[alison]

I don't know what to do. I am nearly £30,000 in debt and my husband doesn't know. My husband knows I am not good with money but he has no idea I am in debt. The underlying problem is not my marriage. I love my husband and we are very close. This makes my deception even worse. Much of the money has gone on my health, trying to sort my weight out (I have PCOS and are about 3 stone overweight). I also tend to spend alot on presents. I was especially bad when it came to my dad who died last year after a long illness. But I am also a spendaholic who spends on clothes, make up ,CDs and books. I tend to be good for a while but then fall back for a few weeks and spend a fortune. I have consolidated my debts several times, each time saying never again but to no avail. I have one personal loan and four credit cards, three of which are not used but have balance transfers on.
I always had this problem looking back. The difference was that I didn't always have such easy access to credit. I had a secure family life although in my teens I always felt that my parents, especially my mum, were overprotective. I didn't really break free of this until I was about 23. I am close to my mum and I was very close to my dad. His death and illness were hard to take. Although I was adopted when I was a few weeks old, I never felt this was an issue. Maybe you Ben will think differently. The only problems seemed the massive age difference when I was a teenager which I put down to the the reason for their apparent overprotectiveness. My parents were old enough to be my grandparents. They were 45/46 when I was born and belonged to a totally different generation to that of my friends parents who'd been teenagers in the sixties. However, unlike many others on this forum, I had a good relationship with my dad. I was however bullied at junior school about my size and often came home in tears. This stopped at secondary school. I went to a different school than the bullies and wasn't bullied again until I was 28 when I had an horrific year in a job when my line manager disliked women. I do remember feeling trapped as a teenager by my parents overprotectiveness. They seemed quite strict at the time but with hindsight I can see that they meant well. Despite this, I emerged from this period with as strong a relationship with my parents as I'd ever had. I was always well loved and cared for. Leaving home to go to university seemed the start of my money problems. Suddenly I had the freedom I craved and I started spending, especially on books.
The problem has reached the point that I am finding it difficult to keep concealed. I am so ashamed of myself and I am scared I will lose my husband. My husband works for a bank and is very good with money. He has money in savings and investments, maybe even enough to cover my debts but I have always felt strongly that since I got myself into this mess, I should sort it out. When we first met I was a postgraduate with debts of around £5000 which he paid back (this was nine years ago). I am scared that either he will leave me or will pay off my debts but his attitude towards me will change so much that he will become impossible to live with. I know that it's no more than I deserve but I couldn't cope. I am very stressed in my job but can't leave or retrain because of these debts. I have a salary of about £27,000 of which I only buy some of the household shopping and things for the house. My husband pays all the bills. What is wrong with me? I am also worried about his health since he is a bad diabetic and has frequent hypos. He works late and this can make him irritable at times. Any upset or pushing me away could result in even more hypos and the resulting problems.
What is missing from my life right now? Well, apart from the obvious one of my dad I really miss my friends and my past social life. Most of my friends live in other parts of the country and to make things worse my oldest and closest friend is moving to America in a couple of weeks. All my main loves / interests I do not have access to. I used to spend hours playing the piano but now only get the chance to play when I visit my mum(about once a month). My husband is not too keen on getting a piano because we only have a small terraced house(which was his before we met). I also no longer ride a motorbike which was the big passion in my life. I had a bad accident over 5 years ago and my husband and parents were dead against me getting another. I couldn't afford one with all these debts anyway! Finally I always loved cats and when my cat of 18 years died I hoped in time I'd get another. That was 6 years ago. My husband will not let me get a cat. He thinks one will mess his house up. I know this sounds petty but I feel it would really help me if I had another cat. Recently I have developed a dangerous pattern of spending in the internet whlist I am waiting for my husband to come home. He is usually late(8/9pm).
It is only my love for my husband and mum which stops me seriously contemplating suicide. Please help.

[teresa]

Alison - saw your post and have to reply .......

I myself was in a heap of debt and it got as bad as it really could ..... balifs calling me at work to say they were at my flat ready to reposses ..... I ran from work and went home. At the time I was engaged to a wonderful guy who like your husband was careful with money etc.

I couldnt reason with the balifs and they wanted me out - the only person who could help me was my fiancee ...... I had no choice but to call him. Like you I was scared cos hey he could have dumped me but he left work and paid off the money I was due and that turned out ok.

I wouldnt admit to other debts but when I sold my flat to leave my home town and move in with him, well the letters from debt agencies kept on coming so I had no choice but to own up ..... it was hard again cos everytime I was asked "is this it" I said it was but of course it wasnt ...... just before we were due to get married, everything came out and I am glad it did.

