Benjamin Fry | Forum: Confessions of a husband... - Benjamin Fry | Forum

Hi all, for some days now Ive been reading through and taking great value from the many discussions on this forum and feel that I would very much value the feedback this formum may provide - both good and bad.

Let me introdcuce myself - Im a 34yr old man from the UK and am married to a lady Ive been with since school from the age of 14. We got married at 21 and lived together for the first time - me never quite knowing or wanting to be married as I knew I loived here and didnt need any papar or ring to prove that. We started to have kids 8 years ago and now have two happy heathy and family loving kids. Looks like I couldnt want for more.

Heres the situation we find ourselves in - Im a very outgoing, love and live life to the full, have a massive sex drive - have many friends and love women, some may say too much. I also have a very low self esteem.

My wife on the other hand is quite quiet has had a few jobs and has really only ever wanted to be married and have kids, a nice home and security .... Up until my son was born everything was great between us and even in the early baby days things were ok - but of course the dynamics of the relationship changed between us and with the kids coming rightfully first.

Up until a few years ago I had remained faithful to my wife - of course I had opportunities (as Im sure we all do) but I said no, but then as our relationship continued many of my needs werent being met - I didnt feel wanted essentially. My wife was busy with a demanding child and had little time for me / sex and our relationship. We never really argued - but I did keep going round in circles when it came to asking for some more attention / trying to get her to look after herself a little better and not just be a mum, but be the georgeous woman she is.

This circle of life carried on for 6 or so years - us discussion things, it changing for a week or so and then back to square one. Every day I'd tell her how much I loved her and how beautiful she is and how much I wanted her... but never anything back.

This all came to a head when last year a neighbour of ours whom my wife was fiends with and I came to become close - she too was having problems with her husband (a friend of mine) and we had both always been attracted to one another - of course one thing lead to another and we started a very short passionate affair - I loved the fact that this beautiful woman wanted me and I loved the excitement of the affair even though insidee I was immensely guilty for my wife I didnt stop as I really didnt belive she wanted me....

This all came out when a text was found on my phone by my wife - something I now think was a consious thing on my part to leave as I was planning on leaving and this was the vehicle to it.... I'll never forget the hurt in her eyes.

I left my wife that night and stayed in town for a month or so - still in contact with my lover and very mixed up. My lovers husband who had also been having an affair was obviously very upset for my betrayal of him. My wife and lover talked - although my lover was ver self centred and told my wife I'd left her as she didnt want me and didnt look after herself (things I'd told my lover about my relationship)

During all of this my kids werent aware - thinking daddy was away on business again - and to this day they dont know.

After about 8 weeks my wife an I started dating again - on very strict terms which I was ok with as I'd missed my best friend and kids, problem is I just couldnt give up my lover and now I think about it we were forced apart by circumstance. Ideally I'd love her to say sod off so at least I can put her out of my mind. i was caught again contacting my lover by my wife (via text - as my lovers father had died, and this was strictly a no no rule. No no being do that and we are over - she forgave me and I promised not to do it again as I knew the rules

So where are we now? Well nearly a year on from the affair my wife is still not able to move forward as I'd hurt her soo much. She had always believed that our life was perfect, she had a great husband / kids and whatever she desired really and I'd come along and burst her bubble and told her the pedastal of trust she had put me on wasnt there at all. Nearly every day we are having what i call deep and meaningfull conversations about the situation - her not being able to move forward. Things made more difficult that we have had to move due to the location of my 'affair' and our daughters still go to the same school and are in the same class - so school functions / kids parties etc are very difficult. Were currently renting a house and trying to buy another that needs total renovation, so quite stressful for everyone.

My wife still cant get over not only the fact of how I could do that to here, but also how this woman who she did so many things for could do this to here also - a double blow of which Im certainly not proud. Catch 21 is that my wife feels that she shouldnt be the one to move or uproot the kids as shes done nothing wrong and this other woman should go - but everyone has differing views.

So - to surmise, Ive made a huge problem for us all and we are currently trying to figure out what to do. Ive put an e-mail Ive just got from my wife and my resonse below - what shoud we do??? Any suggestions good or bad would be appreciated.

Sorry to drag on,

From my wife:

DO want you I just don't know whether you want me as the person I now am. You said you wanted things to be like they were when we first got married but how can they be like that when we've both changed so much. How can we make it like that.

