[Anon73]

Hi

I have read Ben's book and I am finding the logical arguements presented very helpful when I relate them to my own behaviour and emotions. However, I wanted some advice and ideas on practical techniques from others who have read the book and are trying to implement what Ben says in their daily lives.

For example, I had an arguement with my husband about going to visit his parents for afew hours. I know it sounds stupid but I did not want to go and felt absolutely terrified of going. I just could not cope with an unexpected visit as as it hadn't been planned weeks ago and I had not mentally prepared myself for the meeting. I knew this huge fear I felt was as a result of past truama resulting in the inability to feel comfortable in a loving intimate situation. I knew why I was reacting the way I was and that I was projecting my past repressed emotions on this present unrelated situation that was not linked in any way. But I just could not stop myself from doing it during the conversation/argument. I argued with him saying stupid things that didnt make sense. I got angry with him for making me miserable and all the while I knew I was projecting.

I know that I have done tremendously well with my personal development as about a year ago I would not even have recognised or be aware of the fact I was projecting during such an arguement. I also know it is going to be a long and challenging journey. What I need is some quick mantras/ideas to go over in my head when I know that I am projecting. Something that is going to make me understand quickly why I am reacting in such a way and hopefully stops me to behaving strangely. I know that projecting can never be stopped altogether but understanding it quickly will help me deal with it in a logical adult manner.

Ben's excellent book is heavy on theory and although the essential practice guidelines are excellent i feel there is too much there to be thinking in the heat of the moment?!!

I have started to try the following which works to keep me calm on some occasions. This is what I think to myself when I know that I am projecting...

1. I feel XXXX ie angry, sad etc
2. I need to feel this emotion as my unconscious mind is helping me to thaw and heal my past trauma.
3. I feel like this because XXX happened in the past.
4. This feeling is related to my past. I need to feel it and let it go.
5. This feeling is not related to my present situation which is safe and full of love.

Other than walk out the house and dont come back for 5 hours!! Thats all I have!!

Does anyone else have any advice on practical techniques....?

Thanks

[Benjamin Fry]

The lack of response perhaps indicates how difficult this is!

In a nutshell, you are asking for the secret of happiness, since if you can let go of your resistance to minding about your projections, life will quickly become a much easier experience.

The technique you outline is about as good as it gets. I would add to that that you can also explain to others (if possible in the moment) what you believe to be happening for you. So, in the example you give, you can admit during the argument that you are not able to think clearly or be rational because you are so overwhelmed by feelings from the past that this issue is bringing up. This may make it easier for the other person and also therefore easier for you.

Ultimately what you have to master is the difference between experiencing a projection, and minding about experiencing a projection. It is the resistance to our feelings that causing the real discomfort and suffering. If you were able to go with the flow (like the visit to the in-laws) and just accept your feelings (not pretend to be fine) then you become like an observer of your own reality, rather than someone trying to fight to recreate it. That is the ultimate goal, but it is a very hard one to reach. Reminding yourself of the points that you list, and therefore that this is normal and you are safe, is the absolutely best way to start.