[Gareth]

Hello Benjamin,

I have just stumbled across your website and download for your book and took great interest in reading it. You have an engaging and comforting style and I would like to think that buying the book and going through it will help. I was just wondering if you could offer some advice on whether you think it will, as you seem a fairly honest sort of a chap who isn't do all this for financial gain.

To give you some history - I woke up four weeks ago, one random Thursday morning, with extreme anxiety, manifesting itself in strong physical and mental symptoms. I have had a few panic attacks, but mostly it is in the incessant anxiety that never lets up that has been the problem. Since that morning the anxiety has
never left me, not for a moment, and it increases and decreases in intensity. I'm not anxious ABOUT anything - its just there, like a cloud over everything. It doesn't really stop me doing anything (apart from drinking alcohol, which I used to do and enjoy very much - as it makes me worse the next day). But it has taken the enjoyment and joy and peace of mind out of my life.
Coupled with that I have now developed depression. At the moment I seem to have a day of anxiety, followed by a day of depression. The depression seems to be getting worse and replacing some of the anxiety.

I am completely confused about what therapies/self help/medications etc to go for in my situation. There is so much out there.
I think I've been trying to "intellectualise" all this. I get comfort from endlessly trawling the internet, and reading and reading and reading, all about the causes and reasons for anxiety and depression, and about people's own experiences. I have bought some herbal remedies, such as Amoryn, which contains St John's Wort, and hope that these will help. I realise that there are no magic bullets however, and that a healthy lifestyle is important. I also plan to take exercise 3 times a week.

I am terrified of anti-depressants - I want my life back, not a pale version of it. Therefore, the title of your book really appeals to me, the way I am coping with this is always trying to find out - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I don't want to be sedated and just "cope" with life, I want my old self back. I feel like if I don't understand what is wrong with me, then any treatment is pointless. I could be doing the equivalent of treating blindness with antibiotics.

So, about me - I am a 30-year old male, in work, with an OK financial situation. I married a wonderful woman in November of last year who is my constant companion and best friend. I have a set of good friends and diverse interests in the more cultured side of life; reading, art, music etc. My wife has been through therapy for "anger issues" that she experienced as a result of her tumultuous childhood. Five years in and she has experienced great results. Therefore I am aware of some of the terms used and have a layman's understanding of the processes and of how childhood experience is supposed to affect us in adulthood.

Very different to my wife's experience though, I woke up one morning a different person. All joy and hope gone. I can't get my head round it, so try to "understand" by reading about other people's experiences. Is this going to help me? Or do I need to "feel" rather than understand? Is this what therapy would do for me?

The obvious thing is to blame my childhood. I had a good and happy childhood until my parent's marriage went very wrong when I was 11. When I was 13 my father left to move in with a woman with whom he was having an affair. My elder brother managed to escape the house for most of the time, and I was left living with my mother, a woman who could not cope with the situation she was in and had several nervous breakdowns. This culminated in her suicide attempt when I was about 15 - I was the one that found her and called the ambulance. She survived and the problems continued. I eventually escaped to university. In the past 10 years she has remarried and seems happy. She no longer takes the valium, anyway.

The only other real problem in my life that has caused me great worry is that I have never managed to find work that I really enjoy. I did English Lit at uni but was directionless upon leaving and drifted into various jobs. I now work in IT, as I enjoyed the creative aspect of web design. At 30, I am again thinking that I have made a poor choice and it is not for me, I cannot see me doing it for the long term. I don't enjoy my daily work and think this may have had an accumulative effect on my psyche maybe??? I cannot change careers again and take a pay cut, I have a responsibility to myself and to my wife to provide a secure future, and part of that has to be financial. I do not know if work is a REAL problem for me, or merely a symptom of other problems I have.

OK, so, if I have issues with my childhood and it has left me scarred in some way, then why have I been OK for the past 30 years? I remember the time between 13 and 19 years old as being horrendous, very difficult looking after my mother's mental health and trying to balance this with my own life. But I escaped, have had good relationships with people and with women, always considered myself "OK". Until one morning four weeks ago. Everything changed.

How do you sit with the idea that depression is a biological illness and that we cannot attribute it at all to lifetime events? A lot of the reading I have done suggests this. The whole problem with trying to find help is trying to sift through the differring opinions. The medical community does not seem to want to agree on the causes and correct treatments for depression. My doctor wanted to give me Prozac - I declined. I have asked to be put on waiting list for counselling. If this does not come through perhaps I will consider trying to pay for psychotherapy out of my own pocket. But crikey its expensive.

Anyway, blimey, sorry to have blurted all this out and thanks if you have read it all. If you have any advice on how your book might help, or other courses of action you think I should take, given your own experience, I would be very grateful.

Yours,
Gareth

[marina]

Hi Gareth,

You seem to have had some similar experiences to me at the same sorts of ages. My parents marriage went wrong when I was 11, culminating in my Father leaving when I was 13. Then my Father commited suicide when I was 15. Infact there were always problems with my parents marriage. A lot of it to do with my Fathers attitude to sex and his subsequent affairs. My Mother was very bad tempered and suffered depression. She took to drinking alcohol when my Father left and still has an alcohol problem now ( I am now 31). Enough of my history.......

As to your 'mystery' anxiety and depression. The events that you experienced are bound to have an effect on you. Why now? According to Benjamins theory, events are stored and emotions frozen when we are unable to deal with them at the time - this is a survival mechanism. These emtions need to be processed at some stage and usually come out at a time when we are more able to deal with them. Could the security you are now feeling in your marriage be creating an environment in which you can finally heal? Depression can indicate the emotions you are repressing are threatening which is why you repress them. Anxiety is caused by fear.

I would suggest the roots of these emotions do lie in your past...what other rational explanation could there be?

How much alcohol have you used in the past? Do you think you used it to escape your feelings?

I feel the same way as you about medication. I also think it will probably repress the emotions that your psyche is trying to get you to process.

