Getting someone else to recognise their problem

I and my partner are extremely worried about my partner's son, and regardless of tact, language or tone, we are finding it hard to get the message through to him that he needs to deal with his weight problem. We are beginning to feel helpless as to what to do, and sadly think that without acting soon he will begin to seriously suffer ill health if he doesn't change.

To explain a little... let's call him John, he's 18 years old, an intelligent young man with a sensible head as far as social activities (i.e. occasional drinking / no drugs / non smoker). He's just started university studying Journalism based in Cornwall, and his friends back here in Sussex are probably the nicest bunch of teenagers I've ever met. But the weight problem is something that he's had for many years and he has not had much in the way of role models to encourage him to change. He's not had the easiest of times... many house moves over the years, changes of custody from mother to father at a young age, and has seen his father go through several relationships (one particularly destructive that resulted in John attempting suicide). However, despite this, he's come through this the other side and is a lot happier now that his father is in a healthy relationship with me..

I've been in this family for about 8 months now... and since John has gone to university we are starting to see some of my good work undone as far as routine and diet are concerned. I do all of the cooking in the house, I cook extremely healthily... virtually no meat, lots of fresh organic produce, fresh fish, no pre-packaged or processed foods, and I vary the menu to ensure we are not over or under-stocking on particular vitamins, minerals and proteins. Proof being in the pudding so to speak.. John's father (my partner) has lost nearly 4 stone in weight just from eating regular super-healthy meals and avoiding beer. John's father actually eats twice as much now as he did when he was overweight... so I can categorically say that's it's most definitely quality and not quantity of food that dictates your weight and general disposition.

But with John I really don't know what to do any more. I saw some real improvement in John's weight, skin condition and attitude when he was living at home and eating what I was putting on the table, but now he's at uni he's eating chips and pasta and junk every night, and stuffing whole tubs of ice-cream into him at 3 in the morning. I'd guess he's now at about 18 or 19 stone, maybe more, and despite being 6'2" it's still obvious that the weight is piling on. It's soul destroying to see him come home looking terrible, bigger than ever and with bad skin which are sure signs of bad diet. It's even more soul destroying that despite everything I've done, said, and fed him at home, that he (in his own words) doesn't care about his weight and insists on not talking about it at all (or he becomes very defensive, then upset, then closes off completely). No amount of describing the problems he faces in the future (however tactfully done) prompts him to admit that there's a problem.

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to approach John about this. I know there are some underlying issues that have contributed to his lack of care about his weight, but to be perfectly frank, the weight has always been there because his dad and previous partners fed him a poor diet and did not encourage him to exercise. I'm convinced that it was ignorance on the part of his mother and father in the beginning that caused the weight problem, and now that John is an independent young man, he's conditioned to eating and living a certain way, despite my best efforts to lead by example. He knows he's got a problem, and he has learned a few things from me about food that he's continued with... but we're 400 miles away now and can't oversee what he's doing whatsoever.

How do I go about getting John to acknowledge what he is doing to himself, and find some inspiration to learn about how to change? What would you suggest?

Best Regards, Alyson.

It seems very likely that Johnís eating behaviour is an emotional one. He is using food as a drug. This is actually very common, and explains why the behaviour can not be changed simply by pointing out the rational issues. Like with all addicts, nothing can be done until the addict themselves wishes to address the problem. Until then, the best you can do is simply to love and accept him as he is.

This raises another question; why is it so important to you to change him? You say that you have not been in his family for more than a year. Essentially you are two adults with a family member in common. There is no particularly pressing reason why it should be up to you to ìsaveî him. If you find it uncomfortable to let go of the idea of being able to change him, then that is also something that you are going to have to think about; are you embarrassed by him, afraid of what will happen to him, worried for his father, etc; all of which are problems for you, not him.

Addicts hate being pushed to change when it is being sold to them as ìfor their own goodî when they can tell that there is also a way in which they are being asked to change because (perhaps secretly) it is also for the good of the person pushing them. Youíll need to become very clear in your own mind about your objectives and motives; and then take care of your own anxiety about Johnís problems before you would be able to offer him any genuine help with the issues that are behind his eating.

Ask yourself honestly, is it that "he needs to deal with his weight problem", or that you need to deal with his weight problem? I'm not denying the seriousness of his issue, but asking you to think carefully about who really needs what from whom? I'd suggest that more than anything he needs the love and support and acceptance of his father and yourself, regardless of how he behaves and what he weighs. This will give him the best chance to deal with his weight, when he decides that he needs to deal with his weight problem.

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Getting someone else to recognise their problem Weight, diet and lifestyle guidance

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