I am still hurt and angry about what's happened and rightly or wrongly thats how I feel. I agree that I'm not moving forward too well - I guess I don't feel theres much to move forward to or for with the way things are at the moment between us and I desperately want to work things out and for us all to be happy with how things are. I don't like being or living like this. You're not giving yourself wholly to me and I'm not to you - we're both holding our love back for fear of being hurt and thats not helping either.

I'm sick and tired of these conversations and I know you are to - I don't know whether they help any more or just keep raking things up. Maybe we're best never to have another D&M ever again!! Perhaps we should try S&M instead!!!

I'm truly sorry for the way things are and the worst part for me is thinking if I'd done things differently we wouldn't be having this conversation. What a fucking idiot I am.

I love you

C


FROM ME in response:

I canít remember saying that you donít want me, unless you are talking about last year, then that was different. I did truly believe that you didnít want me, and now after all this time I now find it hard to believe why youíd want me?

From what I can see and feel I agree with you in that we arenít giving ourselves to one another ñ and even in rare moments that we do let our guards down and have some relaxed fun it only takes one word / look / expression then it all changes again back to where we were last year. Fact is I do appreciate that Iíve hurt you and ruined what stability we had as a couple ñ I too miss this and long for the days when we could actually relax in each others company and knowledge / trust in each other, but fact is itís just not happening and I donít know if you can ever move forward to accept that I am human, I do make mistakes and Iíve changed too. I also accept that I have changed you and the way you are ñ but I donít feel that the person Im living with is really you and who you will continue to be, this is just the slowly recovering you and though I love you ñ I donít like seeing you like this and Iím not too sure I can live with you like this indefinitely if thereís no light at the end of this tunnel, this is particularly hard considering its off the back of something Iíve done ñ you are no idiot! I want the you that Ive forced into hidingÖ.. not this shell.

The longer this goes on the more distant / detached I feel and the more I want a decision to be made one way or another ñ Iíll accept whatever this may be, I just need to know if you can ever get over this? If you feel you can tell me what has to happen to make this so ñ if not, well we both know the answer to that huh.

I want us to work, I want things to happen in the right direction and I do want you ñ I just donít want ëthisí Ö.

Mx

Hi,

I am sorry to hear of the painful situation you are in. I'm not sure how helpful you will find my thoughts on the matter, but I do feel compelled to offer them.

I detect from reading your message a certain awarness of the morality of the situation, which you feel a little awkward about, and you understandably make some effort to justify your past acts. However, what you must realise is that the root cause of the suffering that both you and your wife are now enduring lies in your own past willful behaviour. Your discontentment has stemmed from the fact that your wife no longer gratifies you, in terms of both sex and fun in general in the way that she did when you first met. You have therefore used this 'neglect' as an excuse to seek pleasure elsewhere.

I think in some ways you are a victim of contemporary attitudes to our desires, in the sense that we are induced to think of them as 'rights'. I would strongly emplore you not to think of your wife primairly as someone that must service your desires. You should instead focus on the good things about her, and try and take a less selfish form of joy in those things.

Do not rue the fact that you have deep and meaningful conversations, regardless of the fact that they open you both up to emotional pain. It is only in facing and dealing with this pain that you will find happiness. And the fact that you are able to have these kinds of conversations means that there is a significant bond between the two of you that is worth preserving. The more you are able to foster that particular connnection, and focus less on bodily type gratifications, then the greater is your chance of finding contentment.

If you do not find some way to constrain your desiring, then in time you will leave your wife in order to find someone else that can provide you with the pleasure that you once enjoyed. However, this will again prove impermanent, and you will become embroilled in a cycle of futily pursuing selfish ends that are unattainable. I would urge you not to choose that fate.

Therefore, you must immediately try to step back and see your wife and family in perspective. Think about what you all have to offer each other, and the happiness that could potentially come from that. Put your bodily desires on the back burner as much as you can, and see what else can emerge as a source of joy.

The pursuit of sexual fulfilment is merely them means by which nature leads us to procreate. It is a myth to think that any person can ever definitively satisfy this instinct. You must try to take the helm and make rational, objective choices for yourself, rather than be led into ultimate misery by following your desires.

Best Wishes.