Friday 9th September 22.22pm
Hi, I am am 48 year old mum of twins and have been living in this Northern seaside town for 11 years now. I am married to the twins dad and we do "get on" although things are far from how I would like them to be.
I regret to say that finding work here as been very difficult as I have no help with the kids in the school holidays and child care is so expensive as you know. So a lot of my days, I have beeen home alone. However I am now at college doing Hairdressing full time!!
What I am coming to is the fact that I spend too much, have done for years since I got married 13 years ago. Not only do I spend too much but mostly, its on Comfort Food! Take today for example: I went to Tescos to buy milk and bread and ended up spending £17.00!!! This is a regular occurance. I find that I will then try and justify it so its "ok". But deep down, I know its not. We dont have a lot of money here and dont go abroad on holiday. I know that I should stop spending £17 or £20 when I only want milk and bread really. But I feel that my spending is linked to inner lonelyness.
I had a really bad relationship with my dad. He was guilty of emotional abuse and he was excentric when it came to money. He was aware of every penny that went in and out of his pocket and went on and on to other people about how they were foolish to spend their money on this or buy that. Money was a subject that you did not mention if you did not have to as it would result in an explosion. And you never asked dad for money - he had a huge chip on his shoulder about it. He said that I should be aware of what is going on financially when I get married and save, save, save!!1 Well, we dont save though we could if we managed our money better.
Hubby by contrast is too relaxed with money and it scares me. I have told him this. He does not stop to think at all about what he spends, then when we are in the Red, he blames it on "big bills this month" instead of admitting he should not have bought this or that. I have told hubby that I know I am spending more than I should and dont know how to stop it. Its like I get a boost when I go to the supermarket!! I wish I knew why I was doing this and wish I could stop but I have no idea how.
Can you please suggest ways around this.
Many thanks.
Shirley
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Spendaholic Supermarket spender
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 20 September 2005 - 02:49 PM
Youíve identified your spending as having an emotional root. Therefore you are going to need to work on the emotions in order to deal with the spending. It sounds like you have issues about your father. What kind of help could you get for some counselling or psychotherapy?
Comfort eating is an effort to both pick yourself up and to repress feelings that you donít want to let out. You would benefit from some help accessing these feelings in a safe way. Perhaps next time you are feeling like eating you might instead write down some of your feelings and reflections on the past, like you did on this website. That could be a good start.
Comfort eating is an effort to both pick yourself up and to repress feelings that you donít want to let out. You would benefit from some help accessing these feelings in a safe way. Perhaps next time you are feeling like eating you might instead write down some of your feelings and reflections on the past, like you did on this website. That could be a good start.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#3 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 20 September 2005 - 08:46 PM
Tuesday 20th September 21.04pm
Hi Benjamin, Thanks for your post that I saw this afternoon. Yes, I am thinking that my spending/comfort eating both have an emotional root. I agree that my comfort eating does pick me up whilst at the same time, holding back feelings that I dont want to let out. I think it would be quite safe to say that my comfort eating is like a drug that, like an headache tablet, holds back the pain/anger/hurt/frustration etc. I am just wondering what "benefits" there are to my over spending. Its much easier to see the "benefits" to my comfort eating. What are your ideas on why people over spend other than just a generalised emotional root?
You may have read on another post on this website that I have just discovered why I have been so angry and annoyed with my husband to the point of being irrational over things that are virtually irrelevant. Had I asked myself, "what are the benefits of staying so angry for so long?" I may have realised sooner. In the event, the answer just came out of the Blue! My anger and rage have kept my husband at arms length - after all, you cannot be close to someone if you are always angry with them and looking for their "faults", can you? On this other post I was saying that my relationship with my hubby had started at a distance ( he was abroad in the forces) and I had no idea, that once I was married, I would not be able to deal with the closeness that it involved. So, without realising, I started nit picking and finding fault, getting really angry over things that didnt really matter, so as to keep him at a distance. It is only in the last couple of weeks, after 13 years of mariage, that I have realised this!!! I have no idea why I have been so slow to see this. But its because of my dad, I am sure, that I have had a problem with any close relationships over the years - in particular, with my husband. So yes, I do have major issues about my father, he has got a lot to anwer for. He has shown me that if I cannot trust him with my feelings/thoughts/words and emotions, well then I cannot trust anybody. He spent over 40 years pushing me to a side and rejecting me, kicking me into the gutter when I was already down, never listening to me or showing me that he cared, feeding me with pure negativity all my life, critising everything I did and said, trying to control me with anger and rage! That gives you some idea of what he was like - is there any wonder I have tried to keep at a distance from hubby?!!!
I am not sure what kind of help I can get for counselling or psychotherapy but I can look into it. Also, I can start writing down some of my feelings/reflections on the past when I feel like I am going to start comfort eating again.
Many thanks again for your reply.
