I and my partner are extremely worried about my partner's son, and regardless of tact, language or tone, we are finding it hard to get the message through to him that he needs to deal with his weight problem. We are beginning to feel helpless as to what to do, and sadly think that without acting soon he will begin to seriously suffer ill health if he doesn't change.
To explain a little... let's call him John, he's 18 years old, an intelligent young man with a sensible head as far as social activities (i.e. occasional drinking / no drugs / non smoker). He's just started university studying Journalism based in Cornwall, and his friends back here in Sussex are probably the nicest bunch of teenagers I've ever met. But the weight problem is something that he's had for many years and he has not had much in the way of role models to encourage him to change. He's not had the easiest of times... many house moves over the years, changes of custody from mother to father at a young age, and has seen his father go through several relationships (one particularly destructive that resulted in John attempting suicide). However, despite this, he's come through this the other side and is a lot happier now that his father is in a healthy relationship with me..
I've been in this family for about 8 months now... and since John has gone to university we are starting to see some of my good work undone as far as routine and diet are concerned. I do all of the cooking in the house, I cook extremely healthily... virtually no meat, lots of fresh organic produce, fresh fish, no pre-packaged or processed foods, and I vary the menu to ensure we are not over or under-stocking on particular vitamins, minerals and proteins. Proof being in the pudding so to speak.. John's father (my partner) has lost nearly 4 stone in weight just from eating regular super-healthy meals and avoiding beer. John's father actually eats twice as much now as he did when he was overweight... so I can categorically say that's it's most definitely quality and not quantity of food that dictates your weight and general disposition.
But with John I really don't know what to do any more. I saw some real improvement in John's weight, skin condition and attitude when he was living at home and eating what I was putting on the table, but now he's at uni he's eating chips and pasta and junk every night, and stuffing whole tubs of ice-cream into him at 3 in the morning. I'd guess he's now at about 18 or 19 stone, maybe more, and despite being 6'2" it's still obvious that the weight is piling on. It's soul destroying to see him come home looking terrible, bigger than ever and with bad skin which are sure signs of bad diet. It's even more soul destroying that despite everything I've done, said, and fed him at home, that he (in his own words) doesn't care about his weight and insists on not talking about it at all (or he becomes very defensive, then upset, then closes off completely). No amount of describing the problems he faces in the future (however tactfully done) prompts him to admit that there's a problem.
I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to approach John about this. I know there are some underlying issues that have contributed to his lack of care about his weight, but to be perfectly frank, the weight has always been there because his dad and previous partners fed him a poor diet and did not encourage him to exercise. I'm convinced that it was ignorance on the part of his mother and father in the beginning that caused the weight problem, and now that John is an independent young man, he's conditioned to eating and living a certain way, despite my best efforts to lead by example. He knows he's got a problem, and he has learned a few things from me about food that he's continued with... but we're 400 miles away now and can't oversee what he's doing whatsoever.
How do I go about getting John to acknowledge what he is doing to himself, and find some inspiration to learn about how to change? What would you suggest?
Best Regards, Alyson.
Page 1 of 1
Getting someone else to recognise their problem Weight, Diet and Lifestyle issues
#2 Guest_Alyson_*
Posted 03 January 2006 - 08:32 PM
Hey there Spiritwalker...
Thank you for your comments... I really appreciate the insight from somebody who has gone through this from the point of view of the person with the issue to deal with. It's a good reminder to tell me that sometimes how people perceive you can be hurtful if the focus is on the exterior and not the interior. I hope I can reassure you that, despite my short time being involved in the family (i.e. in a relationship with John's father), I've made a concerted effort to concentrate on getting to know people rather than taking over and dictating their home life. The very fact that I've become so involved in their lives so deeply in such a short space of time is a reflection of the trust that both John and his father have put in me.
I perhaps have come across as being quite controlling, and negative about John's weight problem... but I think more often than not I've tried to be the positive influence in his life where his father can be the negative one. There have been many pep talks that I've had with John's father to tell him to be more encouraging and less like it's a telling off. Factor in their Northern Irish (Belfast) culture (sarcasm comes as standard) and attitudes to food (if you've ever had an Ulster Fry-up you'll know what I'm talking about), and it's been an uphill battle to even get them to eat vegetables let alone get them to learn how to cook them properly.
