Wednesday 28th September 12.51pm
Hi, I am starting this new post as I am extremely puzzled and wondered if anyone had got any thoughts on the situation.
You can see from my other posts that I am a married woman with two children.
This is what makes this topic so puzzling and I dont really know where to begin. What I am trying to say, is that for the first time in my life, at the age of 48 years old, I am finding my self "attracted" to another woman!!! I am quite shocked by this. I have no-idea why this should be, not a clue and I must admit I am a bit worried.
This woman is the type of person I would normally steer clear of. She is quite glamorous and elegant and normally I would back off, keep out of her way. But this lady is a school teacher and I see her a couple of days every week. I know she is approx 45 years old so she is nearly my age.
Whats going on you may ask? Well, I dont know! But I can tell you that I have most definately NOT had any thoughts of a sexual nature about this woman I am relieved to say. This lady is always concerned about me and I cant figure this out, but she seems to hold my gaze for that bit longer than necessary. Its like I am trying to "see" what she is thinking or vice versa. She is quite attractive but its something that goes beyond that physical attraction. Its "vibes" I am getting from her! I am sorry, I must sound like a real head case! Its just that I am trying to describe something that has never happened to me before and I am damned if I know why it has happened now. I have seen her this morning and will see her tomorrow as well. I wonder if she is "aware" of all this and has wondered whats going on? It may be that its never even entered her head - I will probably never know the answer to that one.
The thing now is that I will see this woman every week till July next year. Nothing will happen or be said - I will simply have to muddle along and ignore all the above. It will not stop me thinking about it all though.
Has anyone got any ideas as to whats happening here or why I should feel an "attraction" for this woman? I know I am not a lesbian - I have fancied men all my life and still do, even though I have been married for 13 years.
Thanks for listening.
I look forward to any replies.
Shirl
Attraction?!!!
#2 Guest_DC_*
Posted 28 September 2005 - 01:56 PM
Hi Shirley,
It's me again. You say you are certen you have no homosexual leanings and you really should know best. There are occassions where people have an interest in the same sex but won't admit it and suppress it and it causes them alot of problems, especially in relationships with the opposite sex.
It could very well be that there is a "vibe" and you are just two people who would make very good friends. It may also be that she is just an outgoing person who tends to look everyone in the eye and make extended eye contact. Why not try to get to know her a little better when you see her? Don't make any unnecessary extra visits or anything but when you do have occassion to talk to her try to develop the conversation.
Wouldn't it be nice it she was a special friend just waiting to happen? You mention her looks, I'm assuming because you don't generally think of this sort of person as friend material but remember that its what's on the inside that counts.
Best wishes, D.
It's me again. You say you are certen you have no homosexual leanings and you really should know best. There are occassions where people have an interest in the same sex but won't admit it and suppress it and it causes them alot of problems, especially in relationships with the opposite sex.
It could very well be that there is a "vibe" and you are just two people who would make very good friends. It may also be that she is just an outgoing person who tends to look everyone in the eye and make extended eye contact. Why not try to get to know her a little better when you see her? Don't make any unnecessary extra visits or anything but when you do have occassion to talk to her try to develop the conversation.
Wouldn't it be nice it she was a special friend just waiting to happen? You mention her looks, I'm assuming because you don't generally think of this sort of person as friend material but remember that its what's on the inside that counts.
Best wishes, D.
#3
Sherri 
- Advanced Member
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Posted 28 September 2005 - 11:59 PM
Hi Shirley,
Could it be that she has some quality that you wish to have? You mentioned that ěShe is quite glamorous and elegantÖî (I would consider this is a sign of something good, therefore willing to have more friends like that). But then you said ěnormally I would back off, keep out of her way.î What does that say about your psy?
I am just guessing, maybe after all these months of mental process, you finally able to relate yourself with more positive image, therefore be attracted to people that has some of those qualities? I have been reading all your posts with close attention and I can see that you have come a long way.
You want to know how she treats others? Just stick around for longer time. I often stay around for half an hour or more when I go pick up my daughter from the daycare center. It is a good way to get to know more about the place and the people. Sometimes I was able to help making their life easier. I had made good friends with some teachers.
