Hi, i bought the book online yesterday and have nearly finished it and can follow the logic quite easily, yet can't see where i have fallen into my particular pattern of projection so wondered if you might be able to point me in the right direction.
Basically when it comes to relationships I choose men who lie to me, cheat on me and generally treat me pretty badly, then turn round and want me to heal them. I can see the pattern both in who I pick (though only after the fact) and how I behave with them but can't find what trauma or experience in my past it relates to. I am pretty laid back and happy with myself on the whole, had a bad time starting with such a relationship a few years back and ended up suffering depression which came as a huge shock to me but I got through it and can see the positives of having been through what I have.
It was however two years before I would date anyone else but surprised my self a few months back by starting to date someone. To be honest they were a bit of a rollercoaster and I came to the conclusion they weren't really interested and despite giving it a go I thought it was best to end it but didn't until I found he had been cheating on me, and lying to me pretty much throughout. As with all my relationships he could find no fault with me and it was clear he had issues. Since then he has now turned to me to help him unsuppress his emotions relating to issues in his past that are stopping him from having relationships etc, most of these issues are things that he has not discussed with anyone else. Despite the hurt I felt I have fallen into this supportive role as usual but suspect this is more projecting.
So background...my friends say I am to willing to see the good in people, too giving, too generous and too any other good qualities as well as very easy going though scarey when stroppy. At work I am seen as very (if not 'too') quick, I get the nick name the rotweiller (in a friendly way) and no one can understand why I appear so intelligent but make such bad choices in my personal life.
I don't have close relationships with my parents who split when I was a kid, they argued a lot and both favoured my brother. My mother now favours me but has no relationship with my brother, I can't stand her touching me and avoid contact as she has been quite inconsistent and has a habit of presenting me as something I'm not i.e. she would tell family members of boyfriends I had from the age of about 13, although I didn't date anyone til I was 17. I would also be described as cold and unfeeling - i don't think anyone else that knows me would ever say this of me and so it goes on.
I had quite a poor self image as a kid and ended up with bulimia and insomnia the insominia recurred when I suffered depression. When recovering from depression I practiced meditation and i have always been in the habit of trying to look at getting the best out of me so I am fairly self aware though obviously still manage to come up with new revelations.
I now do not have a low self image and I am positive about my life and me, and I think the fact that I have repeated this pattern of behaviour has surprised me and I want to work out why it still happens.
I realise this is a long message but i'm just not sure what would be relevant and would love to know how i can deal with this last stumbling block.
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What am I missing? Projecting
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 16 August 2005 - 10:48 AM
Have you done the exercises in the book? That would be a good start.
You will be aware from the book that the patterns in your life today are being used by you (unconsciously) to stimulate emotions that need to be released. Therefore you need to identify as accurately as possible what emotions these incidents bring up for you. If you would like to write about them here then please do.
Once you have identified these emotions then you can use them to think about what was the earliest memory you have of that feeling. This can be a guide to set you on the right track.
Sometimes it is really hard to identify emotions clearly. It is always hard to pin point their origin.
Depression is often a sign of repressing unconscious anger. It is likely that your first relationship actually triggered a lot of the anger that you have repressed from your childhood and that this anger was then repressed again in the present, leading to depression.
It seems possible that the cycle of "lie to me, cheat on me and treat me badly" might be playing out the drama that you witnessed with your parents. In a sense, they cheated on you by preferring your brother and it certainly seems that they would have treated you badly. As a child it is almost impossible to externalise the anger this creates since it is often does not seem safe to be angry with people bigger than us, particularly if they appear to be angry, unstable or violent themselves.
Your desire to look on the bright side is admirable. However it can also be a defence against acknowledging what is painful and difficult. Such avoidance leads to the same feelings being triggered in round about ways, such as by your relationships. If you can bear to face your darkest feelings head on, then you will be able to make more progress with external relationships.
If you want to do the exercises, think about them and then ask me more questions here based on what comes up, please do.
You will be aware from the book that the patterns in your life today are being used by you (unconsciously) to stimulate emotions that need to be released. Therefore you need to identify as accurately as possible what emotions these incidents bring up for you. If you would like to write about them here then please do.
Once you have identified these emotions then you can use them to think about what was the earliest memory you have of that feeling. This can be a guide to set you on the right track.
Sometimes it is really hard to identify emotions clearly. It is always hard to pin point their origin.
Depression is often a sign of repressing unconscious anger. It is likely that your first relationship actually triggered a lot of the anger that you have repressed from your childhood and that this anger was then repressed again in the present, leading to depression.
It seems possible that the cycle of "lie to me, cheat on me and treat me badly" might be playing out the drama that you witnessed with your parents. In a sense, they cheated on you by preferring your brother and it certainly seems that they would have treated you badly. As a child it is almost impossible to externalise the anger this creates since it is often does not seem safe to be angry with people bigger than us, particularly if they appear to be angry, unstable or violent themselves.
Your desire to look on the bright side is admirable. However it can also be a defence against acknowledging what is painful and difficult. Such avoidance leads to the same feelings being triggered in round about ways, such as by your relationships. If you can bear to face your darkest feelings head on, then you will be able to make more progress with external relationships.