I try to lead by example... I don't go overboard on explaining the good the bad and the ugly about it, just put stuff on the table that tastes 100 times better than junk and doesn't do anybody any harm. I try to praise John wherever possible.. get him involved in making decisions about food (i.e. what do you want for dinner... then whatever it is try to cook a healthy version of it so he can see how it can really be done). And by healthy, I don't mean 'low fat'... I mean healthy as in wholegrain foods and fresh produce... not processed 'reduced fat' (increased sugar) rubbish from the supermarkets.
I think you are right that perhaps some of this is comfort eating... we've found empty ice cream tubs and sweet wrappers hidden in the rubbish bag in his room. But does he actually acknowledge that these things are bad for him? He's a smart kid.. and I'm sure he knows what's good and bad for him.
Did you eat stuff that was bad for you knowing that it was bad for you? Did you do it deliberately? Was that an act of defiance for being ribbed about your weight for many years... i.e. "I'm overweight... that's all you can see... so I'll keep eating because you don't care about me as a person, just about whether I'm fat or not"?
I'd really appreciate some more feedback from you (or anyone else interested in this subject). You said that it was you that decided that You wanted to make the change... but what was it that inspired you to change? Was it something you saw, something that somebody said? Was it something that you wanted to do but couldn't if you stayed the way you were?
I'm looking forward to your replies.
Alyson.
Thank you for your comments... I really appreciate the insight from somebody who has gone through this from the point of view of the person with the issue to deal with. It's a good reminder to tell me that sometimes how people perceive you can be hurtful if the focus is on the exterior and not the interior. I hope I can reassure you that, despite my short time being involved in the family (i.e. in a relationship with John's father), I've made a concerted effort to concentrate on getting to know people rather than taking over and dictating their home life. The very fact that I've become so involved in their lives so deeply in such a short space of time is a reflection of the trust that both John and his father have put in me.
I perhaps have come across as being quite controlling, and negative about John's weight problem... but I think more often than not I've tried to be the positive influence in his life where his father can be the negative one. There have been many pep talks that I've had with John's father to tell him to be more encouraging and less like it's a telling off. Factor in their Northern Irish (Belfast) culture (sarcasm comes as standard) and attitudes to food (if you've ever had an Ulster Fry-up you'll know what I'm talking about), and it's been an uphill battle to even get them to eat vegetables let alone get them to learn how to cook them properly.
I try to lead by example... I don't go overboard on explaining the good the bad and the ugly about it, just put stuff on the table that tastes 100 times better than junk and doesn't do anybody any harm. I try to praise John wherever possible.. get him involved in making decisions about food (i.e. what do you want for dinner... then whatever it is try to cook a healthy version of it so he can see how it can really be done). And by healthy, I don't mean 'low fat'... I mean healthy as in wholegrain foods and fresh produce... not processed 'reduced fat' (increased sugar) rubbish from the supermarkets.
I think you are right that perhaps some of this is comfort eating... we've found empty ice cream tubs and sweet wrappers hidden in the rubbish bag in his room. But does he actually acknowledge that these things are bad for him? He's a smart kid.. and I'm sure he knows what's good and bad for him.
Did you eat stuff that was bad for you knowing that it was bad for you? Did you do it deliberately? Was that an act of defiance for being ribbed about your weight for many years... i.e. "I'm overweight... that's all you can see... so I'll keep eating because you don't care about me as a person, just about whether I'm fat or not"?
I'd really appreciate some more feedback from you (or anyone else interested in this subject). You said that it was you that decided that You wanted to make the change... but what was it that inspired you to change? Was it something you saw, something that somebody said? Was it something that you wanted to do but couldn't if you stayed the way you were?
I'm looking forward to your replies.
Alyson.
#3
Sherri 
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Posted 03 January 2006 - 08:42 PM
Bravo, Spiritwalker! And thank you for such eloquent and insightful sharing.
Dear Alyson,
Over weight is often not the problem, but more likely the result of his years of emotional suffering. The fact that he does not consider it a problem is just like him saying that the problem is elsewhere. It is going to take some time, effort and patience to have that taken care of, before he would consider his weight situation worth more attention. Or maybe by then, the weight issue would start disappearing as well.
There is another matter that caught my attention. That is your enthusiasm regarding over weight and seemingly coincidence relating/involving over weight people. For example, you said ìI cook extremely healthily...î etc. I could be wrong to think that it has any significance. So, please ignore me if this does not apply. But if you could understand why you need to go extreme with healthy diet, it might help to ease some of that anxiousness in you regarding Johnís weight issue, and pay more attention to what might be truly bothering him. Hopefully your kind intention would be more effective once you change the angle of approach.