Do you have friends that keep bringing you good spirit and good energy? Was it part of your life to get positive attention? How does that feel?
All the best.
Sherri
Could it be that she has some quality that you wish to have? You mentioned that ěShe is quite glamorous and elegantÖî (I would consider this is a sign of something good, therefore willing to have more friends like that). But then you said ěnormally I would back off, keep out of her way.î What does that say about your psy?
I am just guessing, maybe after all these months of mental process, you finally able to relate yourself with more positive image, therefore be attracted to people that has some of those qualities? I have been reading all your posts with close attention and I can see that you have come a long way.
You want to know how she treats others? Just stick around for longer time. I often stay around for half an hour or more when I go pick up my daughter from the daycare center. It is a good way to get to know more about the place and the people. Sometimes I was able to help making their life easier. I had made good friends with some teachers.
Do you have friends that keep bringing you good spirit and good energy? Was it part of your life to get positive attention? How does that feel?
All the best.
Sherri
#4 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 29 September 2005 - 06:52 PM
Thursday 19.27pm 29th September
Hi DC, Thanks for your post - much appreciated. I definately have never had any homosexual leanings - if I could tell you that to your face, I would do so. I have never been the slightest bit "interested". Thats why I cannot understand whats happening now.
Do you think that people are possibly interested in the same sex, but wont admit it, more than society realises? Yes, I can imagine that people would not admit it and, as you say, suppress it. I wonder if, without knowing it, I have been interested all along but have been surpressing it?!!!!! I dont know the answer to that, only that as far as I know, I have not been interested in women before in my life. But its food for thought...........
Yes it may be that she is just outgoing and tends to look everyone in the eye and make extended eye contact. I have to say though that I noticed that "questioning" look on her face again today. She said nothing at the time - it was just an expression on her face that made me wonder what she is thinking. I have never noticed anything like this with anyone else before in my life, not a female I mean.
Yes, I could try and develop a conversation with her. And as you say, maybe she is a friend waiting to happen. Thats right, I have never considered someone with her appearance as friend material, not only that but she is a professional and I am far from professional. So I have always backed away from these sort of people. As you say though, its whats on the inside that counts. Time will tell.........
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
Hi DC, Thanks for your post - much appreciated. I definately have never had any homosexual leanings - if I could tell you that to your face, I would do so. I have never been the slightest bit "interested". Thats why I cannot understand whats happening now.
Do you think that people are possibly interested in the same sex, but wont admit it, more than society realises? Yes, I can imagine that people would not admit it and, as you say, suppress it. I wonder if, without knowing it, I have been interested all along but have been surpressing it?!!!!! I dont know the answer to that, only that as far as I know, I have not been interested in women before in my life. But its food for thought...........
Yes it may be that she is just outgoing and tends to look everyone in the eye and make extended eye contact. I have to say though that I noticed that "questioning" look on her face again today. She said nothing at the time - it was just an expression on her face that made me wonder what she is thinking. I have never noticed anything like this with anyone else before in my life, not a female I mean.
Yes, I could try and develop a conversation with her. And as you say, maybe she is a friend waiting to happen. Thats right, I have never considered someone with her appearance as friend material, not only that but she is a professional and I am far from professional. So I have always backed away from these sort of people. As you say though, its whats on the inside that counts. Time will tell.........
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
#5 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 29 September 2005 - 07:24 PM
Thursday 19.51pm 29th September
Hi Sherri, Many thanks for your post - much appreciated. You ask, could it be that this woman has some quality that I wish to have? The answer to that would be most definately but the other teachers have the same qualities and I dont get any vibes from them. Also, what I cannot understand is the fact that I saw this lady all last year, 2 or 3 times a week and there was nothing about it. Its only just arisen since September this year so a few weeks really. Yes, I normally back off her type as glamour/good looks etc make me feel uneasy. so I must have feelings of insecurity I suppose.
I am not sure about relating to someone with a more positive image though I do understand what you mean of course. Again, the other teachers are positive but there are no "vibes" there.
Yes, I could stick around longer to see how she treats others - however, even if she gave them the same "treatment" as me, the question would still be, why am I feeling like I do?!!!