What did you feel when you were younger, can you connect with those memories and feelings?

[Gareth]

Hi Marina,

Thanks a lot for your reply. It's always good to hear from people who have had similar experiences.

I have always understood intellectually that I went through a really tough time from about age 13-19. I had pretty much no-one looking after me during that period, and was stuck very much alone in a house with my mother, a woman who was extremely depressed, tried to kill herself, tried to stop me from seeing my father. She looked after me in physical terms but not emotionally - no-one did, I know that.

My confusion has been - why now? My wife raised the point that you have done as well - that I am at a point in my life now where it is safe for me to deconstruct myself and heal myself. Further to that, given that my wife and I have discussed having children in the next couple of years, then perhaps I am in a place right now where it is ESSENTIAL that I heal myself. I have got to sort these things out so that I can move on to my own life - a REAL life. The idea of having kids right now is too oppressive - I don't have the mental clarity to do so, and would fear for them in that - what if this illness gets worse and I can't look after them. If I have kids I need to be absolutely 3000% sure that they will get the very best emotional upbringing. Luckily my wife understand and I definitely have the time and space to sort myself out - as much as is needed.

Forgive me if I mention my wife a lot in all this, but as she has been through the therapy thing, she has had a lot of insights that I have not been able to find. I use a lot of her experiences when thinking about my own.

As far as relating my childhood to what I am feeling now - I really haven't been able to. The best I have managed is that I have realised recently that I have always been trying to look after everyone - first my mother from when I was 13, then I was in a relationship with an emotionally disturbed girl from about age 16-19, and tried to help her and comfort her, then I moved to London and my brother was having terrible trouble with his long-term girlfriend, and also a bit of a drinking problem, and I tried to help him through that. Also, not long after I met my wife, 6 years ago, she went into therapy for anger issues which were a result of her mother abandoning her as a child, and I have done my best to help her through that. Her development into a more confident and happy person have been a revelation to me and I love her all the more for achieving what she has done. She gives me my credit for what I have done as well. She says that now its my turn.

So... my wife thinks that there has never been any real time just for ME in my life. And that is why I am depressed. There isn't anyone left to look after - she is OK, my mother is OK, my brother is OK, everyone is OK. Except me.

I don't know, the links to my childhood etc etc just seem too convenient. Can it really be that easy? When I am depressed, I NEVER think about what has happened to me in the past. Over the past 15 years I have not ruminated about it or obsessed about it. I have just got on with my life. It is only because of my layman's understanding of therapy and my wife's experiences with a therapist that I have even made the leap to thinking I could be depressed because of my past. I just don't feel it.

Plus, the symptoms I have had just do not FEEL like they have anything to do with things that have happened to me - I can't make the leap. And you're right, there is no other rational explanation. The only one I could think of is that I have never found happiness or fulfillment in work, and that there is a profound sense of dissatisfaction with my lot - in that if you have to do something for 8 hours a day, it is essential to enjoy it. I have always tolerated work, never enjoyed it. I've always been good at my jobs and put a lot into them, but never felt that connected to them. I DO feel disappointed with myself on that score, like I should have achieved more than I have. This must be a factor, but not one I can address and change until I get through the depression, so that leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. I certainly can't go off changing careers while I feel like this, I am not in a state to make life changes or such important decisions.

Plus, I don't earn hugely well. I earn OK, but not massively well. And that has become more of a problem for me recently and something I worry about. I want an easy life (financially) for me, my wife and whatever family we decide to have. I have a terrible fear that I'm not going to be able to "provide". Even though I know that it is emotional support and love that is so much more important than money, and that with what I earn we will be OK and a lot of people aren't as lucky. But the irrational fear remains and haunts me.

So... if I have always been a bit down and never quite "connected" with myself, then it is natural is it not that I would never have found my "calling", if you like, because I don't really know who I am??? Are my anxieties about work the chicken or the egg?

Your question re alcohol - yes I have used alcohol to my advantage to get on better in social situations, and to give me a "high". I have also used some recreational drugs for this reason in the past as well. The alchohol has been a way of life since I was 18 - that's nearly 13 years now. So that is every Friday and Saturday, going out and meeting friends and drinking to the point of intoxication, sometimes getting completed battered. I have been a "social drinker". I never drank on my own, or drank outside of social situations. So never felt like I had a problem.

Alcohol suddenly IS a problem in my life now though, as it is of course, a depressant. So when I drink now, I feel SO much worse the next day. So I have knocked drinking on the head. Which has inevitably isolated me from friends and social activities I would normally be doing. I feel like I could get used to this in time, it will just take a while to find a new way of life. Plus this is a shame because I have always really enjoyed a night out in the pub and a few pints of beer, or sharing a bottle of wine with my wife. Perhaps there will be a time when I can do this again, but its not for now.

One final point - I felt like crying today for the first time since all this started when I read the line in your post: "Could the security you are now feeling in your marriage be creating an environment in which you can finally heal?"

Does this mean something?! Oh it is a rocky road isn't it?

Thanks again and I hope you are feeling really well today. I'd be interested to hear more about the problems you have had and any other insights/thoughts. I am pretty much obsessing over my condition at the moment, and talking to people like you really helps I think.

all the best,
Gareth

[marina]

If you feel like crying, I would urge you to let go and cry. Crying to me is a release of pain and it can only lead to feeling unburdened afterwards.

What has happened to your Father in all of this. You don't appear to have mentioned him again.

It is very hard living with a bitter mother - I did too. I am glad your Mum finally moved on as mine has never really been able to and I feel very angry at her for that. I feel angry too that my parents robbed me of being a teenager. It is hard enough to grow up and become an adult without having to take the burden of our parents failed marriage. I recently did some counselling for the first time before Christmas and was reminded that at that point I was actually a child/teen and not in control of the situation at all. It is so wrong for adults to push problems that they can't deal with themselves onto children who are not emotionally mature enough to deal with them. Quite possibly you were unable to experience your emotions as you were too busy supporting your Mother when she should have been there for you. I would start to speculate that your feelings included fear of abandonment, your Dad left and your Mum tried to kill herself - this would lead to fears for your own survival and must have made you feel very insecure. You would probably feel angry too (although you may have repressed this out of misplaced guilt). Also there are grief and loss issues here. Were you able to grieve for the things you lost? eg A Father in the family home, the Mother you had before, the nuclear family, the brother that fled the nest, your lost teenage years. In our society we are expected to move on so quickly yet unresolved grief leads to depression. So it is good to let go of all the pain and acknowledge the loss.