Benjaminís book could be a great help in understanding and processing our emotional reactions to our environment.
Best wishes.
Sherri
Dear Alyson,
Over weight is often not the problem, but more likely the result of his years of emotional suffering. The fact that he does not consider it a problem is just like him saying that the problem is elsewhere. It is going to take some time, effort and patience to have that taken care of, before he would consider his weight situation worth more attention. Or maybe by then, the weight issue would start disappearing as well.
There is another matter that caught my attention. That is your enthusiasm regarding over weight and seemingly coincidence relating/involving over weight people. For example, you said ìI cook extremely healthily...î etc. I could be wrong to think that it has any significance. So, please ignore me if this does not apply. But if you could understand why you need to go extreme with healthy diet, it might help to ease some of that anxiousness in you regarding Johnís weight issue, and pay more attention to what might be truly bothering him. Hopefully your kind intention would be more effective once you change the angle of approach.
Benjaminís book could be a great help in understanding and processing our emotional reactions to our environment.
Best wishes.
Sherri
#4 Guest_Alyson_*
Posted 03 January 2006 - 09:42 PM
Hi Sherri,
I understand what you are saying about my own fixation with healthy diet.... but there's no underlying anxiousness about my perception of other people in terms of weight, only health. I'm skinny, have been all my life, and it's largely metabolism and genetic traits (most of my family equally of slim build). I don't care for beauty products, or make-up, nor do I obsess about looking like what society tells me I should be, and I most definitely don't encourage anybody else to live like that.
But John is 18 years old, not 30 as I am. He's an adult but only in years. He's still a child in the context of life.. I've had the chance to learn for myself and thankfully I've turned out alright. I'm sure he will too, but he's got a much greater disadvantage that I ever had. His size is stopping him doing things that everybody else can do with ease. He's out of breath walking to the end of the road... this is affecting his ability to work, study, live.... he'll be housebound by the time he's my age if he carries on like this.
John has been spoilt... given whatever he wants (treats, sweets, fatty foods), because his parent's didn't know any better... you see families all over the country doing it... there's even television programmes about it. So I know I'm not being out of order by saying that some of this is partly because of not being taught by example, that these things aren't good for you in excess. I acknowledge that some of this is emotional response, but the root, in my mind, is being shown a bad example from early age. The problem now, is that as he gets older, and has to deal with ever increasing pressures of being an independent young man, that when it gets too scary or too much for him, he turns to food instead of trying to deal with the actual problem itself. I think that all of these things are intrinsically linked, and trying to separate them is almost impossible, without John actually coming to terms with 1) the weight problem, and 2) the other issues that are troubling him.
Going back to the food thing for a moment... I don't want to come across as being some sort of Gillian McKieth type food fanatic... more so that I bothered to learn a little about what's in my food and as a result I chose to stop eating junk. I feel better for eating real foods, and so does my partner. We still eat pizza and drink wine and eat chocolate, but it's all in context. It's not every day and night. It's once a fortnight, or once a month we'll have fish and chips... but as I said.. it's in context. Some bad is actually good for you, but when you're doing it all the time, then it's most definitely bad!
This is the message that I want to get across to John more than anything.. it's not about weight.. it's about having a bit more respect for yourself. I have changed my eating habits from doing exactly what he is doing, to doing something quite radically different, not because I wanted to gain or lose weight, but because I want to give myself the best possible chance at enjoying the life that I have on this earth.
If anyone can find a way of saying that without coming across as some sort of preaching-goodie-know-it-all... please post a response!
Alyson.
I understand what you are saying about my own fixation with healthy diet.... but there's no underlying anxiousness about my perception of other people in terms of weight, only health. I'm skinny, have been all my life, and it's largely metabolism and genetic traits (most of my family equally of slim build). I don't care for beauty products, or make-up, nor do I obsess about looking like what society tells me I should be, and I most definitely don't encourage anybody else to live like that.
But John is 18 years old, not 30 as I am. He's an adult but only in years. He's still a child in the context of life.. I've had the chance to learn for myself and thankfully I've turned out alright. I'm sure he will too, but he's got a much greater disadvantage that I ever had. His size is stopping him doing things that everybody else can do with ease. He's out of breath walking to the end of the road... this is affecting his ability to work, study, live.... he'll be housebound by the time he's my age if he carries on like this.