You ask was it part of my life to get positive attention? Well the attention I got from home was NEGATIVE, utterly and completely. So maybe I am on the look out for positive feedback all the time, positive comments and such like. Or even to feel that I am accepted for who I am as I have not been. My dad didnt accept me for who I am and neither does hubby if he were honest. He may think he does but its only up to a point. He doesnt really know me - I have kept half of me hidden for all these years! The only people who really accept me for who I am are my mum and my twins!
I had better stop. Think I will go and put the kettle on. Wish I could get the vibes from this woman out of my mind! I have never been so puzzled. At least my friend is coming tomorrow for a couple of days so we are going to have a good natter all weekend. I need to talk and so does she. I dont know if I will let on about the teacher though!
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
Hi Sherri, Many thanks for your post - much appreciated. You ask, could it be that this woman has some quality that I wish to have? The answer to that would be most definately but the other teachers have the same qualities and I dont get any vibes from them. Also, what I cannot understand is the fact that I saw this lady all last year, 2 or 3 times a week and there was nothing about it. Its only just arisen since September this year so a few weeks really. Yes, I normally back off her type as glamour/good looks etc make me feel uneasy. so I must have feelings of insecurity I suppose.
I am not sure about relating to someone with a more positive image though I do understand what you mean of course. Again, the other teachers are positive but there are no "vibes" there.
Yes, I could stick around longer to see how she treats others - however, even if she gave them the same "treatment" as me, the question would still be, why am I feeling like I do?!!!
You ask was it part of my life to get positive attention? Well the attention I got from home was NEGATIVE, utterly and completely. So maybe I am on the look out for positive feedback all the time, positive comments and such like. Or even to feel that I am accepted for who I am as I have not been. My dad didnt accept me for who I am and neither does hubby if he were honest. He may think he does but its only up to a point. He doesnt really know me - I have kept half of me hidden for all these years! The only people who really accept me for who I am are my mum and my twins!
I had better stop. Think I will go and put the kettle on. Wish I could get the vibes from this woman out of my mind! I have never been so puzzled. At least my friend is coming tomorrow for a couple of days so we are going to have a good natter all weekend. I need to talk and so does she. I dont know if I will let on about the teacher though!
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
#6 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 30 September 2005 - 09:28 PM
'I know I am not a lesbian - I have fancied men all my life and still do'
Bisexual individuals fancy both genders.
'Well, I dont know! But I can tell you that I have most definately NOT had any thoughts of a sexual nature about this woman I am relieved to say'
Why do you say relieved? What is wrong with a woman fancying a woman? It happens. If you have spent your whole life believing that homosexuality is somthing to be relieved about 'not being', what possibility is there that you may have ruled out of existence a dimension of yourself that is latent.
So many of our attitudes twoards sex are inherited from society, and I'm assuming you are English now, but most British people have very conditioned negative associations with homosexuality. It was illegal until 1967, it was banned in the Armed Forces until recently, and the biggest playground insult was to taunt someone that they are gay. I am straight - as far as I am aware - but find the mainstream attitude to homosexuality lamentable, but then I'm a woolly liberal. Where did you acquire your attitudes. How have they shaped your perceptions of others and yourself. What chance have you had to discover the true you?
Bisexual individuals fancy both genders.
'Well, I dont know! But I can tell you that I have most definately NOT had any thoughts of a sexual nature about this woman I am relieved to say'
Why do you say relieved? What is wrong with a woman fancying a woman? It happens. If you have spent your whole life believing that homosexuality is somthing to be relieved about 'not being', what possibility is there that you may have ruled out of existence a dimension of yourself that is latent.
So many of our attitudes twoards sex are inherited from society, and I'm assuming you are English now, but most British people have very conditioned negative associations with homosexuality. It was illegal until 1967, it was banned in the Armed Forces until recently, and the biggest playground insult was to taunt someone that they are gay. I am straight - as far as I am aware - but find the mainstream attitude to homosexuality lamentable, but then I'm a woolly liberal. Where did you acquire your attitudes. How have they shaped your perceptions of others and yourself. What chance have you had to discover the true you?
#7 Guest_DC_*
Posted 30 September 2005 - 11:46 PM
Hi Shirley,
Just another thought: I wonder if your child might have written or said something in the course of school work that the teacher wants to speak with you about but can't think of how to do it because it is personal. Like I said before, children are very perceptive and will often notice that things aren't right at home. Sometimes they will talk about it at school.
