Identified your traumatic feelings.. what next?

#1 Anon73

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Posted 06 January 2006 - 04:54 PM

Hello

I have been doing alot of work to find out about the root cause of my fears after reading Ben's book. I have narrowed them down to 3 main fears that totally freak me out;

1. Not being in control - As a child I did not have any control and was always told what to do.

So I am now very territorial and freak out if I have no control over things. This can be little things as to what time we will go around to meet friends or big things like arranging holidays etc. I have to be the person in charge making the decision otherwise this huge fear grips me and I start arguing (I FIGHT) and behaving like a 2 year old! I then will become adamant it is done my way or not done at all. I am not flexible or ready to compromise once I get in this state.

2. Fear of being rejected and not loved - As a child I always felt unloved as my parents were not big on expressing emotions or showing affection.

Now if someone suggest something intimate/social a huge fear grips me that I will ridiculed, rejected and not loved. I then try to avoid the meeting or interaction (I FLEE) as I am scared stiff that I won't be able to cope with it.

3. Fear of losing unconditional love - I never felt that I received unconditional love as a child as love was always shown if I met a condition. For example, I will buy you a car if you do as I say.. and comments like 'I will only be happy with you if you do as I say...'

Now again in some situations some comments will trigger off this huge fear that I will lose the unconditional love I now have from many people in my life (I FREEZE). That they will stop loving me and leave me because I am a fake and boring.

I know that these feelings are related to my past experiences and those situations no longer exist. My present circumstances are perfect full of love and laughter except for the fact that I am handicapped by these irrational fears. This prevents me from enjoying my life to the full.

Actually, having written this all down now I feel so liberated and my problems look crystal clear to me which is a huge progress in itself and a stark difference to the confusion and fear my freakish behaviour resulted in before.

But how do I move on from this? I know I have to keep working at it and teach my conscious mind all what I have just written but sometimes it is so hard... does it get any easier? How do I work it all out?

Is anyone in a similar stage of their self help? Any comments and advise will gratefully received.

Thank you

#2 Guest_john567_*

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Posted 06 January 2006 - 08:54 PM

Don't know if this helps...but here goes.

I was third born of four, my older brother and sister got all the attention...then came along my younger sister,,,,she was the baby....and I got tossed aside....

And spent most of my childhood with my grandparents.

Mum and dad were working all hours....etc...

I am certain that what you go through as a child affects you in adult life,,,the happiness, the rejections, the way you see the anger in your fathers eyes as he tells you that you are a failure etc.

I had all that and worse.............to the point where even when he was dying in hospital.....I could not go and see him....and when I did, in his last hours of living, I could not forgive him for the misery he gave me as a child......he was never there....and when he was, he was either drunk or arguing with my mum.

I supported my mum through them years....and got aweful verbal from my father...things that have stuck with me through the years.

We all want to be wanted and needed as individuals in our lives.....and to gain respect and acceptance from others. Most of the time we wear the mask..that hides us from others, when deep down we are very different people.......I say this...cos i sure do and think others would agree.

Does unconditional love actually exist........?

We all as people...expect something in return for our efforts of loving.

Love is free, but if that love is not returned in one shape or another, then how can we measure its value.

Things from your past will always haunt you.....but there comes a time to let go...
a time to realise that what is in the past is in the past....and OK....maybe it will shape the future...but you cannot live in the past, as the time is NOW

Learn from the past and move on.........

I am married with 2 kids now.....................but still remember the bad times and my dad especially....

I hate the times when me and my wife argue.........cos she says..."you are like your dad"....and that really sticks and twists the knife into me...

If you are getting along OK in your relationship.....and have fun and laughter...why not discuss these feelings with your partner....maybe you have done?

Be happy that you are alive...cos I sure am...even though I am going through what seems like hell at the moment. (well I try to keep happy etc....)

I have been at the bottom of the liftshaft....hoping someone would pull me out, I have been to AA meetings and got through it all..

At the end of the day we are all just big bags of chemicals.......and one little imbalance can change everything...

Take care.......and stop worrying......take your kids down to the park, feed the ducks..run a bath for for your partner...and wash her back

I cannot do these things anymore.............cos my marriage is almost over...

I have possibly left it too late...

Take care...good luck

JohnB

#3 Anon73

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Posted 07 January 2006 - 11:22 AM

Hi there

Thanks for your response. It all makes sense and I agree that I should stop living my life in the past and let it be.. But sometimes its so hard. Your comment on whether unconditional love actually exists has got me thinking.. maybe it doesnt.. but one way or another I know my fear is rooted in losing the love of a person whether that be conditional or unconditional.

I don't think I could discuss my feelings with my partner as I would feel too exposed. I have discussed them with another person I am close to and it does help to a certain extent but I think all the inner work has to be done by you alone really, others are just there to listen, undertstand and support.

Reading what you have been through has made me realise im not the only one in this situation and that makes me feel supported. Yor positive attitude is inspiring..

I suppose because I have now worked out the root of my fears (and have realised there is an escape from these confusing irrational feelings) I am eager to move on the next stage where I am free from these feelings and they dont haunt me as much so that I am more or less free of the burden of my past. However, I realise that this will take time possibly alot of time. Maybe the answer I am lookng for is to soldier on dealing with them as well as I can when they arise and just be patient......

#4 b_beth

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Posted 25 September 2006 - 08:41 PM

Hi,

You've identified the situations that give you the most problems and why. What you need to do is expose yourself to these situations, feel your freeze, recognise it as your reaction to the earlier situation (that is no longer here) and go through it.

I lost my mum 7.5 years ago and haven't come to terms with it. It turns out that is because I thought she was perfect but she didn't protect me from my father. Everyone was in denial about his anger. Now I shout at her and talk to her but I feel like I am moving forward, grieving for the little frightened child I was and changing the way I am.

Beth