Other life events that trigger grief are the change of a job and you could be suffering a loss of identity too. What I mean by this is you took on the role of rescuer in the family home...a trait that you carried on into your adult life. Your wife is now healed, you now have no-one to rescue and this seems to have become part of your identity. I guess this means you can breathe a sigh of relief now because you no longer have to fix everyones problems. But you probably gain something from this behaviour yourself. Any ideas? Another idea I just had is that by rescuing people, you could feel in control of the situation when underneath as a teenager you probably felt helpless. Any way I am probably rambling now, but would be interested to know your thoughts on my specualtion.

[Gareth]

Marina,

where is my father? Well, he is also remarried and I have 3 half sisters. One of these half sisters is from the relationship he had that he left my mother for. He no longer sees this child and me and my brother have never met her. She would be about 13 now. He also has two daughters, aged 11 and 8, from his current marriage. I see them all regularly. It is very much like they are his family now, but me and my brother are "his boys" who he is very proud of and has a history with. But he has never engaged me in conversation about what happened when we were younger. We don't talk about it. I don't talk about it with my mother either. I have never seen the point. I don't trust that they are emotionally intelligent enough to ever understand what went on or how it might have affected me. They have both been entirely selfish, 100% of the time, and I don't want to put myself on the line by exposing myself to them. I think my energies are best used in revealing myself to people that have the capacity and the love to receive me openly, primarily my wife.

I think my Dad is terrified of talking to me about that time. My brother and I cut him out of our lives when I was about 20, for two years. This was because he had finally completely cut our mother off financially and she was in an awful state. I felt I had to do it out of loyalty to my mother. I started seeing him again about 8 years ago and have continued quite a surface level "friendship" where me and wife visit him, and he visits us, etc. Most of the focus when we see them is on his two daughters, who are great and who I love. It is easier for us all to focus on them, they are fresh and new and with no problems, and probably have a very happy future ahead of them. I have no resentment towards them. They are in awe of their big brothers and I really hope to have a strong relationship with them as they grow up. At the moment, the fact that I don't particularly want to see my father or his wife gets in the way of that a little.

It is interesting that you mention anger. I had a preliminary meeting with a therapist the other week, just to test the water, and at the end she said to me "Where is the anger?" It was a good question, as I've never really felt anger or resentment towards anyone in my family. Perhaps I have a little towards my father for causing all the problems in the first place. But really my feelings over the past 10 years have always seemed to revolve around avoiding disappointment. I always hope desperately for the best and if something goes well I am relieved and move on to the next thing. I have no time or space for anger - I have never felt it would be very useful to me. Maybe it would. What do you think?

I KNOW I should have been looked after better from age 13. I should have been removed from that home with my mother for my own good. But I was kind of used as a battering ram and a punchbag from all sides. I know all of this. I managed to have a teenage life and to have friends and interests etc, but clearly it was no idyll. I was troubled and that is becoming more obvious as time goes on. I have always relied on a small group of close friends who I trust rather than ever being truly gregarious and outgoing. People sometimes scare me a little and if I can avoid interaction with strangers, I generally will. With close friends I am the life and soul of the party, with strangers I don't say a word until spoken to. This has got better since I have got older, but it is definitely still with me.

No, I do not feel that I have ever grieved for the things I have lost. I know that things would have been very different for me if my parents had stayed together and been happy. But I think I may have been fearful of really thinking about these things, like I don't want to open that up. I feel a lot of sadness, a lot of the time, and have put it in a box. I have filled my life with happy pursuits - girlfriends, being with friends, going on holidays, playing guitar in a band, creative writing, gardening, reading, films. All of these are great distractions, and have always provided me with so much pleasure and fulfillment. With the onset of depression, a generic sadness that can be masked has turned into something that takes over my entire existence. Something is asking to be addressed. But I still don't feel any connections to things that have happened to me. The connections just feel like something you would read in a self-help book! And therefore they feel phoney to me... Its hard to explain.

I was always quite a nervous child, even from when I was very young. Not to a crippling degree, but I clearly always had anxieties and was always quiet. I have always tended to wear a frown rather than a smile, and have always looked on the dark side of things. Is it this negative thinking that has added up and made me depressed?

And yes I think that helping people may have become a "habit" for me. It feels like my life has been in a constant state of crisis. There is always something to fix, some big project to be completed, someone to help through something, someone to be there for. Its not that I like this state of crisis, I hate it. I want peace and to be settled and calm. I've never been able to, for one reason or another. What I don't know is - have I never had peace of mind because of the chaotic nature of life, or is it because I have mental health issues that need to be addressed?

I think I maybe need to reprogramme my brain to think positively, and that many many years of negative thinking, worrying, ruminating, have left me in this state of depression and anxiety. Is it overload in my brain? My brain is now in a constant state of fearing the worst because that is what I have always told it will happen.

Can I ask - how are you now? Did you get hit by depression one day like me, or has it always been there for you? What do you find you can do to help yourself, and have you ever tried any therapies or drugs or anything?

Thanks again for the insights,
Gareth

[marina]

I think trying to do positive things with your life is the best way to alleviate depression but I also know that when you are affected by depression, the will to do those things can disappear. With no motivation and no hope it is difficult to see anything positive and we can become overwhelmed with negative thoughts.