When you said she didn't act that way last year, it just got me wondering. D.
Just another thought: I wonder if your child might have written or said something in the course of school work that the teacher wants to speak with you about but can't think of how to do it because it is personal. Like I said before, children are very perceptive and will often notice that things aren't right at home. Sometimes they will talk about it at school.
When you said she didn't act that way last year, it just got me wondering. D.
#8 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 03 October 2005 - 07:39 PM
Monday 3rd Oct 20.19pm
Hi Guest, Many thanks for your message. You ask what is wrong with a woman fancying a woman? Well, for starters children are the result of sex between men and women. In my view, rightly or wrongly, this is the way it was meant to be. A man and a woman bringing up kids together. A few years back I would have said they would have to be married but thats not the case anymore. You ask why I say I am relieved about not being homosexual. Well, If I had have been, my family, relatives etc, in particular my father, would have completely rejected me - dads already rejected me over the years . Had I been homosexual, that would have been the end of me and him. Maybe I have ruled out of existance a dimension of myself thats latent. Maybe I will never find out for sure.
Where did I aquire my attitudes you ask? I dont know - they have just been with me all these years - I am 48 years old now. How have they shaped my perceptions of others and myself you ask? This will take some thinking about so I will answer this another time, ok.
You mention about the opportunity I have had to discover the true me. To be truthful, I dont honestly feel like I have ever dicovered the true me. I feel like a great part of me is hidden and never been revealed. I dare say, I dont know who I am really. I suppose you could say that I have not found myself. Also, I know that I am not a peace with myself either. Where I will find inner peace and also find the real me, I have no idea.
I will be back here soon ok.
Thanks again.
Shirley
Hi Guest, Many thanks for your message. You ask what is wrong with a woman fancying a woman? Well, for starters children are the result of sex between men and women. In my view, rightly or wrongly, this is the way it was meant to be. A man and a woman bringing up kids together. A few years back I would have said they would have to be married but thats not the case anymore. You ask why I say I am relieved about not being homosexual. Well, If I had have been, my family, relatives etc, in particular my father, would have completely rejected me - dads already rejected me over the years . Had I been homosexual, that would have been the end of me and him. Maybe I have ruled out of existance a dimension of myself thats latent. Maybe I will never find out for sure.
Where did I aquire my attitudes you ask? I dont know - they have just been with me all these years - I am 48 years old now. How have they shaped my perceptions of others and myself you ask? This will take some thinking about so I will answer this another time, ok.
You mention about the opportunity I have had to discover the true me. To be truthful, I dont honestly feel like I have ever dicovered the true me. I feel like a great part of me is hidden and never been revealed. I dare say, I dont know who I am really. I suppose you could say that I have not found myself. Also, I know that I am not a peace with myself either. Where I will find inner peace and also find the real me, I have no idea.
I will be back here soon ok.
Thanks again.
Shirley
#9 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 03 October 2005 - 07:47 PM
Monday 3rd Oct 20.37pm
Hi DC, Thanks for your post. Your thought is an interesting one but its nothing to do with that I am afraid. When I said teacher - I meant tutor, my tutor! I am in college 3 days a week and see this tutor 2 of those 3 days. As it happens, I am having my review with her on Wednesday at approx 2pm!!! I dont know if I am looking forward to it or not. I will maybe get the chance to see if I have been "imagining" things or not. I keep telling myself not to be so silly - then I see this womans expression and lingering gaze and I simply do not understand.
I will leave it there but I will be back soon.
Take care.
shirley
Hi DC, Thanks for your post. Your thought is an interesting one but its nothing to do with that I am afraid. When I said teacher - I meant tutor, my tutor! I am in college 3 days a week and see this tutor 2 of those 3 days. As it happens, I am having my review with her on Wednesday at approx 2pm!!! I dont know if I am looking forward to it or not. I will maybe get the chance to see if I have been "imagining" things or not. I keep telling myself not to be so silly - then I see this womans expression and lingering gaze and I simply do not understand.
I will leave it there but I will be back soon.
