[crazydoc]

Hi Benjamin,

First i would like to thank you for all your support and free online help for all those who want to find out whats wrong with them and right themselves.i hope u have got time go through my problem and offer me solutions.

before i tell you whats wrong with me, let me introduce myself to you. i am a 27 yr old male indian doctor doing post graduation in medicine in Brighton.

to begin with, i can say that mine is a complex problem which involves so many aspects of a person's personality.let me go one by one.

1.LOW SELF ESTEEM
2.LACK OF CONFIDENCE
3.FEAR
4.CONSTANT WORRYING
5.CONFUSION
6.NEGATIVE SELF IMAGE

1.LOW SELF ESTEEM:until i got admitted into medical school. i never worried about my self worth or self esteem. i just used to do what i liked and was happy.since my admission into medical school, my personality has changed a lot.since then i have been constantly comparing myself with others in each and every aspect of life and worry a lot. i am 5 feet 6 inches tall and i feel that my height is a great disadvantage which has been preventing me from doing things others of norrmal height are doing and enjoying things which others are enjoying. when somebody asks me whats my goal in life is, i always say something lower because i am afraid to say what my actual goal because the other person might mock me for setting a higher goal.this has become a habit in every aspect of life and its preventing me from trying new things or better things.

2.LACK OF CONFIDENCE:i lack confidence in myself and i doubt myself all the time. whatever i do, i dont trust myself until somebody tells me that it was right.i consider myself to be an inferior person and i am afraid to be a normal person with aims and goals in life. i feel that others dont want me to be successful and they will become offended if i become successful.

3.FEAR: i am constantly fearing that something may go wrong. i am afraid of talking to people because they dont want to talk to me as i am not an attractive and likeable person.

4.WORRY:I keep on worrying about trivial things. if i dont worry, i feel that i am not being normal and think of others, what they would do in this situation.

5.CONFUSION:confusion has become part of my life with all the above problems.
sometimes i dont know what i am doing and my mind becomes stick without any clarity of thought. my mentation has also become very slow.

6.NEGATIVE SELF IMAGE:i dont see myself as a normal, worthful person who deserves to be happy and enjoy life to its fullest.

Benjamin, i know that some of my beliefs are irrational but i am not sure about others. if you that my beliefs are all irrational, then let me know the truth about my beliefs.

what i want to know is,
1.rationality of my beliefs
2.what i can do overcome these beliefs
3.ways to modify my behaviour and
4.a good way of behaving so that i will feel safe without being offended by others.

Thank you very much for your time and support Mr Benjamin. I really appreciate your help.

[Benjamin Fry]

You would appear to have a very clear, analytical and organised mind. This will be a great asset to in your medical career and should be of great benefit to your patients. However as you have noticed it can become a bit overwhelming when applied to oneself.

I'm struck by two interesting things that you say. Firstly that your problems began when entering medical college and secondly that you feel that others may become offended if you are successful. I suspect that you may be responding to subtle and unconscious pressures from your family of origin. I could be wrong but it would appear that you have both a desire and a pressure to succeed at medical college and also a fear (and possibly an imagined pressure) to not succeed at medical college. If this is in fact the case hopefully you can see how much of a conflict and an internal pressure this would create within you.

It would seem that you are a very sensitive person and you may be very sensitive to other people's reactions to your success. The fact that you didn't counter these problems before entering medical college would indicate that the issue really is about levels of achievement. I think it may be helpful for you to investigate your own family and to think carefully about the levels of achievement within it; think about your parents, their parents, any siblings you might have, and any extended family around that. Sometimes disappointed parents can place all their hopes in life on the achievements of their children, but simultaneously find it hard to fight a real resentment that comes up should their children actually achieve these objectives for themselves. This may or may not be relevant to you but I think it's an idea worth considering.

To answer your questions specifically:

1) I think that you need to accept your beliefs as an important part of your own integral self. The conscious mind is the seat of reason but it is also very weak. It is likely to find reason wherever it needs an argument to support a conclusion which is emotionally necessary. Therefore what is rational is often reduced to what can be coped with. You are better off looking into your emotional reality rather than your rational cohesion.

2) You need to discover the emotional source of your own self doubt. It may be that you are carrying the burden of another member of your family, which you have internalised due to your sensitive nature. Or it may be that you are repeating lessons learned as a child when others made you feel less than adequate either for failing or for over-achieving. To do this you will need to couch your issues in more primary emotional language. You need to discover whether you are feeling shame or fear or anger or whatever, when you are feeling 'less than'. Then you will need to attach this emotional experience to some people, places or experiences in your past. This will give you a clue as to the source of your present difficulties and also a route to tackle them head-on, rather than through the tangential mechanism of success or failure.

3) I would not encourage you to modify your behaviour. I'd encourage you to observe, record and to learn from the way that you feel about your behaviour. And then I'd encourage you to work to dissipate these emotions. This should lead to natural modification of your behaviour since it will help to return you to free and happy state of mind.

4) In the meantime, perhaps it will help you to understand that all these feelings that you have today in relation to other people are actually feelings emerging in your mind-body system from your past and from people in your past. If you can remind yourself of this constantly, then you will be more able to relate to people in the present without foisting upon them responsibility of these emotions that you are feeling. It is quite possible to feel inadequate in relation to another person and yet to maintain a positive and friendly disposition to that person because you remind yourself that these feelings of inadequacy are relics from your past, and not actually present in your current interaction. It is a hard mind-skill to master, but you seem to have the intelligence and mental agility to be able to practise it.

Best of luck.