Hi there,
I recently had a relationship break up which has left me feeling very confused and in a sort of personal crisis.
I had a very good year prior to meeting my ex resolving some question marks over my future career (I'm 30) by getting a college place and getting a fairly well paid job in the year before the course. I was feeling confident, happy and was very much 'available'.
Meeting my ex, she appeared to be very emotionally accessible, up-front, honest and was funny and intelligent with similar interests etc. I was really enjoying dating and when the physical relationship started it was great for both of us. We really did seem to have a 'connection' and after a while that seemed to grow into 'love'. She seemed to be the person I was looking for.
However, things started to go wrong. Firstly this person had been physically and mentally abused by a previous boyfriend so after a short while she said 'perhaps we're not have sex ever again', almost in passing. Because I was so into her and feeling open and confident I was fairly unfazed and tried to be practical and 'deal' with the situation in an open way (talk about what she wanted or what she didn't want, give her control, not make her feel too crowded etc.). But the real problem as I saw it was to do with intimacy. I felt like I hit a wall with her in terms of emotional intimacy and one night some very odd things happened while we were out with friends and I tried to get her to talk about it and 'volunteer' something (what was it? was it me? was it something else?) but she drew back all scared, felt like she wanted to get out and accused me of paranoia. After that the relationship carried on another month until I was so unhappy I had to break it up.
What's bothering me now is my reaction to this entire situation. Perhaps I was plain unlucky to be in that situation, but after that moment where she 'drew back' I didn't feel quite the same since. Instead of acknowledging it wasn't going to work and that I probably couldn't help her I poured more and more of my own energy into the relationship and gave away a lot of things. For instance I thought my unhappiness was down to my up-coming course so I decided to not go. The lack of physical relationship hit my confidence and I felt rejected and somewhat 'disgusting' to her. I'm ashamed to say I also started to feel anger towards her. She seemed to go on about ex's all the time (she'd had many). As the situation became more troubled it began to hurt because I felt I wasn't 'desired'. I didn't get how she could have desired them, but I (who she apparently loved and had the chances of something long term) got none of it. I just couldn't 'get' it and there seemed to be no way to reach her?
In the end I spent my energy controlling and shutting down my own emotions (to nullify my frustration and hurt) until in the end I was so whipped up into as sense of crisis I had to leave. By them I was in a complete state (tears, hurt, anger) whereas she just kept saying 'I can't feel anything' which made me appear 'over-emotional' and totally on my own.
Not only am I confused by 'what's hers' in the relationship (she still refuses to discuss the 'problem') I'm concerned by how automatically I then decided to concede everything that was important to me (my personal projects, my confidence, my needs) and locked myself into a situation where I was guaranteed to lose in the end.
If anyone can connect with any of this I'd appreciate some thoughts.
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Rather confused and having a crisis in myself? Following relationship break-up
#1
justmeithink 
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Posted 24 December 2005 - 09:06 PM
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Posted 05 January 2006 - 02:36 PM
Hi Just Me,
You said you loved her so it was natural that you would want to try to help her. As you say, the problem seems much more to be her's than your's. I see nothing wrong with a person giving a lot to try and help a loved one. Unfortunately it didn't work.
Why did you give up so much of yourself for her? Only you know that for sure. You wanted to make the relationship work. Perhaps you had a strong need for someone in your life. You hoped that you could help her overcome the issues she has with abuse. With hindsight it should be obvious that she needs to face her own problems before any relationship will work for her. Her inability to feel is a big clue. She needs to get professional help if she hasn't already.
I completely understand your feelings of hurt, anger and rejection at the way you were treated. Does it help at all to realize it was basically her problem and not your's? Maybe it would be useful for you to explore why you needed her so much. What was the nature of your love for her? You said she seemed to be the person you were looking for. What are you for looking for? Can you find it in someone else?
You've done the right thing, saving yourself by breaking off with her. It's normal to want to have a relationship, to have strong feelings for someone, to try hard to help, to feel emotional. But when you get to a point where you've hit a wall because a person refuses to accept responsibility for their own behavior there aren't many choices left. You can't help someone like that. If you feel guilt about it, try to let it go.
You sound as though you have plenty going for you. Get on with your own life and put the past where it belongs. I'm sure you learned from the experience and that is valuable. In the future you may not be so willing to give up everything in a futile effort to help someone who won't be helped.
Best wishes. D.
You said you loved her so it was natural that you would want to try to help her. As you say, the problem seems much more to be her's than your's. I see nothing wrong with a person giving a lot to try and help a loved one. Unfortunately it didn't work.
Why did you give up so much of yourself for her? Only you know that for sure. You wanted to make the relationship work. Perhaps you had a strong need for someone in your life. You hoped that you could help her overcome the issues she has with abuse. With hindsight it should be obvious that she needs to face her own problems before any relationship will work for her. Her inability to feel is a big clue. She needs to get professional help if she hasn't already.
I completely understand your feelings of hurt, anger and rejection at the way you were treated. Does it help at all to realize it was basically her problem and not your's? Maybe it would be useful for you to explore why you needed her so much. What was the nature of your love for her? You said she seemed to be the person you were looking for. What are you for looking for? Can you find it in someone else?
You've done the right thing, saving yourself by breaking off with her. It's normal to want to have a relationship, to have strong feelings for someone, to try hard to help, to feel emotional. But when you get to a point where you've hit a wall because a person refuses to accept responsibility for their own behavior there aren't many choices left. You can't help someone like that. If you feel guilt about it, try to let it go.
You sound as though you have plenty going for you. Get on with your own life and put the past where it belongs. I'm sure you learned from the experience and that is valuable. In the future you may not be so willing to give up everything in a futile effort to help someone who won't be helped.
Best wishes. D.
#3
justmeithink
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Posted 06 January 2006 - 12:14 AM
I've edited this:
Whatever her problem involved she's now seeing someone else, someone I'm happy to say she wants it to work out with. It being so soon makes me think perhaps she was considering this person in the last few weeks before we broke up. That hurts and logically should make me less confused about the sexual trauma of her past - the reality was she didn't want to have sex with me in particular? Whatever it is, I hope the new person can help her break her pattern.
I really need to get on now and help myself.
Thanks for your reply D - you're wisely directing me to think about what it is I want and I'm gonna work on that. As with her, there are things in my own past with are entwined in the relationship and the break up. Have to deal with that and then I think I'll be able to answer those questions.
Regards
Whatever her problem involved she's now seeing someone else, someone I'm happy to say she wants it to work out with. It being so soon makes me think perhaps she was considering this person in the last few weeks before we broke up. That hurts and logically should make me less confused about the sexual trauma of her past - the reality was she didn't want to have sex with me in particular? Whatever it is, I hope the new person can help her break her pattern.
I really need to get on now and help myself.
Thanks for your reply D - you're wisely directing me to think about what it is I want and I'm gonna work on that. As with her, there are things in my own past with are entwined in the relationship and the break up. Have to deal with that and then I think I'll be able to answer those questions.
Regards
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