Posted 09 January 2006 - 08:55 PM
I'm 38, with a good job (but bored with it), in a relationship which is great but going nowhere and seem to have no dreams in life. I'm also losing my social skills because I think I have nothing to say that people would be interested in so I don't talk much anymore. I'm existing not living and don't know how to get out of the rut. My only escapes are food and wine (ie a weight problem) and holidays. Contemplating a career break to see if I can find myself but somehow that feels like running away. Come from a family background which was not particularly nurturing and often critical - nothing I ever did was good enough. What's wrong with me?
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Who am I? in limbo with no direction
#2 Guest_CJ_*
Posted 13 January 2006 - 03:42 PM
Hi Megan,
In response to your question maybe I can firstly throw one back at you:
You said you feel you are "existing not living" at present, so I was wondering how you think your life would be like if you were 'living'? What would be different from how things are now, in your eyes?
In my opinion, the kind of discontentment you have described is often associated with a lack of stimulation of the more intellectual/insightful part of the brain - the part that would be concerned with things like self-development. Perhaps for some time now you have been in this 'rut' as you described, whereby you have chugged along mainly pursuing short-term pleasures, distractions and daydreams. But you see, there are two parts of our minds that require attention - the unconscious, desiring part - which seeks gratification and propels us to indulge our desires, but there is also the rational, intellectual part of us - which will continue to cry out and unsettle us even if it is chronically neglected.
I'm not accusing you of being unintelligent or anything like that, however, if you reflect upon you life and conclude that it is mainly structured in order to satisfy the desiring part of your mind, then it is inevitable that you will be unhappy.
Because indulgences, and that means essentially anything that stimulates the body or ego in some way, can bring only a short-term gratification rather than a lasting fulfilment, and if over indulged in will leave us feeling bad about ourselves. Without attention paid to our more rational faculties (which can ultimately come to steer oneís life fruitfully), then we can but coast along, day-dreaming about future indulgences that we may or may not even have, in state which could only be called 'existing' not 'living'.
What I would suggest you might want to do, especially if you donít have a satisfactory answer to my above question, is perhaps thinking about and reading about the development of the non-desiring part of your mind. You should also bear in mind that there is a big difference between stopping to take stock of your life and ërunning awayí. If you were to carry on working but spend much of your free time indulging in escapism then that would be running away, whereas if you were to stop, reflect upon and confront the things in your life that are unsatisfying then that would be facing your problems. Iím not saying you necessarily have to take time off work, but you definitely need to set aside some time for self-development.
I realise that what I have provided here is essentially a diagnosis with only a very vague prescription. Itís very hard to tell someone how to actually foster their insightful capacities. Perhaps a single useful suggestion I would offer is to read ëThe Tibetan Book of Living and Dyingí. Itís pretty easy to read, and I know a lot of people have found it extremely useful. Some parts may even profoundly alter the way you think about your life.
Best of Luck.
In response to your question maybe I can firstly throw one back at you:
You said you feel you are "existing not living" at present, so I was wondering how you think your life would be like if you were 'living'? What would be different from how things are now, in your eyes?
In my opinion, the kind of discontentment you have described is often associated with a lack of stimulation of the more intellectual/insightful part of the brain - the part that would be concerned with things like self-development. Perhaps for some time now you have been in this 'rut' as you described, whereby you have chugged along mainly pursuing short-term pleasures, distractions and daydreams. But you see, there are two parts of our minds that require attention - the unconscious, desiring part - which seeks gratification and propels us to indulge our desires, but there is also the rational, intellectual part of us - which will continue to cry out and unsettle us even if it is chronically neglected.
I'm not accusing you of being unintelligent or anything like that, however, if you reflect upon you life and conclude that it is mainly structured in order to satisfy the desiring part of your mind, then it is inevitable that you will be unhappy.
Because indulgences, and that means essentially anything that stimulates the body or ego in some way, can bring only a short-term gratification rather than a lasting fulfilment, and if over indulged in will leave us feeling bad about ourselves. Without attention paid to our more rational faculties (which can ultimately come to steer oneís life fruitfully), then we can but coast along, day-dreaming about future indulgences that we may or may not even have, in state which could only be called 'existing' not 'living'.
