Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone can help at all with this... I have been suffering from anxiety and depression, apparently linked to certain events in my childhood, and recently, over the past few weeks, I have developed a terrible fear of being on my own. This is new for me - I have always been fine on my own and when my wife has gone out for the evening I have looked forward to a night doing my own thing, just me and the cats!
But it is true to say that I have never lived on my own - always lived either with girlfriends or flatmates or family. I don't think I ever could live on my own, the thought of it is not a pleasant one. I guess we are always afraid of what we do not know.
I live with my wife, who recently told me the effect that my anxiety and depression have had on her, in that she feels scared for the future, and worried that I will not get better, and concerned about what sort of future that holds for us. I have found myself very disappointed and hurt by the things that she has said and the emotional distance she has now put between us, and have become obsessed that she is going to leave me, even though she says she is not going to.
It feels like our entire relationship has suddenly changed, and that I can no longer rely on her being around - its kind of like I am trying to prepare myself for the worst by telling myself that the relationship is already over, when in fact it is not. Half of me is furious with her for saying things that make my situation worse, and half of me understands what she says and is glad that she can still be honest with me. I actually feel very sorry for her - we were only married 4 months when I began to feel "ill" and this is not the start to her marriage that she wanted. She has had life pretty hard and feels sad that things could not be good for us - I had to go and have a breakdown. Everything looks pretty bleak from my side, so its hard to offer really convincing support to her.
This is clearly not helping the situation as these thoughts make me more depressed, and I therefore act more depressed around my wife, making me think she is more likely to leave me, and the circle goes round and round - all perpetuated entirely by me!
I think I am living with the sudden realisation that my marriage is not unconditional, and I am scaring myself constantly throughout the day with thoughts that my wife is going to leave me. All she has done is be honest and say that she is scared for the future, but I have taken it to its most horrible degree and am obsessing about it. All another symptom of the anxiety/depression, I'm sure.
So on nights like tonight, when my wife is away from the house, I fear leaving work and going home to be on my own. I don't fear what will happen, I guess I fear the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Its silly because I haven't been abandoned.
In therapy I have identified that I have a low sense of personal safety, i.e. I don't provide emotional support for myself because I don't know how to, and I have an underlying and deep sense of insecurity. My parents split when I was 13, my mother then went through breakdowns and depression, and tried to kill herself when I was 15. I found her and called the ambulance. My therapist thinks I am reliving the emotions that I didn't go through fully then - the sense of abandonment, the sense of being completely alone in the world, the fear of losing everything. It certainly makes sense, I DO feel like a frightened kid with no-one to turn to. Nothing gets through - adult logic is completely redundant. I know that I would cope should everything crumble, I mean - you have to don't you - but I FEEL terrified, pretty much constantly. No matter what positive things I say to myself, I don't seem able to comfort myself at all. Which is not good because it seems that the only person who can really comfort me, is me.
The question is, what to do about it. How do I get a sense of security from myself? How do I find within myself the strength to be my OWN support, to feel comfortable on my own? These are the things that I want more than anything else. Every other relationship in life is insecure, because you never know what the other person is thinking, but your own relationship with your SELF should not be insecure - if it is, what have you got???
Gareth
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Loss of sense of inner safety / security Fear of being alone
#2 Guest_Guest_terri_*
Posted 18 August 2005 - 08:19 PM
I think maybe if you know your wife is going to be out for an evening, instead of dreading it and worrying about it, maybe it would help if you made active plans for it, involving things you enjoy doing. If you make plans then you will be giving yourself the power of dictating how the evening will go and the direction it will take, instead of leaving it all down to the fate of your feelings.
If I was you, what I would do is make a mental list of all the little things you may fancy doing which you don't feel you can when your wife is around or which perhaps you might think would be unsociable. If you're a sports fan, for instance, you could line up an evenings sport viewing on the telly, few cans of beer, maybe invite some mates round. Or if you like computing, perhaps relax in front of the computer knowing you need not feel guilty for the time you are spending on there. Or is there a video or dvd you'd like to watch which you know your wife wouldn't be interested in? Or perhaps you'd like to read a good book, pursue some hobbies etc. The idea is that you fill the time with something pleasurable which will give you positive feelings and memories, and reassure you that being on your own can be ok and even enjoyable.