John has been spoilt... given whatever he wants (treats, sweets, fatty foods), because his parent's didn't know any better... you see families all over the country doing it... there's even television programmes about it. So I know I'm not being out of order by saying that some of this is partly because of not being taught by example, that these things aren't good for you in excess. I acknowledge that some of this is emotional response, but the root, in my mind, is being shown a bad example from early age. The problem now, is that as he gets older, and has to deal with ever increasing pressures of being an independent young man, that when it gets too scary or too much for him, he turns to food instead of trying to deal with the actual problem itself. I think that all of these things are intrinsically linked, and trying to separate them is almost impossible, without John actually coming to terms with 1) the weight problem, and 2) the other issues that are troubling him.
Going back to the food thing for a moment... I don't want to come across as being some sort of Gillian McKieth type food fanatic... more so that I bothered to learn a little about what's in my food and as a result I chose to stop eating junk. I feel better for eating real foods, and so does my partner. We still eat pizza and drink wine and eat chocolate, but it's all in context. It's not every day and night. It's once a fortnight, or once a month we'll have fish and chips... but as I said.. it's in context. Some bad is actually good for you, but when you're doing it all the time, then it's most definitely bad!
This is the message that I want to get across to John more than anything.. it's not about weight.. it's about having a bit more respect for yourself. I have changed my eating habits from doing exactly what he is doing, to doing something quite radically different, not because I wanted to gain or lose weight, but because I want to give myself the best possible chance at enjoying the life that I have on this earth.
If anyone can find a way of saying that without coming across as some sort of preaching-goodie-know-it-all... please post a response!
Alyson.
#5
spiritwalker
- Newbie
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- Posts: 2
- Joined: 03-January 06
Posted 03 January 2006 - 11:28 PM
Hi Alyson,
Glad I was able to help a little.
It was rather much the same for me. My family had the most horrific ideas about what constitutes a healthy diet. This was the 70's so I suppose that excuses them slightly. Everything was fried in lard, I had never heard of wholemeal bread and was told most fruit was fattening.Red meat was a feature in most meals and so were pies and cakes. Unfortunately we were expected to be quiet and still as kids so I never burnt anything off.I was constantly looked at in disgust and told how fat I was even though I wasn't responsible for the food (I use the term loosely) I was served. My mother used to make me eat Limits bars- they were supposedly a dietry aid, at age 7 and I was also forced to drink glasses of PLJ - a rather disgusting pure lemon "cordial" in the mistaken belief that it would dissolve my fat.Why a grown woman would believe such a crazed idea is beyond me.
Yes, I loved chocolate. Probably because it is delicious and probably because I wasn't allowed any.Easter times my skinny sister would be bought loads of easter eggs, while I would be given oranges. Hardly a fair compromise. I was advised by my Grandmother to only eat half of what was on my plate, however this meant I would be hungry so I didn't take her advice. The more I was deprived of food (to me it symbolised being deprived of love) and shamed about my appearance the more resentful and alone I felt. Looking back I feel that my family were probably dysfunctional in many ways and I was a handy scapegoat.
I was very pleased that you incorporated healthy eating into the whole family and not just focussed on one person as is what happened in my case.
"we've found empty ice cream tubs and sweet wrappers hidden in the rubbish bag in his room. But does he actually acknowledge that these things are bad for him?"
I'd say rather he realises that you think they are bad for him, he still enjoys them and having to hide them must add to his probable feelings of guilt (and maybe failure)
Because he doesn't follow a healthy diet it doesn't mean he doesn't care or is happy with his appearance.Itmeans he is stuck in a rut however it has to be his choice to get out of it. He may have stuck to a healthy diet while at home, however it may have been because he had no choice if he wasn't cooking for himself.
The reason I finally decided to lose weight? I don't really remember any one significant factor. I was never happy with the way I looked and always dreamed of being slimmer but the more I was harassed about my weight, the less I tried. I don't like being told what to do, no-one does.I also didn't really think I could do it.
