Fry]

At the risk of being very annoying, Iíd say that you do ìfeel betterî, as in ìyou are getting much better at feelingî. Now I understand that the feelings themselves are not nice. However I do believe that resisting feelings ìfeelsî worse (and lasts forever) than feeling the feeling themselves. Can you stick with it?

[skyblue22]

Yes, thankyou, Benjamin, that does make some sense, and does help!
I really liked what you did with your client in Spendaholics this week, as in giving him a map and abandoning him to find his way home - I'd love it if you could suggest an equivalent that would be relevant for me??
Thanks again, and all the best.

[Benjamin Fry]

A two week cycling holiday abroad during which you write a journal of all your feelings and memories. Do you know why?

[skyblue22]

Yes I do, and thankyou so much.