[teacherbird]

Hi i am 31, have a good job, own my own house, have a wonderful partner and a beautiful 1 year old son. My trouble is i can stop thinking about death. On my irrational days I am convinced something is wrong with me and go through all the situations of having to tell people and how my family would cope if I die. This then leads to panic attacks and I end up very upset. My partner knows nothing of this as he would just laugh and I can't blame him!! The doctor suggested i go on some anti depressant mood lifters for a while but i really would like to get over this without the use of drugs. Any ideas??

[Benjamin Fry]

I think you are very brave to attempt to try to deal this issue without the medical intervention of your doctor. You must always listen to medical advice but the advice that comes from within the wise heart and soul is just as valuable; as any mother will know.

Your experience mirrors my own in many ways. My life has been haunted by death since losing my mother just before my first birthday. Before the birth of my first child I was absolutely convinced that my wife and child would die in childbirth. I experienced a great deal of anxiety and panic during this period. The truth however it is that the death that I was so afraid of had already happened. Had I been fully reconciled to this at the time I suspect that I would not have experienced this new life with such a great deal of dread.

I'm not sure what part death has to play in your life up till now, but I suspect that it has some significance. You have just brought into this world a new life and projected onto this new life from somewhere deep in your unconscious mind is the residual emotional detritus from a previous trauma associated with death.

The death seems to you to be entirely real and present. This is why you need to plan for it so carefully and why it is so frightening. However what you must try to begin to understand is that what is entirely real and present is your attempt to let out your frozen feelings (e-motions) from your past which will most likely be related in some way to an experience of or association with death.

If you can find a way to make this connection then hopefully you will begin to find your present experiences less silly. It would be great if you could talk to your partner about this and having an understanding of what is really going on may make it easier for you to do so.

You may need some help to explore where these feelings come from your past. A good psychotherapist should be able to guide you and I always advise people to augment such mental treatment with a good routine of physical exercise or practice such as the widely available yoga classes and their equivalents.

I wish you the best of luck.