Hi...I have gone from discussing finacial issues with hubby to looking at remortgaging to thinking about that beeb prgramme spendaholics, and realising that as much as I have reeled at their terrible situations - I am no different. I find myself here and reading apost that I couldve penned, and the repy directing the issue at father problems.
My father - is in and out of my life, absent mostly physically but completely absent emotionally and has resigned his responsibility as father since he left 27yrs ago I am 35 now. he has repeatedly dished out one disappointment or false promise after another..and at xmas presented me with a cheque for my son for £250 and to help us out. It bounced (not the first time) and has only apologized once. He sent a text for his grandsons birthday - and since the cheque i have gradually withdrawn contact as I have shutdown those emotions as I am at a complete loss as to what to do anymore. He is childlike in his actions and is impossible to deal with in an adult fashion, so any attempts I have made conversationally to resolve our issues are futile. Needless to say he is useless with money - and as much as I have feared it, I have inherited his money issues, and have denied it until now. I never imgained my relationship with my father could be directly linked to overspending.
I feel ashamed - I cant hide out anymore as I am in an honest, loving equal relationship. He learned of my debts once before, and i remortgaged before to the tune of - dont repaet the same mistake. of course I have, and I dont know how I overpsend so much.
Now I am at the gates of relinquishing autonomous control and assigning hubby the financial control - I know that will drive me mad... what else can I do???
responses all welcome and thankyou x
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coming out admitting the real issue
#2
Deb 
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Posted 29 July 2005 - 12:42 AM
Hi,
A couple of themes I have noticed on Spendaholics, now I have seen a few episodes, is that the emphasis seems not to be on stopping spending on the items where overspending has occurred, but rather finding alternative ways of giving oneself the same experience but cheaper. So for drinking out, for instance, they suggest BYO restaurants instead. Instead of taxis, use the night bus, etc. Probably there are all sorts of parallels. My own vices were CDs, DVDs and books. Discovering the library and jumble sales have saved me masses of money.
The second thing I have noticed is that, regardless of what is going on, and has happened in the past, in people's lives, they are actually 100% in control of their spending. This becomes apparent when they go on the cold turkey week and usually manage to find a way to survive within it.
I know overspending has to start somewhere, and may well reflect ongoing issues with one or both parents, but those people may no longer be there for you, even physically (as in for example, inviting you to a meal or taking your children off your hands for a day or two), let alone emotionally. One thing I have noticed with my own parents is that as time has gone on they have expected me to be more there for them as opposed to being there for me. Your father may well be in that space now. Also, much as we might have issues from the past we want to resolve with our parents, that isn't so simple to do if they are in denial, not even acknowledging there was a problem, or realise there was but aren't prepared to dig up the past.
Rather than giving up financial control to someone else, how about putting some thought into alternative, cheaper ways to give yourself the buzz you get from spending without the expense? This is better to me than giving up spending on non essential items altogether. If you keep remortgaging your house sooner or later you'll probably end up wanting to sell it, just because the ever growing mortgage is going to be eating into such a chunk of your income, you'll feel like you are working for £100 a week. But right now, if that is the cheapest way to get your debts down to the lowest interest, then that is a semsible option. After all you have the debts, whether they are secured against your house or not.
From then on the only weapon you have got you can rely on for overspending is your willpower. I know emphasis is placed so much on resolving your past as a way to go forward, but if this involves cooperation from your father and it isn't forthcoming, then that part might not happen. At the end of the day there is only you to deal with your own life.
A couple of themes I have noticed on Spendaholics, now I have seen a few episodes, is that the emphasis seems not to be on stopping spending on the items where overspending has occurred, but rather finding alternative ways of giving oneself the same experience but cheaper. So for drinking out, for instance, they suggest BYO restaurants instead. Instead of taxis, use the night bus, etc. Probably there are all sorts of parallels. My own vices were CDs, DVDs and books. Discovering the library and jumble sales have saved me masses of money.
The second thing I have noticed is that, regardless of what is going on, and has happened in the past, in people's lives, they are actually 100% in control of their spending. This becomes apparent when they go on the cold turkey week and usually manage to find a way to survive within it.
I know overspending has to start somewhere, and may well reflect ongoing issues with one or both parents, but those people may no longer be there for you, even physically (as in for example, inviting you to a meal or taking your children off your hands for a day or two), let alone emotionally. One thing I have noticed with my own parents is that as time has gone on they have expected me to be more there for them as opposed to being there for me. Your father may well be in that space now. Also, much as we might have issues from the past we want to resolve with our parents, that isn't so simple to do if they are in denial, not even acknowledging there was a problem, or realise there was but aren't prepared to dig up the past.
Rather than giving up financial control to someone else, how about putting some thought into alternative, cheaper ways to give yourself the buzz you get from spending without the expense? This is better to me than giving up spending on non essential items altogether. If you keep remortgaging your house sooner or later you'll probably end up wanting to sell it, just because the ever growing mortgage is going to be eating into such a chunk of your income, you'll feel like you are working for £100 a week. But right now, if that is the cheapest way to get your debts down to the lowest interest, then that is a semsible option. After all you have the debts, whether they are secured against your house or not.
From then on the only weapon you have got you can rely on for overspending is your willpower. I know emphasis is placed so much on resolving your past as a way to go forward, but if this involves cooperation from your father and it isn't forthcoming, then that part might not happen. At the end of the day there is only you to deal with your own life.
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