[Pamela2774]

Hi Alison, Joanne,

It's good to be able to come on here and talk honestly about how we're feeling isn't it ! Since both of you have already been through this before and saw your partner's reactions when they have discovered you were in debt, has this greatly changed their feelings towards you ? i.e do you think they trust you less ? This is the one thing that now concerns me in my relationship. I feel so much better for having "came clean" but if my partner has to question me about everything I spend money on then I know it is going to drive me crazy. Last night for example he realised that he was overdrawn in his own bank account for the first time in his life (he's 35 !) and was in a complete panic. From the look on his face it was as though he thought that I'd somehow been able to access his account. It turned out that he had made a mistake and transferred two lots of money into our joint account to cover the mortgage etc instead of making one transfer. Then he started scrutinising the statement for the joint account as I'm responsible for all of the household shopping. It could have led to another argument but fortunately it didn't. I'm just concerned that going forward I'll have to justify every penny (of my money) spent.

Feel free to email me too if you feel like chatting outwith the forum...
Have a good weekend.
Pam
x

[alison]

Hi Pamela
When I previously told my partner I was in debt it was a different situation. I hadn't been with him that long at the time and it was a much smaller debt of around 4K. Plus, it was partly caused by circumstances beyond my control. Even so, some of it was catalogue debt (I didn't qualify for a card at that time as I was trying to finish my postgrad studies and work part time). He wasn't happy at this part but did indeed pay those debts for me. At the time he said we would be alright as long as I stopped spending. Although he has never thrown it back at me (but I strongly suspect he will when he hears about this debt ) this has had other knock on effects which have probably contributed to the mess I am in now. Firstly, despite having lived together for 9 years we have never sat down and shared the finances out. All the bills, including the morgage are in his name. I assume that he felt he couldn't trust me to manage money but I do feel that if I had been fully involved it would have helped me be more responsible. Secondly, when I started getting into debt again I was reluctant to tell him because I had promised I wouldn't. Even when I had no income after my bike accident (when I should have told him I was struggling) I didn't dare tell him. This has led to more secrecy and ultimately more debt. I am now petrified by the sheer scale of what I have got myself into and realise I can't get out without his moral support. If he was to leave me (and lets face it, who could blame him) not only would I have to face the prospect of losing my husband but also the possibility of bankruptcy, even homelessness. I would be interested in what you, Joanne and also Benjamin if he reads this thinks if I could have avoided this mess if I had taken half of the responsibility of running the home.
take care, Alison xx

[teresa]

Hallo again Alison I am here also for any of you guys who need help. See my reply to Alison - I have been there and done that and will be all paid off by May next year - what a relief

[Pamela2774]

Hi Alison,

I think things probably would have been different if you had shared more of the responsibility in the home. When you say that your husband may have thought that you couldn't handle the responsibility, although I can understand why he would have thought this, how are you ever supposed to prove yourself if you're not given the chance ? We go 50/50 on all of the household bills and the mortgage is in my name since my partner was self employed when we first got the house. Therefore I didn't feel like a complete failure when I told him about my debt as I've always paid my way where the house & bills are concerned. Like I've said before, how he reacts is out of your hands but I think you're taking the best steps that you can. I would be more inclined to tell him asap but if your therapist thinks it's best to wait until February and you're happy with that then stick to that idea. Hopefull by that time you will be able to show him how you have tried to tackle the problem and that you're making progress. Finally, I know you feel awful right now but as huge a problem this appears to be don't be too hard on yourself. You haven't murdered anyone and you're not a horrible nasty person. You have issues that you're trying to deal and the important thing is that you keep on trying.

Pam
x

[Joanne]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all ok and everyone enjoyed the weekend.

Thank you for all your support and I would love to keep in touch as it is so nice to speak to others in the same position. It would be good to hear how we are all progressing. I do feel so much better speaking to you all. Its amazing how better you feel just by telling other people your situation x

I do agree with Pam and maybe it would have been different - but look at me! It didn't stop me spending but, the strangest thing was I always defended the size of the debt by telling myself that the bills and my debt repayments are always paid on time and every month without fail - but I also seemed to get a little excited on payday and then spent all the money I had left within 2 weeks, surviving the rest of the month by using credit card cheques! However, I want to aim to start paying my share again within 6 month so fingers crossed.