Take care.
shirley
#10 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 04 October 2005 - 01:30 PM
Tuesday 4th Oct 12.34pm
Hi Guest, Going to where did I acquire my attitudes, I would say from my family back ground. I grew up with my dad who could not even deal with the break down of my brothers first marriage, let alone cope with me if I had come home with a girl friend. I grew up in a village in Yorkshire and unfortunately, apart from my brother, his mates and my mates, all our relatives/ parents friends were elderly. They were the type that would have frowned upon homeosexuality as though it were the Black death or something. So, although I have never been like our elderly relatives, most of whom have since died, I have just taken the view that its wrong. After all, two women cant (naturally) concieve a baby together can they? Or two men come to that. And I still think that a baby needs a father and a mother, not a mother and a mother. Perhaps my views are dated, if you tell me they are, I will only agree with you. But a male/female partnership is to me, the norm.
Have my attitudes shaped my perceptions you ask. I dont think so. Whilst I have been relieved that I am not homosexual, I have known homosexuals who are really nice people. One girl in college a year ago was great and we had a male tutor who was homo too. He was a lot of fun and always had a smile on his face, full of beans and very approachable. The girl lived with a girl and the fella lived with a man. I wasnt put off them because I dont agree with their sexuality - I just ignored it and carried on as usual.
Have my perceptions of myself been shaped by my attitudes you ask? Quite possibly! It is not something I have ever thought of before. Maybe this woman is going to "show" me things about myself that I never knew existed, bring out things about me that I had not been aware of before. Because as I said on another post - I dont know the true me. I dont know who I am, why I am here, what my true purpose (other than my family) is. I do not feel easy inside. My husband doesnt know me either. He only knows the outer layer. He has never taken the time to peel the layers away and I, in turn, have never let him get close either. Perhaps I have never let a man get truly close as I have been homo (or bi-sexual) all along?!!! I dont know, I am just rambling now but answers come sometimes from innocent ramblings dont they?
I have got a review with this woman tomorrow - she is one of my tutors in college. I am not sure wether I am looking forward to seeing her or not but I have no say in it either way.
I will stop here as I have got a friend calling here in a minute or two.
Thanks for listening
Shirley
Hi Guest, Going to where did I acquire my attitudes, I would say from my family back ground. I grew up with my dad who could not even deal with the break down of my brothers first marriage, let alone cope with me if I had come home with a girl friend. I grew up in a village in Yorkshire and unfortunately, apart from my brother, his mates and my mates, all our relatives/ parents friends were elderly. They were the type that would have frowned upon homeosexuality as though it were the Black death or something. So, although I have never been like our elderly relatives, most of whom have since died, I have just taken the view that its wrong. After all, two women cant (naturally) concieve a baby together can they? Or two men come to that. And I still think that a baby needs a father and a mother, not a mother and a mother. Perhaps my views are dated, if you tell me they are, I will only agree with you. But a male/female partnership is to me, the norm.
Have my attitudes shaped my perceptions you ask. I dont think so. Whilst I have been relieved that I am not homosexual, I have known homosexuals who are really nice people. One girl in college a year ago was great and we had a male tutor who was homo too. He was a lot of fun and always had a smile on his face, full of beans and very approachable. The girl lived with a girl and the fella lived with a man. I wasnt put off them because I dont agree with their sexuality - I just ignored it and carried on as usual.
Have my perceptions of myself been shaped by my attitudes you ask? Quite possibly! It is not something I have ever thought of before. Maybe this woman is going to "show" me things about myself that I never knew existed, bring out things about me that I had not been aware of before. Because as I said on another post - I dont know the true me. I dont know who I am, why I am here, what my true purpose (other than my family) is. I do not feel easy inside. My husband doesnt know me either. He only knows the outer layer. He has never taken the time to peel the layers away and I, in turn, have never let him get close either. Perhaps I have never let a man get truly close as I have been homo (or bi-sexual) all along?!!! I dont know, I am just rambling now but answers come sometimes from innocent ramblings dont they?
I have got a review with this woman tomorrow - she is one of my tutors in college. I am not sure wether I am looking forward to seeing her or not but I have no say in it either way.
I will stop here as I have got a friend calling here in a minute or two.