What I would suggest you might want to do, especially if you donít have a satisfactory answer to my above question, is perhaps thinking about and reading about the development of the non-desiring part of your mind. You should also bear in mind that there is a big difference between stopping to take stock of your life and ërunning awayí. If you were to carry on working but spend much of your free time indulging in escapism then that would be running away, whereas if you were to stop, reflect upon and confront the things in your life that are unsatisfying then that would be facing your problems. Iím not saying you necessarily have to take time off work, but you definitely need to set aside some time for self-development.
I realise that what I have provided here is essentially a diagnosis with only a very vague prescription. Itís very hard to tell someone how to actually foster their insightful capacities. Perhaps a single useful suggestion I would offer is to read ëThe Tibetan Book of Living and Dyingí. Itís pretty easy to read, and I know a lot of people have found it extremely useful. Some parts may even profoundly alter the way you think about your life.
Best of Luck.
#3
Megan 
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Posted 15 January 2006 - 10:19 PM
Thanks for your comments CJ.
In answer to your question - when I think about what living rather than existing would be like I guess I assume that there would be a sense of contentment, and a knowledge of the direction that I'm headed in.
Currently I feel my life has no real structure but instead I respond to the needs of others with no time for myself. I like to feel needed by others. A lack of emotional attachment from my long term boyfriend feels like a constant rejection which is difficult to take and I know I vainly hang on waiting for the moment when he will see things differently and not want me to be apart from him. That's a scenario that has been well rehearsed in my past with different men.
I have known for a long time that I need to make changes and now I am actually trying to start that process of change. It is daunting!
Thanks again.
In answer to your question - when I think about what living rather than existing would be like I guess I assume that there would be a sense of contentment, and a knowledge of the direction that I'm headed in.
Currently I feel my life has no real structure but instead I respond to the needs of others with no time for myself. I like to feel needed by others. A lack of emotional attachment from my long term boyfriend feels like a constant rejection which is difficult to take and I know I vainly hang on waiting for the moment when he will see things differently and not want me to be apart from him. That's a scenario that has been well rehearsed in my past with different men.
I have known for a long time that I need to make changes and now I am actually trying to start that process of change. It is daunting!
Thanks again.
#4 Guest_Guest_Beth_*
Posted 25 April 2006 - 10:35 PM
Hello,
Your post is resonating with me. I think if you have a look under the spendaholics section under the question from Beth you may find Benjamin's response helps you. He certainly seems to have got me spot on.
Beth
Your post is resonating with me. I think if you have a look under the spendaholics section under the question from Beth you may find Benjamin's response helps you. He certainly seems to have got me spot on.
Beth
#5
sunshinegirl
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Posted 09 July 2007 - 12:57 PM
Hi Megan
There is no guarantee that if you got together more with your long term boyfriend that you would feel any differently, perhaps you think that he can make you think differently about yourself, but perhaps not. Maybe you yourself need to feel more positive about yourself and fill your life with things that inspire you and make you happy. We all suffer under the illusion that another person can make our lives the way we perceive they should be or could be, maybe we think we will feel more protected, or more loved, or more viable if someone else shows they love us. Perhaps you need to love yourself more.
There is no guarantee that if you got together more with your long term boyfriend that you would feel any differently, perhaps you think that he can make you think differently about yourself, but perhaps not. Maybe you yourself need to feel more positive about yourself and fill your life with things that inspire you and make you happy. We all suffer under the illusion that another person can make our lives the way we perceive they should be or could be, maybe we think we will feel more protected, or more loved, or more viable if someone else shows they love us. Perhaps you need to love yourself more.
#6
Angelfire77
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Posted 09 August 2010 - 09:25 AM
hi Megan,
I understand where you are coming from as I feel very much the same. I am 32 with a job that bores me, friends who seem to be outliving me and take no interest in me. The only difference to you is i am single.
I have spent a long time identifying what it is that makes me feel I am not progressing in life and am trying to make the changes I need to make. Perhaps a new career or even a job in a different area of your specialism could be a start. I have also made the effort to join various clubs around my home town which has led to new interests and new friends from that.
Hope this helps xx
I understand where you are coming from as I feel very much the same. I am 32 with a job that bores me, friends who seem to be outliving me and take no interest in me. The only difference to you is i am single.
I have spent a long time identifying what it is that makes me feel I am not progressing in life and am trying to make the changes I need to make. Perhaps a new career or even a job in a different area of your specialism could be a start. I have also made the effort to join various clubs around my home town which has led to new interests and new friends from that.
Hope this helps xx
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