You are probably right in not confronting your Father or Mother about their actions as the past cannot be changed. The only thing you can really change is your own feelings. By that I mean that of course it is painful to have been through your experiences, but that you can release that pain (I still havent moved on from my pain completely, but am still trying). I tend to think on days when I feel depressed it is that pain that is holding me back. The burden they placed on me is weighing me down. At the end of the day this wasn't even my baggage. I didn't create it so I shouldn't have to carry it. Therefore I am trying psychologically and emotionally to let go of this misery that I was burdened with.

I am now 31 and a single parent with a son of 7. I have just had a failed relationship with someone and am struggling to come to terms with that right now. I feel my parents have made it really difficult to trust another human being and have a happy fulfilling relationship. I really did care about this guy and I have known him for 1 1/2 years now and he moved in for 5 weeks and we spent a lot of time arguing, screaming and shouting at each other and I don't understand why when I genuinely wanted to be happy with him. But I pushed him away as I was scared and now I feel desperately lonely and sad.

Anyway, back to your situation. It seems unlikely that you wouldn't experience any anger given what you have been through but maybe that's because I am used to myself being angry all the time. I don't know if anger is really that useful as I personally don't know how to stop being angry. If you are not angry, what is the point in making yourself so?

It seems you probably feel disappointed and let down - hence you trying to avoid disappointment in your life now. Perhaps you need to acknowledge that disappointment.

It is probably also pointless to imagine how things could have been a lot happier had your parents stayed together because clearly if they were unhappy they would have stayed together. Was it your Fathers affair that split them up? What led to your Fathers affair? How has your mothers bitterness/pain made you feel towards your Father and men in general? (Probably not such a problem for you as you dont have to form your primary relationship with a man). I know my Mums bitterness and hatred towards my Father has expanded to all men and has affected my attitude towards men too. I have real trouble in treating men as people with any feelings. I am really nasty and abusive towards men because of the way I was abandoned and my Mothers hatred. I act out my pain towards my partners, which makes relationships really difficult. I dont have the answers but am commited to finding them. It seems you are lucky in having the support of your wife.

Another reason for not speaking about this to your parents is that they didn't take care of your needs then and were extremely selfish so they are likely to be pretty much the same now. I can't believe how utterly selfish my parents were. I do confront my Mother over her actions and she retaliates by saying 'what about your Father'. It is difficult for people like that to get out of the cycle of blame and take responsibility for their own actions. Yes your Father left your Mother, but did she have to become such a victim?

Anyway I am probably being a little harsh because of my own experiences and anger and in fairness your Mother sounds as though she has moved on now.

How did you find the counselling? Was it just talking therapy? I found my first session very useful although I felt awful for a few days afterwards. My second session I did guided imagery which I wasn't really sure about so I have not been back since. Now I am dealing with a failed relationship so maybe I will try another session with someone else. I will keep trying to get through by expressing my feelings on here and wherever else!! I have never taken anti-depressants and have recovered from depression in the past. I have friends who take anti-depressants who then hit rock bottom when they stop taking them again. I think most doctors take a more biological view of depression eg lack of serotinin etc in the brain which I believe is the cause of some depression usually with sleep disturbances and inability to eat etc. I tend to take a more wholistic view myself. I do think most depressions are due to emotional reasons (which alter brain chemistry). It wouldn't make sense that a quarter of the population develop altered brain chemistry for no particular reason. As someone who has suffered frequent black moods, I would say to you there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will return to a happier state of mind.

My emotional difficulties started in my teens with eating disorders and depression which prevented me from attending school, followed by drug abuse and psychosis when I was 22. When I was 23 I became pregnant and my life has improved since then. It is only in the past year that I have started really delving into my past with the hopes of leaving it where it belongs.

Thanks for your interest.

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím really impressed with the effort that you are putting into helping yourself. Perhaps your wife has given you a very positive role model is this. But I suppose that you are also used to helping people, just not yourself.

You seem like a very cogent intelligent person so what Iím going to do is just tell you what is happening to you. It is what happened to me ten years ago. I then spend a great deal of time and money trying to understand it. When I felt like I did, I wrote a book to explain what I thought Iíd learned. Not everyone will agree with me, but beware the professionals who havenít put in the time, expense and effort to get to the recesses of their own personal psychic basements. And I agree that it is annoying when you first come to needing help that everyone who supposedly knows what they are talking about disagrees with one another!

So hereís whatís true according to me:

Firstly you have been traumatised by the events you describe. This means that you have on some level frozen as specific times and incidents in your life. In the wild, this happens to animals sometimes, like to an impala when caught by a lion. Sometimes the lion doesnít eat the impala, confused that it may already be dead. When this happens, the impala eventually ìwakes upî and carries on exactly as it did just before it froze. The important image to understand from this is that the impala is acting as if it is just about to be eaten, but there is no lion in sight. Fortunately the impala doesnít have the conscious mind necessary to worry about this, but you do. You are an impala that is unfreezing. Of course you canít connect the feelings with the original impulse for them; thatís what trauma is for, to protect you from the initial overload of the original event.

The other thing to know is that when car manufactures make cars safer, we drive them more dangerously. Our capacity for risk seems to be set at a fairly constant level. So when we get older and help ourselves to more secure, happier lives, so our capacity for taking internal risks increases. The overall risk remains the same. This is why when lives get better, they sometimes feel worse. I think this has happened to you. You seem very secure with your wife. She has a great attitude towards mental health and emotional development. No-one is needing anything from you. It is now your time to fall apart and get the attention and help that you deserved to get when you were a teenager.

Given how rapidly you put one and one together above, I imagine that it all now seems mostly clear how you got to this place. If not, please ask more, or if you feel like it you might indeed benefit from reading my book. It is more logical in construction than many and could therefore appeal to you.

You are right about many of your conjectures. It is likely that you are not well connected with your true self and this will of course manifest itself in your career. Your ennui sound just like a lack of real harmony between who you are and what you do. If youíve abandoned who you are when you were young so that you could survive, then it stands to reason that you donít know what to do.