Thanks for listening
Shirley
#11 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 05 October 2005 - 05:33 PM
Wednesday 18.23pm
Hi DC, Guest and Sherry I have now come to realise what it is about this woman that I find so attractive! Its because she is very like a fella I fell for a couple of years ago! She has virtually the same personality as him only I had not realised that I would find those qualities attractive in a woman - for sure it has never happened before!!! To be truthul, I find her presence quite distracting. I have seen her today and will see her tomorrow afternoon as well. But I am going to have to "call a halt" to all these thoughts I am haiving about her. After all, I am married and so is she. These facts do not, however, stop the vibes I am getting from her!
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
Hi DC, Guest and Sherry I have now come to realise what it is about this woman that I find so attractive! Its because she is very like a fella I fell for a couple of years ago! She has virtually the same personality as him only I had not realised that I would find those qualities attractive in a woman - for sure it has never happened before!!! To be truthul, I find her presence quite distracting. I have seen her today and will see her tomorrow afternoon as well. But I am going to have to "call a halt" to all these thoughts I am haiving about her. After all, I am married and so is she. These facts do not, however, stop the vibes I am getting from her!
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
#12 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 19 October 2005 - 08:00 PM
Hi all, I am still thinking about this woman who I was with last night in college and also all today in college. I cannot weigh up why I am thinking about a woman! The only explanantion is that although I find her personality attractive, I need someone to look up to and admire from afar. But I am not clear why. Wether its linked to the breakdown of my marriage, I am not sure. So far I have only told one close friend about it. I feel quite strange really. If the others in college knew, the news would be round the class like wild fire!
All for now.
Shirley
All for now.
Shirley
#13 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 15 November 2005 - 08:01 PM
Tuesday 15th Nov 19.50pm
Hi again, I have been thinking about this issue of "attraction" and been trying to make some sort of sense of it. Not only is it attraction but its a sort of mentally "hanging on" to poeple. Or, to describe it another way, having a sort of relationship with them in my mind where everything is perfect and wonderful and nothing can ever spoil it. To be truthful, I think that this is the best place for me to have a relationship with someone, in my mind. However, this doesnt answer why I am attracted to this woman. I have thought about her often when I have not been in her company and there are definately "lingering" looks from her - why, i have no idea. I just wish I knew what she was thinking. More than likely I will never know the answer to that one will i? Anyway, I will be with her for most of tomorrow. Its ridiculous, my stomach churns at the idea of seeing her.... Thanks for listening.
Back soon.
Basil
Hi again, I have been thinking about this issue of "attraction" and been trying to make some sort of sense of it. Not only is it attraction but its a sort of mentally "hanging on" to poeple. Or, to describe it another way, having a sort of relationship with them in my mind where everything is perfect and wonderful and nothing can ever spoil it. To be truthful, I think that this is the best place for me to have a relationship with someone, in my mind. However, this doesnt answer why I am attracted to this woman. I have thought about her often when I have not been in her company and there are definately "lingering" looks from her - why, i have no idea. I just wish I knew what she was thinking. More than likely I will never know the answer to that one will i? Anyway, I will be with her for most of tomorrow. Its ridiculous, my stomach churns at the idea of seeing her.... Thanks for listening.
Back soon.
Basil
#14 Guest_CJ_*
Posted 16 November 2005 - 04:29 PM
Hi Basil,
I just wanted to say that if you really reflect on things you probably have already answered a lot of your own questions by way of your last post. And itís all to do with your mental construction of this person - or the "mental hanging on" that you described.
If you think about it, the only way that we can 'know' people is by building up our own pictures of them in our minds. These pictures can never be absolutely objective, or precisely correspond with how the person truly is, because everyone's perceptions are in some ways coloured by their own biases.
I think that when it comes to people we are attracted to, our mental representations of them are likely to be particularly unrealistic. Because we 'want' them on some primordial level, our unconscious mind has a strong incentive to try and convince our more rational mind of how great this person is, and will tend to focus our attention on those specific aspects of the person that appear in keeping with our own particular fantasies.
