[Dinosaur]

I have always been under the dillusion that I had "dealt" with my childhood issues, simply becuase I have often spoken about them with other people. I have recently realised that despite all this talking, I have never actually revisited the issues on an emotional level. I was only willing to talk about my past when I was feeling strong and unemotional about it but as soon as the feelings started to rise I would pretend that I was perfectly fine, even to my husband.

The other day I was sat down eating breakfast which consisted of a boiled egg. It was the first time I'd eaten an egg in 20 years because I told myself I didn't like them, despite the fact that I loved them as a young child. I decided that it was about time I grew up and ignored my irrational dislike for this nutritious food. I was about 3 mouthfulls through my egg before my heart started to feel like a lead weight and I burst into tears. There was something about this stupid egg that seemed to represent memories of my lost childhood. It dragged feelings to the surface that I had spent the last 20 years running from.

I've always told myself that so long as I look to the future and build a new life I will be fine. I changed my entire value system, became the only member of my family to be educated and unaddicted to substances and then I polished it all off by marrying a wonderful man. My life is perfect on paper.

After all these efforts to build a new life I am dissappointed to discover that I am not fine at all. I am still hounded by memories of my alcoholic mother and her abusive partners. I have finally realised that where ever I go - I cannot run from my own mind. As a 27 year old, I will soon be a mother myself. I do not want to in any way reproduce my past in the lives of my future children. I desperately want to be a good mother who raises children that feel loved and happy. I am constantly asking myself 'What do I have to do to become whole'? I know I need to deal with my emotional issues but I don't really know how to do that.

My husband has agreed to accompany me to a support group for the relatives of alcoholics. I feel quite anxious about jumping in so deep but maybe it will be a good spring board for me? I would be very open to receiving advice from other people who have found ways to beat their demons.

I'll let you know how I go!
Dee.

[Benjamin Fry]

You are a model of successful practical and emotional recovery. You have used your early adulthood to replace the chaos of your childhood with a stable situation, making the most of yourself as you do. Now that you have the physical security, you can begin to let go of some of the emotional security. This is a big step forward, not back, and will be of great benefit to your child. You are doing all the right things and you should be very proud of your progress.

I wouldnít normally say this, but Iíd recommend you read my book. The specifics of your progress mirror very closely the ideals put forward by its theory. I think that it could help you to understand why you are doing exactly the right thing. It is also (I think) a big help to a new parent since it can help you to understand why kids drive you nuts at times, and how to do your best to avoid damaging them. I could take you through some of the theory here, but it is summarised elsewhere in this forum. I suspect though that you will have sufficient appetite for the full version in the book.