Therapy should bring you many benefits. Ultimately you are right that the project here is not to think, but to feel. The mind and its intellect can be a gateway to that, but over intellectualising can also be a defence. It is a good idea to balance therapy with some non-mental therapies. Iíd recommend stuff like yoga, meditation and normal exercise, particularly for anxiety and depression. However anything that gets you feeling and connecting those feelings with the events of the past is a good thing. To that end, just going to see a film and writing a journal are also part of the solution. Alcohol unfortunately is not. When your system recovers a bit from this release of anxiety (and perhaps other feelings not yet felt ñ the ones you depress yourself to repress) you will again one day be able to have a glass of wine. But binge drinking is the opposite of regaining your feelings and has a terrible effect on anxiety and depression.

In the end you will see this as the start of the next best thing that happened to you. It might take a year, or a decade, to get that perspective, but it will come. And with it (again you are very perceptive) will come the skills to be a much more open, loving, understanding and effective parent. Just donít judge the process by its results too much. It is a journey, not a destination. Your train has left its station. Youíll only start to enjoy the ride once you can bear to look forwards and forget about where youíve come from.

[Gareth]

Many thanks for the reply. That has been more helpful and more profound for me than anything that I have read over the past month of feeling like this. I can't tell you why, it just has.

I'm in all sorts of bother today and i can't work out if its a good thing or a bad thing! I am often on the verge of tears and find it hard to concentrate on anything but this issue. I know I am completely obsessing about my condition but cannot stop - I feel out of control in that respect - unable to stop thinking and reading about my condition. Its a weird sensation - being on the verge of crying, the pressure and anxiety lift, and all is there is the need to crumble. Its not better, not worse, just new and different to me... Something has obviously clicked somewhere. Obviously I have a need to break down, but to what extent? Once I start how far will it go - will I be able to bring myself back to stability again? Will it help to be a blubbering mess for a few hours? How far should I let it go before trying to regain control? I guess the answers to all of these things lie in the doing...

I think the change in me today comes down to this - I have been unable to fully commit my mind to a certain treatment for what is wrong with me because I have been unable to fall into one of the two general camps; 1) the people who say that depression is caused by traumatic effects in one's life; 2) the people who say that depression is a physical illness in the brain - a chemical imbalance that can't really effectively be treated by anything other than a good diet and exercise.

I think because anxiety and depression (particularly anxiety) FEEL like a physical illness, with several disturbing physical symptoms, then I have been tending to agree with those people that say that it is a disorder of the brain and that no amount of self-analysis and talking therapy will ever help. I also probably have thought this because in the final analysis, this is the most scary scenario really, and I do tend to expect the worst... these people say that there is no real solution to all of this - at least people like yourself say that there are things you can do to help yourself, and that eventually, this process of self-discovery is at least edifying.

My wife, then Marina, and now you, have convinced me that I need to fall into one camp if I am going to start treatment and therefore recovery. Many of the things you say about "trauma" and being "frozen" resonate with me strongly, so that's it - I am going to go down this path of self-discovery. I have to start somewhere, and spending loads of time procrastinating is not going to help.

So thank you for helping me move on a step. I am going to buy your book as I think that if a few paragraphs can have such a profound effect on me, then hopefully the exercises etc in your book will help me to move on even further.

I am also waiting to hear back from a pastoral foundation who offer (hopefully) comparatively low cost therapy sessions. If they are able to help me with something that I can afford then I will begin work with them as soon as they are able to have me.

I also have a free counselling session booked in at my doctor's this coming Saturday morning. Could I get your advice on counselling vs therapy? Can you give me any insights on the differences and the relative effectiveness of each technique? I imagine that someone with complicated historical difficulties like myself would really benefit from a trained psychotherapist? I mean, my wife gives me counselling in a way; its just talking isn't it? - will it help me to go to a stranger for that? I don't want to waste time starting on a path with a counsellor and developing a relationship with them, when I am only going to stop and take therapy after all. I understand that it would be a bad idea to try to do both concurrently...

The therapy could be some way off yet though, perhaps even months, so I was wondering if you had any advice on anything I can do in the meantime. In particular you mention exercise and meditation and yoga. I have started to go back to the gym and intend to exercise at least 3 times a week. Perhaps I will consider yoga as well, I heard it is great for relaxation.

Have you ever seen any evidence that herbal supplements such as St John's Wort help? I have bought some St John's Wort, and will try it, but I have heard that IF it does anything, it will usually take 6-8 weeks to do so.

I need some relief soon, even if I started to feel a little bit better I would be very encouraged. But from what I have heard I will probably start to feel a whole lot worse before I feel better, that I will be taken apart before I can be put back together. But if I feel worse in a kind of emotional, understanding what is wrong with me way, it will be better than the past month of confusion and worry, I suppose.

As far as putting the effort into helping myself... my symptoms came on so rapidly and with such distressing force that I had no choice really. Something had to be done or I would cease to function as a human being. I am still very much trying to "understand" and feel that I need to release this a little. You say that "over intellectualising can also be a defence" - this rings very true with me. When I am reading about this condition I may be nodding and scratching my chin, and actually comforting myself and feeling a little better, but I am not getting to the root of the problem, or moving on.

Can I ask about your own experiences? I guess I will get to see them in the book but it would help to get an idea of what you went through, as you say that what is happening to me sounds similar to what happened to you.

Was it anxiety or depression you suffered from or both? How did it start for you? How bad was it? How on earth did you learn so much about it and from what sources? How long did it take for you to find some kind of relief? Do you still have relapses to this day or do you feel you have "conquered" it? Did psychotherapy help you? You say your journey took 10 years - were you ill for the whole of those 10 years - or did you find some happiness and peace of mind at an earlier stage?

I know that this is completely impossible to answer... but I have been thinking about timescales. I feel like some small relief really needs to come very soon. I can fight and I can battle over many years if that is what it takes, but finding the strength to do so will be very very hard if I do not start to feel at least a little better in the coming weeks.