First of all I went on a stupid crash diet and made myself ill. Then I changed my whole eating plan and bought my own foods - skimmed milk, low fat spread, wholemeal bread, baked potatoes, salad and fish. It took me a year but I lost 5 stone. The problem then was I couldn't stop and I wanted to be thinner and thinner. Maybe subconsciously I wanted my family to say that I was too thin and to tell me to eat, but even when they did it was as though their regard for me still stemmed from what weight I was.I did go through a sort of eating disorder where I didn't think I deserved to eat so got dangerously thin.Getting pregnant with my son saved me, however even though I am a healthy size I still feel I am too focussed on what weight I am.I still feel like a fat, ugly pig.
Your partner's son is only 18. If as you say he is a smart lad, I am sure he knows what is good for him and what isn't. It must be hard to stand back and watch him pile on weight after all your hard work, but you don't really have a choice.It's so important he is given love, confidence and acceptance for who he is not what he looks like. I understand and respect your reasons for your healthy eating plan but they are your choices not John's. I also think it may be a mistake to see that being overweight means you don't have any respect for yourself.John may well see it as you not having any respect for him. I know you care about him and his health, but could you not care in a more constructive way by just supporting him and his choice to do what he wants, even if you don't agree with it, whatever his weight?
I just see that you aren't going anywhere with this and you may run the risk of alientaing John and causing yourself anxiety. It's tough but we have to let others find their own way, even if it isn't OUR way.
Kind regards
Spiritwalker
Glad I was able to help a little.
It was rather much the same for me. My family had the most horrific ideas about what constitutes a healthy diet. This was the 70's so I suppose that excuses them slightly. Everything was fried in lard, I had never heard of wholemeal bread and was told most fruit was fattening.Red meat was a feature in most meals and so were pies and cakes. Unfortunately we were expected to be quiet and still as kids so I never burnt anything off.I was constantly looked at in disgust and told how fat I was even though I wasn't responsible for the food (I use the term loosely) I was served. My mother used to make me eat Limits bars- they were supposedly a dietry aid, at age 7 and I was also forced to drink glasses of PLJ - a rather disgusting pure lemon "cordial" in the mistaken belief that it would dissolve my fat.Why a grown woman would believe such a crazed idea is beyond me.
Yes, I loved chocolate. Probably because it is delicious and probably because I wasn't allowed any.Easter times my skinny sister would be bought loads of easter eggs, while I would be given oranges. Hardly a fair compromise. I was advised by my Grandmother to only eat half of what was on my plate, however this meant I would be hungry so I didn't take her advice. The more I was deprived of food (to me it symbolised being deprived of love) and shamed about my appearance the more resentful and alone I felt. Looking back I feel that my family were probably dysfunctional in many ways and I was a handy scapegoat.
I was very pleased that you incorporated healthy eating into the whole family and not just focussed on one person as is what happened in my case.
"we've found empty ice cream tubs and sweet wrappers hidden in the rubbish bag in his room. But does he actually acknowledge that these things are bad for him?"
I'd say rather he realises that you think they are bad for him, he still enjoys them and having to hide them must add to his probable feelings of guilt (and maybe failure)
Because he doesn't follow a healthy diet it doesn't mean he doesn't care or is happy with his appearance.Itmeans he is stuck in a rut however it has to be his choice to get out of it. He may have stuck to a healthy diet while at home, however it may have been because he had no choice if he wasn't cooking for himself.
The reason I finally decided to lose weight? I don't really remember any one significant factor. I was never happy with the way I looked and always dreamed of being slimmer but the more I was harassed about my weight, the less I tried. I don't like being told what to do, no-one does.I also didn't really think I could do it.
First of all I went on a stupid crash diet and made myself ill. Then I changed my whole eating plan and bought my own foods - skimmed milk, low fat spread, wholemeal bread, baked potatoes, salad and fish. It took me a year but I lost 5 stone. The problem then was I couldn't stop and I wanted to be thinner and thinner. Maybe subconsciously I wanted my family to say that I was too thin and to tell me to eat, but even when they did it was as though their regard for me still stemmed from what weight I was.I did go through a sort of eating disorder where I didn't think I deserved to eat so got dangerously thin.Getting pregnant with my son saved me, however even though I am a healthy size I still feel I am too focussed on what weight I am.I still feel like a fat, ugly pig.
Your partner's son is only 18. If as you say he is a smart lad, I am sure he knows what is good for him and what isn't. It must be hard to stand back and watch him pile on weight after all your hard work, but you don't really have a choice.It's so important he is given love, confidence and acceptance for who he is not what he looks like. I understand and respect your reasons for your healthy eating plan but they are your choices not John's. I also think it may be a mistake to see that being overweight means you don't have any respect for yourself.John may well see it as you not having any respect for him. I know you care about him and his health, but could you not care in a more constructive way by just supporting him and his choice to do what he wants, even if you don't agree with it, whatever his weight?
