I posted this in another place but got no replies - if anyone has any insight please feel free to give me some advice - thanks for listening!
Hi Benjamin
Great book - very similar to my background - my mother died of an alcholic related accident when I was 15. I went to public school, have travelled the world and experienced the good life, was a philandering fool, treated women badly tried to be an actor, failed but 5 years ago started to get back on my feet.
I guess I was growing up - I met a girl (working class, state school educated, what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of woman.)
2 years into the relationship she wanted to buy a house and wanted some committment. I went the whole hog and proposed only to "change my mind" 6 weeks later. I moved out for 6 months and underwent EMDR therapy - found it alot of help in ralising my mother's problems were not mine and that I had my own life to lead. I became more positive and less critical of people and began to see the world in a different light. I got a great job which I love and am excelling career-wise.
I moved back in - we'd bought a house together - and for the last two years have procrastinated about getting married.
Finally she's had enough - she wants to sell the house and move on - we're both 33.
What's wrong with me?
I love her as a person but just feel we don't connect still - we get on, like doing the same things but I'm not stimulated by her when we talk - we couldn't be more different in our outlook on life and how we view the world - she's intensely practical and 2-dimensional - I'm a dreamer and alsways looking for hidden meanings to life and what it has to offer. I feel she just doesn't "get it!"
I just feel sick to my stomach - I look forward in some ways to splitting up I'll be free of this uncertainty and free to carry on through life by myself.
I would love to get married and have kids but it scares me soo much and I dont know why. many of my friends are happily married with kids - its naturel to them but not to me. They dont understand my terror in committing to her. It is terror - i cannot see me enjoying my wedding day.
I know other women who I think would be better suited - funny, sharp-witted and they get me.
So what do I do? - settle for her and not be entirly happy and always wondering if there was anyone out there better suited or let her go and carry on searching by my self?
I hope I dont sound like an ogre - I do love her very much - just not sure whether it's enough to spend the rest of my life with her.
Thanks for listening.
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Why can't I commit?
#2 Guest_CJ_*
Posted 05 December 2005 - 02:34 PM
Hi William,
I am sympathetic to your position. Personally, my outlook on life is probably somewhat similar to your own, but I have also encountered a large number of people who share your girlfriend's perspective. I'm not sure if I can advise you on what to do, but maybe I can help clarify you current circumstances and choices.
First of all, regardless of your past, I don't think that there is anything 'wrong with you' in the sense of something psychological that is causing you to act in a deviant way. In fact I think something quite rare is 'right' with you, and that is that you are looking at your life relatively objectively and facing up to some difficult truths. That takes courage - its much easier to just 'go with the flow' of the majority and not ask too many questions.
The fact is that you are a deep and thoughtful chap. You want a partner who offers a connectivity that transcends the physical and emotional - someone with whom you can have those timeless and meaningful conversations about things that really matter in life (what has been termed "I-Thou dialogue" by 20th century philosophers). But of course, what you girlfriend is striving after appears to be profoundly different from that. It may be that the biological alarm clocks are going off inside her, and she now wants to get down to the practical business of settling down and having kids. It's very unlikely that she's given any thought to how much ëpersonal fulfilmentí such a life will bring, she just knows on some level it is what she wants.
I'm afraid the hard truth may be that the kind of deeper issues that are on your mind, not only don't interest her, but probably don't exist in her world. The philosopher Schopenhauer believed that the degree of 'insight' that we possess is something that is fixed and birth, and you can't really inherently change someone if they're not wired like that. Tragically some people are doomed to never see life's complex shades of grey. Furthermore, in contrast to what Hollywood movies might suggest, spiritual connectivity and sexual attraction rarely come together. The two are somewhat polar opposites and can have a way of negating each other. People who are involved in relationships might well scream in outrage at such a suggestion, but the fact is that deep/philosophical discussions are profoundly unsexy because they involve a temporary suspension of things like ëdesireí. When two intellects make contact, itís difficult to envisage the encounter progressing to the bedroom.