If you want to do the exercises, think about them and then ask me more questions here based on what comes up, please do.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#3
Jay
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Posted 17 August 2005 - 11:50 AM
Hi
thanks for replying. I had never thought about my parents in terms of them 'cheating' on me and having thought about it I can see how that fits especially in the mind of a child. I felt bad about portraying my parent in a negative light as I know there was no malice and they just did their best but I'm aware that's quite usual to feel.
I had done most of the exercises but didn't think I had put enough thought into it (especially the first few) so i did them again...and then again. The last time i saw something, not sure it was how its intended but I found it useful. The patterns I have fallen into emotionally is that when my feelings get hurt I pretend I'm not (at least until it all gets too much), which has led to some funny outcomes. I once found out I had not been invited to my best friends party when everyone else had been (I was about 9), so I instinctively said to the enquirer I didn't like parties which is why I wasn't going - since then I have not liked parties and feel painfully unconfortable if I have to attend one. I was teased by family when I wore a dress (I was very much a tomboy) and so have only worn address about 5 times since I was a child and never in front of my parents. I have however bought 3 dresses this year though still haven't worn them. The not so funny was times when my parents said or did things to hurt my feelings and even when my grandmother died and I avoided talking about it to others as i couldn't even think about it without crying and didn't want to be in a situation when I wouldn't be comforted or I'd be rejected. But mainly I noted that in craving my parents attention and wanting to belong and have the closeness they had with my brother etc I used to try and do good things i.e. try hard at school, be creative, be generous and do things for people which never really made any difference. I really related to your experience of your mothers spirit hugging you, I've not had that but have craved that and the sense of safety it would bring and it is this I think I am looking to get in relationships, and it is the lack of this from my mother which makes me feel uncomfortable when she touchs me. Looking at my relationships I end up with needy people (which equals my mother) who can be quite callous at times (like my father) and who will not give me that sense of safety.
The odd thing is I have known most of this as seperate facts for some time but never related one thing to another until you said that my parents had in a sense cheated on me.
Now I may have over simplified here, and I still have a feeling I am missing one small yet vital detail...I am also unsure as to what my next step is though that doesn't greatly concern me just yet...though curious if you have an answer.
I was smiling when I wrote this as I see the simplicity in how I have let myself suffer needlessly just by avoiding 'feeling'.
thanks for replying. I had never thought about my parents in terms of them 'cheating' on me and having thought about it I can see how that fits especially in the mind of a child. I felt bad about portraying my parent in a negative light as I know there was no malice and they just did their best but I'm aware that's quite usual to feel.
I had done most of the exercises but didn't think I had put enough thought into it (especially the first few) so i did them again...and then again. The last time i saw something, not sure it was how its intended but I found it useful. The patterns I have fallen into emotionally is that when my feelings get hurt I pretend I'm not (at least until it all gets too much), which has led to some funny outcomes. I once found out I had not been invited to my best friends party when everyone else had been (I was about 9), so I instinctively said to the enquirer I didn't like parties which is why I wasn't going - since then I have not liked parties and feel painfully unconfortable if I have to attend one. I was teased by family when I wore a dress (I was very much a tomboy) and so have only worn address about 5 times since I was a child and never in front of my parents. I have however bought 3 dresses this year though still haven't worn them. The not so funny was times when my parents said or did things to hurt my feelings and even when my grandmother died and I avoided talking about it to others as i couldn't even think about it without crying and didn't want to be in a situation when I wouldn't be comforted or I'd be rejected. But mainly I noted that in craving my parents attention and wanting to belong and have the closeness they had with my brother etc I used to try and do good things i.e. try hard at school, be creative, be generous and do things for people which never really made any difference. I really related to your experience of your mothers spirit hugging you, I've not had that but have craved that and the sense of safety it would bring and it is this I think I am looking to get in relationships, and it is the lack of this from my mother which makes me feel uncomfortable when she touchs me. Looking at my relationships I end up with needy people (which equals my mother) who can be quite callous at times (like my father) and who will not give me that sense of safety.
The odd thing is I have known most of this as seperate facts for some time but never related one thing to another until you said that my parents had in a sense cheated on me.
Now I may have over simplified here, and I still have a feeling I am missing one small yet vital detail...I am also unsure as to what my next step is though that doesn't greatly concern me just yet...though curious if you have an answer.
I was smiling when I wrote this as I see the simplicity in how I have let myself suffer needlessly just by avoiding 'feeling'.
#4
Jay
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Posted 22 August 2005 - 10:38 AM
hi again
having had some time to reflect I am not sure I am missing anything but I am noticing other patterns of behaviour/reaction that I have developed. Some of which I can trace back some that I haven't quite figured out yet.