I just see that you aren't going anywhere with this and you may run the risk of alientaing John and causing yourself anxiety. It's tough but we have to let others find their own way, even if it isn't OUR way.
Kind regards
Spiritwalker
#6 Guest_Alyson_*
Posted 04 January 2006 - 03:03 AM
Hi Spiritwalker,
Again, thank you for your very useful comments and insights. I'm finding this a very useful exercise, not only to understand other people's points of view, but also to deal with the feelings that I and my partner are having about the situation, in that, perhaps we cannot be wholly responsible for what John is presently doing, even though we feel we ought to.
I guess you are right... all we can do is be supportive, and try not to alienate the poor lad in the process. I will always feel like there's something that should be done, and perhaps that's just the natural reaction when you care about someone and find it hard to stand back and watch them do things that you don't understand or agree with.
I will also, always argue, that if certain people in my life hadn't given me a strong talking to about things that I was doing, I wouldn't be here today to tell the story. Sometimes you don't want to hear things that are hurtful, that relate to something you're doing on a personal level, but with the benefit of hindsight you do eventually realise that that person was only saying what they did to help you (even if their delivery wasn't the best)!
I will take on board everything that you have said. I appreciate that you've spent time to write replies to my posts, and I can't thank you enough for that.
Best Regards,
Alyson.
Again, thank you for your very useful comments and insights. I'm finding this a very useful exercise, not only to understand other people's points of view, but also to deal with the feelings that I and my partner are having about the situation, in that, perhaps we cannot be wholly responsible for what John is presently doing, even though we feel we ought to.
I guess you are right... all we can do is be supportive, and try not to alienate the poor lad in the process. I will always feel like there's something that should be done, and perhaps that's just the natural reaction when you care about someone and find it hard to stand back and watch them do things that you don't understand or agree with.
I will also, always argue, that if certain people in my life hadn't given me a strong talking to about things that I was doing, I wouldn't be here today to tell the story. Sometimes you don't want to hear things that are hurtful, that relate to something you're doing on a personal level, but with the benefit of hindsight you do eventually realise that that person was only saying what they did to help you (even if their delivery wasn't the best)!
I will take on board everything that you have said. I appreciate that you've spent time to write replies to my posts, and I can't thank you enough for that.
Best Regards,
Alyson.
#7 Guest_DC_*
Posted 05 January 2006 - 03:07 PM
Hi Alyson,
Just a thought: overeating, lack of concern for the obvious health issues, attempting suicide, all point to a self-destruction issue. I wonder if John's needs aren't being met and he is attempting to solace himself with food.
Sure the poor eating and exercise habits instilled in him are a portion of the problem but basically this seems to be a kid crying out for help. Focusing on his symptoms isn't the answer. When he discovers why he is using food as a coping mechanism, the weight will come off.
He is lucky to have a caring mother figure in you. He needs help to understand that the mistakes made by the adults in his life weren't his fault. The best way you may be able to assist him is by encouraging him to seek counseling to work on repairing the damage done to him as a child.
Best wishes, D.
Just a thought: overeating, lack of concern for the obvious health issues, attempting suicide, all point to a self-destruction issue. I wonder if John's needs aren't being met and he is attempting to solace himself with food.
Sure the poor eating and exercise habits instilled in him are a portion of the problem but basically this seems to be a kid crying out for help. Focusing on his symptoms isn't the answer. When he discovers why he is using food as a coping mechanism, the weight will come off.
He is lucky to have a caring mother figure in you. He needs help to understand that the mistakes made by the adults in his life weren't his fault. The best way you may be able to assist him is by encouraging him to seek counseling to work on repairing the damage done to him as a child.
Best wishes, D.
#8 Guest_Alyson_*
Posted 05 January 2006 - 05:40 PM
Hi DC,
Thank you for your comments. I can see how things must look to someone looking in. I agree that all of these things seem to point to John making a cry for help, which I do agree with.
I do have to say though, that the suicide thing was in desperation to how he was being treated by my partner's previous girlfriend... she herself was off the rails because of her own addictions.... to morphine patches which she was tearing open and eating to get high (these were prescribed to help her cope with pain from pancreatitis). Turns out that she also got through nearly £50,000 in cocaine and heroine over a period of a few months, and her mental state was often being taken out on John, my partner and her own daughter who was living with them. The aftermath of dealing with all of that has put tremendous stress on everyone. John had councelling after this and it most definitely helped.