Sorry for all the questions but you know how it is. If I'm going into battle I'd better have the best possible weapons and allies by my side!

Thanks again,
Gareth

[Benjamin Fry]

Some answers in summary:

- how far to let your self go? As far as you can. You will find it hard enough anyway. And your system will never let you go further than you can bear.
- 1 v. 2? 2 is a subset of 1. Emotions, repressed or flowing are the cause of chemical changes in the body. Treating the chemistry without attending to the soul (actually the translation of the Greek pscyhotherapia) is like fixing a car by ripping out its warning light.
- Counselling v. therapy? You could ask a hundred counsellors and therapist the difference and get a hundred different answers. In the end it is all just two people in a room. The important thing is you like the other person and feel comfortable with them. Some research suggests that it is the relationship rather than the technique which is most important. Having said that, some types of people and therapists are more compatible with some techniques so they tend to find one another. Psychoanalysts have the most theoretical training; psychotherapists are a broader grouping that have varying training and ideologies; counsellors tend to bring less technique and more human contact. I suspect that you would enjoy a psychotherapist with some fairly formal discipline and training, like a psychoanalyst. But then there are a lot of nuts analysts out there.
- In the meantime? Yoga, meditation, gym three times a week. Journal writing every day ñ write your feelings and thoughts as they come to you.
- I donít know about St. Johnís Wort. Physical remedies are not my area. Try Barefoot Doctor.
- About me? Anxiety and depression. Started with panic attacks and it was bad enough, but I could still live in the outside world without drugs ñ just. I learnt about it by learning about myself, mainly in therapy. Initial relief came in a few weeks in therapy, but long term improvement is an on-going issue. Iíve had ups and downs over the last decade but the general direction has been up in a way that I never expected. And yes Iíve had lots of good times. You can read all about it in my book.
- Time? Initial relief will come with starting to talk about the past, especially with a trained therapist.

There is one thing that you can do to immediately improve your situation. Thereís a scene in Lawrence of Arabia when a young Lawrence shows his resistance to pain. A lighter is held under his palm and he doesnít flinch. The soldier asks him how come it doesnít hurt. Lawrence replies that the trick isnít getting it not to hurt. The trick is not minding.

This is the difference between embarking on your journey looking forward and leaving the station looking back. There is a genuine difference between the state of mind that is suffering because you are suffering and the one that is merely observing that you are suffering. The trick is not minding. You are currently letting go of blocked energy that is making you and your life less than it might be. It is a good thing to let it go. It just feels awful, and your mind is trained to resist what feels bad. The moment you stop minding and start accepting and observing, you will find that first pit-stop of relief that you crave.

It is all explained in my book. Unfortunately you wonít get your book for about a week if you ordered it recently since weíve run out of stock, but it will arrive in due course.

[marina]

Hi Gareth

Don't worry about letting yourself go and becoming a blubbering mess! It is quite acceptable for a woman so go for it. It is actually proven that tears contain a number of chemicals and do actually release toxins from the body. Don't be scared you'll still be you afterwards and you will stop crying! Infact you should feel a sense of relief from it. I read somewhere the other day that it is estimated a victim of child abuse needs to cry for 1500 hours to release the trauma - not sure how true this is but I know I have done a lot of crying and it does seem to chip away at the pain.

As for the counselling versus therapy debate, choose what you feel comfortable. I personally wouldn't recommend anything too wacky and I feel there are lots of well meaning people out there who cannot really help you!! I myself paid £30 per hour very recently for one such experience. I would say talking does help a lot. You have an awareness of the events that took place so just talking over them would probably help you. You will probably see yourself from a different perspective looking back. You took on adult responsibilities, yet when you look back you will be able to see that you were infact a child/teenager struggling to cope.

Although I have always gone with the belief that depression is to do with unresolved issues, I have now decided to take a course of anti-depressants. This is mainly because I seem to be stuck in my problems and need help in moving on. I have never taken them before but will try and see if I get any improvements. This is mainly because I need to get on with my every day life and cope with work etc. I will be starting a counselling course at the doctors as well. Funnily enough when I came home with the medication today, I phoned my Mum to tell her. Eventually the conversation came round to me blaming her for my misery for all the S*** I had to deal with as a teenager. I am now in touch with my anger...again. She was in tears begging for forgiveness but even if I forgive her, I am still the one having difficulties in my relationships because of the insecurity I feel thanks to my parents. I am the one who has just lost someone special because I couldnt let go of the pain my parents put me through. I really hate them for that. They had 20 years of marriage. I find it hard to trust someone enough to take things further than 3 dates. If I hadn't been so miserable, I wouldn't of had a child to make my life complete - as a single parent. If they hadn't torn my world apart and destroyed my trust in human beings, I may of felt there was some hope for me in the future, but I didnt. I didn't feel that anyone would ever love me. I didn't feel that I was worthy of love. I couldn't love even love myself. Hence the eating disorders, the drug abuse, the one-night stands. But now I accept that I do deserve to be loved, and that I need to value myself as a person. So much can be taken away from us when our parents divorce and we don't understand what WE as CHILDREN have done wrong.

Anyway, just tapped into some anger there!!!!

St Johns wort in clinical trials is meant to be just as effective as prescription anti-depressants but without the side effects. They are quite expensive but certainly worth trying. If you cant afford them, they are called Hypericum and you can actually grow them in your garden and extract the oil....but with caution of course...don't try this at home!!! - But its not illegal!

I don't know how long it will take for you to overcome your current problems, but keep your emotions flowing, and I suspect you will resolve your problems quicker by facing them head on.

Good luck

[Gareth]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I had my first free counselling session at my doctor's on Saturday for an hour. I basically went over a potted history of my life to date. It is helpful to talk and I got very emotional at points which I guess must mean that these things from the past that I am talking about ARE having some effect on me today. Or it just means that I am still in shock at the severity of my symptoms. The counsellor says that she sees a real desperation in me to get things fixed - which is true, and she says that over our 10 sessions we will look at the past but also look at ways of building a more positive future. I like the sound of that - the bit about the future. I think I liked her as a person - which Benjamin says is important, so that is a good thing. Back to the crying thing - at the moment I can't imagine allowing myself to cry in front of her (I've only met her once!) but at some point I think I may be able to, which I hope will be useful to me, as you say.