I live on my own, have always done so except when I lived with my parents, and it's fine. Yeah, of course it gets lonely at times, that's only natural. But there are good aspects to it too, and it's certainly nothing to fear. In fact I tend to find I don't often have time to be lonely as I am always busy doing something, - be it housework, computer work, watching tv, reading, listening to music, chatting on the phone, etc. Living on your own needn't be a negative experience. It's quite nice being your own boss and being able to do things just as you like and when you like
But you don't live on your own, so it's not even something you need to consider. Just try and take things a day at a time. If you know your wife is going to be out, try and fill the time with something pleasurable and enjoyable. That way your wife will come back to a happier Gareth which will be good for her, and good for you. It will give you the power of being in charge of making it a positive experience rather than a black abyss of time which is waiting to be filled. Once you are at ease with your own company and find that it needn't be as bad as you feared then hopefully the worries of being on your own on a permanant basis will ease off again and things will relax more.
Hope this helps a bit.
If I was you, what I would do is make a mental list of all the little things you may fancy doing which you don't feel you can when your wife is around or which perhaps you might think would be unsociable. If you're a sports fan, for instance, you could line up an evenings sport viewing on the telly, few cans of beer, maybe invite some mates round. Or if you like computing, perhaps relax in front of the computer knowing you need not feel guilty for the time you are spending on there. Or is there a video or dvd you'd like to watch which you know your wife wouldn't be interested in? Or perhaps you'd like to read a good book, pursue some hobbies etc. The idea is that you fill the time with something pleasurable which will give you positive feelings and memories, and reassure you that being on your own can be ok and even enjoyable.
I live on my own, have always done so except when I lived with my parents, and it's fine. Yeah, of course it gets lonely at times, that's only natural. But there are good aspects to it too, and it's certainly nothing to fear. In fact I tend to find I don't often have time to be lonely as I am always busy doing something, - be it housework, computer work, watching tv, reading, listening to music, chatting on the phone, etc. Living on your own needn't be a negative experience. It's quite nice being your own boss and being able to do things just as you like and when you like
But you don't live on your own, so it's not even something you need to consider. Just try and take things a day at a time. If you know your wife is going to be out, try and fill the time with something pleasurable and enjoyable. That way your wife will come back to a happier Gareth which will be good for her, and good for you. It will give you the power of being in charge of making it a positive experience rather than a black abyss of time which is waiting to be filled. Once you are at ease with your own company and find that it needn't be as bad as you feared then hopefully the worries of being on your own on a permanant basis will ease off again and things will relax more.
Hope this helps a bit.
#3
Sherri 
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Posted 18 August 2005 - 11:15 PM
You had almost been abandoned few times in the past, by your parents. As a child, you worried what would happen when they were gone. Now, as an adult, you can just sit and wait to find THAT out.
The only way out, is by going through it.
I would suggest you try to sit and wait to see what might happen. I am aware that this could be extremely difficult at the beginning. Try to do it ëone minute at a timeí. If you could, make notes of what come into your mind that remind you of your childhood fear. Understand of your fear. Understand that you don't need to fear. Prove to yourself that NOTHING will happen, you WILL be fine.
You have come a long way... you will do just fine.
The only way out, is by going through it.
I would suggest you try to sit and wait to see what might happen. I am aware that this could be extremely difficult at the beginning. Try to do it ëone minute at a timeí. If you could, make notes of what come into your mind that remind you of your childhood fear. Understand of your fear. Understand that you don't need to fear. Prove to yourself that NOTHING will happen, you WILL be fine.
You have come a long way... you will do just fine.
#4
Gareth
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Posted 22 August 2005 - 08:55 AM
Thanks both, that is helpful.
I agree that I just need to ride this out and time will convince me that I will be "OK". I certainly hope that time is in fact a great healer because nothing else seems to be working!
Its funny because its a turnaround of fortunes from where my wife and I were a few years ago, when she started going through therapy she couldn't stand to be on her own and I felt a lot of pressure to be at home all the time and give her a lot of support, which I did.
I think that perhaps part of my feelings now are about the fact that I don't really feel like I am getting the same level of support. But its hard for me to really say if that is true because my emotions are so all over the place at the moment.
I have always filled my time quite well and intend to rediscover some of the things I used to do - creative writing course, gardening etc. This is all part of fostering a good relationship with ME, which is an essential thing to have before you can really feel properly secure in any other relationships, I think.
all the best,
Gareth
I agree that I just need to ride this out and time will convince me that I will be "OK". I certainly hope that time is in fact a great healer because nothing else seems to be working!
Its funny because its a turnaround of fortunes from where my wife and I were a few years ago, when she started going through therapy she couldn't stand to be on her own and I felt a lot of pressure to be at home all the time and give her a lot of support, which I did.
I think that perhaps part of my feelings now are about the fact that I don't really feel like I am getting the same level of support. But its hard for me to really say if that is true because my emotions are so all over the place at the moment.
I have always filled my time quite well and intend to rediscover some of the things I used to do - creative writing course, gardening etc. This is all part of fostering a good relationship with ME, which is an essential thing to have before you can really feel properly secure in any other relationships, I think.
all the best,
Gareth
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