From Shirley
Hi Benjamin, Thanks for your post that I saw this afternoon. Yes, I am thinking that my spending/comfort eating both have an emotional root. I agree that my comfort eating does pick me up whilst at the same time, holding back feelings that I dont want to let out. I think it would be quite safe to say that my comfort eating is like a drug that, like an headache tablet, holds back the pain/anger/hurt/frustration etc. I am just wondering what "benefits" there are to my over spending. Its much easier to see the "benefits" to my comfort eating. What are your ideas on why people over spend other than just a generalised emotional root?
You may have read on another post on this website that I have just discovered why I have been so angry and annoyed with my husband to the point of being irrational over things that are virtually irrelevant. Had I asked myself, "what are the benefits of staying so angry for so long?" I may have realised sooner. In the event, the answer just came out of the Blue! My anger and rage have kept my husband at arms length - after all, you cannot be close to someone if you are always angry with them and looking for their "faults", can you? On this other post I was saying that my relationship with my hubby had started at a distance ( he was abroad in the forces) and I had no idea, that once I was married, I would not be able to deal with the closeness that it involved. So, without realising, I started nit picking and finding fault, getting really angry over things that didnt really matter, so as to keep him at a distance. It is only in the last couple of weeks, after 13 years of mariage, that I have realised this!!! I have no idea why I have been so slow to see this. But its because of my dad, I am sure, that I have had a problem with any close relationships over the years - in particular, with my husband. So yes, I do have major issues about my father, he has got a lot to anwer for. He has shown me that if I cannot trust him with my feelings/thoughts/words and emotions, well then I cannot trust anybody. He spent over 40 years pushing me to a side and rejecting me, kicking me into the gutter when I was already down, never listening to me or showing me that he cared, feeding me with pure negativity all my life, critising everything I did and said, trying to control me with anger and rage! That gives you some idea of what he was like - is there any wonder I have tried to keep at a distance from hubby?!!!
I am not sure what kind of help I can get for counselling or psychotherapy but I can look into it. Also, I can start writing down some of my feelings/reflections on the past when I feel like I am going to start comfort eating again.
Many thanks again for your reply.
From Shirley
#4 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 12 November 2005 - 06:49 PM
Saturday 11th Nov
Hi, I saw Spendaholics the other night on BBC3. I found it fascinating. The girl involved was buying clothes and had accumalated huge debts. It turned out that her over spending was linked to depression and guilt. She was spending to find the ultimate thing that would make her feel better. All this rang true for me too. I have had problems with depression and anxiety over the years. And although I have not got debts at the moment, I know I am out of order when it comes to spending and that it wont be long before we are running into problems. I find it quite scary really. I find that when I spend money, I try and justify it which is a silly thing to do. But I am aware that I am "looking for something that will change my life"!!!!! Or, make me feel better. So this includes anything from clothes to chocolate, food stuffs and craft things or music CDs. I wish I could get over A) My over spending and
my over eating. Perhaps you could tell me what are the most usual reasons for overspending.
Many thanks.
Basil
Hi, I saw Spendaholics the other night on BBC3. I found it fascinating. The girl involved was buying clothes and had accumalated huge debts. It turned out that her over spending was linked to depression and guilt. She was spending to find the ultimate thing that would make her feel better. All this rang true for me too. I have had problems with depression and anxiety over the years. And although I have not got debts at the moment, I know I am out of order when it comes to spending and that it wont be long before we are running into problems. I find it quite scary really. I find that when I spend money, I try and justify it which is a silly thing to do. But I am aware that I am "looking for something that will change my life"!!!!! Or, make me feel better. So this includes anything from clothes to chocolate, food stuffs and craft things or music CDs. I wish I could get over A) My over spending and
my over eating. Perhaps you could tell me what are the most usual reasons for overspending. Many thanks.
Basil
#5
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 14 November 2005 - 03:26 PM
see if these ring any bells. http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/tv/spendahol...lics_tips.shtml
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#6 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 15 November 2005 - 07:03 PM
Tuesday 15th Nov 18.02pm
Hi Benjamin, Thanks for the web address. I will have a look and see what I think.
Best Wishes
Basil
Hi Benjamin, Thanks for the web address. I will have a look and see what I think.
Best Wishes
Basil
#7 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 15 November 2005 - 07:10 PM
Tuesday 15 Nov 19.06pm
Hi again Benjamin, A couple of the points listed ring definate bells. For starters, I have got lots of unresolved issues with my dad. And I have suffered blows to my emotional security. So I wonder if there is a link there. But why should blows to my emotional security mean that I may be unable to bear financial security? Please can you explain this one for me.
Many thanks.
basil
Hi again Benjamin, A couple of the points listed ring definate bells. For starters, I have got lots of unresolved issues with my dad. And I have suffered blows to my emotional security. So I wonder if there is a link there. But why should blows to my emotional security mean that I may be unable to bear financial security? Please can you explain this one for me.
Many thanks.
basil
#8
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 12 December 2005 - 02:55 PM
The safer you are on a practical level, the more you will feel your emotional insecurity on an inner level. If you are in a state of material disarray and panic, then thereís no room to feel the inner disarray and panic. Therefore, on an emotional level, you know it is easier to sabotage your financial security than to feel your emotional insecurity: so you do.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
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