For example, I think that you mentioned before about having some alternating feelings about your husband, but think about it this way: When he's not there your thoughts might reflect upon his more favourable aspects, become nostalgic about past good times etc, and will create a specific mental picture of him, partly relating to how you would like him to be. However, when you see him he may at some point act in some way that contradicts this picture you have created, because it is likely to be an idealised one, and you will suddenly find you no longer like him so much as you did when we wasn't there. But ultimately itís the mental picture that you like the most rather than his true self.
Coming back to this woman, I think that because you are in general feeling not too happy in your life, you natural instincts are causing you to subconsciously search for possible solutions to this. And because the sexual instinct is such a prevalent part of us, this may be manifesting in your having these recurrent thoughts about this woman. You perhaps see her as someone idyllic who can 'take you away from it all' or someone you can enjoy a deeper connection with. That's not to say that she isn't or you can't, but it I think that the reason you are so preoccupied with it is because you are quite desperately seeking reprieve form your current circumstances.
I've read before that it's almost impossible to seduce someone who is happy, whereas it is relatively easy to seduce someone who is not - by simply appearing as they might like you to be, i.e. an outlet for what they fantasise about. I'm not saying the women is in any way trying to seduce you, but I think you just desperately want to be seduced on some subconscious level.
Iím afraid I donít have any immediate solutions to offer. Being with someone else might make you happier. At the moment I think you are just keeping yourself coasting along by indulging in these kinds of daydreams. And thatís not a particular criticism because you are certainly not alone in so doing. Maybe the best thing for you to do would be to reflect deeply on what it is you really want from life; what is realistically feasible, trying not to be too swayed by fantasies; and then how you might go about getting it.
Just a thought though.
I just wanted to say that if you really reflect on things you probably have already answered a lot of your own questions by way of your last post. And itís all to do with your mental construction of this person - or the "mental hanging on" that you described.
If you think about it, the only way that we can 'know' people is by building up our own pictures of them in our minds. These pictures can never be absolutely objective, or precisely correspond with how the person truly is, because everyone's perceptions are in some ways coloured by their own biases.
I think that when it comes to people we are attracted to, our mental representations of them are likely to be particularly unrealistic. Because we 'want' them on some primordial level, our unconscious mind has a strong incentive to try and convince our more rational mind of how great this person is, and will tend to focus our attention on those specific aspects of the person that appear in keeping with our own particular fantasies.
For example, I think that you mentioned before about having some alternating feelings about your husband, but think about it this way: When he's not there your thoughts might reflect upon his more favourable aspects, become nostalgic about past good times etc, and will create a specific mental picture of him, partly relating to how you would like him to be. However, when you see him he may at some point act in some way that contradicts this picture you have created, because it is likely to be an idealised one, and you will suddenly find you no longer like him so much as you did when we wasn't there. But ultimately itís the mental picture that you like the most rather than his true self.
Coming back to this woman, I think that because you are in general feeling not too happy in your life, you natural instincts are causing you to subconsciously search for possible solutions to this. And because the sexual instinct is such a prevalent part of us, this may be manifesting in your having these recurrent thoughts about this woman. You perhaps see her as someone idyllic who can 'take you away from it all' or someone you can enjoy a deeper connection with. That's not to say that she isn't or you can't, but it I think that the reason you are so preoccupied with it is because you are quite desperately seeking reprieve form your current circumstances.
I've read before that it's almost impossible to seduce someone who is happy, whereas it is relatively easy to seduce someone who is not - by simply appearing as they might like you to be, i.e. an outlet for what they fantasise about. I'm not saying the women is in any way trying to seduce you, but I think you just desperately want to be seduced on some subconscious level.
Iím afraid I donít have any immediate solutions to offer. Being with someone else might make you happier. At the moment I think you are just keeping yourself coasting along by indulging in these kinds of daydreams. And thatís not a particular criticism because you are certainly not alone in so doing. Maybe the best thing for you to do would be to reflect deeply on what it is you really want from life; what is realistically feasible, trying not to be too swayed by fantasies; and then how you might go about getting it.
Just a thought though.
#15 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 17 November 2005 - 10:17 PM
Thursday 17th November 22.16pm
Hi CJ, Thanks for your reply to my message - much appreciated. I will reply to it in the next couple of days, ok.
From Basil
Hi CJ, Thanks for your reply to my message - much appreciated. I will reply to it in the next couple of days, ok.
From Basil