My husband paid everything for me and I have been paying him back ever since. I only have around £3000 to pay back from aorund £11,000 and also have 2 Credit Cards now!!!

There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to be brave and tell your husband. He probably will be angry at first, my husband was, but he was fine in the end and helped me.

Why did I end up with so much debt?? I lost my parents, am an only child and had no family around me. I went off the rails.

If you want to keep in touch and talk away from here, let me know and we can email each other. Take care.

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím sorry to hear about your difficulties. Many of the themes that you bring up are familiar to me from my work on Spendaholics. You identify with just about all five of the key triggers that I list in my ìtipsî section of the Spendaholics BBC web-site.

Firstly, Iíd recommend that you watch the next four weeks of Spendaholics. I did three of the episodes and all three have issues in which you will relate to. In fact, apart from your cat, I think everything you bring up is dealt with in those three stories. Iím not sure how much of it will make it to the screen though. I havenít seen the programmes yet myself. Particularly an episode with Kate in Sheffield should interest you.

Your behaviour is an attempt to get attention for something too painful to name or discuss directly. Adoption is a serious event in any childhood. There are a range of possible emotional consequences. It might not be a factor, but it probably is. Adoption is always a compromise for everyone concerned. Therefore there will be feelings about that compromise. Overspending is often about wanting someone to come and save you. In your case, you never knew your real parents. There will inevitably be a fantasy (even if unconscious) that if only they came to get you everything would be ok.

Right now you are stuck between your unconscious expression of a desire to be listened to (expressed through the spending behaviour) and a conscious desire to cover up your situation (expressed through your secrecy). The tension between these two different internal agendas is tearing you apart. You need to start to diffuse it. You can only do that by talking to other people about what is going on for you.

If you can, look for a Debtors Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous meeting in your area. It may not be what you need, but it will be an instant source of a safe place to talk and share your issues. Ultimately you will need to find the courage to a) talk to your husband and accept his reaction, and talk to a counsellor about what might be underlying this cry for help. Once you get going with that programme you will make swift progress.

In the real world, outside of the tension of your head, nothing too bad has happened. A bit of money has been spent. You havenít hurt yourself or anyone else. The problem is what it is doing to your mind. Once you get some help with that, both from peers and from perhaps a professional, you should quickly recover and the money will slowly take care of itself.

[alison]

Thanks to both Teresa and Ben for their replies. Last night, rather than do the destructive thing of browsing the net shopping (I told myself I have been buying christmas presents but in truth only about 60% of my most recent splurge has been this) I took stock of my situation. I am just about touching 30K. This time last year when I last took out a consolidation loan it was 24K. For some reason, this seems to be the worst time of year for me. I can only assume that with having to do genuine shopping for 5 birthdays and christmas I see too much other stuff to tempt me, although a couple of events in my adult life have happened at this time (my first bike accident at 23 in 1993 which put me out of action for 6 months and starting my first teaching job in 1998 when I was bullied big time).
My first accident put me in serious financial difficulty as my funding for my postgraduate course dried up and I had to fund myself. This led me into a serious depression lasting over two years. When I started to be bullied in my first teaching job in 1998 I started spending to cheer myself up, to take my mind off the bullying. This is the time when I started the destructive spending habits that have ultimately led me to the position I am in today. Even now I don't feel secure in my job and keep thinking that I am a fraud who will be found out and sacked.
If recent years are anything to go by, I have now finished this recent splurge (which has cost about £2000 in the last six weeks, of which whilst much has been spending on essensial stuff, about £800 has still been what I call 'stupid spending' ) and I will be fairly good now until the January sales. I have decided that after Christmas is the best time to tell my husband for several reasons.
1. I will be able to show a few months of restrained (i.e no non essensial) spending.
2. I will also be able to show that I have started to sort myself out. I will find someone to talk to about all this. Just writing in this forum is already helping.
3. To tell him beforehand I run the risk of not only an even more negative reaction because of my past months spending, but of our families finding out.