But she summed it up well - most often I don't feel like crying, I just feel desperate, desperate for things to change and get better. I have already made one leap - this is how I felt when I was stuck in the situation with my mother when she was ill, and also when my father left etc etc. I felt desperate then, I feel desperate now. Also, when other difficult "life" things have happened to me, like when I bought my first flat and when I moved in and realised that I had incredibly noisy neighbours on all sides, which escalated to the point of having to move out, I felt desperate for things to change then as well. I worked tirelessly to fix it in a desperate rush to stop the terrible disappointment I was feeling. Also, I rush through life, incredibly impatient in all things I do. I think this is because I am so used to disappointment. I rush through things as I am constantly seeking the end of every experience, because if an experience ends without disappointment, I am relieved. I am constantly seeking that feeling of relief that comes with things that have gone OK and not f_cked up, because I just expect everything to f_ck up all the time. This rushing through life means that I have never lived in the present, that I have never properly "engaged" with the experiences of my life.

I got married last year in November, which was incredibly stressful for both me and my wife because it was the first time both of our estranged parents would be in the same room together in about 14 years. We rushed through the preparations, and I became obsessive with making sure everything went off OK, down to the tiniest little detail. I love my wife desperately and wanted to marry her, but never once felt truly happy to be going through this. I expected the worst and had a fear of the day, and to sum up - never properly engaged with it emotionally.

We talked about this yesterday and agreed and admitted for the first time that our wedding day was not really about us - it was all about our parents. It was more their day than ours, the day they had all been waiting for for years (not because they were excited about seeing their kids get married, but because they were panicked and emotional about seeing their ex-spouses). We had no choice but to do our wedding day the way we did it, with them all there. That day had to be had - it had been coming ever since the divorces. We were powerless to stop it happening, and powerless to stop it being about them. The acknowledgement of that, and the acknowledgement that its not our fault, is refreshing.

So we gave them that day, and now it is time to leave them in the past. One thing that I fully intend to do at some point (maybe in a year or so) is for me and my wife to get married FOR US, just me and her to renew our vows in a simple ceremony, maybe with a couple of friends, and to put the seal properly on our marriage.

However, all that above is secondary really to the one specific thing is happening to me now that has taken over all of my thoughts and energy. I was wondering if I could possibly get your perspective as people who have suffered from anxiety, and see if any of this rings true as being anxiety. It just feels like something else is horribly wrong with me.

I have mentioned to you that I have had "pressure in my head" as the main physical symptom of my anxiety. This has come and gone and never been hugely onerous as I have put it down to emotional problems and just figured my "brain is tired" from the constant anxiety. When I have been depressed it has not really been there, so I have figured it can't be a physical problem.

But yesterday I was walking around in town and felt a sudden wave of pressure in my brain, it was like a strong tingling or numbing sensation, sweeping across from one side of my brain to the other. I dealt with it, tried not to panic, and got on with walking around and went and had a bite to eat with my wife. But ever since that happened, I have had strong pressure on one area of my brain, near the front, like part of my brain is being held in a clamp or a vice or something. It is physically uncomfortable and really causing me a great deal of worry. I didn't sleep at all last night, nearly went to the hospital to ask for help, and I still have it today, albeit not as bad as last night. I does not seem to affect me physically in any other way, like impairing motor function or anything like that.

Up until this point on Sunday, it had been a good day - my wife and I had a good walk around town and a really long talk and I was actually enjoying the sunshine and the walk and was feeling a little more positive, so I don't get why this kicked in when it did.

Was this just a panic attack that has left me with some residual anxiety? It just didn't feel like the panic attacks I have had before, which have been more about racing heart and desire to get away from wherever I am, and have subsided within 10 minutes or so. This thing kept me up all night. Have I had this increased wave of anxiety because I went to the counsellor and have released some emotion in doing so and the increased anxiety is a result of this?

One thing that may be important - I drank alcohol on Saturday night - two bottles of beer and two glasses of wine over about a six hour period, the most I have drunk for a few weeks, but nothing in comparison to what I used to drink. But I got up Sunday and I felt OK, it felt like the alcohol had not affected me in any way. I had the usual low level awareness of anxiety, but nothing had got worse. Until this incident with my brain... could it be as simple as the alcohol affecting me, and if so, why would it take so long to kick in and then still be with me today?

Also, the symptoms remind me of another time in my life. I have only taken lsd once, but did so 8 years ago at university, and the trip was fine, but for a couple of weeks afterwards I didn't feel so good. I had some of the problems I am having now, some pressure in my head, slurred speech, slight problems with balance and coordination. But they were not coupled with any emotional problems, and I got better and have been OK for the past 8 years - could this one experience with lsd have stayed with me all this time and is now coming back to me? Have I altered or damaged my brain in some way? That thought is the most terrifying one for me, that I have done all this to myself. I do not think that this experience with lsd is the only cause of any anxiety problems I have had, because I had two or three panic attacks in the couple of years before I took it. But I have always had a horrible fear that I have done something terrible to myself from taking it.

This matches with my worst fears about my condition - that I am going to go mad, that things aren't going to get better, that my brain is irreparably damaged, etc. Am I "displacing" my true fears about tackling my real emotional problems (because they are so big and difficult), with a more readily convenient fear about the effects of minor drug abuse?

Am I only asking these questions about the lsd because it is easier to blame the lsd for what is wrong with me than blame very complex emotional issues? Am I using this one experience 8 years ago as a red herring? So confusing... I just don't have the answers to all of these questions...