Alison, I am sure you contribute towards to running of the home more that you think. I bet you cook, clean, iron, food shopping etc and working full time and running a home is not easy. If your husband does work alot of hours, would you consider having a 2nd job or working a day at the weekend - not to run yourself into the ground though! I used to work in a bar 2 nights per week - but with my full time job needing me to work extra hours at times it now not suitable, but I did meet new people and enjoyed it, whilst earning some extra cash. Don't punish yourself anymore than you already have. You are now taking the necessary steps to getting back on track and you have done this off your own back. Between now and February I bet things will have much improved beyond your belief. I have recently read a book which if you want I would be happy to send it to you - or let you know which one it is - if so, just e-mail me.

I have even set a budget for xmas presents now and it is so much less than last year (at least a quarter!). But I am not prepared to get myself into anymore debt and nobody should for me either.

I now have a new, easier to follow budget which hopefully my debt should be clear within 12 months. My partner has told me though that this time next year if I have increased my debt and have not paid things off it is my last chance. I can't blame him for this has he has taken the household bills off me and has given me the opportunity to sort myself out (I am allowed to have my loan, which, by then I will only have a year left - but that it is!)

He does seem a bit sceptical about whether I will stick to it - but I am determind to do it this time and prove to myself and my partner that I can change my ways - but am going to take it one step at a time.

I am sure with each month Pam things will get better and the scruitinising will become less and less and people are quick to jump to conclusions and blame the other person. I know that my partner loves me but he will find it very hard to trust me for a few months to come. Even when he tried to help me before I found ways of getting money off my credit card - not stealing or anything! I will confess later by e-mail - it is not something I am proud of!.

But like you said we haven't hurt anybody (except ourselves and our bank account!) Don't let it get you down, you know yourself that you wanted to change your situation and sharing it with your partner and admitting it is a very difficult step to make, but you did it. The first step is always the hardest but as you know the weight lifted immediately.

I am hoping for the day when I can show him my credit card statements with a £0 balance and knowing for the first time I have paid a credit card off without going to the bank for what will be my 9th loan! From now it is cash or can't have it and "do I really need it?"

Sorry to go on - I will leave now and hope to hear from you all soon.

Keep smiling and take care
Jo x
xxx

[alison]

Thanks for everyones support. I can't do anymore paid work than I already do I'm afraid. Teaching has such a huge workload that it's not uncommon to be still marking at midnight and I need what time I have left to recharge my batteries. One way I could get more money which I haven't done is apply for the threshold which is peformance related. I am afraid I would fail.
I watched the programme with Kate last night and Benjamin is right. Me and Kate do have alot of similarities and if Kate is reading this I do hope that you will get in touch since we could offer each other support in getting out of debt. Although our debts are of the same sort of magnitude, Kate will probably find the going even more difficult than me since her debt only took two years to build up but mine has taken seven (plus I can't stand meadowhell). I also have clothes still with the labels on and my one expensive taste is make up and toiletries, just like Kate. The stuff about depression really rang bells, also about her husband not wanting children. She was very brave to leave. I am of the opinion that if my husband doesn't come round to having a family, at nearly 36 (and with PCOS and a history of miscarriage) it will be too late. Providing of course he doesn't leave me anyway because of these debts, I would rather be with him with no family than on my own with no family. It also dawned on me during this program that as well as my difficulties starting corresponding with when I was bullied at work, they also correspond to when my dad became ill.
Got my second counselling session tonight. I have been asked to bring photos of my dad. Will let you know how things go.

[alison]

Just got back from therapy and it made me face some uncomfortable truths. Benjamin, if you are reading this I would really like to hear your views / opinions on what I have written below.
Although I had (much smaller) debts in the past, she thinks that it is my most recent past that my spending over recent years has been mainly a reaction too. There is still a long way to go and we have yet to touch on such issues as body image and bullying. Basically, my fear of rejection by my husband when I tell him about my debts (and therefore being alone) she belives has much to do with me being adopted. It is true that I have always taken it badly when past relationships have finished and I have carried relationships on after they should have finished so this does make some sense to me.
The most worrying thing she put forward was (from everything I told her) that it is basically my husbands' attitude that has made me go on my spending splurges. That he always has to be in control, that I don't see my friends as often as I would like because he is a bit of a loner and likes to keep me to himself amongst other things. She believes that my splurges are basically me rebelling against the constraints I find myself in. I feel that I can't be my true self and that his objection to me having a cat (and also children) is down to his jealousy, not wanting to share me with anyone.This all rings true but I love my husband and really don't want us to break up. In preparation for telling him about my debt, I really need to start addressing these issues and talking with him. It is true that I feel virtually powerless at times in my marriage and that if he had allowed me to share the finances I would have felt that I would have had a bigger voice in the relationship. There is some serious talking to be done. I just hope that we both come out of everything alright.