Over the weekend I started to really want to know how to move on now I am aware (or think I am aware) of why I keep repeating a negative pattern of behaviour, and I realised part of me wanted to cling on to well basically clinging on. I have obviously looked to relationships seeking someone who will make me feel safe, and wanted and important to them etc and when it came to thinking that I had to stop doing that my reaction was 'but that's what I want!'. I've actually ended up ...and now I don't know what the emotion is....but basically not sitting comfortably with myself, a bit anxious/stressed and really wanting to do something about it.
so basically what I am asking is what do I do now - or am I still missing the point?
having had some time to reflect I am not sure I am missing anything but I am noticing other patterns of behaviour/reaction that I have developed. Some of which I can trace back some that I haven't quite figured out yet.
Over the weekend I started to really want to know how to move on now I am aware (or think I am aware) of why I keep repeating a negative pattern of behaviour, and I realised part of me wanted to cling on to well basically clinging on. I have obviously looked to relationships seeking someone who will make me feel safe, and wanted and important to them etc and when it came to thinking that I had to stop doing that my reaction was 'but that's what I want!'. I've actually ended up ...and now I don't know what the emotion is....but basically not sitting comfortably with myself, a bit anxious/stressed and really wanting to do something about it.
so basically what I am asking is what do I do now - or am I still missing the point?
#5
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 23 August 2005 - 10:36 PM
I get the impression that the way that you deal with pain and particularly the disappointment of being let down by someone you trust to look after you (a parent, or perhpas a lover) is to cauterize the pain by pretending that you didnít need that certain something in the first place. This could indeed be why you canít bear your mother to touch you: it brings into sharp focus all the love and intimacy that you are burying your fury about missing.
It ties in with your general personality statements about making the best of things and seeing your life as all sorted except for this one small issue with relationships. Actually relationships are a fault line that reveal deeper problems. So unfortunately your life may not be as ship shape as you are hoping. But donít despair. You are taking all the right steps to get to where you want to go. You may though have to accept that a little of what you thought was sorted needs to be undone and reassembled. You are like a rubiks cube with one errant corner: in order to be fixed you will need to mess yourself up again a little.
Your fundamental task is to learn to be comfortable feeling again. This reflex that you have developed to pull away from negative emotions needs to be lessened. This can only be done by practising feeling negative emotions and surviving. If you do this often enough then you will unlearn your conviction that these feelings are too dangerous to engage with.
A counsellor or therapist could help you to get this practice. Really it involves talking about stuff and finding out that you do have feelings about it and that these feelings are accepted by at least one other human being as ok. You could also write about your past and feelings, but again you may get to the point where it would be good to talk. Would you be able to find someone to help you in this way? It sounds like you have got to the point where you would like to talk, and sitting with these feelings all bottled up is uncomfortable.
It ties in with your general personality statements about making the best of things and seeing your life as all sorted except for this one small issue with relationships. Actually relationships are a fault line that reveal deeper problems. So unfortunately your life may not be as ship shape as you are hoping. But donít despair. You are taking all the right steps to get to where you want to go. You may though have to accept that a little of what you thought was sorted needs to be undone and reassembled. You are like a rubiks cube with one errant corner: in order to be fixed you will need to mess yourself up again a little.
Your fundamental task is to learn to be comfortable feeling again. This reflex that you have developed to pull away from negative emotions needs to be lessened. This can only be done by practising feeling negative emotions and surviving. If you do this often enough then you will unlearn your conviction that these feelings are too dangerous to engage with.
A counsellor or therapist could help you to get this practice. Really it involves talking about stuff and finding out that you do have feelings about it and that these feelings are accepted by at least one other human being as ok. You could also write about your past and feelings, but again you may get to the point where it would be good to talk. Would you be able to find someone to help you in this way? It sounds like you have got to the point where you would like to talk, and sitting with these feelings all bottled up is uncomfortable.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#6
Jay
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Posted 24 August 2005 - 12:47 PM
hi
can't I just peel the stickers off and but them in the right place on the cube?!?
seriously thanks for your reply, I had a sneeking feeling I wasn't as close to being sorted as I had hoped but I'm sure I can cope with messing things up a bit to get where I want to be.
I had a think about consellor/therapist but in all honesty I don't think I would have trust enough in them to get what I need out of it. I will however start by writing it down, though I'm not yet sure what 'it' is, and then see if I can find somone to talk to about it.
It is also true what you say about negative feelings and I have been trying a meditation I learnt when recovering from depression that aims to do just as you suggest, but to be honest I have been a bit half hearted about it so I will put a bit more heart into it.
Again thanks for your time and for writing your book..quite buddhist in many ways...which seems to have finally got me looking in the right direction.
Jay
can't I just peel the stickers off and but them in the right place on the cube?!?
seriously thanks for your reply, I had a sneeking feeling I wasn't as close to being sorted as I had hoped but I'm sure I can cope with messing things up a bit to get where I want to be.
I had a think about consellor/therapist but in all honesty I don't think I would have trust enough in them to get what I need out of it. I will however start by writing it down, though I'm not yet sure what 'it' is, and then see if I can find somone to talk to about it.
It is also true what you say about negative feelings and I have been trying a meditation I learnt when recovering from depression that aims to do just as you suggest, but to be honest I have been a bit half hearted about it so I will put a bit more heart into it.
Again thanks for your time and for writing your book..quite buddhist in many ways...which seems to have finally got me looking in the right direction.
Jay
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