I have been to see my doctor about my physical symptoms and described them to him, but he shrugs them off and blames them on the anxiety, but at many times, the physical symptoms are the ones that cause me the problems, as it really feels like I have brain damage or something. I know this sounds crazy, which is why I wanted to get the thoughts and perspective of people who have been through anxiety. Marina - you have mentioned that you have some experience with drug abuse - have you seen anything like what I am describing?

Also Marina - you say you are going to try some anti-depressants. Do let me know how you get on with that, I would be really interested to know. Would you mind sharing with me which ones you are going to take? It sounds like you have tried many things but cannot get past your difficulties, and I really wish you all the very best for the course of anti-depressants. I have read that they do give many people relief, and the time and the space to work through issues confidently, so I hope that they will make you stronger for your work in the counselling sessions. It clearly isn't a snap decision for you. Your anger is clearly still in evidence and I'm sure a good counsellor will be able to help you work through that and let it go. I really believe that all this has to be about looking forwards - are you able to do so? Perhaps as Benjamin says, when you are sitting on that train and moving along, you can only turn around and look forwards when you are sure that what is behind you is no longer dangerous to you. You and I both seem to believe that what is behind us has the potential to catch us up and do something horrible to us, so we are keeping one eye trained on it, and therefore we have a constant sense of impeding doom, a constant fear, which I suppose causes anxiety and depression.

I am taking St John's Wort, in the form of a brand called Amoryn, coupled with another supplement called SAM-e which is supposed to be a mood enhancer, and another one called GABA, which is supposed to promote relaxation and a calm state of mind. I have read from people who have been on anti-depressants in the past that this particular combination of supplements has been really useful to them when they have decided to come off of the tablets (in this case, Prozac). I'll let you know how I get on with the supplements. You are right, they are expensive, but I'll give it two months and see where I am. Hopefully by then I will also see some benefit from the counselling or the therapy.

Apparently one side-effect of Amoryn is a potential increase in anxiety in the first two weeks of taking the tablets. I am hoping that this is part of why I suddenly felt worse yesterday. I will stick with them though for the 6 weeks that they say it takes to see an effect.

Again, thanks to both of you for reading this, and thanks in advance for any comments you might have. I know you don't have all the answers but it is useful to get a perspective from people who have been there.

Gareth

[marina]

Hi Gareth

I am taking Prozac and the first night I cried and cried. In a lot of ways this was because I felt a sense of relief that finally I have been given some help with the symptoms of depression. - I have previously been terrified of taking anything. I have real hope now that in 2 weeks a lot of the chatter and negative thoughts in mind will be calmed. Hopefully my mood will be lifted and I will be able to tackle everyday life again. Already I am feeling slightly better and not getting so down.

I am not so angry with my Mother now - after all if this is a biological illness, how is my Mother to blame. She has suffered with depression too and if it is genetic then she could only pass on the genes she was born with.

I doubt very much that your experience with LSD would cause you any problems now. Although it can cause people a lot of problems it would have occured at the time. If you are experiencing strange sensations in your head, continue to speak to your Doctor. If you are not happy with one doctor try another. I should have been prescribed antidepressants years ago when I was really ill, but I was just left to suffer while people with questionable illnesses get prescriptions. I would recommend taking medication to alleviate some of the symptoms you are experiencing which will leave you better placed to deal with the route course in counselling. Some medications don't mix well with St Johns Wort so be sure to tell your doctor what you are taking.

Your feelings of doom and fear are the symptoms of your illness. Why suffer? Im not convinced your suffering will really benefit you. There is no need to play the martyr. Yes, listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you. If you need to release the pain of the past, let it go. Cry. Shout. Scream. Taking medication wont stop you from having feelings - it hasnt for me yet!! But hopefully it will alleviate the terrible low moods that I suffer with when I mentally beat myself up with feelings of guilt and hopelessness and anger and bitterness. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I need a new perspective. I feel I will only be able to make those necessary changes in my life if I have the optimism needed. This is what I am hoping for as at the present and for some time now, my moods fluctuate so dramatically that everything can look great one day and really black the next when infact nothing has changed - just my mood. This is due to brain chemistry and that is why I have finally decided to take medication. My pain has overcome my fear of the consequences. Infact the consequences should hopefully be that I get my life back, that I may start rebuilding myself after all the knocks I have taken - although I don't really know what my fear was/is. A fear of letting go of all the pain which I am used to, - does this pain keep a connection with my dead father. Ongoing grief that I dont want to let go of because that is like letting go of him? Do I not want to accept that he is gone? That the last few years of his life were unhappy? - For all of us, my Mum, my Brother, my Dad, me. We now seem to be connected by pain not love. And I don't want that. Perhaps I fear that I if I let go of my pain I will lose my Mum and Brother too. That pain keeps me locked in the past before all this happened, when we were a family, happy. I don't want to admit that that has gone, but it has and by not accepting it I am stopping myself from really enjoying life in the present. From giving my son the happiness he deserves in his life. So I vow to let go of all that here and now and move on.

I seem to have gone on one a bit there!!! But I will leave the post as it is honest and straight from the heart. Infact my broadband ends today so I will not be able to post so much for a while so good luck with your journey and I hope you find the answers.

[Benjamin Fry]

One of the downsides of experiencing anxiety is that is makes you hyperaware of your state of being. This is a normal reaction to threat, which is what fear is used to save us from. In your case you have very little to be hyperaware of other than yourself and you are using that awareness to generate further anxiety. It is a viscous circle but one that all anxiety sufferers are used to. Relax. It is quite normal. We have all at some point thought that we were probably dying, broken for ever, or obsessed on the minutiae of what we did to bring this on. The reality is that you just have to let go. The mind and body are doing their thing. You canít control it. Youíll be free of it sooner if you just let it be.

You are right that the over examination of these issues from a logical and mental perspective is partly a defence against the more core emotional issues. It is quite likely that the pressure you felt in your head was indeed some kind of reaction to your emotional development in the counselling. You could chose to see it as a good thing. It sounds like some energy that was stuck in your system is being released. Remember, the trick is not minding.