Returning to your circumstances; if you decide you want to stay with your current partner then she is unlikely to ever be that kind of ëspiritual partnerí that you might ideally want. These other women you know who are perhaps sharper and wittier may have more in common with you in that respect, but upon closer scrutiny may lack other virtues that your current partner possess.
It all comes down to one simple fact really, and that is that life is not going to fulfil all of our desires. The more we make it our lifeís goal to attain ëhappinessí, in terms of self-gratification, the less we are likely to end up with.
I think you were on to something following you EMDR therapy, when you embraced a less critical and perhaps more upbeat and giving philosophy. Maybe the best way to move forward would be to think deeply about not what you ëwantí from life, but what you want to achieve in it ñ how and in what way you want it to change you for the better, and in so doing achieve contentment. It would help you immensely if you were able to feel sufficiently self-assured to stand alone without the ëneedí of a partner to ëgiveí you anything in particular, as you could then choose to incorporate people into your life based upon their virtues, focusing upon what you can give them and what it is that they have to offer that you appreciate. I think that is the sound basis for real love.
As I said, I donít really know if you should or shouldnít continue in your current romantic relationship. It might not be the best form of relationship for you and your partner to engage in given your differences, although realistically it might be the only one on offer. Itís difficult, but I suppose in conclusion I would advise looking inside yourself for a solution, rather than looking around you at other possible ësolutionsí. That might just perpetuate a bad cycle.
All the best.
I am sympathetic to your position. Personally, my outlook on life is probably somewhat similar to your own, but I have also encountered a large number of people who share your girlfriend's perspective. I'm not sure if I can advise you on what to do, but maybe I can help clarify you current circumstances and choices.
First of all, regardless of your past, I don't think that there is anything 'wrong with you' in the sense of something psychological that is causing you to act in a deviant way. In fact I think something quite rare is 'right' with you, and that is that you are looking at your life relatively objectively and facing up to some difficult truths. That takes courage - its much easier to just 'go with the flow' of the majority and not ask too many questions.
The fact is that you are a deep and thoughtful chap. You want a partner who offers a connectivity that transcends the physical and emotional - someone with whom you can have those timeless and meaningful conversations about things that really matter in life (what has been termed "I-Thou dialogue" by 20th century philosophers). But of course, what you girlfriend is striving after appears to be profoundly different from that. It may be that the biological alarm clocks are going off inside her, and she now wants to get down to the practical business of settling down and having kids. It's very unlikely that she's given any thought to how much ëpersonal fulfilmentí such a life will bring, she just knows on some level it is what she wants.
I'm afraid the hard truth may be that the kind of deeper issues that are on your mind, not only don't interest her, but probably don't exist in her world. The philosopher Schopenhauer believed that the degree of 'insight' that we possess is something that is fixed and birth, and you can't really inherently change someone if they're not wired like that. Tragically some people are doomed to never see life's complex shades of grey. Furthermore, in contrast to what Hollywood movies might suggest, spiritual connectivity and sexual attraction rarely come together. The two are somewhat polar opposites and can have a way of negating each other. People who are involved in relationships might well scream in outrage at such a suggestion, but the fact is that deep/philosophical discussions are profoundly unsexy because they involve a temporary suspension of things like ëdesireí. When two intellects make contact, itís difficult to envisage the encounter progressing to the bedroom.
Returning to your circumstances; if you decide you want to stay with your current partner then she is unlikely to ever be that kind of ëspiritual partnerí that you might ideally want. These other women you know who are perhaps sharper and wittier may have more in common with you in that respect, but upon closer scrutiny may lack other virtues that your current partner possess.
It all comes down to one simple fact really, and that is that life is not going to fulfil all of our desires. The more we make it our lifeís goal to attain ëhappinessí, in terms of self-gratification, the less we are likely to end up with.
I think you were on to something following you EMDR therapy, when you embraced a less critical and perhaps more upbeat and giving philosophy. Maybe the best way to move forward would be to think deeply about not what you ëwantí from life, but what you want to achieve in it ñ how and in what way you want it to change you for the better, and in so doing achieve contentment. It would help you immensely if you were able to feel sufficiently self-assured to stand alone without the ëneedí of a partner to ëgiveí you anything in particular, as you could then choose to incorporate people into your life based upon their virtues, focusing upon what you can give them and what it is that they have to offer that you appreciate. I think that is the sound basis for real love.