I feel that more councelling could be beneficial, but again, maybe that might be opening old wounds so to speak. I think, as some other people have suggested in their posts, that what John needs is to just get some good old fashioned family love and security put around him, take the focus off the weight thing and concentrate more on building trust, so he feels happier about home life (when he is here)! We had a good talk just last night, and I explained to him that both me and his father aren't here to judge, just to care and be there to help out, whether the circumstances are good or bad. I hope that that will help him realise that he doesn't have to deal with everything on his own, and that even things that he thinks we might go mad over are actually not that bad at all.... he seemed to take that on board
Again, thank you for your post... I'm taking everything that you all are saying with an unbiased approach, to try and understand how others feel, and perhaps change my own approach to find the best possible solution for all.
Best Regards,
Alyson.
Thank you for your comments. I can see how things must look to someone looking in. I agree that all of these things seem to point to John making a cry for help, which I do agree with.
I do have to say though, that the suicide thing was in desperation to how he was being treated by my partner's previous girlfriend... she herself was off the rails because of her own addictions.... to morphine patches which she was tearing open and eating to get high (these were prescribed to help her cope with pain from pancreatitis). Turns out that she also got through nearly £50,000 in cocaine and heroine over a period of a few months, and her mental state was often being taken out on John, my partner and her own daughter who was living with them. The aftermath of dealing with all of that has put tremendous stress on everyone. John had councelling after this and it most definitely helped.
I feel that more councelling could be beneficial, but again, maybe that might be opening old wounds so to speak. I think, as some other people have suggested in their posts, that what John needs is to just get some good old fashioned family love and security put around him, take the focus off the weight thing and concentrate more on building trust, so he feels happier about home life (when he is here)! We had a good talk just last night, and I explained to him that both me and his father aren't here to judge, just to care and be there to help out, whether the circumstances are good or bad. I hope that that will help him realise that he doesn't have to deal with everything on his own, and that even things that he thinks we might go mad over are actually not that bad at all.... he seemed to take that on board
Again, thank you for your post... I'm taking everything that you all are saying with an unbiased approach, to try and understand how others feel, and perhaps change my own approach to find the best possible solution for all.
Best Regards,
Alyson.
#9 Guest_Guest_beth_*
Posted 24 February 2006 - 02:15 PM
Alyson,
Can you get him to open up a bit in a general discussion about how people feel? From your posts I gather he is a bit overweight, unkept and doesn't seem to care for himself.
When I went off to university I was overweight, unkempt, wore glasses and even went through a period where my personal hygience went to the wall. In retrospect I can see how this all related to being hurt over and over and over again by those closest to me, primarily my father. In these situations being a bit unattractive and unkempt works because it physically and psychologically keeps people out. If they are outside they can't hurt you. I think I was also a bit depressed. It is hard when your family are not huggy people but are sarcastic. Nobody ever seems to explain that if they are highly critical people it points to them not being happy with themselves.
It constantly amazes me that when we have family discussions about childhood my father will say he never felt good enough (I suspect he still doesn't), my brother says he felt worthless and I've had problems with eating disorders. The penny still doesn't seem to drop.
I do think the focus needs to get away from food. If you could get him to assertiveness classes or to undertake an activity he has always wanted to do but never had the courage you would be moving in the right direction. Food is not the problem just the symptom. He needs to like himself.
The other simple trick of 10 things he likes about himself or others like about him always seems to work well. 10 'I am...' statements e.g. I am intelligent, I am witty. He needs to put them up by a mirror and repeat them each morning.
Beth
Can you get him to open up a bit in a general discussion about how people feel? From your posts I gather he is a bit overweight, unkept and doesn't seem to care for himself.
When I went off to university I was overweight, unkempt, wore glasses and even went through a period where my personal hygience went to the wall. In retrospect I can see how this all related to being hurt over and over and over again by those closest to me, primarily my father. In these situations being a bit unattractive and unkempt works because it physically and psychologically keeps people out. If they are outside they can't hurt you. I think I was also a bit depressed. It is hard when your family are not huggy people but are sarcastic. Nobody ever seems to explain that if they are highly critical people it points to them not being happy with themselves.
