I have totalled up my debt which comes to a round figure of £23,000!! This is on loans and credit cards. I have nothing to show for it really and have decided to face the fact i am a spendaholic and need help. I have been in debt ever since i got my first credit card at 18. I am 31 now and 2 years ago my husband found out that i was in debt and cleared my cards (about £10,000) I swore i would never get into that state again and he said if i ever did he would think about leaving. Well i've done it again but much worse this time. I want to tell him but can't get the words out. I hate keeping this a secret from him but don't want him to leave. I would like to find out where i can get help and find the root cause (if there is one).
I have young children and don't want them to be without their dad because of my spending. I would never be able to forgive myself. I have been sitting here and thinking about getting a big consolidation loan, but then i know i will clear my loans and cards and start spending on them again. Help!!!!
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Recognising i have a problem Where can i get help?
#2
aspirant 
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Posted 01 June 2005 - 10:13 PM
Carrie,
I think by visiting this site and posting a message you've already shown your intention to sort your problem out, so well done for that.
I'm a poor substitute for Benjamin Fry, but I'm sure he'd point out that given your long history of debt, it is highly likely that there's a psychological impulse behind your spending. If you can get BBC3 it looks like Spendaholics is being repeated on Sunday evenings at 9pm and some of the discussions on there may strike a chord.
If I can be cheeky enough to share something I've found, I'd like to say something about honesty. I was reading a booking called 'The Laws of Money' in which the first law is 'Truth creates money, lies destroy it'.
I was sceptical at first, but the more I thought about it, I realised that my debt involved me hiding details from my family, skirting the issue with friends, and telling lies to my creditors. All the pretence was making me incredibly lonely and the closer you are emotionally to the people who don't know about your debt, the lonelier you feel.
I don't know your partner of course, but is there a possibility that your fear of his reaction is much worse than his reaction would actually be in real life? I don't suggest just dropping the topic into the conversation casually, but he may be more supportive than you think if you tell him you realise you have a problem, and are determined to sort it out. It will certainly be better than him finding out for himself, and that is likely to happen sooner or later.
As for your debt, a lot of people advise against consolidation loans for the reason you say - you need to tackle the overspending if you're going to avoid getting into more debt on top of the loan.
My advice would be to call the Consumer Credit Counselling Service as they give wonderful advice that is completely free. Whatever you do, don't pay any company money to sort out your debt.
The CCCS have seen it all before and they're wonderfully non-judgemental. They may be able to draw on their experience and advise you on what to say (and when) to your partner.
Well, that's enough of me prattling. Good luck!
Andy
I think by visiting this site and posting a message you've already shown your intention to sort your problem out, so well done for that.
I'm a poor substitute for Benjamin Fry, but I'm sure he'd point out that given your long history of debt, it is highly likely that there's a psychological impulse behind your spending. If you can get BBC3 it looks like Spendaholics is being repeated on Sunday evenings at 9pm and some of the discussions on there may strike a chord.
If I can be cheeky enough to share something I've found, I'd like to say something about honesty. I was reading a booking called 'The Laws of Money' in which the first law is 'Truth creates money, lies destroy it'.
I was sceptical at first, but the more I thought about it, I realised that my debt involved me hiding details from my family, skirting the issue with friends, and telling lies to my creditors. All the pretence was making me incredibly lonely and the closer you are emotionally to the people who don't know about your debt, the lonelier you feel.
I don't know your partner of course, but is there a possibility that your fear of his reaction is much worse than his reaction would actually be in real life? I don't suggest just dropping the topic into the conversation casually, but he may be more supportive than you think if you tell him you realise you have a problem, and are determined to sort it out. It will certainly be better than him finding out for himself, and that is likely to happen sooner or later.
As for your debt, a lot of people advise against consolidation loans for the reason you say - you need to tackle the overspending if you're going to avoid getting into more debt on top of the loan.
My advice would be to call the Consumer Credit Counselling Service as they give wonderful advice that is completely free. Whatever you do, don't pay any company money to sort out your debt.
The CCCS have seen it all before and they're wonderfully non-judgemental. They may be able to draw on their experience and advise you on what to say (and when) to your partner.
Well, that's enough of me prattling. Good luck!
Andy
#3
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 03 June 2005 - 03:06 PM
They are just starting to make the next series of Spendaholics. If you were interested in being one of the subjects you could call Betty TV in London and see if it was for you.
It is highly likely that there are psychological reasons for your debt. From expereince I'd ask you to think first about your relationship with your father. If you want to say more about it here please do.
It is highly likely that there are psychological reasons for your debt. From expereince I'd ask you to think first about your relationship with your father. If you want to say more about it here please do.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#4 Guest_carrie_*
Posted 05 June 2005 - 09:57 PM
Thanks for taking the time to reply Benjamin. I would never feel able to appear on the programme. I am already feeling so much shame and NOBODY knows this secret that i'm keeping. I don't feel able to discuss it with anybody.
You ask about my relationship with my dad. We have never been particularly close. We get on, and can have a polite conversation but that is about as far as it goes. We never talk in depth about anything and don't really have anything in common. I am extremely close to my mother and sister (no brothers) but still do not feel able to confide in them. My dad is not a violent man and has never hit me. He was always in and out of work, and from an early age i always remember mum worrying about money- never dad. He gave mum his wages every week and let her deal with the finances. My mum worked for a few hours each evening to bring in a pittance and dad would have to look after us. I remember feeling that he resented looking after us and always felt a bother to him. Like i was in the way. He would lose his temper at the slightest thing and pack us off to bed early, but we would never tell mum this because we knew she wouldn't be happy and didn't want to start an argument between them (They had enough of those about money) .
He has a set amount of money each week which he takes from his wages and spends it on drink and gambling. Mum never gets any for herself which i have always felt angry about. Seeing mum worry so much and dad not really appearing to have a care in the world upset me. It has always been this way, even when he was out of work he would still take his "pocket money" and leave mum to worry about how to make ends meet.
He has never been one to show his emotions.We never received many cuddles or compliments and he has never said "I love you".
I would apreciate your thoughts on this little bit of information. Thanks.
You ask about my relationship with my dad. We have never been particularly close. We get on, and can have a polite conversation but that is about as far as it goes. We never talk in depth about anything and don't really have anything in common. I am extremely close to my mother and sister (no brothers) but still do not feel able to confide in them. My dad is not a violent man and has never hit me. He was always in and out of work, and from an early age i always remember mum worrying about money- never dad. He gave mum his wages every week and let her deal with the finances. My mum worked for a few hours each evening to bring in a pittance and dad would have to look after us. I remember feeling that he resented looking after us and always felt a bother to him. Like i was in the way. He would lose his temper at the slightest thing and pack us off to bed early, but we would never tell mum this because we knew she wouldn't be happy and didn't want to start an argument between them (They had enough of those about money) .
He has a set amount of money each week which he takes from his wages and spends it on drink and gambling. Mum never gets any for herself which i have always felt angry about. Seeing mum worry so much and dad not really appearing to have a care in the world upset me. It has always been this way, even when he was out of work he would still take his "pocket money" and leave mum to worry about how to make ends meet.
He has never been one to show his emotions.We never received many cuddles or compliments and he has never said "I love you".
I would apreciate your thoughts on this little bit of information. Thanks.
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