As I said, I donít really know if you should or shouldnít continue in your current romantic relationship. It might not be the best form of relationship for you and your partner to engage in given your differences, although realistically it might be the only one on offer. Itís difficult, but I suppose in conclusion I would advise looking inside yourself for a solution, rather than looking around you at other possible ësolutionsí. That might just perpetuate a bad cycle.
All the best.
#3 Guest_DC_*
Posted 11 December 2005 - 03:35 AM
Hi,
I think you answered your own question when you referred to marriage to your current girlfriend as "settling" and "not being entirely happy." There is always the possibility that if you marry her you will discover as time goes on that you are happy with her. Personally, I doubt that outcome. You have been together for quite some time now. She's not very likely to change.
If she were the one for you, your question wouldn't be whether you should commit, but where's the church and if I carry her can I get her to the altar faster?
Listen to what the voice inside is telling you. Best wishes. D.
I think you answered your own question when you referred to marriage to your current girlfriend as "settling" and "not being entirely happy." There is always the possibility that if you marry her you will discover as time goes on that you are happy with her. Personally, I doubt that outcome. You have been together for quite some time now. She's not very likely to change.
If she were the one for you, your question wouldn't be whether you should commit, but where's the church and if I carry her can I get her to the altar faster?
Listen to what the voice inside is telling you. Best wishes. D.
#4
williamm 
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Posted 19 December 2005 - 01:46 PM
Yeah - some people have suggested I'm trying to stick a round peg in a square hole - but what if I never find anyone else - I know thats crass as we can never know. What is it about me that can't ever make decisions on this front - I leave it to her to simply give up and walk away. I just dont seem to have the courage of my own convictions - I dont seem to trust anyone least of all myself. Stuck in a deep hole unable to get out. Ho Hum!!!
#5 Guest_cheekychimp_*
Posted 10 August 2006 - 11:07 AM
William
Oh my god. I feel EXACTLY the same in my relationship. Its actually made me feel quite sick reading your email. Or maybe its too much green tea.
Being with someone who is really nice and you get on ok day-to-day with, is on a superficial level - just that - OK. But it wont bring you happiness.
I think the situation we find ourselves in is our own fault. Our day dreamy personalities have always made us think early on in relationships that a person is perfect for us. No actually, even if we see clashes of interest or beliefs, we gloss over them and look only for the positives.
I wish and hope that each one is THE one, that I have found my soul mate, my partner in crime.
I dont give myself time to really get to know people, and discover if they are right for me.
Music, art, culture, food, travel, enviroment are massively important. Being able to discuss interests dreams and desires are surely key to human existance and satisfaction.
My partner just dosent 'get' any of these loves.
But hey - ITS MY FAULT. I should have found out that he loves football, and hates sea food, and likes Bryan Adams, and thought trip hop was a phrase I made up, and who bypassed the dance scene completely ....I should have found these out on the first date. And said thank you very much, lovely to meet you but no thanks.
But instead I try to form a lasting relationship.
Just read what I wrote and it sounds really superficial. But well music really matters to me. And all the other stuff.
Ok so we have established that its not right. And if we are honest it is never going to be right.
Time to leave. But oh iv tried. Iv tried so many times..but then I think - well hes not that bad - and it could be worse. And maybe I wont ever find anybody better. And maybe im looking for someone who dosent exist.
Maybe im just depressed, and this is preventing me from feeling and showing love that is burried by depression. ????? (Father died, parents divorce, made redundant, lost house, boring job etc etc)
I think these are contributing issues. But shouldnt you be able to talk about these things and laugh about them with your partner?
Anyway...32 and 33 ...we are still young. We shouldnt be wasting time with something we have a gut feeling is wrong.
This isnt very helpful is it? Mmmm dunno. Hope people who find themsleves in this situation find the courage to do what you want to do. And the courage to be on their own.
