Hi there,
I have been married since 1988...so 17ys. We are both 47 and first met when were 21.
Back in them days I was a bit wild and our relationship only lasted around 10 months. The years went by and I met other girls and eventually met up with Chris in 1987....
We started seeing each other again and quickly got engaged and married the next year. At the time it seemed the right thing to do, although I do not think I was madly in love with her.
The years go by and we get on Ok, do up the house and along come 2 wonderful kids, both girls....now 16 and 15
The last 4 years has seen our marriage falling to pieces to the extent where we both have admitted that we do not love each other any more.
Back in 1998, I was a manager at a company and one of the girls in the office took a shine to me...we hit it off straight away, although it was never anything more that intense friendship. she told me she was in a bad marriage...and that I made her laugh and feel happy etc...
At that time in my life, and for the first time ever.....I knew I was in love.....she was on my mind 24/7
I had never felt that way about anyone.....not even my wife....
We both knew that things would not work out and she left the company 6 months later and she cried buckets...
I was numb.......but I got over her and also left the company in 2001.
Looking back, maybe that was the catalyst that led to our marriage breakdown.
The fact I never really deeply loved my wife and that we had never bonded.
I am now in a no-win situation, I cannot afford to move out, but it is terrible living at home with her. We hardly talk, have slept apart for months, it is all affecting our children who of course side with her...
We have the house up for sale.......but 8 months have gone by and we have no buyer yet.
Friends say we should stay together to try and work things out, but too many things have been said that I feel cannot be undone.
I have not been unfaithful to her......well i suppose I have mentally.
Can a marriage that is so broken be fixed?
She is a wonderful mother to our children.....but never pays me any attention, and OK..I am not the quickest to say sorry and was never a person with the chocolates and flowers...
I have tried discussing things with friends, but it gets back to Chris....that I have been "slagging her off"....
All I did was say the truth....but everyone seems to side with her.
Is it me?
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Stuck in a moment shaky marriage
#2 Guest_Guest today_*
Posted 07 January 2006 - 08:00 PM
Hi John:
17 years is a long time together. It almost sounds like you don't really want to end the marriage?? Like you just don't know how to fix it? And.....like maybe you would end it in a minute.....if that intense love-feeling was suddenly alive again??
Here's what I think:
It takes two to tango. Even if you want to work on improving your relationship with your wife....there is no guarantee that she will respond in same. All you can do is be honest and try. If you expect sparks to fly and fireworks to go off....you will probably end up disappointed. But.......I think it is possible for you to have a deeper emotional connection/relationship........ifffffff........you are both interested.
This means you will have to decide to let yourself be vunerable. I have a feeling it's not something you have done a whole lot of with her. You were emotionally unfaithful, when you were such close "friends" with that woman at work. I'm glad the situation did not go further.
Even if this was never discussed between you and your wife.....do not assume that she was totally blind to the fact that you were/have been investing your emotions elsewhere. People have a strange way of sensing stuff sometimes.
So.....the question is what to do now? First, I think you need to decide what you want? Do you want to stay married? Do you want to feel closer to your wife?
Do you want to end it?
Decide and then......open up. Be vunerable and say: "I want to be closer with you. I feel blankety blankety blank. How do you feel? What would make you happy? Can we work on this together?"
And see what happens, or:
Tell her you want out, as kindly as you can, and begin the work to make that happen. But at least....be honest.
And who the hell cares what other people think? They don't live in your house. The don't live in your brain. They have no idea what you feel or really.....about much else to do with you. So forget who's siding with whom and maybe pick what's most important to you and go for it.
And flowers and chocolate are a lovely idea, by the way, along with: "I'm sorry for the things I've done that hurt you".
You won't die being humble.....if that's what you decide to do in order to open the door to a closer emotional place.
Best of luck,
Guest today
17 years is a long time together. It almost sounds like you don't really want to end the marriage?? Like you just don't know how to fix it? And.....like maybe you would end it in a minute.....if that intense love-feeling was suddenly alive again??
Here's what I think:
It takes two to tango. Even if you want to work on improving your relationship with your wife....there is no guarantee that she will respond in same. All you can do is be honest and try. If you expect sparks to fly and fireworks to go off....you will probably end up disappointed. But.......I think it is possible for you to have a deeper emotional connection/relationship........ifffffff........you are both interested.
This means you will have to decide to let yourself be vunerable. I have a feeling it's not something you have done a whole lot of with her. You were emotionally unfaithful, when you were such close "friends" with that woman at work. I'm glad the situation did not go further.
Even if this was never discussed between you and your wife.....do not assume that she was totally blind to the fact that you were/have been investing your emotions elsewhere. People have a strange way of sensing stuff sometimes.
So.....the question is what to do now? First, I think you need to decide what you want? Do you want to stay married? Do you want to feel closer to your wife?
Do you want to end it?
Decide and then......open up. Be vunerable and say: "I want to be closer with you. I feel blankety blankety blank. How do you feel? What would make you happy? Can we work on this together?"
And see what happens, or:
Tell her you want out, as kindly as you can, and begin the work to make that happen. But at least....be honest.
And who the hell cares what other people think? They don't live in your house. The don't live in your brain. They have no idea what you feel or really.....about much else to do with you. So forget who's siding with whom and maybe pick what's most important to you and go for it.
And flowers and chocolate are a lovely idea, by the way, along with: "I'm sorry for the things I've done that hurt you".
You won't die being humble.....if that's what you decide to do in order to open the door to a closer emotional place.
Best of luck,
Guest today
#3 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 09 January 2006 - 08:21 PM
I am going to tell you my story: married for 26 years but we didn't have enough love between us for years. No one's fault. My ex did her best and I wasn't perfect. Eventually I told my ex that in 3 months I was leaving. I was getting ill. It was terrible for both of us. Then I left basically only with clothes. Lived in a bedsit. Met a most wonderful woman, re.married and had a child. Yes money is short but the love between us is amazing. And my ex found real love with another man. By the way don't be unfaithful it will make things worse.
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