Things are not critical just yet. Providing nothing major happens, I can afford to pay about £1300 /month towards my debts, providing I add no more. This includes the £702/loan (23K over 3 years) and minimum payments on my cards of around £400. This should just about tide me over to January when I would normally have my next splurge (which after seeking help I hope to be in a better position to resist anyway).
Things really started to get out of hand about 6 months before I got married (Aug 2000). I was out of work after failing my probationary year from my previous job(the one where I was bullied). I had plenty of temporary work but then I had my bike accident. I was only insured TPFT and there were no witnesses to the accident so I never got any compensation. I was off work two months with no pay. Added to this the fact that as a supply teacher I didn't get paid during the holidays and with a wedding fast approaching this started to get serious. I already had a debt (I think it was around £6000) which I was now struggling to pay with no income. Maybe if I'd told my husband then I might not have got into this state.
Since I had what could be described as a sucessful adoption with loving parents and only being four weeks old at the time, despite the teen years I mentioned earlier, I didn't see it as relevant. Can something that happened as a newborn really have that effect? Because I suffer from a genetic condition (iritis) that is linked to other more serious illnesses I tracked down my birth mother last year (yes, you guessed it spending even more money I don't have). I discovered that my birth father was violent and had threatened to take me to Hungary (his home country) which is why I was given up. She didn't feel like a long lost mum. In fact it's made me feel even more so that my mum is my real mum. But my mum doesn't know and this is yet another deception.
Any suggestions on the best way to break the news to my husband?
PS Ben there are no DA groups near where I live. Can you recommend a good counsellor in or around Sheffield?

[Benjamin Fry]

I canít give a recommendation Iím afraid. The UKCP or BACP can provide a list of accredited therapists and counsellors in your area.

Iím struck by the coincidence of your story and that of one of the Spendaholics episodes, Kate also in Sheffield. There are so many similarities in your stories that I wondered for a moment if you were in fact her. I wouldnít normally suggest this, but perhaps it is worth considering if you two could meet? She has investigated similar resources in your area and you could both be a source of mutual support. I canít give you any details directly to contact her, but if you call Betty TV and ask to speak to the Spendaholics team, then someone could pass a message to Kate on your behalf. 020 7290 0660. She is a really nice lady and has done some great work on her own similar issues.

One way to break the news to your husband is to write it down. Then you ask him for some time to deal with a serious conversation. Sit down with him and ask him to read what you have written. That way you can both be present and also make sure that you make your point in the way you wish to. It is unlikely that things will go as badly as you fear.

[alison]

Thanks Ben for your reply. I have already made an appointment with a counsellor who was recommended by one of my friends at work. This opening up to my friend, emailing teresa (who replied to this post) and writing on this forum are already really helping. I am still keen to hear your views on some of the issues I raised in my last post Ben. I will try and contact Kate like you suggested and I'll let you know how things work out.

[Benjamin Fry]

I think that you should be able to get some feel for which issues are affecting you the most after you have done some work with your counsellor. It is not really possible for me to judge at this distance what has affected you the most or least. It is likely that it all plays a part in a complex psychological web. You can only deal with one thing at a time so take it easy and just address what is most pressing. The important thing is that you are looking after yourself by getting some expert help.

Adoption is a big deal in subtle and complex ways. Tracing your birth mother is a great step forward in understanding how this affected you (or not). You might find that your feelings about her and the fact of finding her do develop in the future, but if not, just deal with what is bothering you and be grateful for what isnít.

[alison]

Thanks for all your help and advice Benjamin. I will keep you informed of how things progress. I just wish I'd found you years ago before things got so bad.

[Pamela2774]

Hi Alison,

I stumbled across this website last week and much of what I read touched a real nerve with me.

I currently owe £5400 between 3 credit cards and one loan. I know this is not the same size of problem that you have and maybe you even think I don't have that big a problem (!) but I've known for some time that my spending was out of control and that I would need to do something about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and have always had different approaches to money and spending. I'm very much spend now, think later whereas Dougie is more "save, save, save" like a wee animal getting reading to hibernate for winter ! This has caused problems in the past and a few years ago when he found out I owed £1000 he went nuts. I don't mean to make him sound like a complete control freak but he had a very different upbringing from myself and had to save every last penny so he has a great deal of respect for money and hates to see it squandered or wasted.

Since we've been living together for the past 2 years we've been under a lot of stress. Dougie started his own business but then had to wind it up when things didn't work out. I've had a lot of problems & stress within my family regarding things that are out of my control (brother's alcoholism) and as we live next door to my parents, I've been involved in a lot of situations and seen a lot more than I would have if we had moved away. This has also caused more problems between Dougie and I think he often feels that my family come before him which isn't the case but I can see how he interprets things this way. Whilst all these various ups and downs have been going on, I've spending away and buying things that I didn't need. It was basically a quick fix at the time and made me feel good for all of 5 mins. At the weekend I told him about owing £5400 and he went ballistic. We haven't been getting on well at all over the past few months so I thought now was as good a time as any to tell him since we needed to lay all of our cards on the table and be 100% honest. If the worst came to the worst I had prepared myself for us to split up but I thought that he at least deserved to know what the situation was.

