[williamm]

Hi Benjamin

Great book - very similar to my background - my mother died of an alcholic related accident when I was 15. I went to public school, have travelled the world and experienced the good life, was a philandering fool, treated women badly tried to be an actor, failed but 5 years ago started to get back on my feet.

I guess I was growing up - I met a girl (working class, state school educated, what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of woman.)

2 years into the relationship she wanted to buy a house and wanted some committment. I went the whole hog and proposed only to "change my mind" 6 weeks later. I moved out for 6 months and underwent EMDR therapy - found it alot of help in ralising my mother's problems were not mine and that I had my own life to lead. I became more positive and less critical of people and began to see the world in a different light. I got a great job which I love and am excelling career-wise.

I moved back in - we'd bought a house together - and for the last two years have procrastinated about getting married.

Finally she's had enough - she wants to sell the house and move on - we're both 33.

What's wrong with me?

I love her as a person but just feel we don't connect still - we get on, like doing the same things but I'm not stimulated by her when we talk - we couldn't be more different in our outlook on life and how we view the world - she's intensely practical and 2-dimensional - I'm a dreamer and alsways looking for hidden meanings to life and what it has to offer. I feel she just doesn't "get it!"

I just feel sick to my stomach - I look forward in some ways to splitting up I'll be free of this uncertainty and free to carry on through life by myself.

I would love to get married and have kids but it scares me soo much and I dont know why. many of my friends are happily married with kids - its naturel to them but not to me. They dont understand my terror in committing to her. It is terror - i cannot see me enjoying my wedding day.

I know other women who I think would be better suited - funny, sharp-witted and they get me.

So what do I do? - settle for her and not be entirly happy and always wondering if there was anyone out there better suited or let her go and carry on searching by my self?

I hope I dont sound like an ogre - I do love her very much - just not sure whether it's enough to spend the rest of my life with her.

Thanks for listening.

[Benjamin Fry]

Youíve tried to commit and failed. This suggests that you do want to be with her but that you are scared to. In general, commitment issues are caused in childhood by feeling the effects of a failure of a relationship: this causes trauma and is usually the by-product of a divorce, illness or death. In your case you have suffered the trauma of losing a parent to an accident. This fundamentally shatters your own faith in the point of getting more dependent on people, rather than less.

Unfortunately it is inherent in our species to be inter-dependent. Therefore we are vulnerable to being let down either by other people or events. (you perhaps had a mix of the two). The effect of this is to negate our idealised view that ìweíll be together foreverî. Divorce and death rub in the fact that we can not know or guarantee this.

Your feelings at the moment are a panicked flight from the reality that you feel that you could not bear another traumatic separation. This is because you are not over the last one yet. If you were able to fully express the pain, sadness, anger and grief of your motherís death, then you would not be able to help yourself from committing to a relationship: thatís just whatís natural. Your trauma held frozen inside you is what is stopping this natural progression.

You will need some help to release these feelings. Do you think you know what you should do?

[wendy]

Hi there,

I couldn't resist replying as your note struck a chord with me. My Dad died suddenly (to me) when I was 12 and it was never discussed so I have deeply buried trauma. I have experienced the good life but have wanted to get married and have kids for years now but I canít commit to a loving relationship. Ironically I seem happy and relaxed when a boyfriend isnít really into me or is unavailable in some way but when I sense they love me I panic and end it. I feel so immature for being like this but the urge to end a relationship seems overwhelming at the time. The one thing that gives me comfort is my close, childhood friends who I know will always be in my life so I know can commit in some areas of my life.

Recently I went out with a man for 2 months and we both agreed we had a lot going for us but I finished it because he didnít listen as well as my female friends. (Shallow, I know). After 6 weeks feeling very lonely (despite my very active social life), I dated a man who was very effeminate but I started to wish I was with my previous boyfriend who was more masculine!! I rang him up and said I felt I had made a mistake and we went out and had a lovely evening but didnít really talk about getting back together... I now keep waking up in the middle of the night panicking about neither being right and being alone again or both being right and which to go for. It seemed OK to do this years ago but seems so silly now. In the past I only ever panicked about being in a close relationship so I am now thinking that panicking about being alone must be healthier?!

I have tried counselling but that didnít seem to cure me. I have booked a hypnotherapy appointment next week and am feeling hopeful about that. Maybe I should just stick with a relationship and ëfeel the fear and do it anywayí but it is difficult when my heart says No and my social friends say it is just because I havenít met the right one yet because I appear so normal and happy in every other area of my life.

Help!! I totally connected with the book but still not sure what to do in practice. What if I commit to this man and my heart was right all along and he isn't right for me and I hurt him and mess him around??

[Benjamin Fry]

What happens if you give your heart to a man completely and utterly and then he dies suddenly? Iím sorry to be blunt, but that is the nub of the issue. I suggest that you spend a little time every day remembering your dad and trying to grieve for him. Set up a little shrine in your home. Then you should be able to free your heart a little to let you know what it really thinks of the men in your life in the present.

[williamm]

Yeah - some people have suggested I'm trying to stick a round peg in a square hole - but what if I never find anyone else - I know thats crass as we can never know. What is it about me that can't ever make decisions on this front - I leave it to her to simply give up and walk away. I just dont seem to have the courage of my own convictions - I dont seem to trust anyone least of all myself. Stuck in a deep hole unable to get out. Ho Hum!!!