It constantly amazes me that when we have family discussions about childhood my father will say he never felt good enough (I suspect he still doesn't), my brother says he felt worthless and I've had problems with eating disorders. The penny still doesn't seem to drop.
I do think the focus needs to get away from food. If you could get him to assertiveness classes or to undertake an activity he has always wanted to do but never had the courage you would be moving in the right direction. Food is not the problem just the symptom. He needs to like himself.
The other simple trick of 10 things he likes about himself or others like about him always seems to work well. 10 'I am...' statements e.g. I am intelligent, I am witty. He needs to put them up by a mirror and repeat them each morning.
Beth
#10 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 28 February 2006 - 04:49 PM
Tuesday 16.24pm Tuesday 28th February uk
Hi Beth, I read your post to Alyson with interest. Like you, I was hurt over and over and over again by my father and I have never gotten over it. It would be right to describe his behaviour as emotional abuse. Probably as a result, I eat junk food all the time. I know it is no good for me and will greatly affect my health etc but when I see a chocolate bar or whatever else in a shop, I see it as a drug to kill the pain that I have got inside me! As I said to my mum, its equivalent to taking a pill to stop an headache. Only I take the "pill" or drug, several times a day and the weight keeps piling on. I see your point about being a bit unkempt and unattractive and the fact that it physically and psychologically keeps people out. As you say, if they are outside, they cant hurt you. My people are not huggy people either - never have been. And my dad was the most critical person I have ever met! I agree. probably dad was never happy with himself.
For me, quite apart from the long term effects of emotional abuse, I have got problems with my marriage as a result of dads behaviour and nearly lost my kids too as I was, when they were a lot younger, treating them the way my dad did me. Thankfully, I saw the error of my ways and have been correcting myself ever since.
The other side of this story is my attraction to another woman which I have posted about on here. I feel that I have now found the answer to that situation too. According to another website, My dad left me feeling worthless and like I had no right to be here. This woman makes me feel like I matter and that I am important and worthy etc etc. And this is what I find attractive in her. The fact that she makes me feel good.
So with all this in mind, I too am putting on weight and likely making myself ill too. But I cannot seem to stop myself. Its like I am on a mission of self destruction. I wouldnt mind but I am 48 years old!!!! Other people would take drugs or go out drinking and get drunk whilst others would enjoy cigarettes. Some even go out spending - I can do too but am more likely to rely on junk food to act as my emotional anaesthetic.
I would like to know how do I stop being in self destruct mode, once and for all. Has anyone out there got any ideas.
Many thanks for listening.
Take care
Shirley
Hi Beth, I read your post to Alyson with interest. Like you, I was hurt over and over and over again by my father and I have never gotten over it. It would be right to describe his behaviour as emotional abuse. Probably as a result, I eat junk food all the time. I know it is no good for me and will greatly affect my health etc but when I see a chocolate bar or whatever else in a shop, I see it as a drug to kill the pain that I have got inside me! As I said to my mum, its equivalent to taking a pill to stop an headache. Only I take the "pill" or drug, several times a day and the weight keeps piling on. I see your point about being a bit unkempt and unattractive and the fact that it physically and psychologically keeps people out. As you say, if they are outside, they cant hurt you. My people are not huggy people either - never have been. And my dad was the most critical person I have ever met! I agree. probably dad was never happy with himself.
For me, quite apart from the long term effects of emotional abuse, I have got problems with my marriage as a result of dads behaviour and nearly lost my kids too as I was, when they were a lot younger, treating them the way my dad did me. Thankfully, I saw the error of my ways and have been correcting myself ever since.
The other side of this story is my attraction to another woman which I have posted about on here. I feel that I have now found the answer to that situation too. According to another website, My dad left me feeling worthless and like I had no right to be here. This woman makes me feel like I matter and that I am important and worthy etc etc. And this is what I find attractive in her. The fact that she makes me feel good.
So with all this in mind, I too am putting on weight and likely making myself ill too. But I cannot seem to stop myself. Its like I am on a mission of self destruction. I wouldnt mind but I am 48 years old!!!! Other people would take drugs or go out drinking and get drunk whilst others would enjoy cigarettes. Some even go out spending - I can do too but am more likely to rely on junk food to act as my emotional anaesthetic.
I would like to know how do I stop being in self destruct mode, once and for all. Has anyone out there got any ideas.
Many thanks for listening.
Take care
Shirley
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