Once the initial shock wore off we sat down and spoke about what I was going to do. All of my cards are now cut up, I've applied for a Northern Rock Loan at a fixed rate of 5.6% and been accepted and I've worked out a budget which I'm going to do my best to stick to. I've told my family that Christmas for me is cancelled this year since I have a massive family and end up spending a fortune every year. I'm skint but for the first time in a long time I feel happy and I can sleep easy at night. That horrible knotted feeling has gone from my stomach. I know that this is down to the fact that I've done something about the actual debt but what was eating me up most was the fact that I had lied to Dougie. You will obviously have no control over how your husband reacts but I'm certain that you will feel better within yourself once you've told him. Sorry for rambling on. I really hope things work out for you.

Pam
x

[alison]

Thanks Pamela for your reply. I only wish that I'd told my husband when my debt was so much smaller like yours. At the time, I didn't feel it was a problem because when my debt was your size, much of it I could put down to problems outside my control rather than my spending. Be wary of consolidation loans, that's how I started to develop a big debt. I look at what I have with my husband and can't believe I've been so stupid as to put it at risk. Yes, I know that when I finally get it off my chest it will be a big relief but because of the sheer size of it I am very worried about the possibility of him leaving me. You have done the right thing to own up before things got any worse. The worst thing? I am now 35 and because of the debt I have not even started to try for a family. I can see me ending up childless because of this which I would regret for the rest of my life. My husband does not have strong feelings either way but with this debt I have not been able to talk to him about it. Don't let this happen to you.

[Pamela2774]

Hi Alison,

I'm in a similar situation actually. All of my friends seem to be either pregnant or just had kids and I would love to have a baby asap! I'm 31 and my Mum went through the menopause at 35 so it's always something that I've been concerned about. Dougie is keen to have kids too but I know because of how he thinks about money & our finances we'd need to have quite a bit saved before he felt 100% happy with starting a family. We had a pretty bad week. Shortly after I posted my first message I think he started to have major second thoughts about being able to trust me in the future which is understandable. We ended up arguing on Thursday & Friday night as I wanted to make it clear that although he has good reason to feel the way he does, there were problems in the relationship before he found out about the VISA bill and if he can't trust me then there is absolutely no point carrying on. We either both try as hard as we can or call it a day now as I'll be *****d if I'm going to have him cast this up to me every time we argue or he's feeling insecure about me. He said that he was worried that if things got rough again I would start spending but I was trying to explain to him that I honestly feel like I've had a real "lightbulb" moment. I'm not doing this for him or anyone else. I'm doing it for myself because I'm 31 and it's time I got my life in order and admitted that I've been unhappy and do something about it. It's quite funny actually because this is the poorest I've ever been, our house is a complete disaster and my car is just about to die any day but this is the happiest I have been in a long time. Why ? Because as well as being honest with him I'm being completely honest with myself. If he did choose to walk away then I would be devastated, but I'd still have my own s**t to deal with and sort out so I might as well get started working on it now.

Thanks for your advice on the loan but I do honestly feel it's the best thing for me. This past week I've even got out of the habit of using switch to pay for things and am trying to use cash whenever possible as I want to get out of the habit of using cards to pay for anything. Do you think a lot of your spending is also down to the fact that you don't have any children and there is some kind of void in your life ? I really hope things get better for you. How have you been getting on with the counsellor ? I have suggested to Dougie that we go and see a counsellor together as there is a lot that I feel we need to work through as a couple. He's very reluctant but I'm hoping to wear him down !

Pam
x

[alison]

Hi Joanne and thanks for your support. You sound just like me. I too have nothing to show for it, don't drive a flash car or have an expensive taste in clothes, the house is my husbands etc. Also, when I was 30 my debt was a similar size to yours so what has happened to me is the way you might have gone if you'd not started to sort yourself out. I started to see a therapist yesterday and I am confident I will sort myself out. The last few weeks I have been really good and really don't like spending at all at the moment! I wish I'd sorted myself out earlier before I got this deep in debt (lastest figure is around 27K). I haven't told my husband yet. I want to show him my progress first in the hope he will respond better if he can see I am doing something. My therapist agrees with this. I am telling him in February because January is the second anniversary of my dads death and I will have enough on dealing with that. How did your partner react by the way and how did you tell him?
Take care and good luck.

[alison]

Thanks for your reply Joanne. I will let you know how things progress. If you would like to keep in touch for mutual support please send me an email. We sound to have a lot in common. I am getting a lot of support this way from teresa(the first reply) which is really helping. If Pamela is reading this, this goes for you too.
Take care, alison x