[Benjamin Fry]

I couldnít second guess what has gone on between yourself and your therapist. If you trust her, then that is great. There seems to be some logic and constancy to the work you are doing together.

All I would say is that you are married to your husband and not to your therapist. You do indeed need to do some serious talking, but make sure that you also do some serious listening. You will need to be able to understand your husband directly and not just through the filter of another personís conjectures (which may or may not be coloured by her own experiences). Then you will have the best chance of understanding yourself. Good luck.

[alison]

Thankyou Benjamin for your reply. I have been thing alot over the last few days. I cannot believe that my husband is the primary cause of my problems. If I haven't always got what I have wanted from my relationship that is as much my fault for not speaking out (perhaps this is due to an unconscience desire not to risk upsetting him and falling out). He is a good man, if a bit quiet and a workaholic. We need to start talking. He can help me manage money and I can help him put work in context. He is put under far too much stress at work and he is used. Especially after seeing the last spendaholics, I feel that depression is the main underlying cause since I have had several symptoms of depression for some time. As mentioned in previous posts, it's not difficult to see where my depression has come from (bullying,my dads illness and death). I am positive that I want to stay with my husband, that he is the most important person in my life and I love him a lot. I just have to be more assertive with my wishes and desires and try to help him with his problems. Unless someone replies to this post and I feel I have to post a reply, I will probably not post again for several weeks when it is getting close to telling my husband. Thanks for everyones support. I'll be in touch in February.

[alison]

Hi everyone. Hope you had a good Christmas. Therapy going well, spending not too badly (didn't go out to the shops for the sales). Now got to start preparing myself for telling my husband. The reason I came on here today is to share an internet site I've found which I am finding really interesting. It is

http://www.cheapskatemonthly.com

I have actually joined (I had to dig out my last credit card which is cut up but still valid for emergencies since it was the only way with not being in America). It costs $24 but I am sure it is worth it. There is a sheet where you put in all your debts and interest rates and what extra you can pay and it comes up with a repayment plan. I can be debt free in 25 months!!!!!! I strongly recommend you to check it out if you're in massive debt like me. Also lots of advice and other stuff.

Also useful is a site/workbook/book called 'The Money Secret'

Good luck and best wishes to everyone on this forum.

[alison]

First the good news. I am making real progress in paying off my debts. Seeing the progress I am making is encouraging me to do even more. The cheapskate website has been great, seeing the date I will be debt free and planning to visit my friend in America as soon as I have paid up (not using a credit card of course) is really motivating me.
The bad news is I still can't bring myself to tell my husband. I just can't. I hope this will change. I know at some point I will be ready. I am working on this with my therapist (who seems to think that my adoption is at the root of many of my problems).

[Benjamin Fry]

Congratulations on your progress. Adoption is a very difficult issue and can have many deep and subtle consequences. Trusting that people will be there for you is hard. It is easy then to see why you would not want to give you husband an ìexcuseî for leaving you. You have probably always been amazed (on some deep infant-like level) that he is with you at all!

Iím sure that you are working on separating that fantasy from reality and when you do, telling him wonít be quite so bad. Good luck.

[alison]

Seems a long time since I was on here. Firstly, the good news is that I am making progress with my debts although I do still occasionally lapse into bad habits (but manage to pull myself out). It's a bit like a dieter who cheats once then thinks 'what the hell I've blown it now' and has a cream cake. Something essensial comes up (like unexpected car repairs) which blows the budget and I buy something else. I am getting better, although I could kick myself for giving in to the usual Sept/Oct splurge (but better than before).

Therapy is going well. Much more confident. So much so that I am looking for promotion which can only help clear my debts even more.

On the negative side, my husband still doesn't know. I will tell him eventually but this may not be until I have paid them off. I don't want to feel indebted to him. Iwant to prove to hin and myself that I can do this alone. Of course, this couls change if something drastic happened (like starting a family). I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. The bottom line though, is I'm still scared of him leaving me. After seeing the breakdown of my brother's marriage this year after 18 years when it had always seemed quite strong, makes me worry about this even more. I think that if they can split up when they always seemed to have a strong marriage, if doesn't give much hope to me.

[forumposts]

I can understand your desire to deal with this on your own, but you entered into marriage as a partnership. If you get your husband's help it'll be much easier for you and the two of you can build a stronger bond, provided that you have a good relationship currently.