Dreamers RULE!
Oh my god. I feel EXACTLY the same in my relationship. Its actually made me feel quite sick reading your email. Or maybe its too much green tea.
Being with someone who is really nice and you get on ok day-to-day with, is on a superficial level - just that - OK. But it wont bring you happiness.
I think the situation we find ourselves in is our own fault. Our day dreamy personalities have always made us think early on in relationships that a person is perfect for us. No actually, even if we see clashes of interest or beliefs, we gloss over them and look only for the positives.
I wish and hope that each one is THE one, that I have found my soul mate, my partner in crime.
I dont give myself time to really get to know people, and discover if they are right for me.
Music, art, culture, food, travel, enviroment are massively important. Being able to discuss interests dreams and desires are surely key to human existance and satisfaction.
My partner just dosent 'get' any of these loves.
But hey - ITS MY FAULT. I should have found out that he loves football, and hates sea food, and likes Bryan Adams, and thought trip hop was a phrase I made up, and who bypassed the dance scene completely ....I should have found these out on the first date. And said thank you very much, lovely to meet you but no thanks.
But instead I try to form a lasting relationship.
Just read what I wrote and it sounds really superficial. But well music really matters to me. And all the other stuff.
Ok so we have established that its not right. And if we are honest it is never going to be right.
Time to leave. But oh iv tried. Iv tried so many times..but then I think - well hes not that bad - and it could be worse. And maybe I wont ever find anybody better. And maybe im looking for someone who dosent exist.
Maybe im just depressed, and this is preventing me from feeling and showing love that is burried by depression. ????? (Father died, parents divorce, made redundant, lost house, boring job etc etc)
I think these are contributing issues. But shouldnt you be able to talk about these things and laugh about them with your partner?
Anyway...32 and 33 ...we are still young. We shouldnt be wasting time with something we have a gut feeling is wrong.
This isnt very helpful is it? Mmmm dunno. Hope people who find themsleves in this situation find the courage to do what you want to do. And the courage to be on their own.
Dreamers RULE!
#6
sunshinegirl
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Posted 08 July 2007 - 02:42 AM
Hi William and all.
I'm sorry I haven't had time to read all that you wrote but see that commitment is the issue to do with your love life.
I just wanted to say that you should always go with your gut feelings and never settle for second best, third best or anything unless you are 100% sure, before you commit.
It's a bit like consulting a psychic before a wedding day, if you need to then you should'nt be doing it.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, too many people commit from fear of being alone, or that they'll not meet another that they get along with. Basically, we could find something to love in most people we meet, so we could have millions of soulmates. You need to know it's right for you, no pressure, no fear.
There is a lot worse conditions than being a single person, being in any relationship has restrictions, freedoms lost, why do we put ourselves through relationship after relationship when freedom is so much more appealing.
Don't be frightened to let someone walk away from you, don't be frightened to walk away. Life needs the odd compromise, only if it's one your comfortable with, otherwise a relationship which takes a bundle of compromising will be restrictive.
freedom versus singledom - i'll take the singledom.
all the very best to you in your decision making.
I'm sorry I haven't had time to read all that you wrote but see that commitment is the issue to do with your love life.
I just wanted to say that you should always go with your gut feelings and never settle for second best, third best or anything unless you are 100% sure, before you commit.
It's a bit like consulting a psychic before a wedding day, if you need to then you should'nt be doing it.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, too many people commit from fear of being alone, or that they'll not meet another that they get along with. Basically, we could find something to love in most people we meet, so we could have millions of soulmates. You need to know it's right for you, no pressure, no fear.
There is a lot worse conditions than being a single person, being in any relationship has restrictions, freedoms lost, why do we put ourselves through relationship after relationship when freedom is so much more appealing.
Don't be frightened to let someone walk away from you, don't be frightened to walk away. Life needs the odd compromise, only if it's one your comfortable with, otherwise a relationship which takes a bundle of compromising will be restrictive.
freedom versus singledom - i'll take the singledom.
all the very best to you in your decision making.
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